HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

To explain - I was only trying to find a pic for Goldilocks!!!

Really, bobs, I'll believe ya, thousands wouldn't

And you can blame Mr Tolkien, home my love, not old hobbit
I'd never make up a rude comedy name, lies through teeth

Aw Bobs thanks such selfless dedication to finding a pic for me.

You really wouldn't have like the results Home or maybe you would but I couldn't find one with blond hair !!!

Anyway wise is to blame - she started this!

Personally I prefer the other thing we did with our names - the one where i was a MILF

Yeah, bobs you're all heart ain't ya?

Yeah, but you would like that one wouldn't ya?
Mine said I was a junkie!
I wanna be a milf

Any hoo, I'm gonna look for a pic for home now,
I may be some time,

Just make sure you clear your history folder after if you have any DC about!!!

Anyway this MILF is off to t'gym to get some exercise and ogle any fit-looking younger men Actually they're ALL younger

what having such a bad week, he's being an utter cock at the moment, everything I say seems to irritate him, how the fuck did it get to this? My mum says he's just deflecting his guilt, fear and everything back on me, which is probably true, he always looked after me and loved me till recently, he says he's felt like this for a while???? Jesus I feel shit today, got my friends coming later, wankchops couldn't wait to text me to tell me he's going out with friend husband for a drink on Monday! I'm glad he is, I text him earlier to ask if he misses me at all, because I feel like he hates me, he text back " I don't hate you!!!!!" Trying so hard to hate him, my mum says that will come eventually ( she speaks from experience) just want my old life back, worrying about normal shit like everyone else, argggghhhh sorry girls just feeling so lost again today

You will feel better, really, Frizzy. When I was at the beginning of all this, a few months ago, I'd have to flee shops if they were playing any heartbreak songs. Or worse still "our songs". Now they barely register.

I had such a spaghetti head I constantly forgot pins and had to have my cards unlocked more than once.

Everywhere seemed to be impregnated with my sadness and desperation, the forest where I had walked for miles trying to understand wtf was going on. My garden where I'd planted vegetables hoping he'd still be here when I harvested them.

He wasn't but it doesn't matter. More for me.

Now I'm at my happiest hiking through the forest or gardening.

It does get better, the pain lessens, you build a new life for yourself. And it's a better life because it has honesty in it.

You will get there, try to remember when you feel so unhappy, that this pain won't last forever.

Evening all.
frizzy I was about to try to post something to make you feel better but roz has said it so well already. It is true you know - try to hold on to the fact that you won't feel like this for ever. It's so hard but have faith.

Loving the names and laughing out loud. Tried to think of one but literally feel brain dead - can hardly
remember my actual name at the moment. A week off now for me. Hasn't come a moment too soon. Need to regroup and start organising myself.

No need to think of a name just go back a few pages wise put up a link to a Tolkien name generator.

Thanks home straight - will do!

cassawoof your thoughts and feelings very similar to me often.... have had a dip today - shopping in fucking M and S did it for me - all these couples!! Felt good this morning too.....told several lots of distant friends by FB message today about what has happened - all that have replied are shocked. Think it has maybe made it more "real" to me now. Who knows....

Thanks oldwiseone I've been looking at what homes go for around here and realise that I won't be able to buy him out even with a mortgage as I can't get one big enough, so I started to say to my DD that we would have to move and she is distraught. STuff like they have discontinued her wallpaper and so she could never have a bedroom like her bedroom. It is so unfair on everyone they leave behind.

I am telling people as I see them, and they are all shocked. They all had similar lives and pressures and none of them have bailed on their families. And they just can't comprehend it, more than one has said, he might come back, he just needs time etc. but I know he won't.

I forget people's back stories here, but I think there was no OW in your breakup either? (Sorry if I've got that wrong)

wise it must be the circles I mix in whereby nobody seems to be happily married. So when I people watch when I'm out, I think one of them is being trailed around against their will, whilst I am doing exactly as I want. When I go to have a smoke outside at work, I stand outside a particular house. He is Mr Angry, she is Mrs Lovely Downtrodden. They go out holding hands, and he often mutters about people dropping their cigarettes, which we don't! She always looks mortally embarrassed. And my friend and I often comment about how miserable her life must be, being with him 24/7. We speculate how much happier she will be if he dies before her. So many couples are together because they don't want to be alone, rather than because they still want to be with that p reticular person.

The friends I have who are divorced are the happiest. And I know a number of women who say they would never live with a man again. He can stay over, but that's it.

Green I'm fine mainly thanks. See below

I've had a lot of time to think at work recently. Good that I have had a rest and have sorted some plans. Bad when my mind wanders and twunt and the nutter enter my head. I'm currently looking for meh, which seems to have shifted. Meantime, positives are that I have reverted to full make up again. And even better that with deteriorating eyesight, and not wearing glasses full time, I'm generally in soft focus . I've been sorting out various bits in the garage, got a long way to go, but it will all be organised to my liking. I like a bit of sorting out. And yesterday I bought a dress. I hadn't seen what I look like in my underwear, as I dress in the spare room, where I'm sleeping. Anyway, I've decided that the feed me up diet has been successful and must now stop. I'm now a size 10, as opposed to 12 pre split, and that's where I shall stay. So on that basis I got a few other dresses, and will have to buy a few bits for work, now that I'm happy with my size, as most of my stuff I can't wear. So tough tits to the twunt, I shall be buying some clothes. What a shame he likes slim women and he's with a porker. Ah well . I've also been putting on the cream at night. Next step is to take a tonic. So project Izzie, as opposed to project house, is underway. I feel better for it, more confident in myself.

I also notice that I have so much more time to do what I want when I get home from work. No endless ironing of his stuff, no eating at stupid times, I come and go as I please, and I do what I want when I want, in what order I want. And I have to say that the house is more organised, and I'm piling through the decorating stuff. Meantime I leave the twunt to agree all the financial stuff, sad bastard. I will do that when I'm running my own budget. I used to do the finances many years ago anyway, until he decided to "help" me and take it over, since when it's turned into a mountain of bloody spreadsheets. Strangely enough I can achieve the same with pen and paper,in a fraction of the time. I'm a bit behind with my record keeping for future financial settlement re my spending. Mostly the receipts are just piled up in a basket. But the system is in place, and it's just a case of writing them all down. That's a job for a few weeks time. Meantime, I have far more pressing things to occupy myself.

I'm still pondering my options re settlement and what I will do post that. Until I've totally decided, I'm letting things ride. Everything I do on the house covers all scenarios.

Sorry for long post. However, I'm now all talked out and feel more positive than I did before I started. I was a bit urgh.

cassa it's the little things that bother the kids, yes like the discontinued wallpaper. A friend of mine said her sons found the moving the hardest part. They were youngish at the time. She splashed out on one of those huge TVs, which helped. In your DDs case I suppose it's trying to compensate by looking at new ways to decorate her room that would be acceptable to her, whether that be new bedding or whatever. It's all about bribery. Once she can see new possibilities, she will be more amenable to a move.

What I will say it until I'm a blue in the face:

It is perfectly okay to cry, and cry and cry.

You must not beat yourself up for having low motivation - not meeting impossibly high expectations of yourself, parenting, housework, and the rest under the circumstances is okay. It's not forever that you'll have no motivation. The way you feel NOW is not the rest of your life.

You allow yourself to feel as sad and as sorry for yourself as you need to right now.

These are very early days. You are not going to bounce out of this like a jack in a box. This is because your name is not Jack and you don't live in a box.

Cassa it's impossible to even think about healing from the hurt when nothing really has changed from the shock of his leaving, sometimes it does help when the divorce gets underway because it sort of gives you focus (not that it's pleasant) as you just live from solicitor's appointment to appointment (or however it is you will proceed). But once you're on the treadmill, the day of inevitability starts to become real and your mindset does start to switch, which means you can start to believe it will end. For me, it then gave me time to start dealing with my sadder emotions (which I hadn't expected) rather than the 'fight' of it all. I'm now saying to myself 'I'm taking two years' to take the pressure off rather than feeling bad because I'm not over it yet. So if you're still bereft after nine months, I'd argue that's pretty normal.

Home you're welcome to phone over the weekend. Yes, it's the cross-examination part that terrifies us all. Put out of your mind anything you've ever seen on TV about being utterly torn about by some rottweiler of a barrister. Yes, they get provocative (well 'shb' did) and all 'outraged from Tunbridge Wells' at some of your answers, but you have sworn to tell the truth and nothing but, so you tell the truth. For example, my £18 a month expenditure on cat biscuits (don't ask!) was most outrageous...so she suggested I buy cheaper ones!

Frizzy, ask Izzie about going NC. I'm a huge believer in it (as she will testify as I nagged her into it...).

Right back to "wurk".

Yes WWK you are right, as always.

frizzy the less I have to do with him! the more I'm able to focus on me. Contacting him either met with no response or more shit. And knowing me, not contacting him sends out the most powerful me safe of all to him. Because I don't often keep my gob shut.

Izzie project Izzie sounds a great idea, especially the new frocks

wwk is totally right about NC. Hard for me as he lives here but I stopped texting and mostly replying. Made a huge difference to my self esteem and his attitude. He texts, I don't reply. A few hours later he'll try mobile. No response. Landline rings. I ignore. Good for the soul.

izzie you are right about many of the couples out and about and even then some of those men checking me out ! Age doesn't make them immune it seems...I know what you mean about having so much less to do - laundry, cleaning, my bedroom is so tidy! Sometimes I feel I live like a student - eat when I want, sleep when I want . I can get to sleep - I just wake up early and hate that but that is more an age thing I think - that and the BIRDS OMG how much noise do they have to make!
cassa yes there is no OW just a man who is totally self obsessed with his own little self and his own unhappiness and his ill health ....he is actually going to be moving into a place on his own in a couple of weeks ( been living with a relative) . I hope it CRUCIFIES him - he was living alone before in a work capacity and commuting back and forth and he was " so lonely" and needed " extra support" - well, let's see now shall we when there is no one to sit for hours on the end of Skype....

Random Man Alert

News just in that not all men are twunts. Yes , after weeks of uncertainty , who shot Drifted ? Nobody . It was a hoax.

He has resurfaced . Maybe a name change is acoming. Sakura. If you are lurking , don't lose out on a an experience that has helped me in my lowest moments and now still helps me cope when I don't have RL support. The humour is awesome sometimes.

Now - palpitations, anxiety, sweats, anger, sadness, reconciliation, anger, tears , sadness, more tears, less tears , no tears , fuck the tears , yes I have had them all . But now I don't have them all because I am six months down the Divorce Dual Carriageway . So as I look back , six months on , yes I am in a better place , emotionally - stronger , more reflective, more able to detach & see the bigger picture. By no means out of the woods but the trees are not as thick IYSWIM ?

Just sort of checking in . I know I was rumbled on MN & people, meaning well have caused me some big issues . But I have not stated anything but the truth .

I sit pondering what to put . Maybe something inspirational .

But it doesn't matter what any single one of us says, we all know we are in this together and together we will all come out the other side, at different times , but eventually we will .

KOKO. xxx.

Can I just say fuck the lot of them.

The sooner our lives are no longer dominated by these pieces of shite, these emotional fuckwits, the better.

That post of mine wasn't aimed at random men or random man, by the way. It was aimed at the twunts