HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Fanny has obviously found the bottom of the bottle and is now lying comatose next to Jess!!!

Meanwhile Venereal is now watching telly - must be the programme on high class call girls

Hi everyone.

Have been trying to catch up but as you all know this thread moves so quickly!

what I felt I had to comment after reading your last post because I think I must have written an identical post in the early threads. I have been obsessed with thoughts of him 'getting away with it' and people in his new life, including the ow, not knowing the truth. The advice I got was that you have to ask yourself why you are placing more importance on the opinion of strangers than your own friends, who you know love you. Leave them to it - it makes no difference to you what they think and when I realised that I would never be able to control what he or anyone else thinks, I felt a sense of relief. Your holiday sounds fab, try and keep busy and focus on your kids and yourself. try and block thoughts of them as much as you can. Or embrace it for a minute or so, allowing yourself to wallow, but then stop and take control.

Not a great deal to report from my end. Looks like we may settle out of court which is a relief though I won't believe it til I've seen his signature on the consent order. I am hoping to be divorced by the end of the summer. I am planning to go on a girly holiday to celebrate. Never understood people who had divorce parties but I certainly do now. My friends are talking about having a big party at mine - complete with pin the dick on the ex husband!!

I hope everyone is doing as well as possible. Hello from me.

You sound like you're part of the venereal clan too Goldilocks...

I'm still here Bobs...keeping my eye on things!

Whoopsy! (there really is a programme on about high class call girls though - I've recorded it)

No - I'm watching something on t'interweb - that in my married life was not approved of!

Meh.

Yes I sound like a porn star. And I ain't afraid of that big ugly bear.

All kicking off on the divorce front. I won't put details yet but I will update you all when I am safely out the other side. The stress is huge. Sick with nerves, not sleeping much, holding back the tears at work and now palpitations. Its like ive been set back three years but I keep telling myself this is temporary. It won't be for much longer.

Just read 14 pages of the 40 of the first thread.....reassuring to read some of this and see familiar feelings and comments as well as the things that made me laugh ! It's tired me out though - I am a late to bed person but wake on and off from 5, the cat wants up at 6 and then - yes, goes back to sleep!

Sending you love and strength, home my darling, I know how you are feeling, I had to take beta blockers to stop the panic attacks, palpitations etc, you are nearly at the conclusion now, and he will be more nervous than you I'm sure, KOKO.

what my love, please try and stop beating yourself up about not being a good mum to your children, of course you are, you're just dealing with being shat on from a great height, and it's still so recent, you're still reeling from the shock of it all. Needs must at times like these, so what if he watches a DVD, it won't harm him, it's not just temporary, until you are feeling a bit stronger. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck at first, so you are really doing so well, enjoy your holiday, keep posting, x

Home - how many days until it happens? It is terrifying and time slows to a near standstill just before. They start getting really nasty, the brain goes into overdrive and I can only liken it to feeling like you're about to go and plead for your life.

Ring me if you want to talk about being in the witness box. Hopefully your lawyer has talked you through things to say and not say, but I found it really helpful when another MNetter explained how the room operates and the format of a trial etc.

Good luck.

Home sending you my heart is beating faster on your behalf, knowing i might have to go through the same shit! Just think, not long now - and of course it could be over even sooner if he sees "sense"

Will he see 'sense' home and bobs ?
Mine did when it came down to it, having to explain himself in front of an impartial mediator < who was also a man> certainly concentrated his mind.
But then I know you've already gone down that route and it failed to achieve any progress, due to the twattishness of your exes.

Court is a different ballgame though, what's it going to take to make them change their stance? Or is it just a matter of being the 'winner ?
I think that's what it was with the infamous Mr Snowey Whitey, he couldn't bear the fact that WWK had the 'brass neck' to challenge his decrees.

Well, we all know how that turned out for him,
KOKO, all you lovely Hobbiteers, x love Fanny Lumpyfoof.

Ps. Has a certain ring to it doesn't it?
Do ya think I should change my name by deed poll?

nothing much to say today other than for home - think i will be next in line after you.

hobbit you are really making me laugh lately
izzie just a bit concerned about you - you ok?

big hugs to everyone KOKOxx

Hullo what and frizzy although I'm months on from you in time since it happened, I'm not that far ahead of you emotionally, in fact you are both being stronger than I was at your stage. 9 months on and I'm still a mess. Sorry if that's not what people want to hear. I'm just so sad, scared about my future, I have no get up and go, I just want to crawl into bed most of the time and sleep.

People keep saying focus on you now, what do you want, fill your time without the DCs with an evening class, a hobby. I don't know what I want, I was a home loving person who just liked having my family, my life revolved around the home, doing up the house etc. now I don't even know if I'm going to have to sell the house and rent somewhere, and my family has been ripped apart. I love him and I hate him. I hate having to hand my DCs (4 and 8) over on a Friday night and not have them around at the weekend, and I'm dreading the summer holidays! The pain doesn't seem to be getting any better.

and I've got the whole joy of divorce to go through. He's started wanting to formalise things, and it's just going to be horrendous and I'm worried about all that as well. Sorry for this self-indulgent post.

Cassa my love, it's not a competition, so what if you think someone else is doing 'better' than you,

Cassa I've had days when I've refused to talk about it, people want to feel they're being useful and offering advice and support but unless they've been through this its usually not very helpful or its badly timed. Those who have been through something similar are usually the ones who let you talk about it when you want to and otherwise make different conversation, it's just hard for everyone.

Thanks. I agree it's not a competition, I was congratulating others for their strength. That's the lovely thing about this thread, it's not a matter of anyone doing better than anyone else, we all go up and down and others are their to help with the downs.

And it is all coming at once. I've had a disappointment at work, so need to find a new job. My home situation is up in the air and emotionally I'm a wreck. I look around to see if there are any men I even like the look of but there are none (I think be cause I'm looking for H)! I know that my marriage wasn't great but I think I'm one of those women who would never have left however bad it got, I'm just sad that it turns out my H wasn't the same, or didn't at least try to see if it could be made better.

Thank you for your messages of support and flowers. It's the prospect of the long cross examination that's scaring me. WWK I may phone you over the weekend you have been such a support already by calming me down and being the voice of reason. Please dont let my situation scare you all remember everyone that it is very rare for it to go as far as the FH because it takes an ex with a particular type of personality to force it this far, someone who thinks he can beat the system, someone who won't listen to his own legal advice. Most divorces are settled well before this stage.

Dear Fanny Lumpyfoof

I think your name is perfect.

Love
Goldilocks Gamgee
x

Wish my pension info would turn up so I can get things moving, it's going to be hideous so I want it over.

Thank you Goldilocks, I appreciate your good taste,
Is it me, or is there something a bit < ahem> 'oral' about your surname?
gets coat in preparation for outing as dirty caahh

Yes well I did say that I sound like a porn star.

Whereas you Fanny Foofy have a perfectly prim and upstanding name...

Well Primula Bracegirdle sounds like some poncy stout old matron. In fact here's me with Fanny!!! (perhaps Drifting can be the guy )

Oh flipping hell - just googled "porn star big mouth" omg what a mistake!!!!! Never seen willies on my computer wondering if I should go back for another look (they were MASSIVE) but feel like the porn police might break the door down