HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

hobbit boils my piss

Jess says, "I dont fucking believe it, what a shower of shite they all are!"

I think we need our mascot back ladies , for some moral support,
< she's got more morals than the arsewipes we're dealing with anyway>
Waddya think ladies and random man?

Absobloodylutely Hobbit (and I don't normally swear...much...either IRL)

I'm thinking...

Holding 2 digits of a paw up
Sticking bum in air at our Twunts
Enjoying herself with sausage cocktail - oh wait that's already been done
Ripping up some Lycra
If your Twunt turns up, one of her biting him in the arse
One with boiling piss? Or perhaps not!

Actually I'm sure there are a lot nicer things she could be doing!!!

Talking of random man - I hope he doesn't think he isn't welcome on here any more? As the only person who didn't like it isn't on here any more I hope he returns

This one for the gorgeous girl that is green

what it's very, very, very early days...and yes, it does feel like it's killing you because the stress and heartache is certainly not going to make you feel good! I know I couldn't find any 'fun' or 'light relief' in anything - in fact I don't think I watched much telly in the early days because I just couldn't concentrate on it. As hard as you're going to find this, please keep forcing yourself out of the house, and getting through each five minutes, pat on the back, next five minutes, do something/anything to keep busy. Your mind will never switch off but you will meet lots of new people along the way - and some will become friends, and that way you start to develop a new life for yourself with new routines. And slowly things start to become more "normal" and less dreadful. You will start to laugh again, and singalong to music, and find things that aren't so bad all time time.

(And we all got sweary...part of the 'joy' of getting divorced. In fact, it's mandatory. That's why no one minds if you swear away!)

Hobbit I am loving the jessages!

frizzy 4 weeks is very early - I think I was still in my onesie on the sofa watching Netflix for hours on end ! Slight exaggeration - think I stopped that for 24 hours of the day at 3 weeks as managed to get off my arse to go to my brothers. I also had just started back to my exercise classes due to the imminent departure of my teacher who was leaving. I have done my classes since then regularly even if I wasn't feeling it but my feet were moving and new teachers were good as I had to concentrate on the footwork as opposed to my thoughts ( it didn't always happen but did maybe 80% of the time) . As you may know I am "retired " due to circumstances ( moving home /not having worked for years due to husband's job) but try to get something written in that diary for every day or at least 5 days a week. Well I do have to clean and grocery shop at some point.... I have sat in the dark in all kinds of movies at the cinema courtesy of my Unlimited Card , I have gone to Meet Ups ( which were not all "me" ) - pub quiz, comedy night, walking ones ( love them) with follow on drinks or dinners, pub night out, I have done a voluntary morning of a beach clean up,I have walked on my own, I have gone out on my bike alone, I have applied for 2 voluntary roles which I am waiting on taking off, I have a holiday planned in Sept with a friend for a week, I did a free ladies bike maintenance course only last night and I am at a major sporting event at the weekend in a voluntary charity capacity. I have/am still supporting my son through the break up of his relationship. I have been 3 hours there and the same back at a funeral to support a friend. I am also knitting shawls for the Mumsnet knitting appeal for the sick and dying babies of Brompton hospital. I have watched shedloads of TV and Netflix. Why am I writing this? because it is time to write something positive!It is still awful waking up every morning and I am guilty of a mid afternoon nanny nap if I have had a hard class - actually that is the one that is the worst to get up from so I need to work at changing that! It is only my "stuff" that is here now. I had a big clear out of my "stuff" that I had here in the UK and "stuff" that I had in store that was supposed to be being used in a different life and sold masses on e bay. ( Actually still have a load to do with that and household "stuff") I have put off seeing a solicitor ( although had a free session early on but think that was panic mode) but am seeing a female solicitor next week that only does Family Law.I had been putting this off as I think I too thought that he would come back ( no OW involved ) but he seems intent on ploughing a lonely path for himself. He has cast his family off after 30 years and acts as if we do not exist. To be fair so far he has not been shitty about money and I think that is due to his mental state which is living in a bubble and pretending nothing has happened to the rest of the world. Apologies this is long but as I said while one of us is feeling positive I think it is good to say so because that is what I found at this bar in my early days - the support from people who were having a "good" or a "better" day. Maybe there is only a finite amount of positivity in the bar and we all share it around, swapping it sometimes for a "less than positive " frame of mind?? My turn, your turn etc. Here's to the Hobbits Bar!

www.planet-tolkien.com/hobbit-name-generator

PS My name is Rosa Proudfoot!

Go on - you know you want to!

Light bulb moment - He won't take his crap and his post is coming here from his work, doctors, and he hasn't changed it for things he's buying, new policies etc.

That cheap tramp is still claiming benefits as if she's living on her own isn't she.

Luckily I've notified HMRC already that he isn't living here and the local council to get my council tax discount, so there's some evidence if someone reports her.

Loving the squirrel that Jess is sharing her abuse with !!!

I'm Rosamunda Noakes.

I'm Malva Banks.

www.planet-tolkien.com/hobbit-name-generator/

Loving your large and furry feet Wise

That is some list of achievements Wise! I've been on MN for years and there's always been people who pop in and say 'bloody hell it was tough but I survived and more to the point: I'm thriving'. At four weeks, I couldn't spell my own name...

My name is WellWhoKnew.

Can now!

Well that was a fail - couldn't work out how to share the result other tha copy and paste

Hobbit Name Generator

Your Hobbit Name is Primula Bracegirdle. Bracegirdle, a family of hobbits living in Hardbottle and possibly other areas of the Shire.

You share your Christian name "Primula", with a Primula (Brandybuck) Baggins: (2920–2980) was a daughter of Gorbadoc Brandybuck, Master of Buckland, and Mirabella Took, the youngest daughter of the Old Took. She married Drogo Baggins, and had one child, Frodo. In 2980, both she and Drogo drowned in the Baranduin, leaving Frodo orphaned.

wise thank you so much for that post, it's given me a bit of boost tonight

what god I am really feeling for you right now, made me feel sick when I read that, they can live in this pretend world but it WILL all come out eventually, that I can promise you and there rosy little world will be full of thorns, guilt and misery, my dad left my mum when I was 11, I knew about his affair for 9 months before my mum did, something I only told her when I was 19, I caught him on the phone to his OW, saying I love you, I remember it so clearly, I had just won a massive gym comp, which meant I could progress to a fairly high level, my mum had just left to do her night shift, he was truly pathetic, told me it was his friend Gary but I'd been earwigging and heard it all, so he eventually left, and married her, when her dad did his speech he was saying what a wonderful couple they had been got the past 4 years etc etc, he'd only left my mum 3 years before anyway a leopard doesn't change, he had more affairs left her and is now with his next victim, she's nice, only 5 years older than me 2 little girls ( hers) both younger than 10, he's 63, left, me, my sister and my half brother from second marriage all, without Their dad, don't really know what point I'm trying to make really, but be assured although I see him now and then, he's missed out on everything important, it's kind of karma?

My Hobbit name is: Celandine Gammidge.

I sound like a venereal disease .

WWK Actually celandine is also a plant (can be invasive!!!) - pretty yellow flowers x

What Anyone who knows you and cares about you will judge them they'll always be tarnished.

New people they meet might be fooled but who cares about them.

I learned long ago to try to only worry about things I can influence and things that effect me ( and dd of course) directly. It's sometimes easier said than done, but worth trying. You're not there, you don't know the people there, so sod them all, focus on your own evening.

Yeah, I did the name thing, < hey I'm hobbit after all>
I'm Fanny Lumpyfoof ;)
I may have had wine

Oh, come on, that's fucking funny

Evening everyone. I may have wine tonight too :-) Paper work all left at work tonight and 1 more day until a few lie ins. Loving the Jessages

what horrible for you but don't let them into your thoughts. braving is spot on - anyone who you care about, knows what he is, what she is and what they are together - a pair of singing, cheating twunts with a ton of baggage between them. or

HRT has just rung. He's had a terrible day apparently. I ignored the comment and asked him what he wanted - nothing apparently - except to tell me he's had a terrible day. Well frankly I'm glad. I've had my fair share over the last few months. I hope karma is beginning to work. He's away until Saturday and so I can relax a bit.

wise Great post. Lovely to hear you sounding more upbeat

hobbit ha ha ha ha ha
Is that better? Lovely to see you back on form.

(Needy) What do think about my benefit fraud assumption?

Might mention it to his PO brother.