HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

iwas glad you're ok. Me too xx

I'm off to bed now, trying to get some earlier nights generally. Night all xx

That's good Izzie I went to bed at 11 last night, was quite pleased with myself and felt better for it. I did intend to do the same tonight...

Sleep well xx

Goodnight everyone x

Morning all. Thursday. Today and tomorrow and then a week off for me. Phew, but then more time to think so I'm not quite sure what's worse. Hey ho. Solicitor for me next week too. The legalities, they begineth. By the way, they cost a lot don't they! Nearly £200 per hour? Is that normal?? Mine costs £5.00 more than HRT's - let's hope she's worth it. She seems lovely but I'm hoping looks can be deceptive

We got talking about stuff late last night and it's funny how 'things' are being turned around. He's not sure why we really need solicitors as it's me who wants this to be a formal arrangement, apparently he just needs a 'break'. iwas I'm glad you think I talk sense, it's reassuring because HRT sometimes makes me think I'm going round the bend!

When your H tells you that they're no longer in love, don't want to live with you any more, insist that even though they recognise it's a 'grand folly' they are determined the marriage is over and instruct a solicitor themselves, isn't it normal to assume the worst?? Apparently he just wants a 'break' and it's me who's insisting on a formal separation and saying there's no hope?? What??? How did that happen ?? It's now me who wants all this. Me??? I suggested he found medical help for himself. Apparently though it's me who needs it - he thinks I'm depressed - you don't think??? Life in free fall and he's finally recognised I might be depressed about the situation. Anyway no point in wasting energy fathoming the unfathomable. At least he's walking dog this morning.
Sorry - a quick rant

KOKO all. Hope it's a better day out there xx

Ps. iwas ds2 is so funny about exams - he's always endlessly optimistic about the outcomes and surprised when he perhaps hasn't done quite as well as he thought.
DD always fears the worse but is generally pleased with outcomes.
DS1 is pretty accurate in his assessment of how they went. So funny how they're so different.

Some advice please, H told his mother that he's calling around to see her on Saturday and he'll bring dd, so I assume from this he wants to pick up dd on Saturday, but no mention of this to me or dd as yet.

We saw him briefly on Tuesday night and he phoned last night, so he's had opportunity - he was a bit less arsy on both occasions than he has been recently.

So, as it happens dd will be at his mothers on Saturday morning anyway as I'm going out Friday night and we don't have any plans for Saturday, so it's fine in that way, however, he needs to start making proper plans and giving us some notice.

Do I contact him or wait for him to get in touch?

what be interesting to hear what he replies?? HRT just got back from his walk and is upset that after 20 plus years I don't trust him. Funny that....you're right. Speaking to them is pointless.

braving wait if I was you.

1 That's my instinct, the problem is getting across that I don't want to stop him seeing dd, in fact he should see that I've been encouraging and facilitating contact, but that he shouldn't assume we're sitting here waiting to hear from him.

It's a shame we don't have plans for Saturday really.

I have also made an appointment to see a lawyer next week.

Sorry to jump in again.

Am getting seriously stressed already even though I know it's along road ahead. Had him round last night pointing out to me the errors my solicitor had made in the petition (smugly of course). Also how he is not paying my costs because he didn't want to get divorced and it was my choice.

Yes because he made me bloody miserable for years!!!

He said I am being unreasonable over everything already. This is because I said if he is only going to see the DC one evening a week he needs to get here before 7.30. Considering youngest is tired and ready for bed at 7!!!

morning all - have read quickly just wanted to reiterate what my counsellor is telling me - she is working on my boundary setting with me and keeps saying

all this shit is in their head
if he keeps pushing his shit onto me he doesn't have to deal with it - I am the one being "burdened" whilst he carries on "scot free"
I am dealing with an unreasonable person who is always going to be unreasonable.
I am never going to know why he chooses to make things difficult - with kids with finances etc.
he is never going to be in a room with me to discuss anything - whether this is getting DS help or anything else.
he obviously has stuff going on because as much as he tries to let go he doesn't - he keeps reeling me in & this keeps him having some control of me & mucking with my head!
I have to stop expecting him to be reasonable, cooperate etc as it is unlikely to happen.
I have to use my solicitor to reinforce my boundaries that he keeps stepping all over.
My SHL has said his behaviour is suspicious -this is her doing her job!
MY GP is supporting me - this is him doing his job.
I am going through an extremely difficult and nasty process but I am making small steps - this is all that can be expected of me!
I get overwhelmed and frustrated with the whole process as can see another way of dealing with this but this is because I am a reasonable person.

I know a lot of this is what you ladies are saying all the time but I guess its as with most things we can only absorb what our brains are ready to absorb.

I am getting this but still have my bad days - and had a few recently - hoping this may help some of you that are still trying to work your way through the early stages - just to put things in perspective - i had the no longer love you speech before Xmas 2013 - followed by me getting him to leave Jan 2014 then bringing him home 4 weeks later as was depressed and showing suicidal tendencies all the while he was carrying on with OW. I didnt find out til may 2014 - he continued to live in family home - was prepared to give him time - he moved out July 2014 after telling me it was spur of moment decision but since know it was planned 6 weeks previously.

Dont really know what Im saying here - I guess its to all those saying they are having doubts and would still take him back - I did - I would have carried on trying to work things out for the kids and maybe me too - despite his treatment of me since I still dont know how I feel - sometimes I hate him but I am not consumed with hate - if i think about things too hard i feel mostly sad for what we have lost and what my kids have lost - my gut feeling is he bailed out because things were too difficult/not living up to his ideal etc - but I will never know this - I have moved on - not part of my plan yet but it happened - none of us know what is in store for us - all we can do is take small steps and have a bit of hope that eventually it will all come good!

KOKOxx

Really sorry my brain is not up to name checking.

I took him back, in fact I begged him. That made six years of being second best and hugely diminished confidence. It also meant that now, when he has gone, he only has one son that needs support and can ignore the older two.

He was feelin very guilty and therefore generous to start. Now two years down the line he feels justified and has new responsibilities that take priority.

I would absolutely counsel you all to get the finiancials sorted asap. I would also suggest that taking him back is a poor choice, but people said that to me and I did it anyway. But still...get the money sorted. A settlement would not rule out trying again at a later date, indeed his conduct might seal the decision one way or another.

KOKO.

green brilliant words from your counsellor - especially in light of all those who have posted saying their exes are turning it all around to make it not their fault

green your first paragraphs really resonate with me. "All this shit is in his head".
H can't cope with his emotions, he's used to dumping them on me. Now he is severely limited in that, he's falling apart.
He claims to feel empty all the time. I don't doubt it, I'm sure he is disordered. BPD or narc. He was like some kind of vampire, sucking all the vitality out of me, while persuading me I was nothing without him.
Still, it's all his problem now. He walked out, he can deal with it.

Roz "he walked out, he can deal with it" Interestingly, a lot of these men can't deal with it. Much has been made of how they are falling apart etc on here. It's like their prop has gone.

I do wonder sometimes who's brain my stbx is manipulating atm. His gf sounds like a bit of a tough cookie (well you have to be to go into politics) but it won't stop him trying. He has NC with any other member of his family - other DD, grandchildren etc. I think he is falling back on his "failing health" possible early retirement etc

Yep know what you mean what I'm having a terrible week, it's like it's all just hit me again, I know I'm only 4 weeks in but my life is now unrecognisable, got so much pain to face yet I don't know how the hell im going to do it, feel like I'm treading water, just feels so impossible

what I've gone all sweary in a couple of other threads. One in particular "affair with my boss". I was outraged with some of the crap posted on there.
why joined me but moderated her language.

Ha ha, Roz my love, you've got a serious case of 'hobbititis'
You come across as a calm, measured lady, with great dignity, I'm glad to see you've got a sweary side as well, KOKO all you ladies.
< sweary or not>

Yeah, that's go to be so hard, what my love, what a pair of bastards,
I felt the same way when I heard he had gone down south to meet her family, I bet they didn't tell them he'd left his wife of 28'years and family for her, and all the gruesome details inbetween.
Boils my piss to think of the tales they are telling to put themselves in a good light. Thinking of you , sweetheart.