HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

frizzybear thank you for your reply. Although it's sad circumstances atleast we can take comfort in each other and join each other's journeys. This was not supposed to be us - we were doing am everything right. Well weren't we all.

Hello all, I'm still around but just not posting as I'm dealing with real life shite...y'all know how it goes.

However, I'm going to interrupt myself to say to Bambino, as much as anyone else

Firstly, if you compare your situation to others, you give yourself a much harder time than is necessary. Your age, like gender, like your sexual orientation, like the next poster's financial situation compared to the previous poster's, like the ages of the children, like the size of your garden and who tendered it...are just part of the story. The reality of the story is: heartbreak is heartbreak. When you've built a life with someone, and that someone destroys it, or has destroyed you slowly over time, - it means you're left picking up the pieces and just trying to KOKO.

And we've got the left, and the leavers to throw into the mix.

We are all adults here just trying to get through a torrid time. We've got posters here who aren't married...it's still not a reason to say 'you don't belong here'. Those that aren't married envy those of us that are divorcing because we had financial protection...those that are divorcing just hate the fucking legal process...

It's all "just" our individual stories. So we're all 'just' trying to figure out how to cope, and we're all coming here to say 'SHIT THIS IS HARD' no matter what the 'uniqueness' of our individual circumstances are. Some of us will bounce out of it quicker than others, some of us will take our good old time of it. I got heartbroken aged 19. Got over it. Met a fuckwit. Got badly burned. I'm still here having my moments! So goddamn it, if I can feel sorry for myself, knowing that there's others out there different to me, some better off, others not, but suffering in just the same way, albeit at different times, then I'm going to take the opportunity to say:

Er, yeah: THIS SHIT IS HARD!

Secondly, you will be constantly told "oh, you'll meet someone else, you'll get over this, you 'just' need to [move on/get over it/ etc]. None of this is helpful. They may be right in the long term. They are fucking crap in the short-term.

I am possibly in a ranty mood though....although I had a meh day today!

bambino my eldest son is 22.. I can't conceive what it must be like to be only two years older than him and having to deal with all that you have to. I'm so sorry

frizzy thinking of you. And I hope your feeling stronger will give some hope tobambino, as you are both at a very I early stage of the process.

I agree with braving, don't worry about it. You have shown strength before, and it will take a while after all those years of EA to break those habits. As for pride, you have dignity in abundance, he has none whatsoever. There is no dignity or pride in a male who makes women cry.

There has been speculation about whether we would take back the twunts. Both my head and my heart say no. Although I do admit to occasionally wondering if he will "come home". I assume that is because having been with someone for 33 years, and married for 30, it's a habit. I lived with him for longer than I did my parents. Quite frankly, I would be happy if he left the nutty OW and took up with anyone else, so that our lives could be free of her. She will turn her venom onto anyone else he takes up with and he will never be free of her. But at least she will probably leaves us be, vile bitch.

I hate an email exchange about finances, as in general terms. Again, reading between the lines there is no sign of him thinking of moving towards a financial settlement. I can only speculate as to why. Mainly though, I'm speculating on what I will be doing each week, ie he's not at the front of my mind. And that's the way I and my sons like it

Hi to all else

Hi wwk...as always your words are spot on.
We are all heartbroken unique individuals who deserve/d to be treated better.

And if I hear you'll meet someone else, you'll get over this, you 'just' need to [move on/get over it/ etc] I'll wring that persons bloody neck. They obviously do not know just how hard this is.

Well done on your meh day.

I had, not I hate

WWK hits it on the head as normal. Good to hear about your meh. x

Bambino you have nothing to feel guilty for. All the guilt is on him, not you. It must be very hard with young children. I am so sorry you are in so much pain today.

Iget please don't worry about having cried in front of him, I did that plenty of times. I know I would rather care and have feelings and emotions because my marriage meant something to me that to have been able to have talked to him coldly and detached and said I didn't care.

Wise lots of good posts from you today, thank you for the quotes from the book. I couldn't listen to music neither to start with. Thank you for your kind words the other day and to Green too. Everyone on here is amazing. x

Sorry so many of you are having a hard time at the moment.

Izzie There is no dignity or pride in a male who makes women cry Great comment and very true. I can be nice to you sometimes

Oh yes wise thanks for those words. I picked them up at work and have copied them.

iwas hello and hope you're ok

I get the "You'll meet someone else" stuff too. Usually from well-meaning friends. Actually I just want to heal from this devastating situation, not meet someone else.

When he first decided to leave H frequently said the same. It was like he was twisting the knife he'd stuck in my heart.

I feel for those who are feeling such pain today. It is so horrible and hard. But at least you can feel, you're a decent, genuine person who can feel love and pain. Not a user who can shrug off his wife/partner and children in pursuit of his own selfish wants.

I'd rather be me, reeling from the pain, than the narcissistic c*nt who inflicted it.

wwk I totally agree with you. Everyone's situation is so different but yet the feelings are all so similar which is why this thread is such a lifesaver.

bambino I understand your feelings of guilt. A few months ago I too felt overwhelmingly guilty that I wasn't a good enough wife to keep my children's father and therefore our family together. I think the guilt thing is somehow programmed into us mothers. When we go out to work and leave our children we feel guilty. When we don't, we feel we aren't doing our bit to support the family. When we spend quality time with husbands/partners we feel guilty that we are neglecting the kids and vice versa. I feel guilty that my parents are bring dragged through this at a time in their lives that they shouldn't be worrying about anyone but themselves. I feel guilty that I'm distracted at work. At the end of the day though the guilty partners are not us. Are we perfect- no - but it's not us who should be feeling guilty. Little comfort now I know but that awful feeling of guilt does begin to pass. You are not to blame. We are not to blame. In reality, and although they deserve to metaphorically burn in hell, I'm not sure the OW are even to blame. My husband is to blame. He can't help the way he feels now, I understand that but he had a responsibility and a duty to recognise the warning signs and act or at least try to act. I guess it's like driving a car, seeing the warning lights flashing and not slowing down. If you crash, you're to blame.

Anyway, I'm exhausted and probably making no sense. I felt so guilty that I'd not been giving Ds2 any kind of attention that I drove an hour to a cricket match tonight and watched him play rather than catch up with the paperwork that is in my car. Where's HRT? Just rocked up. He's unable to sustain the 'father of the year' act for long. Ds2 had physics gcse today. Not only has he not asked him how he got on, I honestly doubt that he even knows he's taking physics. Tosser.

Night all. KOKO xx
(Ps tomorrow is another day and if today's been crap, chances are tomorrow will be a tiny bit better)

Ps izzie'are you out there? Hope you're ok?x

wise...wise words from a wise lady.

hobbit...you're right...it's their MLC not ours. Do not take ownership of their shit!

Iget...it is tough, wishing to not wake...yep we've all been there. Trying to cope with these dd's is a nightmare. If only these twunts could understand the damage they are doing.

As for crying in front of them...yep ticked that box as well. And it bloody hurts when they show absolutely no emotion regarding your distress. Unfortunately every time I see him I feel like bursting into tears for the family that we have lost and the pain that it is causing my children.

Bambino Frizzy...the grieving for the family unit is so hard. But you shouldn't feel guilty because it was his decision alone that has caused this heartbreak.

izzie just spotted you leaning on the end of the bar x

There is not a chance in hell I would take Sid back. If I wanted to be married to a liar and a cheat I would have married one. Only I did. But I didn't know it. I was oblivious as he'd lied about that as well.

There are no words I can say that can convey how much hurt, anguish and shock he caused me by deceiving me for most if not all of our entire relationship.

He's got lots of good points - kind, supportive, funny, interesting, charming, good dad, works hard and I thought we had a happy marriage. But all of that is far outweighed by the cheating, lying and total lack of respect or compassion he has shown me. He claimed he never meant to hurt me but actions speak louder than words and his actions have caused me more pain than I thought possible.

The man who I would have trusted with my life has been the same man who hurt me far more than anyone else ever has.

So OW is welcome to him. If she wants to spend her life wondering what he is up to every time he's not with her and knowing exactly what he is like then more fool her. DILLYGAF. I do actually but nowhere as much as I did and I'm getting there.

wise, whyme is quite right when she says wise words from a wise lady.

Roz I'd rather be me, reeling from the pain, than the narcissistic c*nt who inflicted it

Absolutely...I agree.

1... I guess it's like driving a car, seeing the warning lights flashing and not slowing down. If you crash, you're to blame.
The OW is actually a driving instructor so they should have bloody seen it coming! Hope they both end up like road kill. (apologies little rant there)

whyme ranting is good for the soul I find.

iwas The man who I would have trusted with my life has been the same man who hurt me far more than anyone else ever has.
This is so true.

1 my soul is well looked after then

whyme mine too.
Has anyone else noticed there's not been much music lately??

Apart from the ringing in my ears that is.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Faf1ch7Q9XE

Sorry, had to be done - Gaynor.
Now I really am going to bed x

Go Gaynor...

Night night xx

original version

Yes us "oldies" can relate to those sentiments. Newbies, have faith. I've put up the original, as it sounds better

Izzie hello to you too. Yes I am okay thank you, hope you are too x

Rozalia very insightful words from you as normal.

1 you always talk a lot of sense. It is our husband's to blame but we do feel guilty even though we shouldn't. All the shit that has happened has stemmed from what they have done. Hope your DS's exam went well. Have a good sleep. x

Why pleased your ranting soul is well looked after Thank you. x