HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

I don't think he can do anything as such, I just do feel sorry for him as he will see it as a massive slur on his character. Which it is.

He told me the reasons he wanted me to use to divorce him. I provided my solicitor with those and she also wanted some back up ones in case his solicitor upped the ante. She has used the ones he chose plus two of mine. They were two of the pretty tame ones but she has gone down the financially controlling line. She's also said he is to pay my costs.

wise yeah don't worry about wishing bad things to happen, I've wished seven shades of shite down on their heads as well , only natural in our situations my pet.

I do worry sometimes how long I'm going to be full of hatred for them. How long it's going to take before it doesn't fill my head every waking moment.
I don't want to be full of bitterness and resentment , I want the Mecca of 'meh' to rise to the nirvana of 'don't give A flying fuck'
How longs it gonna take?

My H seems to be on the edge of a breakdown. I think if he got papers now he'd fall apart. I know lots of these men have" breakdowns" but H is in a bad way.

Not going to have him back, not that he's asking, he did this to himself, wouldn't listen to me. Not enjoying seeing him suffer like this, but if positions were reversed it would be my hard luck.

Sounds like your nearly ex has some control issues, like mine.

Frizzy ...I should know by now that after a struggling day (or two, three etc) there is normally a numb day so I'm looking forward to that. The 'waiting room' analogy is so cruel - these mean are just weak, spineless cowards who cannot face the repercussions of their actions.

bobs I actually asked her yesterday whether she's prefer living with her dad (might be a bit difficult as we have no address for him at the moment)..and she said she wanted to stay here because of her school. I think her dad is manipulating her and wants to control her just like he did to me. She blindly believes everything he tells her. After all his bizarre behaviour I'm not sure what he would say if I asked him to take her. I 'm not sure if I could risk asking him because he would tell her that mummy doesn't want her - I would never want her to think that.

And I didn't tell her off about the i-tunes thing...he can do his own dirty work.

Hope your DD is ok. I've had side affects with that AD too so I was taken off it last year.

It doesn't matter if it's 3 days or 3 weeks...it's them in control again.

green ..I agree it would be easier if they would just disappear. I can only hope.

what frizzy ...taking them back...yep me too. Despite everything he's done to me. And I feel like a failure admitting that.
I would probably not have a moment of real happiness as I would always be waiting (again) for it to happen again...The weasel left me in 1998 and came back after a few months... I was unaware of the OW until she turned up on my doorstep and I chased her away...but by then it was too late his feet were under my table again.

Dog pissing over clothes....excellent idea.

bambino .. one day he will be struck by a pain and reminded of what he has lost and by then it will be too late. I think we all agree with that.

wise there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. After what he's done there is no surprise that you would like to see karma bite the bugger.

toast chin up...if you get any fall out from this come back here and we'll support you.

Hobbit ... ^How long it's going to take before it doesn't fill my head every waking moment.
I don't want to be full of bitterness and resentment , I want the Mecca of 'meh' to rise to the nirvana of 'don't give A flying fuck'
How longs it gonna take?^ I think that is a question we've all asked. I pray for the emotional release from the divorce but I'm always going to be scarred by this man.

Night night everyone. KOKO xxxx

frizzy what bambino wise one I know what you are saying. I feel the same. It's been 9 months for me but I still miss him, and can't get my head round what a waste this all is. I have a 4 yr old and an 8 yr old. How can they just walk away and not want to wake up with their children every morning. We are now discussing money and it is coming out what he thinks I wanted, how I just wanted him to work and provide for me etc. it's all rubbish and unfair, but did he ever actually ask if that was how I saw it (and let's forget the fact that I worked 4 days a week and ran the house). What is so sad is how they paint you in the worst possible light to justify their entitlement and feelings of neglect and not being respected etc. but did they ever raise these issues and ask what you actually thought.

My H seems genuinely surprised I am so devastated by this, I think he had persuaded himself that i didn't really care, and was a horrible person.

Morning all, had a quick catch up. Tough times approaching for many me thinks but I've started looking at the days when I don't cope particularly well as essential days that have to be gone through to reach then ultimate goal of being happy again. I know this is an odd analogy, but a bit like labour I guess. You have to go through the discomfort and pain to have a baby; we have to go through this to find happiness again. The more tricky and frankly strange and cruel that HRT is being, the more sure I am that it's over and therefore the more happiness hopefully when we are finally divorced and independent of each other. Not sure that I explained this very well - too early!

Have them back? - in my darkest moments, honestly - probably yes. In the cool light of day, when thinking rationally - not on your nelly!

cassa you 're right. I honestly think that the rewriting of history is one of the most hurtful things in the long list. Mine goes on about 15 years of unhappiness (we've been married for 22 - so I guess I should be grateful that 7 years were obviously tolerable!) I remind him that he sent a text, about 2/3 years ago when I was on my way to work one morning, I kept it for ages because it touched me and it was unusual for him to be so emotional. It was about how he was truly happy and how lucky he was and felt when he looked at his family, our home, me etc etc. I arrived at work all emotional and had to make up that I'd heard a sad story on the radio as it seemed so soppy to be crying because I was touched and happy and dare I say it - in love with my husband still. When I reminded him about it recently, he said he couldn't remember sending it and we'd probably had sex the night before which had cheered him up!!! So hurtful.

Anyway KOKO all. Sun shining here today and so I am off out with dog and to work. Catch up later xx

I feel sad to read that some of you think you would take your husbands back and the sad mistrustful lives you would lead compared to the happy peaceful lives you will have after the initial devastation and all the legal crap has passed. I suspect you may all feel differently after a year or so.

You all deserve better than these selfish specimens.

My ex asked me to get back together several times and gave realistic sounding apologies. But it doesnt take long for his abusive side to re emerge. There is no way on this earth I would go back to an abusive cheat. I am happy to be free.

green my DS never wants to do anything either but occasionally I drag him out of the house ignoring his protests. I think it's a teenage boy thing. Seems like the girls are often the sociable ones and the boys just want to stay in bed.

whyme I would not suggest to your ex that he has your DD live with him. Like you I made the suggestion to my DS not to my ex that since he was so critical of me as a mother he might like to spend a few months living with his dad. My DS was alarmed as the suggestion and said definitely no. They are old enough to decide themselves so its nice to hear that despite all the talk they would actually rather stay with their mum. Judge by their actions not their words. Of course being a teenager she won't want to admit that she wants to stay because of you so the school is a useful excuse.

I am expecting some contact soon between my ex and DS and dreading all the lies he tells him and the way he tries to train him to be a misogynist sometimes it takes months for DS to discuss it with me and all that time it must be playing on his mind.

1 mine also spoke of 15 years of unhappiness which gave him a grand total of 2 years of happiness. Go me. Must be part of the script he was bleating the same thing to OW.

I do think the rewriting of history is one of the cruelest things they do. They do it to reduce the guilt they feel, it is the old 'it was so bad I could not stay' line, closely related to 'we are so in love we could not help it'. Shortly followed by the, 'I am such a good man I put up with you for years' and all the barbs that come with that.

In a funny way it helped that a friend the other week told me she could see how much he loved me, reviewing little incidents over the past thirty years.

Don't fall for it everyone, they are simply trying to avoid reponsibilty and guilt. They are a bunch of idiots.

I had a decorator round last night. A chap I had met once before. Absolutely lovely man but very nosy. He asked more personal questions than my psychologist. He also gave me more good advice than my psychologist and a hug! He kept snapping closed his notebook and say right that is over, you are starting a new page right now. You can't start again, money does not matter. He is a prick and you are lovely. Etc etc. A small encounter but feels powerful.

I totally get the despair. Today is a new day however.

Your decorator sounds great Fuckit painting your house and giving therapy at the same time

I remember something similar when I first discovered his affair and I was crying round at a neighbours saying he hasn't been happy for 15 years. She told me that just two weeks previous he had been round there telling her how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. You're right it's a way to cover up their guilt and justify the unjustifiable.

I had my twunt back after a month of him leaving, then begging me to gave him back. It took him 2 days of being alone to want to come back.

So he moved back in and it was horrible. I had no trust or respect left for him and he didn't really seem to want to be back. So he left again after 6 weeks of keeping me in suspense over his intentions.

It was an armed truce really, things had gone too far, he'd said too much and done too much.

Now he's miserable as hell and deeply regretting leaving and his previous actions. Well too bad mate, actions have consequences, it's over. I was too patient and understanding for too long.

Would I have him back? Absofuckingbloodylutely NOT, NO WAY, NEVER!!!

I have been told he said he would have me back. Not true - just words

I have been told by a mutual friend how much in love we looked in a photo. This is the mutual friend he was shagging at the time!

I could dig out the poems he wrote me over the years apologising for the way he treated me. Cute poems, only written on the back of his modus operandi, which was to put me down till I felt that small so he could build me up again.

What comes out of their mouths and what they actually feel - couldn't be further from the truth. Unfortunately they believe it!

TWAT!

I have been rereading one of my books that I got early on : some of the bits I have highlighted today and passing on ( some easier than others!!!!) - it just always helps to hear someone echo your own thoughts, doesn't it?

If he was unhappy he OWED it to you to include YOU in a discussion of his feelings.

You need to learn that just because someone else believes something about you it doesn't necessarily make it true.

The Seven Steps for Moving Forward:

1. Recognise that the chaos won't last forever
2. Accept that the marriage really is over

3.Integrate the fact that your husband has changed irrevocably and is beyond caring for your welfare 4.Understand why he needs to JUSTIFY his actions anyway possible - including rewriting history, lying or attacking you 5.Give up trying to get the acknowledgement and apology that you deserve 6.Turn your focus from the past to the future 7.Celebrate your new life as a single person

Husbands who abandon families are filled with self loathing and in order to tolerate those feelings they project them onto their wives - the men delude themselves into believing that it is the wife who hates THEM and she is trying to bring them down.

Regarding obsessive thoughts: your loyal brain thinks that if it re-examines the data about what happened hundreds of times maybe it can accomplish its job of making meaning of all these recent events and give you some protection.So it keeps scanning the files over and over , day and night until you are begging for it to stop.

Don't try to make sense of it.

Although it may be normal for a man to want to leave what he perceives to be an unhappy marriage, it's the lack of remorse , indifference to the ex wife's suffering and all the lying that shows his character in a new light. And that new light does not have a rosy hue.

No one is perfect but I think in the aftermath of these situations and even during them WE can end up thinking at times that WE are the bad ones, that WE were a bitch, that WE were not praising them enough etc etc - the reality is that WE were just leading a normal day to day life occupied by juggling all the roles that a wife and mother does - and that is the life that we continue to do as a mother. WE were not better or any worse than any other woman on this planet. I know that I am a good person and that I don't deserve this but there is nothing I can do to alter this. It is hard and some days are better than others. For such a long time I was unable to even to listen to music ( so all those music video links were never used by me!) but now I find myself occasionally singing a few words..there must be some progress in there!

Thanks for posting those passages from your book wise , they are all very pertinent to my situation. I'm going to read those over and over, to reinforce that it wasn't my actions that caused his MLC , his failings are not mine, I did what I could to help, but ultimately he didn't want to save our marriage, and he had no intention of trying to repair the damage done.

And, no, I wouldn't have him back on any account, he's caused me and my sons too much pain and anguish , so that would never work, I could never forgive him for what he's put me through. I wish he hadn't done it in the first place, and if he had acted in a decent manner, and ended it with me before pursuing and having an affair with her, it would have been better for my emotional wellbeing, and I wouldn't be struggling so much now, trying to come to terms with his lies and deceit.

Going to read everything I missed later. Day 1 of h away. Dd giving me grief already ... Had the second breakdown that usually comes a bit later ... Almost 3 months in and I feel worse today than the day he left ... How can that be ? Cannot continue to function with dd hating me. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

Igetknockeddown hey we have all been there - those feelings ...it IS crap - it's just that you don't want the life that you CURRENTLY have .

When you have a really bad day - if you can be at home - then DO NOTHING - stick any crap on the TV, have a sleep if you can, DIVERT and try not to think ! Have a swallow of some but not too much and this from someone who rarely used to drink!

Hope you feel better soon ]]]]

I hang on in there mate, we are here if you need to vent, she will calm down soon enough, and I'm sure one day she will see him for what he really is, I think we are all having a really crap time at the moment, I certainly feel dreadful this week, and I totally get the not wanting to wake up feeling, miss him more this week than any other, he just won't talk to me about anything, please try and stay strong mate, we will all get there eventually

Had an hours sleep there, thanks wise and Frizzy ...I just felt unable to take any more bullshit. Apparently even the way I drive to school is not as good as h. He has left me with a pile of shit to do for dd and it was like I'm only up and it had started already. I made a huge arse of myself yesterday by going to visit him and knew it would get me nowhere but that little voice in my head that was saying 'don't do this to yourself !' was drowned out by the voice of stupidity. He sat stony faced and said that he didn't actually care what I said or did anymore and apparently should have been able to see the separation coming unless I was stupid. Of course I cried like a total twat in front of him and as was always typical in our marriage ( circle of ea ) I apologised !!!!! So basically I have no pride and made a complete fool of myself. He has gone off on his merry way to 10 days jollying on the other side of Atlantic, while I pick up the pieces again and try and contend with a dd who appears to hate my very being.

I I'm sure we've all cried in front of them and regretted it, remember there's lots of bravado and saving face going on, it's not necessarily reflective of what they're really thinking and feeling.

Him being away for 10 days is a really good length of time, you won't see him (always makes me feel worse), I'd write a list if things to achieve in those 10 days, make it positive and involve dd.

Remember to be kind to yourself x

I am sorry for this selfish post.

Today for the first time in weeks I feel so consumed by the pain of being left.
I am only 24 and this isn't how it was supposed to be.
We were together all my adult life and whilst that isn't as long as most of you ladies , it is all I know. My whole world has changed and my heart aches for my children and the fact they miss their father so.
I'm trying hard to be strong but tonight I cried, it eats away at me everyday.

I'm not angry. I'm just numb. Oh I wish I was angry I wish I could grab life and shout fuck you at him and OW - I'm broken and I'm wondering how broken a person becomes before they can take no more.

Two small children who'll never know what it is to feel the love of their family - the happy times together. It's broken chaos at the moment.

My ex is hurtling along through life. New business. Our home and car. I had to start again, the one person who I lean on and vent to has gone and he has the OW to prop him up and distract him.
He's never looked back only blamed me for the fact i wouldn't forgive him.

Life has a funny way sometimes.

Bambino It's horrific no matter how long you've been together, especially when your have children and you can see the impact on them. Vent all you like xx

bambino you are not selfish at all Hun, it must be the day for it today, I've had a bad one too, feel like he really couldn't give a shit about how I'm feeling, have a good cry Matie, get in bed, or put a film on, got my daughter in with me, watching animal programmes, doesn't take any brain power thank fuck I keep thinking tomorrow is another day and tomorrow I'll feel stronger, it's so up and down, I literally know now how my day will be as soon as I get up, like you I miss him, being a couple and a whole family unit, never thought I'd be here, not ever

I just feel like i climb part of this mountain then I run out of steam so I am overcome by the grief, it's like losing someone to death except when someone dies they aren't choosing a life without you.

I wish there was a timescale for this, to know when I'll wake up and not feel the all consuming pain that I do.

The ow doesn't bother me.
He doesn't bother me.
It's the pain I am in and I didn't do anything other than live with a man that was so miserable and unhappy he couldn't tell me and instead chose a coworker to leave his family behind for.
I miss my family. I miss the pieces that are missing from my children. The innocence that's been taken from them. I'm guilty for the worry they feel. I feel guilty when he leaves and is crying for the children. I feel guilty for the pain he feels being away from the children.