HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

i am sitting here blubbing - i have had enough - X has sent me an email asking me if I am going to kids sports day - why does he need to know - so we are not there together or if i am bringing kids home to save him the trip? -why cant he send this through his sol like everything else I ask him for. I am so fed up of still having to carry all the pieces and deal with the inconsistency in his behaviour - no wonder I have been on ADs for so long..

bobs I know you are right - i think actually they would rather it wasnt their birthday - it is hassle - everything to do with the X is hassle because he cant communicate with me and has to consistently be getting one over on me. I have told my sol I no longer care what happens on their birthday re contact because I cant be bothered to keep fighting but she is sticking with my original boundary.

i think it was you izzie that said this will never end because of the kids - all those future events - looks like i will be on Ads for a while yet then! the thing with all this is that noone else has questioned his behaviour - it is only me that is disputing it and because I am the little woman at home my opinion is worthless!

just having a rant ladies - seeing SB later so he will sort me out!!

fuckit frizzy I wish I had the answers for you but all I can say is somedays are good - somedays are shit as you can see from my posts

KOKOXX

Sorry been AWOL again ...had full on meltdowns with eldest daughter. Had to get my dad round last night to help. At my wits end to know what to do. She just won't talk to me, I'm completely cut out. There are lots of serious indications that she's not coping and I went into her school again yesterday. I feel like I'm screaming for someone to help her. She's refused counselling from the school and outside organisation but I just know she needs help and she's not letting me in. She told my dad that she hates coming home. She's just so rude and dismissive of me.

When the weasel phones her she sits with her hand over the receiver so she thinks I can't hear what they're saying but unfortunately I can. And it's still little 'in' jokes. Subtle digs at me and promises of wonderful things when he is eventually allowed to see her (god...it's a fucking court order...I did not jail this bastard...he took me to court). He was asking her questions about the house and I said to her that I would speak to him at the end of their conversation but he laughed and told her that he 'wasn't going to speak to mummy as he had nothing to say to me and that he was at work'.

She then laughed, switched the phone off and walked away. I'd had a shit day and what with that as well and then I went into the kitchen and my dog is playing up and keeps messing in there (she's got issues because of the weasel beating her) - it was all over the floor. I just lost it - I told my little one to go and tidy her room and I just broke down. How can these bastards just destroy lives and then think everything is an f ing joke. I'm dealing with a f ing clown.

He's happy because he has no worries...I don't even know if I can keep a bloody roof over my childrens heads. If I have to sell the house I can't even afford a one bedroom flat around here.

I've got one to one counselling today thank god.

green don't know what I can say to help, except that I found every time i have found things get too much and I end up a gibbering wreck, I tend to feel stronger after. Last time this happened to me I saw the sol to find what I could offer him that he might be happy with that would leave me with the minimum. After that and armed with the info, I just thought "sod him, he's not getting his way" and got stronger again

Finding a coping mechanism and rising above his shit helps. So he wants to know if you're going to Sports Day? Either ignore if not relevant and file under folder marked Twat or one word answer will do. Don't think too hard behind his motive, just ignore or answer and move on

Will your next court hearing sort out when he gets to see them? If so, aim for that and then things might be easier.

Unfortunately no-one does question their behaviour in this twatty process. They are free to be as unreasonable, inconsistent and procrastinating as they like. We just have to learn to deal with it, somehow

I accept the fact that my stbx is going to be as difficult as possible. I have the benefit that there is NC with the DDs, and that DD1 changed her name as a result. DD2 doesn't say much about it.
I accept the fact I will have down days and up days and that every illness I have had is stress related.
I accept the fact I had an anxiety attack in the middle of my gym class last night - but it was only a small one because I recognised it for what it was and dealt with it (small victory).
I accept the fact I have to live where I do until the finances are sorted - it's cheap to run at least.
I accept the fact I can't look for a job till it's all sorted (that was a huge relief when I decided that)

I don't like it, but I accept it (and it's quite therapeutic to write it down)

green...just reading your posts...omg they are so similar.
The weasel asked what parents evening I was going to and I thought I must have missed the school letter so I rang the school and they said there wasn't one for months. I haven't a clue what these a holes are playing at.
I tried to get him to send everything through the solicitors but he can't comply.

The weasel even sent me a text yesterday and put his name on the bottom...like I don't know who he f ing is. He had given my eldest his i tunes password and she had bought stuff - yep he is an f ing idiot. So he wanted me to tell her off - so I'd be the bad guy yet again.

Because of my lung condition I've had to come off of AD's and struggling is not a stronger enough word. THIS SHIT IS HARD.

why really feel for you, will never understand how you can give your love and lives to these men and see them through there careers etc to the detriment of your own life, to then be tossed aside like all those years and struggles and children meant nothing, I'm also struggling to cope today so don't feel alone, found out yesterday one of my friends has been put in "the waiting room" he doesn't love her, he doesn't even like her, he doesn't want to grow old with her, there is no hope, but yet he hasn't got the guts to fuck off, she's lived like this for 2 years and kept it all to herself, her fuckwit has said practically the same things as mine did in the lead up to him leaving, there married 20 years 2 kids, what the fuck happens to these men, just utter self loathing, sly, selfish bastards, they don't deserve to be happy ever

Iget..good to see that you're back.

I'll pop back later as I've now got a pocket full and tissues and a head full of fuckwittery for the counsellor.

why sorry you're having a bad day. Dare I ask - what would your DD say if you were to sit her down and ask if she would like to live with her Dad? I guess she's of an age where her views would be taken into account. and would Slag and Weasel be happy to have her? Is he just manipulating her (as a lot of Dads seem to be doing on here) to get to you, but actually wouldn't want full time care? Sometimes you have to play them at their own game and make out it's for the best for the sake of the DC - somebody did up thread and their stbx said no. No doubt he would say he would have her just to wind you up - but would he really? and what would Slag say about that?

Hope the counselling helps

why I hope you didn't tell DD off!!! I would just ignore anything like that. It's up to him re the iTunes acc - you know - during one of their cosy little conversations!

Just a warning to all those on ADs...

DD1 is on Citalopram. Over the weekend she had rather a lot of alcohol, and this has caused a bit of a melt-down - feeling weird and woozy, tearful and very sleepy.

Apparently when on ADs alcohol has twice the effect ie if you have 2 glasses of wine it's like having 4. It can make depression and anxiety worse. So the fact she had a bucket-load of alcohol has caused some pretty nasty effects. Luckily she has finished her dissertation, but still has a final piece of work to do (which is due in now!)

why seems like we are both going through it - hope your counselling helps you today - in some ways it would be easier if they just disappeared altogether

bobs i have sent him an email asking why he expects me to be reasonable & just reply yet he never does - its all because he wants to know if Im going so will be available to bring them home - if not he will - ive told him to ask via his solicitor - i cant be bothered & why would i not be available to bring them home when it is on my normal contact day- I dont desert my kids -course Ill bloody be available to bring them home - when have I never not put my kids first!

frizzy he doesn't love her, he doesn't even like her, he doesn't want to grow old with her, there is no hope, but yet he hasn't got the guts to fuck off, i think this was my x - id started to have this feeling and was questioning things but he was ahead of me - he was waiting til he'd found someone to fuckoff with - wasnt bad enough for him to leave if he was going to be on his own though!!

bobs ive never had this effect on Ads - maybe i need to drink a bit more!

seriously though I know some do affect you hope your dd is ok - such a lot of stress for them all to cope with.

I think i may have stumbled across my DS problems - read an article on social anxiety linked in with performance fear which is being in spotlight or trying new things maybe this explains why he doesnt want to go anywhere or do anything - will be exploring some more

need to get a few jobs done

big hugsxx

what would you have him back if he wanted to come home? I miss my DH so much but I don't know what I would do if he wanted to come back? I've been looking at the months of desperation and misery he put me through in the months leading up to this, constantly trying to make him see what he had here and not get anything in return, he doesn't want to come back, and I have to stop hoping he'll want too, as I know I'm only hurting myself, have to keep reminding myself how much pain he's put us all through and start carving a life out for myself and the kids

Me too Matie, I would probably not have a moment of real happiness as I would always be waiting (again) for it to happen again, just miss being a couple and a family, still cannot believe this is happening

what
I can so relate to you and how you feel. I'm still trying to follow everyone's stories so I'm not sure how long you've been on this journey but I am constantly teetering on the fact that although when people ask me would I have him back if he came back making all the right noises, I say no to them. In my heart I know if he were to pull up at my house tomorrow and say he was sorry I'm not sure I could turn him away.
It's funny but I am not angry, perhaps naive- I'm sad that he has done this I am just hoping one day he will be struck by a pain and reminded of what he has lost and by then it will be too late.

green "I have sent him an email asking why he expects me to be reasonable & just reply yet he never does" Sorry but this is how he is winding you up. Presumably he already knows you will be going so why ask otherwise? No point asking him questions like this as it will just annoy you more when he either doesn't reply, or replies saying he isn't being unreasonable

You have 2 choices

1. Reply and say "please send any queries via solicitors as agreed"
2. Reply with a plain statement "Sports Day is x date. This is my contact day"

This gives you back control. What he does is up to him. xx

So we gave him a 2 week deadline to agree to my proposal or agree to arbitration or we go to court. Last week his sol obviously couldn't get him to discuss it, and has admitted he doesn't know whether twat's got his advice from the IFA yet. This week his sol is now on leave till the day after the deadline so has requested an extension. I know it's only 3 days but it pisses me off. DD2 is saying don't do it, but the alternative is go straight to court. and as WWK would say - you don't want to go to court if you can possiblly help it. So another £100 or so spent on needles sol letters

yes alcohol is included in this post and i know it's only 5.20pm

5:20pm pfffffff I started at 4:10 by 6 I thought to myself fuck it lets take the dog over the Heath, rain, hail, thunder, lightning! Best dog walk we've ever had, me and the kids and the dog totally soaked, knackered but most of all laughing, tomorrow my mum is coming over to help me clear out the huge cupboard under the stairs, lots of wankchops stuff there, might put it in the garden for the dog to piss over before I ask him to sort it out, yes I think I will

FRIZZY I need to borrow your dog so that he can piss all over stuff - excellent idea!

Only one problem - there is no more personal stuff here. As planned he came and collected while I was away all day at a funeral.I don't know what to think about it all..its been an emotional day with grieving people so some things or cuntsPEOPLE don't deserve any thoughts wasted on them..at least for today..

My feelings have changed in the past few days - I now feel very angry about everything and I sent an abusive stating a fact text last night - he sent me a message wishing me a safe journey today...WTF REALLY? He doesn't care one iota about me or my life and told him so- so don't say pathetic things like that. Runs away without saying after 30 years ? "have a safe journey"? Fuck off! I hope that he suffers even 1% of the pain that I have suffered in the past few months. Actually I wish even worse things than that about him - was wondering today if there is something wrong with me to wish things like that.

I am freaking out. Big time.

He got his petition today. And there has been silence from him. Not a good sign. I had warned him it would be with him soon. And warned him it wouldn't say what he wanted. He is going to be furious with me.

wise no there is nothing wrong with you to wish such things. It's an expression of anger.

Nothing wrong with you Wise, perfectly normal and understandable.

Toast, deep breathes. I hear you, I'm dreading my Twunt receiving the divorce proceedings. He's unstable and not in a good way in his "new life". Seeing it in black and white will not go down too well.

What do you think he'll do? Just be angry - though that can be bad enough? I'm fumbling around here, trying to offer solidarity, so I'll just cut to the chase. We're here for you