HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

bambino looking again at your back story.....if he felt things weren't right. in the marriage, he could have worked at it. But he didn't. Therefore there is nothing you could have done. He was aware that a marriage split would have meant living away from his DC, so you'd think that would be reason enough to try. When the twunt gone from here sodded off, it was the same. When you are pretty much presented with a fait accompli, well you're buggered. And quite rightly you went to where your support network is, as is sensible and totally understandable. You've done everything right and nothing wrong.

green happy birthday!

1 you sound like a dream wife. HRT is going to regret this bigtime. His "grand folly" indeed. God only knows what's in his mind with talk about the separation maybe not being permanent. If you've made up your own mind though, well it doesn't really matter I suppose, unless you want some answers. It certainly messes with ones head if you're in two minds, which it sounds like you're not though.

Roz he just reinforces all the time how right you are to stay away from him. I hope once finances are settled, you are able to cut the ties a lot more. You are a very different poster when you have had contact with him.

home yes possibly losing your home for nothing really. That's what's so hard for us to get our heads around. It's like throwing money down the drain, it serves absolutely no purpose, but once it's gone it's all too late. In my case I sometimes feel almost sick at what he's thrown away, including his kids really, for all he sees of them. And they wonder why we can't bear to have anything to do with them.

Hobbit thank you for your support. And yes, the trouble is that because if our sons, we will never really be quite rid of them. And that's a hard pill to swallow in my book. I would just like him to disappear from my life, and not be hanging around like a bad smell to be wheeled out on major family occasions....although minus the nut job, as she will never be included., the kids have made that clear to him and me. Actions have consequences, and he actions were vile.

what thank you so much for your comments about me. It's really nice to be appreciated, all of us, when the twunts can make us feel otherwise. But actually, they are out of step with the rational world we inhavpbit, so their views are worthless. And we must all remember that. And my sons, yes, they are a real credit to me and themselves.

also home & according if the twunts are using manipulative/ emotional tactics that they will not admit to or even worse do not beleive their behaviour is at all questionable they will be like this with the kids too - using the same methods with the kids but being oblivious to the damage they are doing - this is what I am trying to compensate for - they will already be used to his ways and too will think this is "normal"- I am trying to reeducate as well as deal with the mess he has caused.

WWK looking at old photos. A while back, the twunt looked at some if the kids stuff on the camcorder. In the days when we were a happy family and the kids were innocent. When he looked at them things were a bit dodgy with us. We both agreed we felt sad looking back at them. I don't think I will ever be able to watch any if those things without crying buckets for what was lost. Or thrown away. Or whatever. And that bloody well hurts. Somehow, even the happy, innocent memories can't be relived without sadness now.

Agree green I went through this this with my youngest daughters sperm donor. He thought it was absolutely ok to spew bile about me while she was with him for contact. She used to get home and took about three days to settle because she hated my guts by the time she got home after being with him for a weekend. I really do know how this feels.

bobs 2004! Where does that time go? I can't believe my situation went on for so long.

She was 9 the last time she saw him. She was the one who said she didn't want to see him any more.

We were dragged through a horrible contact case initiated by him. Cafcass agreed with my daughter, the court plan was for him to have indirect contact (letters and phone calls) he didn't stick to any of it and is now on radio silence.

If she ever gets in touch with him in the future, as I am sure she will. It will all be MY fault. All of it.

DS2 and I have been bonding again. We seem to be in the habit of dropping grub screws and tiny washers when putting fixings back up. Today it was my turn to drop a tiny washer. Couldn't find it, so spent god knows how long trying to find a replacement tiny one. Gave up, decided to just put up one thing back up and order some washers, when lo and behold, there it was! Who would have thought I would be the one to introduce him to diy? I wouldn't mind except my dad taught twunt absolutely loads. Well, my dad would be bloody proud of what I've taken on since twunt left. I'm my father's daughter alright

I had to email twunt tonight. Got a letter re mortgage. I just took a picture of the letter and wrote "twunts name......letter re mortgage.....Izzie". Fuck it, it says all it needs. I wonder if he will be all indignant at my "rudeness", that was always a favourite accusation over the last months before he left. In his book, rudeness by me generally means speaking the truth, eg "you will have sporadic contact with your sons". That's not a rude comment, that's a bleedin prophecy. Which came true a damn sight quicker than I predicted!

Drifted you random bloke! I think I will have to test your DIY knowledge and post some pictures of some DIY tools, plus various other stuff, and you can educate us about what they are used for. I'm sorting out all his bits still, now have loads of screws and funny things piled up in the kitchen. I have no idea what I would use them for. And yes, I do know what a screw is used for!!

Some of the stuff being spoken about at the moment re the way the twunts deal with their DC is horrendous. People like me and Hobbit are astounded at the way our twunts have sod all contact with their adult sons! and we think that is bad enough. But this other stuff is just beyond the pale. I really don't know what to say about it all.

just had another bloody row with DD - she is switching from being darling dd to bitch from hell - all because I keep trying to talk to her. she complains when i spend too much time on here but when I do try & talk to her i get the "Im not dumb - its obvious and this is before ive even said anything.

I am fed up of doing this on my own - i had to go to GP today to pick up what x is doing re dS because he still cant talk to me - just making things difficult - rather than take them on holiday feel like just packing them off to him & buggering off on my own. who is there to step in & say you dont talk to your mum like that when X's way of dealing with things was to walk off.

can somebody not say that when parents get divorced it is a condition that kids must have counselling because they are going to be screwed up & you as a parent need to realise that this is a consequence of your actions and not for everyone to keep saying - kids will be fine they can cope because my experience is screaming the complete opposite at me!

Izzie you do make me smile with your use of "random bloke" when mentioning Drifted now!

Me I liked your "You're never as broken as you think you are" quote. It's so true.

Green it is hard work having a teenage DD and I do worry how all of this is going to affect mine. I get the swings between being lovely and a nightmare too.

I find it really hard dealing with it by myself which is one of the reasons that I have kept Sid involved but it's still a totally different dynamic to when he was living here.

I'm never too sure whether to make allowances for her or not because of what has happened and I also wonder if she plays up a bit because she thinks she'll get away with it.

I know what you mean about there not being anyone there to tell her to not to talk to me like that anymore.

There was a thread on here a while ago which I found really helpful asking posters on here whose parents had got divorced how it affected them. There were quite a few responses that said it was okay if the parents handled it well but obviously it takes both parents to do that.

Just wanted to share that h is off on his travels tomorrow and although I'm really shaken up and not coping very well with his latest actions, I will at least get breathing space. dd and I struggling through but I'm glad to be back here again amongst friends.

Good to hear from you again, knocked, not heard from you for a while. KOKO xx

what don't be so hard on yourself. You can't help how you feel or how you act. It's all very well trying to maintain a cool and detached manner, but when you're going through this hell, it's bloody nigh impossible, especially in the early stages. Have a good cry, you are grieving, let it out. I'm so sorry, it's absolutely awful in the early stages when the grief is still so raw. I used to cry as soon as he left the house in the early months. Now look at me. I'm just an average person.

Evening lovely ladies and random man .
izzie bless you. I'm sure I'm not a dream wife but I just can't work out what he thinks he wants that isn't at home. He thinks we've lost the closeness we once had, is looking for the 'spark' again. He doesn't understand though that the 'spark' takes time and effort to maintain. I'm wondering what he's playing at. When I was begging him to change his mind he wouldn't consider it and now I feel that if I really pushed perhaps he might. I'm not going to. I've got some pride left -
just. To be honest I think he's worrying that he'll be lonely and is keeping his options open. I've come to the conclusion that if there was someone else then it's over. To be honest I think he's away lots, mostly in London, and sees loads of women through work etc and basically finds me wanting and is hoping that the grass is greener and
more exciting somewhere else. If the children were younger I might feel differently but I have made up my mind. I couldn't go through this again.

Anyway, too shattered tonight to offer much in the way of advice etc. Feel a bit down. Life feels like such a treadmill. KOKO all xx

Wise it is hard adjusting to their stuff going. It's another small change to your life, another reminder that this is happening and it is upsetting. It's natural to feel scared an it is scary, but it gets a bit less so. Will be thinking of you tomorrow, sorry you've lost someone close to you.

Izzie I would have thought you would have had more use for a hammer than a screw! Sid's good on DIY and has tools galore, I'll send him round...

Iget breathing space is much needed sometimes, I hope you and your DD will be okay. Keep posting if you need some support x

1 you sound lovely to me, your H is a fool to want to leave you. It must be very hard for you still living together so not surprising you feel down. You're in limbo at the moment really and it's hard to think things might improve. Take care sweetheart

Drifted I think you need to change your name to "RandomMan"! Hope you're okay and please keep posting, we like to hear from you x

iwashappy just wanted to say that your posts are just amazing - I can see how you have gained in strength in these few weeks ! (You have such a difficult situation too with the close proximity thing.)

Well done , you!!!

iwas totally agree with wise she is spot on here -

I have just sat in the car and blubbed after dropping kids off - i never wanted this - will I ever stop feeling like this?

I feel I am being tested to the limit by dd - i Know this is all linked in with birthday this weekend - doesnt help that X is being difficult with contact & sols have had to be involved to sort out - he is incapable of putting the kids before himself and everything ends up being a battle - it feels like we are now competing to see who is the parent that can do the better birthday - he has organised a surprise for them - I am stumped as to know what to do because it doesnt matter what i suggest to dd the answer is no and i have tried anything & everything - they dont want any friends involved - Ds doesnt want to do anything - i am wondering if they are bordering on depression - DD thinks i should just "know" what to do - its not enough that I have got tickets to a top concert next week and also taking her to the v & a exhibition. part of the problem she wants to do something with her bro - he doesnt! all the years when I have done full on parties for them seem irrelevant now - a bit like easter this year- couldnt find the bits for egg hunt and so failed massively.

I am thinking of postponing my course not sure if I can cope with this with cancer appointment and court case coming up at same time. even my SHL has told X sol to get him to send me the info I have asked for re Form E to save time & money - pretty unusual? but think he is refusing so just more unnecessary hassle.

Morning everyone

I can't make myself to go into work today. I can't face them. I know there will be shit but can't do it. Will prioritise contacting TU today, need to go the region as it is all beyond the local rep. I know just how he feels!

So another day with my dog. His breathing is still not great but is definitely easier. Keep everything crossed. I know I am being daft, vets yesterday alone cost quite a bit more than £600. There will be a lot more on top of that. But possibly a few more walks in the woods from it all.

WWK in some ways it is a tiny bit reassuring when you remember good times like that. They become so expert at rewriting the past you doubt yourself sometime.

1you are doing amazingly, and you are not the only one!

Right, off to do some marking.

Hi all, fuckit , good news about your dog, they are such a comfort in tough times aren't they? Don't know why, they just are.

You must be a very strong lady to deal with everything that life has thrown at you and still be standing, and working and dealing with your sons and your illness. And now the baby's arrival, to put the top hat on it.
I admire you, you have courage and resilience, and still retain compassion for others and a sense of humour.

If you can't face them today, ok, I wonder how many of your colleagues would be able to deal with the shit you have, not many I wager.
Chin up and KOKO lovely girl, don't let the bastards grind you down.

green I think the DC either want to do nothing or expect you to just arrange something is because they don't want to make a decision that could have repercussions. So they will either go quiet or get bolshy. They just don't know how to act.

Full on parties don't seem to happen so much at their age - not until they are 18. I would just ask if they want to go to their Dad's (say you don't mind and make sure they know you mean it even if you don't) If you are going to a concert next week that will be amazing for them, and you could have a family meal too.

Everything changes in this situation. DD1 had a full-on joint party with another girls for her 18th 3 yrs ago. We hired a room, food, disco, balloons etc. For DD2 last month it was cocktails at our house, then a cocktail bar, then a club. All I paid for was the food/drink at our house, minibus into town and a round of shots. Nobody minded, nobody cared, they all had a great time.

Fuckit glad the dog is better.

what yes it's really annoying when you have to do everything on their terms. Unfortunately it is all voluntary up to the point of standing in front of a judge - and sometimes not even then eh WWK and MrsC ?

anyway i have now discovered why they do what they do - because their heads are full of....see pic

He will only discuss "the situation" at times of his choosing - gets REALLY annoyed if I try at any other time - everything on HIS terms always

He is avoiding all evidence of my distress at every opportunity so he doesn't have to confront the reality of what he is doing

This is exactly the same for me, I'm still feeling like I'm in the waiting room of misery, just waiting to find out why he left, why he didn't tell me, how we are going to sort finances, why he left his kids, why he is work obsessed, still feel I have no control of my life and am struggling to find the strength to do it, I've missed him so much the last few days, all this hurt is for what exactly??? I wish someone could tell me because I don't have a fucking clue