HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Seems that I'm the only one who does like the expression "moving on" simply because I want to and he's doing all he can to prevent tat happening

Evening ladies and random bloke who has just appeared from nowhere.......feeling a lot more positive again today. Had a lovely time with brother and SIL. I'm so much more the person I really am without twunt. It felt like a real family time. I spoke to my brother concerning an issue re DS1 and his future, which had been niggling at me. I had thought of speaking to twunt about it, but quite frankly he's too wrapped up inhis own stuff to give anything more than platitudes. I despise platitudes. My brother gave me straightforward advice, and I feel DS1 now has a clearer idea of where he is going in the future. I should have spoken to my brother before, as I know he would give good advice. After they went I had a long chat with DS2 about things. You know the way some of us say we miss the marriage but not the man? Well he said the same about having a "complete" family. But he also said that he feels happier and that it is a more relaxed home since he left. He has said many times since he left about how proud he is of me and how I've coped. He is also so much more cuddly now. So is DS1. Occasionally they still run off when I ask for a cuddle, or just refuse, to wind me up. But at other times, they are physically affectionate and give me some lovely cuddles. They are both going to make wonderful husbands. I'm so proud of them. They deserved a lot better than what they went through over the years. Now I have the chance and the opportunity to build the family life they deserve, just this time it's a streamlined version, cutting out the dead wood.

Sorry, I haven't had a chance to reply to posts from this morning. I will do so tomorrow, but probably not till the evening.

But wanted you to know that these periods of depression etc really do disappear, even without anything changing. As we say, it's all part of the process. One thing that is so true on here is that the thread is full of strong women [and man] who all support each other. As Fontella said ages ago.

I must go have a bath and then head off to bed. Five more days then I have a week off, woo hoo, so I can do late nights again. KOKO all xx

Hobbit that mask!! Such a shame, OW is not very tolerant is she! Sounds like you enjoyed your night out, I had lots of wine last night too

Braving pleased he's quite far away from you so hopefully you won't bump into him. Lovely what your DD said.

Ali lovely to hear you had a better day and made me smile to hear your DD was giggling with her friends.

FuckIt pleased your dog is a little better. Picturing happy families is tortuous, but the reality is probably never as idyllic as we imagine. I think I've got tiddly more times in the last six months as I had in the previous six years! Wine and chocolate.

Izzie lovely that your sons are so supportive of you and have grown as men in the last few months. It's nice you can share the thread with them. I haven't told anyone I post on here, there's too much personal stuff on my thread and I can't chance my children reading it.

Hobbit I like your "not at the Mecca of 'Meh', but I can see it shining brightly in the distance" comment. It will shine for you sweetheart, lycra chops isn't worth you. x

I think when we all look back, from the outside now, they were shit. its only now they try for the Dad of the year poor me award and sadly some kids fall for it, 2 of my 3 have and I'm left with the one he hasnt bothered with for nearly a year, young or old I think kids get damaged and its sad what they can do just for financial gain

iwas my sons have never read the thread. They just wouldn't. But I do tell them about some of what is going on and what has been said. I think DS2 would like to go to live with Hobbit, her being a Liverpool fan and being closer to take him to the games. She's also got a good sense of humour and is a short arse like me. And she cooks lovely meals. Unlike me! And she has a lovely dog. Which I used to have.

Hobbit should Lycra Twunt be given a new name now? Something like the Masked Lycra Twunt? I'm sorry but if I were him, I would be hot footing it away from BF to find someone who would rather sleep with Herds of Pigs Man then the Masked Man.

Anyway, must go now xx

It's my garden and he's never grown a thing in his life. This doesn't stop him being an expert though .

He came back again this evening. Looking back I can see he manipulated his way into the house, blocking my car in the drive, because he wanted to talk. Didn't go according to his plan as I refused to wallow and dissect and discuss. But it's only in retrospect that I can see he set up the whole thing.

Between his know it all carry on this morning and his manipulation, flashes of anger when I wasn't playing ball, and trying to draw me into his convoluted logic tonight, I am wondering why the hell I wanted the marriage to survive.

It's like I was in some kind of alternative universe for all those years. One with its own rules and logic, made up by Him.

So it's been an unpleasant but useful lesson today. This is who he is.

On the bright side, a good looking, friendly guy chatted me up today. I had wondered if that would ever happen again. I certainly don't want another relationship for a good long time, I've done the rebound thing before and that ended well. But it was a happy boost to the old ego.

Drifted the washing machine analogy is very good.

Bambino I'm sorry so much of what you have posted sounds absolutely dreadful. The way he speak to you and OW in your bed and having to change your whole life. Please do not blame yourself, it is not your fault.

Ali take care and look after yourself. We will still be thinking of you even if you don't post for a few days. Please post if you need support, don't worry about responding to anything else. x

1 your H might find that separation might be what he gets regardless. Not just his decision, what arrogance. Be careful what you wish for. It's a bit like that song A Little Time by Beautiful South.

Green hope you are enjoying your Birthday weekend.

Why they don't seem to have any concept of how hard this is do they. It seems to be marriage over move on attitude.

Izzie pleased you are feeling more positive and you had a lovely time with your brother. If my DD knew I was on here I don't think she'd take any notice of me asking her not to look sadly. She's her fathers daughter in a lot of ways.

As you mention Fontella she's been quiet recently considering wine and Poldark have both been mentioned. Hope you're okay.

what you're right. I don't understand how the OW can live with themselves after being part of breaking a family up. No doubt the weasel has told the slag that we were broken but only a few weeks before we were discussing moving house or adding en suites etc. Then I had been seriously ill and he still shagged his police driving instructor. So how's he such a catch. The bitch actually accused me of harassment then sat in a coffee shop the next day with my children. I hope the vile bitch rots on hell. I understand exactly why you don't want your children to mix with the likes of the OW.

Izzie glad to know that you're feeling more positive. Don't worry about replying to all the posts...there's no pressure. Keep hugging your boys and it's good to know that you have that RL support.

I agree living the children do get damaged no matter what. My eldest DD still hates me and my little one has separation anxieties. It's all very distressing. I would have done anything to keep my girls away from the awful situation that their own dad plunged them into.

Just checking in, I think my h has fucked my emails up. He set all the emails up and their passwords and from today I can't get any. Dd still getting hers but mine saying server failed. I could be wrong but very coincidental to me noseying at his. Any technology minded people know if he could stop my mail ?
Arrrgghhh if it's not one thing it's another. I came off fb as well as I wanted to step away but can't be doing without my emails. A very quick check on fb earlier confirmed what I knew was coming ( probably why I deactivated account) he removed me from being his wife. Like a dagger to the heart whether he's a piece of shit or not. I really do think there is another woman but as he's going on Wed I don't have long to suss it out. I'm not going to be the last to know. I've remembered a few months back when I was trying to ring him and he had location services on... I couldn't understand why he was at a private house near our dd school. Now things maybe having meaning. Anyway wanted to pop on to say hi and I'm surviving.
I went to my friends today who was papering her bedroom and despite only having watched my Mum do it before, I actually jumped in and did it for her ... So yay for me, next step my bedroom, nice and girly until at least I get kicked out lol.
H didn't turn up until 9.35 pm to see dd and brought her home at 10.40 ! Yet I'm the useless parent.
Anyhow heading to bed as I'm shattered again. Night all xx

Roz...take the garden as a metaphor for your life. You can now take ownership of it. And if you want to let the grass grow or put a bloody mini windmill and gnomes in it's up to you!

You don't have to charge into another relationship but you can still enjoy being chatted up.

Happy Birthday Green xx

Night night girls and drifted xx

Shit, just realised if he's hacked my email account then he will have read my private mumsnet messages and could be reading all my msgs on here !!!!

ali if you log out of MN then you can't retrieve PMs. I get that all the time when I use my phone for MN.

I'm. It sure that a "server failed" means you what you think though. Meantime I would set up a new email account. A number of them will allow you to transfer over existing emails. I'm not sure how to do the second bupit, but I doubt it's complicated.

Perhaps someone can give more advice here

advice needed re email accounts, important

Just had a quick look online. Looks more like a tech issue. There's lots about how to fix. Hope that will help. Either way, I assume you changed passwords at some stage?

Catch everyone else later

Ali I'm not very technical but server failure could mean the account isn't set up right on your device, so the device can't connect to the mail server. What are you trying to read your emails on? Have you got something else you can try like a laptop?

Tried on my phone, iPad and dd pc.
My other cloud emails working but main one not. H was set up as systems administrator and he set up my email acc. When I tried to change my password months ago it said an email would go to his email address so I didn't bother. Have been googling all through the night as so many people use that address for me for private and financial stuff. Can't find any other reason for failure and just hope he hasn't intruded here. controlling manipulative bastard who also only managed to take his dd out for 1 hour at 9.35 pm last night. Yet I'm the one who has the problem !!
Anyway will log out and reappear at some point hopefully as 'a changed woman ' lol, if you know what I mean x
Can't even pm anyone

Good morning lovely ladies and gentleman,
sakura my love, I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable with drifted being on the thread, but please be reassured that he has felt the same pain and distress we have, albeit from a male perspective. If you have time read the back threads, and that will explain his situation. Please keep in touch.

Hi izzie my darling, glad you had a nice day with your family, love to your youngest , not sure how he'd feel about living in the arse end of nowhere, even with Jess as compensation,

Ali I've checked the emails between us and MN isn't mentioned if that helps. If he set up the passwords then the chances are he has changed yours which is why you cannot access your account. However yes - he will be able to read all your emails Presumably you cannot access his account any more?

First - go on the service providers page and click on forgotten password and see where that gets you.

From a quick google, if he has deleted your account, then it goes into limbo for 90 days before being released for re-use.

If still active, you can request it be moved from a sub account to a Premium Service - ie a stand-alone account. However there is a charge (£2 - ish per month?)

You're best bet is to have a gmail or live account and transfer everything over. A pain I know, but at least he won't have access to it. I opened a gmail acc purely for the divorce stuff.

Perhaps phone the provider direct and ask? I would do this asap

Do you have an address book on your computer so you make a list of people to contact re moving your email?

Ali this is his revenge because you accessed his email! You probably gave him the idea, but he has taken it a step further and changed your password. Even if you were to change your password, he could change it again. I think if you get access to your account, send all the important messages to another account, then stop using it

I have taken my dog to the Cardiac vet. I have left him there as he needs some tests, although they are not going to sedate him as too poorly so we shall see how successful they are. The good news is that there is room to increase his cardiac meds so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I have not gone into work today. I couldn't anyway because of Toby but the truth is I just cant face it. The harassment for work I have not done, the evil looks from Line manager and the hassling emails from HR. I don't have time to go to work. I have to get together some documentation for the Union and I want to do some marking for the kids, they need the feedback asap.

I don't know what to do about divorce stuff. My sister says don't do it in case I lose my job but every month that goes by he is harder and offers less. Delaying might mean we all stay together for longer tho. I sent over a present for the baby yesterday. Only a trifle and a card saying welcome. I don't know if that was right. Maybe it will go straight in the bin. I don't know. My sons' brother though. Feels like family quite apart from it being my husband's son. He still feels like my family after 32 years together. I cant seem to shake any of it. Want to get decorator round and see if I can get some of the work done and carpet down.

I am sorry a real ramble. It is all just too much. Guess i should go to the GP. I need to talk to him anyway as HR are requesting my permission to get a report from him about my health. Not today to, need to sort out Toby and I have a hospital appointment this afternoon.In some ways I just want to be sacked. I know I can't though. I have to pay the mortgage. Fed up of fighting everywhere. It is two years since he left, six years since he started his affair. Why can't I get it all out of my head?

Morning everyone.

Still simmering gently at H's behaviour yesterday, particularly the evening. He turned up with a take away for one, asking to eat it here. Then said "Should have asked if you wanted one". Which of course would have been normal manners.

He didn't ask because he didn't want me to know he was coming round, so I couldn't avoid him. He wanted to talk about why the marriage went wrong, without blaming himself in any way. It must be a real need he has to keep rehashing things. He always was a wallower and drama queen.

Well I don't want to do that any more. I don't want to live in the past. I have actually moved on as much as currently possible and I'm putting my mental and emotional energies into creating my lovely new life. Seems like he wants to drag me back into the morass of misery he lives in.

When I refused to engage and said " There's no point going over all this, it's over between us", he'd respond with anger and sarcasm. He kept saying "I just want you to know I really love and respect you as a person. You're a decent person, Rozalia, not many like you".

Why? O wise ones of Hobbits Bar? He's always telling me that. Like I need the endorsement of a lying, cheating, entitled man. All the value that has. It's like he believes I want or need to hear it. I don't.

I feel really pissed off with him. I know why the marriage failed. He's an abuser, that's why. I don't need his approval, it's worthless.

Wish I was a tougher, harder person who could tell him to fuck off and eat his takeaway elsewhere. Maybe when the divorce settlement is legally in place and I don't feel a need to keep his goodwill.

Bastard.

Just been doing a quick bit of googling about hoovering.

That's what he's doing. He doesn't want to be married to me but he does want a relationship with me. It's all about him, of course, wanting his ego soothed, understanding, kindness.
Kind of went wrong for him then. I told him I'd never really known him, I thought he was a better man than one who'd fuck a married woman when he'd had a meal with her husband and knew all about the children.

I regret having said that much as it was still engaging with him, which is what he wants. At least that's all I said, so improvement. Just a few weeks ago he'd initiate this stuff and I'd end up in tears of rage. So I'm getting somewhere.

My therapist, while not saying this was a definitive diagnosis, thought H probably suffered from some kind of personality disorder. I know you get people claiming this for exes all over the net these days. But she talked about his "state shifting" and internal emptiness. Several times he's told me lately that whatever he does he feels empty inside. He's been like an emotional vampire draining me of my life to fill the vacuum inside him. He thought he'd leave and be just fine. Instead the emptiness and pain grows.

But you know what? That's his problem, not mine now.

Any tips on reinforcing personal boundaries wouldn't go amiss, my dears. He had a good go at trampling mine yesterday. Blocking my car in, fucker.

Roz turning up with a take-away for one? Had to have a (slightly cynical) chuckle at that.

He's trying to make out what a normal person he is. What in effect he wants is to carry on a relationship with his "plaything" - someone whose head he can mess up. Passive aggressive at it's finest. Just another effort to keep control.

"It's like he believes I want or need to hear it" Because if he decrees it, it must be so (in his head of Twuntdom)

Do you need to let him into the house? Perhaps an inside bolt on the door or keys left in the lock? Then when he turns up, say it's not a good time?

You are doing brilliantly in that you HAVE moved on, but he hasn't accepted it - yet.

My stbx used to tell me what a good Mum I was - I just used to say "I know that, you don't need to tell me" In fact I took to saying that every time he gave me any sort of compliment - another was "you'll be okay, you'll find someone else, you've kept your figure" etc. I just said "well that's up to me/my business" Hated those conversations as they were so barbed