HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Bowing out of this thread now that there's a bloke on here. Not in the mood for being inclusive and the experience of ex-wives is so different to that of husbands for various reasons I can't be arsed going into. See you on other threads though :)

Sakura sorry you feel that way. Drifted has been on the thread since Hobbit kindly opened her bar up to us all, he is one of us oldies and is much welcome on here.

He is a lovely, genuine man who is going through the same shit as the rest of us, regardless of gender, and his posts are appreciated by many of us on here.

I appreciate that there are differences in the experiences because of gender but like a lot of the support threads on here surely it is wise to take on board the advice and opinions of some posts and disregard those you disagree with or don't relate to.

Roz I hope you are ok?

Wow sakura that's a shame. If you mean Drifted well he's been here since...well forever - before me anyway. I think you also have to realise that there are men on MN in general, and while not posting, they can still read what we write. There are, I believe, even exes who read this just 'coz they're nosy sods

Wise well done - we learn something new every day

Hello Me how are you doing? x

We all hurt the same way, may we be men or women, a heart is a heart, can be broken, smashed to pieces and trodden on, know your hurting sakura me too, keep your chin up Matie, it's really hard, but remember not all men are fuckwits, there are some real gems out there! And as far as I have read drifted is most Deffo one of them xxxx

iwas thanks for asking after me, I'm doing ok overall. Things have gone scarily quiet recently, which is why I haven't really been posting much. No more flowers at work and no more texts.

H told my oldest recently that he had been signed off work for depression and is now taking some medication to help this. Obviously wanted that information imparted back to me somehow like I should give a care but I don't. He told me ages ago he thought he might be depressed and did nothing about it. Now we have left he he is sorting it out! I'm glad he is, for his sake. Doesnt change anything for me.

Been busy sorting out the garden here and really enjoying work recently. Got a couple of camping trips booked for the summer holidays and making arrangements to cover the summer hols childcare. I know my youngest hates summer activity places but she is not yet old enough to be left to her own devices.

Anyway, how are you and those adorable kittens of yours?

My adopted boy is getting on so well with my established boy now, they have really settled together and I'm so pleased I would post up a pic but not sure if the cat ban is still in place?

At the risk of a ban from the bar from the lovely Izzie I'll sneak one in. Just look at how close they are! its amazing

Me pleased to hear you are okay at the moment and that it's "quiet" your end.

Good your H is getting help for his depression. You sound strong which is great. Great that you're keeping busy, it helps keep the mind a little occupied from other subjects!

Thank you for the picture of your cats, they are adorable. Lovely they are getting on so well.

My kittens are doing so well, they've really settled in and are keeping us amused.

I am okay here thanks. Fairly quiet at this end too. Been a bit reflective recently, found a bit of anger and can't believe how little respect he must have had for me to have behaved the way he did for so long. I know he does regret hurting me and our children and he didn't want to split our family up but I don't think he regrets being unfaithful to me, just the getting caught.

It scares me that we'd almost certainly still be together with him still seeing OW behind my back if he'd not left his phone in the house and I saw his text to OW. What small margins the path of your life is decided by.

What It's amazing how they can be so cold and detached so quickly. I do think it's best not to try to think about what they're doing unless it directly impacts on you, easier said than done, but you are just torturing yourself.

My bil has been a big help again today, such a lovely bloke who married a cheating bitch, never had any luck with relationships and he really deserves it.

What "how can he just do this" I really don't know how they can. There won't ever be a satisfactory answer because nothing they can say can ever justify it. I think that at some point the "why" stops being such an important question because you get more meh about it. That's probably not much help, sorry.

We are all here though and sending you hugs and and x

what yes it so hard, so unfair and so bloody exhausting.

"How can I just be another person to him?" I have no idea. We've all asked that question a million times, I'm sure. Without wishing to sound flippant, answers on a post card please to .......... Seriously though,there are ladies on this thread who have been married for 30 years. Literally a lifetime. How is it possible??? How can they???? Hope you're ok though. Must be good to have DCs back safe and sound.

I've had my text reporting safe arrival of DD back at uni. Phew.

sakura we will miss you. I remember being surprised that a man was posting on here and had mixed feelings initially, but Drifted was posting way before lots of us, including me and if he's cherished by Izzie, Hobbit etc then that's good enough for me. Good luck. Perhaps pop back just for 'a half' and keep us updated. You sound as if you've been through a lot and achieved a lot in a short time.

wise You are so hard on yourself. It's still such early days. Keep the faith that there's someting (dare I say someone) out there for us all and if not surely it's better to be without a significant other than being with someone who doesn't love us the way we deserve? Better alone than lonely surely, however tough these early weeks and months are.

according your boys look super. Watch out that Jess doesn't chase them away though....

"Someting" - I wonder what that is??

iwas I remain absolutely awestruck by how you and all of the others here have coped being dealt that blow of finding out about affairs and moving on from that. I am so glad this scenario didn't happen to me but it still hurts, making that decision to go, still does.

Deciding to leave, after several years of EA that ground me down to a shell of my former self, at least I made that decision myself and there was no shock factor involved. Although to be totally honest, I was so hurt by the lack of fight/evidence of wanting me to stay, there was nothing at all

I've been reflective too, its been good but painful. Ive been reading a lot.

It still hurts like hell though. Two failed marriages now and I really am mentally self-flagellating over that one, even though I don't believe either one is my fault. I cant help it.

Thank you 1no honestly, the love and adoration I get from those two guys is amazing, who needs a man? This was my floofy bed partner this morning

sakura...so sorry that you're leaving us. drifted has been here a long time and he has joined in with the tears and the laughter. Heartbreak isn't gender specific. Please come back if you need us. I'll be propping up the bar for a long time yet!

what...it is just so sad that they can switch from one life to the other so quickly. I've driving myself mad with the 'why's'...like you I don't think I'll ever get an answer. How can they appear so normal in such an abnormal situation is beyond me. The weasel said to me that he could see the time when he would come to the door for the children and we would be friends...WTF! They really do not see the vile, nasty things that they have done and said to us as being in the wrong. Sending you hugs as this is bloody hard.

1 pleased your DD is safely back at Uni.

Me thank you, we cope because we don't have any other choice. He's done what he has and I have to get on with it or fall to pieces totally I can't opt out of coping because I have my children. I have had days when I fell to pieces but I've eventually had to pull myself together a bit and get on with it even though I've still felt like I'm dying inside.

Whatever the reasons for the marriage not working out it does still hurt like hell. Don't be too hard on yourself because both of your marriages have not worked out. It takes two people for a marriage to work, you can only keep to your side of it, you can't dictate their behaviour.

But I do understand why you feel like that, I'm going to end up having to tick the "divorced" box on forms and I don't want to be doing that. I thought I would be married until one of us died and I don't want to be divorced. It's preferable to remaining married to a lying cheat but I never thought I would end up divorced and I feel like a failure even though the fault is with him.

Your boy is beautiful.

*bambino"...welcome to the bar. You have really suffered at the hands of this shit. The transferring of their anger and guilt onto us is shocking.
You are not to blame for this and you should not feel guilty. He was the instigator and the repercussions of it are his fault. Unfortunately we cannot switch our feelings off and I felt like my soul was being ripped apart.
And when they flaunt their wonderful life in your face it is so gauling because we are dealing with the fallout and our life is crashing round our ears.

My ex (aka the weasel) jumps out of his car like an 18 year old in a 45 year old mans body (although a lot skinnier than he was) when he picks the children up. He bounds over in his designer gear like a bloody gazelle. Twat! The cost of his happiness was paid for by the destruction of my girls childhood. I will never forgive him for that.

Izzie...great karma story. I can only pray karma visits the slag and weasel.

Roz...good to hear from you. Keep surviving and tell him to fuck off and do his own gardening!

1... separation might not be for ever WTF! Is he for real. So he wants to string you along after treating you so badly. He really has no idea what he has done. MLC and delusion. I would also not trust him on the finance front...he could be being selective about the stuff you don't know...i.e. telling you about a few and hoping that you won't delve any further.

Braving....excellent new about the dish washer...so you didn't fancy my paper plates idea?

drifted... washing machine of shit in our heads that is divorce. Separation . Betrayal . Just when you are doing OK , it spins again . That is exactly like it feels. At first I thought it was like white noise that disrupted every waking hour. Sometimes my head can't take it anymore and even brushing my hair hurts (or is that one just me?)

wise... My friends are amazing but it will become normal soon and they won't get that I still feel so horribly sad. and that's when you come on here and we will understand. So don't think that you're ever alone.

I've probably said before but I hate the words "moving on"...people just say well you've got to move on...how the bloody hell will I ever move on when I have children with the weasel. Our lives are going to be parallel, except he is the Disneyland dad and I'm the single mum on benefits. (sorry little rant there).

iwas...it's like the Sliding Doors movie. If you had chosen one path everything could have been so different. In my case I wish I had shut the ff ing doors in 1998!

Wise I can relate to your reading comment. I love reading but still can't concentrate enough to read, am still on the same book I was reading when I found out about the affair! I did read a couple of chapters a few weeks back but nothing since.

Home I hope you get a good outcome at your FH, I can't imagine how stressful that must be having your future depend on it.

Drifted like all the Police song titles, very good and made me smile.

Frizzy pleased you've had a couple of days where you felt stronger even if you've dipped again. It is a gradual process.

FuckIt I am sorry sweetheart, that must be so hard.

WWK thank you. Sadly I think you're right that he did disrespect me. He had a lot of good points so I tended to overlook the bad ones and most of the time he was good to me. It's quite hard looking back at things differently. The kittens are gorgeous and much fun thanks. Nothing wrong with being a mad cat lady So might you adapt the stray then, once he works out that you're lovely.

whyme yes I hate the chant "move on" shitbag repeats it endlessly, they do actually seem to move on (no OW in my case apparently) but how on earth can our lives move on with this daily shit they create after 35 years you think you know someone but really you dont, I'm not a complete thicko but I do feel like one at the moment, completely hoodwinked

exactly living...completely hoodwinked. I think the shock of realising that you will never really know someone makes you feel very alone. To think that we were all taken in by these twunts. It doesn't make you thick it just confirms that he was a good liar.