HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
...........................................................................................................

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

I agree that being near the end messes with your head. After months or even years of wondering what my future will hold and now within a few weeks it will all be decided, stamped by the judge and not possible to change it. I keep wondering about each outcome. Will I be happy? Well I regret it and wish I had a different outcome? How can I know what is the best outcome when I can imagine pros and cons with all of them? This has all resulted in me now sleeping less than 4 hours a night and feeling quite rough. I've coped well on 5 to 6 hours sleep every night since I discovered his affair but i feel terrible after just 3 and a half hours sleep.

Yeah, I'm with you there on that, home my love, but you've had a longer road to travel than me, and I've not had the added stress of court and all that entails to deal with.

WWk has posted some insightful stuff about going to court, and having a judge decide what happens in your life. It's such a shame the man couldn't come to mediation with a decent attitude, but it's too late for him now.
You did say you thought he was terrified at the idea of going to court, in that case why didn't he settle before that needed to happen.
I am concerned about you having so little sleep, things seem so much blacker when you are bone-tired.
Thinking of you and sending you all positive thoughts , x

Izzie595 - my story isn't very exciting.
December - my partner seemed to be more stressed than usual, he was a workaholic and the nature of his job meant December was relentless. We were arguing more, I put it down to us both Woking (I was having to go out to work at 3am each morning four days a week and one night shift included in that every second week, but I was still doing all the childcare, house work etc ...) and the fact that both our Dc birthdays are in December we just had an incredibily busy time. Alarm bells should of started ringing when he decided not to have the day off for either of their birthdays, he couldn't understand why I was so annoyed but they are only 3 and 4! But I let it slide ... So we get to Xmas Eve and he is at work all day and night( a late finish, which later transpired to him staying behind with his just "friend" colleague), he wouldn't get up the next morning, he made what should of been the first proper time our children understand christmas just miserable, it took me two hours to coax him out of bed after he shouted at me and told me to get a life. (Very unlike him) - no card or present for me off of him or from him on behalf of the children but such is life and I wiped that off as I always do. Well it got worse, he was vacant, miserable and if he could avoid me he would .. New Years Eve was the culmination and he just told me to leave he wasn't in love with me anymore even though he loved me. Felt like he couldn't spend the rest of his life with me and that was it. I left New Year's Day - and he has been nothing but a nasty piece of work since .. I still had no inkling of another woman, there was me begging for my family to be worked on and for him not to give up .. Whilst 3 days later he was sharing my bed with his married co worker! The phone bill that came 4 days after finding her at my flat confirmed they'd been carrying on throughout December.
I had to move out because the accomodation was provided by employment- my family and support were an hour away so that it is where I have set up home, a new job and new school and my own car - practically I have more now than I ever did but with little help or support from him.
I was lied to for months, he's been cold and nasty, he has the children one night a week and refuses to help anymore. I've had all the excuses under the sun "I'm working" "other dads don't have their children that regally" "you are just a statistic to me" "your mental" "I'm busy at work, your all an inconvenience, you know this is a busy time for me" "there are plenty of people I don't want to be with in this world and your just one of them" ... He made it incredibily hard for me to move on because of the lies he has spouted, he didn't see the children for two weeks after I left and the day I left instead of calling to see if the children were okay, he spent the whole night texting and calling her.

So fast forward 4.5 months - I'm only now beginning to except that this is over for good, god I feel guilty to the core that my children are missing out on their father. I blame myself, he never mentioned he was unhappy, only that he was unhappy in his employment but that was due to change in January anyway. We were supposed to be starting a new chapter.
I don't know what is going on with him an OW , she left her husband and now works for my partner at his new place, they don't seem to be out and about etc but I try not to monitor it as that ate away at me.

He is only now showing sadness at leaving the children, he gets so upset at the doorstep when dropping them off and again I'm eaten by guilt and blaming myself that he is apart from the children, he didn't want to be with me so had to choose between a life of misery or missing out on the bulk of the children's lives. I've asked him to talk about it but he gets defensive, " I don't want you back, I can't think of anything worse than working for your forgiveness blah blah"

It is hard and somedays I wonder if I'll ever not feel guilt for something that I didn't do.

He may settle before court but there are a few different options to thrash out. I think I will end up buying a new home, having a fresh start, that sounds lovely in lots of ways but then I just have moments of missing my house so much and wonder if I should push harder to keep it which in probably unrealistic of me. When I'm awake in the night I feel furious that I should have to lose my home just so that he could have a shag with a tart and a couple of blow jobs.

Fuckit it must be so hard with the dog in top of everything. I know incredibly difficult it is to let them go. We lost our lab 2 Christmas' ago. Strangely enough this was the last time h showed any emotion ...she had been coping with a massive tumour and we didn't know, dogs will hide their pain from you so by the time we found out it was too late. Best thing for your dog is be with them through it all. Mine went 'to sleep' with her head on my knee and I'm so glad I could do that for her. It felt no different than losing a member of the family but at least I knew she wasn't in pain any more. My h even balled like a baby and as I said, was the last time he showed he was capable of emotions. I don't plan on dying for him though ( oooh maybe that's a breakthrough as at one stage I gladly would have !!! ).
While you are thinking of the 'so called bliss* your ex could be feeling ( cunt by the way ) I'm imagining every time he is with baby and meets someone who says "oh is this your first grandchild?" And then the huge embarrassment he will feel every time. Sending you big hugs

drifted it's bloody blowy and not vv hot outside my bedroom window so I'm not moving yet. Forgive my ignorance... ex police band members ? Dear God not more of them ... Anyway send some sunny days this way please

bambino What a complete and utter shameless bastard ! Wtf is it with these men and OW ? " you're mental " ... That must be their standard reply then except I get the f word in mine. I think they all read from the same script and follow the same patterns. To do that to his children ... Callous bastard ! At least in your favour, they are young and will soon be free of the memories when he lived with them. You didn't do anything wrong or bloody well force him to shag some tart, he did that all by himself and it appears going from one bed to another gave him no time to realise what a heartless sack of shit he really is. They all have thus ability somehow to turn so nasty ... I don't think they want to feel guilt or remorse so they try and turn it on us... Like we deserve to be shouted at and treated like some piece of rubbish they can just throw away ... and ( my words are failing me here because I feel our h are all so similar) all I can offer is my support... We don't deserve it, our dc don't deserve it and somewhere at some time I just hope that karma sweeps in and shafts them big time. You deserve better, we all deserve better but because we are good people we spend time having to put the pieces of our lives back together. They aren't good people and sadly they don't 'get it'. They just move on. Even with what I'm going through and with the rage and fear of losing my dd, I stupidly still think ( less often now ) that some part of him will regret his actions and he'll one day turn back into the man I once knew and loved. But like you, the more you think they will, the more they have a hold over us and we need to let go for our own sanity.
I'm sorry I'm not great with words this morning, tired and reading what some of these men do just is such a painful reminder.

I think I need to step away for a day and build some strength up. Today is just - more day I need to get through without breaking down.
Be back when I can cope again, take care all

ali I think we have all felt like stepping away for a bit. What I would suggest is that if you need support, you post but don't read the other posts, if you can manage it. The vast majority on here tend to bold their replies, so you know if it's specifically for you. You're doing really well, but I do wonder if you still need us to reinforce that. As for you not being good with words, I think you are. And I also find your posts humorous in part too.

I've just noticed *ali's last sentence. I will PM this to her.

bambino I will reply more fully later, but just to say, as someone else just said, you have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about. If you feel guilty it is because you are a caring person who feels responsible for everyone else's wellbeing. Well, you've done just right by your DC, and he has made it clear that you are not his responsibility - as though we wouldn't all tell you that! Alternatively, if, like me, you were brought up a Catholic, there's a great truth in the "catholic guilt complex" whereby they feel guilty for allsorts. And if that's the case, just remember, as I do, that I didn't choose to be brought up in that religion. And that is why neither of my sons have been baptised, because I'm not laying all that stuff on them. Either way, get it into your head that you have done nothing to feel guilty about.

drifted
"I think of you ladies often ( & I am not being rude )"
I never thought you were being rude.......until you added that last comment

Hobbit WWK Fuckit Home What and others I will reply to those posts later. Thank you for your support. Xx

Karma just posting this before I forget. A friend of mine, known her for 16 years, met through DS2. She was the OW, she married him, had kids by him. All this happened before I knew her. Anyway, over the years it's become obvious from what she's said and reading between the lines that the marriage hasn't been happy in all the time I've known her. She has stayed with him for financial reasons, although she is a high earner herself...although he no longer is. A few years ago she admitted to having another affair. She told me that the OM was her soulmate. His personality sounded just right for her, it was the total opposite of her H. The affair was ended by the OM who decided to start a family with his long term partner. She was devastated. Despite advice from a number of us, she decided to confess to H. They are still together but she is not happy.

I feel sorry for her, she is my friend. But in the context of this thread.....Karma has struck long and hard and continues to do so.

Karma ......and neither is the marriage. Tensions are palpable, according to my source. H may still be with her, but knowing him, he will never let her forget it

bambino thanks for sharing your story. It is much like many of us here. It's the both working hard with young children and work and other pressures and it's being tough. But while we think it's a bad patch and we will pull through together, they decide it's too much for them, they deserve their happiness, we are not supporting them enough and they emotionally detach and by the time we find out its too late, and we get the I don't love you anymore speech. There was no OW in my case but the same entitlement and selfishness.

I think you have done amazingly moving to get support, setting up in a new flat and new schools. And actually, in a way you are lucky that your ex doesnt want to be that involved, I wish I never had to see mine again, but I don't have that choice. Well done, you seem very strong.

Izzie I think it's great that your DSs are giving you such good support. It's wonderful when they are old enough that they can understand the situation. DD2 has enough on her plate that I just try to tell he the bare minimum of what's going on. I don't think either of them expected anything less from their Dad. In fact DD1 expected so little of him that's why she changed her surname last year. She likes to support me - and I think is a little jealous I'm on here so much (but then she's at uni atm)

For the record my twat didn't want the cost of solicitor's either - yet here we are 19 months later still paying for them - and a barrister, and a mediator, and an IFA. what he says and what he means are 2 entirely different things.

If he were ever to agree to anything, I would not be out celebrating till it was signed, sealed and delivered, and I would still expect him to F-up any ongoing child maintenance.

Bambino he's a twat - end of!!! Just try to read your post and pretend it was someone else writing it. Luckily your DC are young enough to not be impacted by it.

I am just popping into the thread to stop myself exploding with pent up fury. H called by to pick up some tools and spent considerable time telling me Don't do it like that, do it like this. Mostly over the garden - I'm a gardener, he isn't. Fuuuuuuck!!!!

Over an hour of instructions. I did go inside in the end.

How did I ever stand it??? Pompous, know it all little bastard. And I wanted the marriage to continue. Was I mad????

No wonder I crawled out the other end of a 18 year marriage wondering if I could survive on my own. I'd been micromanaged for nearly 2 decades.

Who does he think he is?? The Man. I bet if take my blood pressure it'll be sky high. Fucker.

No apologies for the excessive punctuation!!!!

Will see all you ladies later. Have been preoccupied surviving. X

Morning all. Oops just looked at the time -afternoon.

I've waved off my older DC back to uni. I find it hard to focus on anything until I know they are safely back. Tons of domestic chores and work to do today. Had a long chat with HRT re finances. He's seeing solicitor tomorrow. He's being reasonable - if not generous - and actually reminded me of some shares he bought a few years back with some bonus money which I'd totally forgotten about. Not a vast sum, but I think every little helps. He's not a very reasonable person normally so I was pleasantly surprised. Early days though I know.

I was coming up the path earlier with a heavy box and he rushed to help me. A bit out of character too. I told him not to bother and he looked hurt. He just doesn't get it.

izzie'the weight of keeping this all to myself has been considerable I think and it's taken its toll. You ladies have helped enormously though - sorry and drifted!

It's funny, a few months back I think the secrecy maybe helped - now I just want to scream it from the rooftops.

bambino a depressingly similar story but you've done amazingly well.

Hi cassa good to hear from you. Hope you're coping ok and moving forward.

My H has just come to find me to say that the separation might not be for ever. No matter how much I tell him that I won't forgive him for this, I don't think it's truly sunk in. It's like he thinks he can have a sabbatical, find out if the grass is greener and come back if it's not. My m and d think that's why he's being relatively calm and reasonable over financial arrangements. He thinks he'll have all the cash back perhaps. More fool him. Catch up later. Two days work to do in half a day....x

Hi Roz - it's funny - they no longer want to be our husbands bit still want the kick out of telling us what to do. Mine handed me some stuff to take up stairs yesterday when he was having a tidy up. I dropped it on the floor and told him to take it himself

I've ordered a dishwasher, because I wanted to and I can :)

I met my mother for coffee earlier, told her I didn't want to talk about things, I'm tired of talking about it and getting the same opinion from her over and over again. That didn't really work.

Now I've got to go to see my MIL, still don't feel like talking about things, will have to rely on dd for subject matter.

1 the separation might not be forever? Excuse me but WTF? Well if he truly believes that and on that basis is being reasonable finance-wise, then I would not tell him otherwise.

The cynical side of me would be thinking that just because he tells you of some shares, doesn't necessarily mean he is owning up to all assets

Roz we've been wondering where you were.. Thought it was a case of no news was good news as you have been doing so well. Just remember you don't have to listen to him. Unfortunately they catch you unawares. You think after a while they are going to act reasonably but no, it's just another mind fuck

bobs you're probably right. His finances have got more complicated over recent years. I don't really trust him any further than I could throw him. His work situation is complicated and involves part ownership of a successful professional firm. Only a very small partial ownership though - or so I believe. I've just emailed my solicitor - need some advice again I think. He's made no effort to save our marriage and is playing mind games me thinks.

Supermarket next. One child safely back at uni. Waiting to hear other has arrived....does the worry of motherhood ever end..?? Ps H so predictable - gone to mow!!!!

Whenever my H is hatching a plan or pissed off about something he can be found on his mower.....

1notgoingback you have hit the nail on the head about the husbands who are all calm about what they've done because to them we (their wives) are solid, and a sure thing. Well yes, that's because being a wife is actually a lot of work. We have built a home, we have borne children. It's fucking hard work and it might feel solid to these men but when they behave like they have they don't seem to realize their solid situation has changed to liquid. I honestly began to believe mine was thick.
At one point before discovering all their love texts, H was threatening to throw me out on a regular basis. I was in a fog of confusion. He clearly wanted to end the marriage, but he didn't want the guilt of being the one who ended it, so he drove me to despair so that I would jump ship. But I needed that extra push of seeing the affair in black and white before I left (and before I was confident that I'd get away with keeping the children in court).
And then he just sort of began behaving like we could put it behind us He does seem to want us back. He misses the children, of course, but he seems kind of confused that I'm starting a new job and have a new home etc. He really did just want a sabbatical from the marriage, it seems. Well, marriages don't work like that.
You know, I could forgive the affair, but I'll never forgive him making me feel like a piece of trash he could discard. I'll never forget that feeling of all the energy I poured into our lives turning to dust.

green hope you are enjoying your birthday weekend with lots of and 30 is such a wonderful age xx

sakura you are right. An affair, if my husband is having one, is almost an irrelevance compared to the way he has treated me since 'the announcement'. Cruel things said and done. I forgave him everything he ever said and did during our marriage, pre announcement, and by his own admission, he's not easy to live with. Since December, nah. He's on his own now whatever he thinks the future holds. He could have tried for me - if not me our family. I've never really asked for a lot. Don't spend much cash on myself at all, don't have fancy clothes, I love shoes but don't have that many - he's probably got more if we counted, not wanted a smart car, I'm not into flashy meals out or spa weekends, I let him live his life with minimal complaining, washed, ironed, cooked,cleaned, went to work. I just wanted to keep my family together and would have done anything to achieve that but he threw it all right back at me. Wouldn't discuss it just gave me lists of reasons why he was unhappy and I wasn't good enough.

Just re-read. Turned into a rant cross sob story. Sorry all

Happy birthday green

Looking forward to being 30 myself hope all well and you've managed to enjoy.

Will catch up with all you ladies later.

Twuntface has just been and picked my two littles up, it always knocks me for six as he will talk to me like we are old friends, he'll talk away but then he always brings me back down to earth about his new life and how wonderful it is compared to mine.

Hate that no-one knows what time I got back last night, or if I have a hangover. I get what someone said upthread about after the shock the loneliness kicks in. My friends are amazing but it will become normal soon and they won't get that I still feel so horribly sad.

I identify totally with this Whatyousee I fear I am going to be the dead lady in the house whose cat ate her!

drifted where the hell are you ? The Caribbean?? VV hot?
bambino all his choice - what a total knob ! Not your guilt..

and I have learnt how to read all messages in one list

As someone else said the consolation from all of this is that you hope that your children are learning from all of this and will treat their partners in a DECENT way instead of like a piece of shit on their shoes after 30 years !

Hugs to everyone x