HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Well I was wrong he still has both cars, so the other one must be the slutmobile, hence him looking sheepish when I saw him in it.

He took dd to his house today, he did ask her if it was OK and told her no one else was home, so she seems to have been OK with it. I know I can't avoid her going there, and eventually meeting them and staying overnight but it's hard. He showed her the room she'll stay in !!!

At least I suppose I know now where he's living now, which village at least, and it's a lot further away than I thought, hopefully they'll shop etc. in the next town over from there and there'll be less chance of bumping into them.

Bastard.

The dog is also home (4 days early) and wanting lots of cuddles, they were both pleased to be home which is nice. DD says she loves me the biggest and will never want to go to live with him, bless her.

I'm beginning to see the appeal of having a man or two on call for days like these, a better distraction than cleaning, shopping and lawn mowing.

And it's only 16:12 pm

Make that 18:12 pm told u I was pissed

I know I didn't do anything untoward I just feel guilty he left me and in turn left the children - he never spoke of his unhappiness and I find that incredibily hard that he just chose to give up with no mention of it, an easy exit with a colleague and cold heartless comments from day one - including their are billions of people in this world I don't want to be with or shag and you are just one of them now so get used to it - I'll never forget that! I'm the mother of his children not a tart on the street.

Hilarious about the sleep apnea mask! Mine was an atrocious snorer. DD (8) has said she's glad we're in a new house because she doesn't have to hear him snoring. She could hear him through the walls. This comment of hers came totally out of the blue and unprompted by me. His snoring was the least of my troubles towards the end, but now that you mention it I'm glad I no longer have to hear those crashing snores. I think I must have blocked them out of my psyche years ago. They were not attractive.

I think Bambino that's the big misnomer - that you think everyone else is strong and you're weak, but imagine the lot of us all on our keyboards (or I-pads) thinking the exact same thing as you.

I hated being called strong in the early months - because I was a gibbering wreck at the time! But I do feel stronger today than a year ago.

There are times when we feel okay. There are times when we feel very, very, very sad or depressed, or struggling and are basically a snotty mess of sleeplessness and stress!

It is just wading through each day and if that day is not so bad, or you find some things to laugh about, or you just think meh then that's a bonus. You can't switch on those feelings any more than you can switch off the bad ones.

The pain is real, and physical and gnawing away all the time. But then some days it just lifts for a bit - on its own accord. There's no end date, but that doesn't mean it doesn't end. It does but you just don't know when.

Well done Bobs! It's little things like that, that are in actual fact huge, which make the world's biggest difference to your self-esteem!

Braving bringing her home early, huh? I wonder what that means...

Fuckit don't apologise. Our pets are so important to us - and you've had your dog a long, long time. He's precious. Will it help if you call the emergency vet? It's so very hard your situation with him having a new child, it really is. So don't give yourself a hard time for feeling sorry for yourself.

Hobbit you are pissed. My name is WWK not Why!

Sakura It's amazing what they pick up and process but keep to themselves, when we talked about making some changes to the house after H left dd pointed to the wine rack and said "shall we get rid of that", so she had noticed he was drinking more (trying to numb the guilt), but never said anything.

Well Apparently she asked when she was coming home, and as they were just sitting around with him watching tv and her on her ipad I suppose he thought he might as well bring her home early.

She also asked if the dog was also coming back, hence I think that's why he brought him as well.

I know, I'm sorry, wwk , am pished already, I'm such a lightweight,
Cocktails next, then food, maybe it should be the other way around,
Hey, I've had a good week, mediation success and now sleep apnoea!
Way hey!

She wanted to be with you and the dog braving
That's all that matters.

They're both sitting in the living room with me, rather than dd in her room and the dog on my bed :)

hobbit glad to see karma alive and well in the arse end of nowhere

Glad your little family pleased to be home braving

fuckit not surprised that marking is difficult to focus on. There's always tomorrow. Be kind to yourself.

Have a good evening all. Will catch up later.

Aww Braving that's so nice to have your family around you. I think they appreciate you more when they go away.

Fuckit how's your dog? It's really tough when they get old. I kept on hoping that mine would go in his sleep but there came a point when enough was enough. If they have had a good life that is what should matter

Pissedhobbithead glad you're having a good evening. Jess will be expecting her walkies bright and early tomorrow

Is everyone drunk and sleeping?

Flipping heck, just read through all the posts from this morning and that's taken me about an hour. I know I'm repeating myself but it is such a life saver this 'sister and 1 brotherhood '. I'm trying to figure out settings to get all the posts on one page so I can reply easier.
Again there are so many of you giving me the best advice and I really am trying to 'keep calm and carry on ' ( understand that phrase so much better now ). Started the day afresh, got dd up and took her to get her ear pierced in the cartilage bit. She had been asking for ages and well, fuck it, if it's how she wants to express herself then who am I to argue. Shithead already agreed so why not. She squeezed my hand getting it done and we had a nice day in town. When I'm with her I feel happy and just want her to be happy. Then she got me to leave her at h house. Again she was only there a couple of hours. I'm following all your advice... Just let her go do her own thing, can hear her giggling playing her friends on Xbox online. A joy to my ears that sound. So not a bad day for a physically/mentally/drugged up incapable mother !
Roll on Wed so I can be free !!
So far no abusive texts, emails or calls, so that's a win for today. One day at a time and I must remember it's just because he wants back in the house.
Bobs you'd be a shrewd poker player, yes I must not give away what I glean ! And I know I must be careful as I can't afford to lose half that pension... It's all the Bastard has.
WWK you are so right about only being words on a page and if he wants to run to solicitor, he can and at least he'll be in more debt.
Sakura I am horrified at what you went through before and have had to cope with you're a survivor definitely.
Hobs as always you just make me laugh and I try and visualise all your antics. Don't go breaking your neck on the sauce... You've got that lifetime spousal to protect !
I'm so knackered and overwhelmed by all your kind words and advice, which I do actually try to take onboard. My go to reaction of panic just set in but must remember, 1. he is not a doctor, therefore not qualified to comment on my capabilities and 2. he is a cunt who wants me to react.
Right off to feed the cat and get a cuppa. Hugs to everyone x

Morning all

ali your last post is very encouraging as you are changing your mindset. It's true that we can't change things but we can change how we react. Well done, so pleased for you. Glad things seem easier re DD now

bobs the sense of achievement in doing something we've never done before is so good for the self esteem, although I recognise that you did so much of the practical stuff when with him. But for those that didn't, including me, tackling things that were previously left to the spouse may be time consuming as so many things are done for the first time, but it's gradually building on our skills and self esteem. Youtube is great for demos of how to tackle jobs too. I think when we know we can do these things ourselves, it's easier to contemplate life without them. I'm certainly finding that in practical terms he is redundant. He doesn't help, so I've done things myself.

Hobbit haha that phrase "I may have had wine" is one of your catchphrases! and makes me laugh every time. I told DS2 you were pissed and watching the football. He smiled. But not at the end of the match. His heart is broken a bit more .

As for the sleep mask....omg! going to sleep next to someone in that contraption! or waking up to it, well, it's hard to think of them in the same light again. And now he knows how reasonable you were being, just by sleeping elsewhere on occasion. These OW, their understanding etc soon goes once they have them full time. I was going to say their masks slips, but that would be somewhat ironic!

I looked up sleep apnoea. I think the ex may have it. Life limiting? I bloody well hope so in his case. It was certainly sleep limiting in mine.

1 not too much longer until you no longer have to live with the burden of the secret. Hold on in there, you are doing amazingly well to keep up appearances. As others have said, I don't think it will be much of a surprise to the DC

bambino that comment of his about billions in the world etc. I haven't got a grip on your story yet, but it's comments like those that will help you to emotionally detach. As always, of course, it's not about you, it's all about them.

Strange that so many of our exes have sleep apnoea is having a MLC one of the symptoms?

Well done Ali. The best thing I did was to make STBXH think that I don't give a shit about anything that he says or does and that I am not scared of anything that he threatens. Fake it if you don't feel it.

My dog seems to be breathing a little easier. I did not take him to vets, instead having trawled the net I doubled one of his drugs. Not a long term solution as it will mess with his kidneys but it has improved things for now.

They have had their first night with their baby. Am picturing bliss. Hopefully they are so tired (him at 55) and sore (her, I hope she has loads of stitches) that it was not as I am picturing.

Have a list of urgent and essential things to do today that is not achievable. That is without the targets set by my line manager. This is I think half the problem. It is not possible to get everything done so I freeze.

Had a friend here last night, asleep on the sofa as I type! Drank too much wine and have woken up with a very sore tongue. How does that work? Am guessing it is dehydration and tongue getting stuck to roof of mouth or something ? Anyway, no wine for me tonight. Need to stop seeking peace in a bottle.

Fuckit thinking of you and your dog.

Frizzy glad you had a good day yesterday

Drifted thank you!

And to all of you, a number of whom I haven't commented on, KOKO, and have a good day

Me, a combination of significant dates and what is happening in work now has given me too much time to think, but in a not very positive way, and I've been struggling with anger and a bit of depression. I've felt overwhelmed again with what I know needs doing. I know I set myself hard targets, athough I do adjust them regularly to take account of other things, but all the same.....As far as the practical stuff is concerned I have recently been looking forwards, rather than backwards. I think looking backwards is good because it reinforces what I have already done in a short space of time. But when I'm in one of these frames of mind, it doesn't work. But I recognise that in myself, so sort of wait for the moment to pass.

I read some wise words, probably from WWK At first we are in shock, and it is when that shock disappears, that the other emotions come to the fore, the reality of the situation dawns. Hence why we may feel depressed, anxious etc. this is totally my interpretation of what she said. But I think this is possibly where I'm at, I don't know. But it certainly helps me to understand a bit more. I think also at the back of my mind is the thought that at any minute he could press for a financial settlement. I'm not sure why that bothers me. He did sod all when I asked him for one, so I'm no going to be rushed at all. He wants to avoid solicitors as much as possible, so I won't be getting arsey letters from them if I fail to respond in his timescale. Anyway, things will be done to my timescale.

One of the best things to come from his leaving has been the way my sons have been so supportive of me. I've mentioned before that DS1 was not so good with emotions previously, but is a different person now. I had a bit of a snivel yesterday. I said I didn't really understand why I felt like I did. He said something like "you know it's all part of the process, mum, you've said about the people on the thread, one minute they're doing well, then they go backwards, but then they pick up again. And you've said about the new people joining, and how you were like that once, but you're not now, and they are improving"...... Oh bless, he's taken in all I've said. He's also given me lots of advice about doing my stuff in the house, about trying to concentrate on one job at a time, or maybe just a couple, because he knows what I'm like.

Both of my sons know about this thread, DS2 in particular, as he's around more so hears me laughing a lot. I tell them quite a bit. They both see how much it has helped me, and continues to do so. If they were to post on here they would thank all of you for giving such support to each other. And Hobbit, if you ever need a dog sitter .

I ve had a productive day yesterday and had an early night. I have my brother and SIL over later, having a get together with them and my sons to thank bro for all his help. And SIL of course for giving up her time too.

Feeling a bit more positive. Working on it

That thread about OW. Has it been taken down? I had it marked as one to follow, but it's dropped off my list

Yep - it's been deleted. Apparently if they were to remove all the personal attacks and trollhunting...there would be nothing left on the thread!

And the OP has de-registered. Good.

And that last post Izzie was really insightful. You are doing okay and you will be okay - but just as 'before the big bang' you had good days and bad so you do after. It's just after is really hard so bad days are really, really bad and good days are all relative too. It's adjusting to a new normal that is so hard and takes so long.

Morning all, hobbitpissedhead reporting for duty

I may have had wine last night and two 'bad kitty's' (cocktails, yum) and then more wine, but I have had a good week an all, and wanted to celebrate, although not Liverpool losing,

I'm glad you're feeling more positive izzie my love, it's shit this divorce malarkey isn't it. But we'll all get through it, I'm nearly there now, and that's a bit of a headfuck tbh, but at least it will be over. Of course I still have to deal with them being in the same village, and all that entails, and he is still my sons father, so we will be in each other's lives until one of us dies.

I'm still not at the Mecca of 'Meh', but I can see it shining brightly in the distance.

all .. just saying good day . V V hot in the land of Ex-Police band members .

Anyway , I hope we are all going to have a slightly better day than yesterday . Which means it is one day nearer to that day where we don't think about the f**ker who brought us together . IE brought us together on MN .

I don't do piccies or cards or stuff like that . I say stuff that comes to me when I am typing . Occasionally a poem , sometimes rhymes . I have to walk now before it is too hot for the dog.

But saying hi to everyone.

I know it easy for people to use words , they seem to just spout them when they mean well eg Time is a healer ! Yes it is but they don't have the washing machine of shit in our heads that is divorce. Separation . Betrayal . Just when you are doing OK , it spins again .

I think of you ladies often ( & I am not being rude ) .

I hope you are all going to have a good day. I mean that . Sometimes we have to just wade through the shit to get to where we want to be . Wherever that is .

Sometimes I read back on MN & think where do we get these words from ? I guess they come from being honest. Shame on those who weren't honest with us when they f**ked off.

KOKO xxx.