HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

I agree with Wise in that taking vitamins can help with coping with all of this shit - and the psychological factor of doing what you can to help get through this also helps.

Vitamin D is actually the sunshine vitamin (for whatever you can't get naturally in winter unless you eat loads of oily fish). My Doctor recommended this for DDs a while ago in 5000 iu from Amazon to be taken during the winter.

Vitamin B is the vitamin that is more quickly used up in times of acute stress and affects depression and the functioning of the nervous system.

Stress manifests itself in different ways in our bodies - sleepless nights etc. For me I get a severely cracked tongue with blisters which can make it difficult to talk/eat. It can appear one day and be gone 2 days later. I combat this by taking double dose of A-Z multi-vitamins and minerals.

I usually suffer from hair loss when I'm stressed, my first divorce led me to have a seriously nasty bout of alopecia which left me with massive bald spots all over my head. It was horrible.

Hence I am engaging in lots and lots of stress reducing activities now, mindfulness, meditation and starting yoga again (only at home though, I found a great app )

Both my girls are over at his right now, for a BBQ lunch. He is already posting up pictures on FB of the great time they are all having..meh!

Im trying to do something worthwhile and not procrastinate on here so am cooking a roast tomato and bean soup to freeze for a midweek dinner.

Ali I wish I could help you more, my heart is going out to you but Bobs is right, read and take from the others who have been there. He will NOT destroy you

fuckit
I know you were dreading baby arrival but you've survived - however hard it's been, you've survived and are still moving forward

Ali
I echo what others have said. I have a 15 year old DS and at the end of the day, when he does or doesn't see his dad will be his choice. I can't imagine insisting that he goes or refusing to let him. Keep calm - difficult I know - and carry on doing what you are doing. She lives with you. Isn't he off to Canada soon anyway? The truth will out eventually. Play the long game and in the meantime all any of us can do is take each day as it comes.
In general, surely letters that one parent gets their child to write to score points against the other, is a form of child abuse in my eyes. Here's hoping courts see it as such. Whatever I personally feel about HRT and his ability and commitment as a father, I can't imagine asking them to put down in writing what they feel about him just so I could use it against him in court. Surely courts appoint paid professionals to ascertain the true wishes of minors and to wade through the emotional turmoil and possible emotional 'blackmail'?

KOKO all. Sun shining here xx

Wise you can set the pages so all posts read on one page, and then scroll up and down accordingly! Your gynae is completely right. You are free to do what you want. The tough part is figuring out what you want...because you've spent years putting his moods first (guilty as charged m'lud) so it's really odd saying to yourself 'just because I can'!.

drifted I'm glad you're feeling more detached. I think to cheat on your spouse time and time again means you simply have no integrity. You've made a commitment and a promise and you've broken it. (Not you you, but cheaters) By breaking it, you've broken someone's dreams, hopes, beliefs, expectations. So how can there be anything wrong with you? You've got your integrity. It's firmly intact.

Ali, WhyMe is quite correct, you have to look at those words and not believe them. I've seen so many legal docs now from women in our position and the shit I've had to read about them, you'd think I was brave even just talking to them! Because they are just words on a page, those words do not represent the women I know, that I've met. Far from it. And if you do end up having to get the courts involved (try not to), then will NOT take him at face value, he will have to prove it. As Home points out, any evidence is highly scrutinised and if it seems to be manipulated then the consequence is that it's counter-productive. MrSW tried and failed to manipulate the judge. The judge perfectly demonstrated his contempt for MrSW. They do see through it. More to the point: they've heard it all before so they are very cynical. Ali please remember: you've been seriously ill - no court in the land is going to punish you for that. It is a fact of unfortunate nature that you got so very poorly. The fact that you're dealing with an unsympathetic monster on top will endear you to the court. And it will embarrass him. You are not a criminal and you have not committed a crime. Please remember this.

And also to make a firm point to you. You are not being paranoid or delusional. Your fears are totally real - but it does not mean they will happen (worst-case scenarioing as I say). Divorce is a very frightening time. I've lost count of how many times I've said: "I know this sounds paranoid but....and I've heard it from others. We are all sane, rational, human beings who are just scared witless at times.

Frizzy it's a really cyclical process, you crash down, then you start to feel a bit better, then you dip again, then you have a sunny spot. It will be like this for as long as it's like this, but it's not forever. You're allowed to miss him. You're allowed to mourn the life you had. You're allowed to feel sad and hurt, and betrayed. Anyone (including your own head demons) that tells you otherwise is just plain bloody wrong. So be nice to yourself.

Iwas Sid disrespected you so much. The phone calls are another symptom of that. I'm so glad you've left him. How are the kittens? I have a stray who has taken a shine to my two - I watched them all running around together yesterday. He won't come near me...but I'm clearly still a mad cat lady!

Sakura it's shocking how some of these men are just not capable of giving support. I hardly told MrSW any of my concerns because he couldn't handle them. I remember saying to MrSW once "you're supposed to support me" and he said: "it's not my job to support you"! Fucking arse - I wasn't fucking paying him to be married to me! I'm so glad you're getting on with your life too.

Migraines are my stress symptom. I've got one today as well. Annoying but there you go. I've been back to bed so that's helped.

Izzie Glad to see you back!

Fuckit I think all of our emotions are a headfuck! I don't know if this will work for you, but when I find myself thinking about 'happier' times, I force through memories of bad times. It's odd but it's helping me start to accept 'thank fuck he's gone' rather than just mourning what I've lost if that makes sense?

Hello dear readers, I just found out some verrrryyy interesting information from a friend of a friend, so I thought I would share it with my buddies.

Apparently all is not all roses in the garden at LycraTwats Towers

What a fucking shame!

FF has been diagnosed with sleep apnoea, and now has to wear one of those terribly attractive and sexy looking masks to bed, so that he doesn't stop breathing in the night and never wakes up,again. So, karma, you lovely, lovely bitch you, has struck again. Now, this is not news to me, I put up with his snoring and snorting and stopping breathing for years.
But now, so does she, and he has been dispatched to get a very comfortable I'm sure, contraption, so she can get a bit of shuteye .

Now, I know you won't begrudge me my happiness at another persons misfortune, when the persons involved are complete cunts, so I will skip gaily along to the pub later, and laugh to myself. < ha fucking ha>

KOKO , all you lovely girls and drifting, the sun is shining in the arse end of nowhere today, and hobbsy feels good.

hobbit Good news :)

I'll add to that H having to part with his pride and joy car this week, funny how he can't afford it now he isn't being subsidised by me.

Ha ha a bit of a passion killer having to sleep next to snoring Darth Vader meanwhile you get to stretch out in a peaceful bed with the gorgeous Jess.

And I speak from personal experience with an ex who also had sleep apnoea and for some reason had decided it was all my fault so every time he got jolted awake he would say f...ing bitch or f...ing cow. Thank you Hobbit you have reminded me of another reason why I am so grateful to be free.

Just had a message to say he's bringing dd back 2 hours earlier than expected

You're so welcome, home my love,
Free, free at last! < well nearly>

Hi lovely ladies and man, cavalry came to the rescue today, nice to have good friends, rose in the sunshine, now assisting the cooking of a huge chocolate cake whole tub of Betty Crocker choc fudge icing to adorn, kitchen was tidy about 15 minutes ago now looks like shit, going to have another and say fuck it and fuck you wankchops too, tomorrow is another day and today is one more I've got through despite you dickface for frizzy and my lovely hobbits xxxx

Hobbit how mean of you mines a bottle of house white

I have learned a new skill today - how to change a cylinder lock on the front door! Put simply, it broke, I googled it, extracted said item, went to diy store, bought replacement and fitted it...easy peasy

For your delectation and consideration.....

Jess's thought for the day.....off now to watch the footie in t' pub, Steve g's last game, thinking of your boy izzie xx

Today is hard. Very tired and failing to do the marking. Very worried about my dog. He has heart failure amoung other things. He was given two years about five years ago, and about eight years ago so has done well. His resp rate is skyrocketing despite loads of extra meds. It is lovely here and I know he would love to go to the woods but am scared he will keel over and I won't find him, or that I will find him.

Fuckityfuck.

My boys are going to see their new brother tomorrow.

Shall i call the out of hours service at the cardiac vet? Maybe I would get lucky and he would be on duty?

So worried about work. Have not checked bank account for a while now either. Paperwork everywhere. Downstairs in disarray still from flood. Have insurance money but worried I will lose job and need that to pay mortgage. Concrete floors and feels cold inside even when sun shines.

Sorry to moan. It is all too much here and he will be cuddling OW and baby. Bet he is being lovely to them.

ha! What a lovely image that makes Hobbit. MrSW has sleep apnoea as well! And when it came to Form E he decided to go on about some minor heart condition and completely forgot the sleep apnoea...which can be life-limiting. Back in the days when I loved him I used to worry about that a lot.

No wonder he was a grumpy bastard though - never got a decent night's sleep. Meh.

To all you strong women on here I don't know how you do it !! Some days I feel like I'll never be happy or myself fully again.

Today is the day I told myself id stop pining for him , it was a random date I picked in my phone and marked on the calander in January when I was at my lowest - I just want to be free of the twat - I'm not particularly angry either which worries me, I wish I could have a fuck you attitude and remind myself he's a liar and a cheat but .... I blame myself for him leaving - the unhappiness I must of caused him to cheat on me and eventually to leave the children ! Tomorrow he'll pick the children up, make small talk and tell me all about his wonderful business and life and I'll just be stood there still wading through the shit he slung at me.

Bambino why do blame yourself for him leaving? Were you really nasty to him without provocation? Did you beat him or yell at him non stop for no reason? Was he the perfect husband and Dad? Did he ever tell you he was unhappy and try to make an effort to make the marriage work?

You said yourself he was a liar and a cheat and you call him a twat - there's a clue there!

You are doing brilliantly in sorting your life out. There are bound to be days when you question your life with him. Luckily they will become fewer and you will gain some perspective. It's good that you picked a date. Write your feelings down, then pick another date. when you get to that date and read back what you wrote today I bet you's feel differently

By the way please don't think we are all strong on here! As they say it is a roller coaster - up and down, so one day we're giggling away like infantile children ( Hobbit ) and the next we're on the floor crying. We're just learning to go with the flow

Had a sneaky look at my phone, don't want it to be life limiting Why my darling, I've got my joint lives maintenance to think of

He gave me grief for sleeping in the attic when I couldn't get any rest, and now he's got a fucking mask for her!

Oh, the joy ! Excuse me, I perchance have had wine,

bobs you is the cheekiest caahhh in the whole of caahhhdom!

I loves ya though!
Gettin grief from my mates now for being on phone, c u later,
Gawd, Jamie Carragher and that other fella, Jamie Redknapp look so hot in their suits don't they?
Is it hot in here ? Or is it just my age? Tee HEE

Fucking sleep apnoea!

I am a pissed little person. It is official,