HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

ali you have already had some good advice, just wanted to add a hug for you. What a wanker he is!

Some great advice from why and home for you Ali my love .I am astounded by the callous manipulation of their own children by these bastards to further their own ends.

How low can you get? Got the RAGE on your behalf, my twunt finally manned up and recognised his responsibilities, I'm hoping,
< I'm not a praying person> that will be the case for you as well.

What is it with these police officers? Give 'em some kind of responsibility and they think there're superior beings that don't have to behave in a decent, fair way. Surely their behaviour should be better than the normal law-abiding citizen? They seem a right bunch of entitled cunts to me.

Hi home', I think you'll find the thought of court< I'm a poet and didn't know it> will focus his mind somewhat, of course he's terrified, he's gonna look a right bastard ain't he? That's what mediation did for me, it shone a light on his actions and thinking and he didn't exactly come out looking like father and husband of the year material.

That made him change his proposal pretty quickly after months of the same script, you are amazing, you will be fine and he will be the one thinking what a mistake he's made.

Ali, I'm in a rush but wanted to respond to what you found in the letters.

My H tried to imply to the world that I was unable to take care of my children. This is a Victorian punishment used against wives, along with accusations of mental instability. In fact and it interesting to see that their tactics haven't changed a bit.

Even if the mother was struggling, she should be offered support.

What he fails to mention in the letter is that even if you are struggling in some way it's because you have to deal with him.

I was suffering PTSD because two months after the tsunami and nuclear meltdown in Fukushima I was sexually attacked by a medical professional. I didn't tell my H for 6 months, but when I did his reaction was very strange and he seemed to behave as though I was tainted. Needless to say, I was indeed very depressed.

I am not now, and you won't be once you are settled and established on your own.

Oh he's going to look like one of the biggest bastards ever indulging himself with every expensive luxury possible whilst his wife and child could be left to starve for all he cares and its all there in black and white. It was only a short time ago that he was angrily declaring that 50/50 is the only fair and equitable option. Now he admits its fair for me to have more than 50%, which is a minor miracle in itself.

All ... wanted to echo the support & replies to posts . I really just drop by and always read & catch up. I have said , there is lots going on & I can see daily that we all seem to experience the same highs & lows.

My head is constantly full - usually of that question " What if ? " .

At the end of the day ( the day being my divorce IYSWIM ) she will have more questions about what she has done than I have because I am stopping asking questions. In fact I am almost completely detached from her . I think I have reached the point where whatever she does next wouldn't surprise me.

There seems to be , sorry , THERE IS this denial that they have done anything wrong, I have said it previously - can anyone actually justify adultery ? Is it me or is there something wrong with me ? No there isn't you see but it just takes you ages to realise it. Then when you remember that , it helps you heal .

Izzie I am sorry that I put you through such torment in the tub . Poldark was all they had in Poundland. I feel So Lonely without you now, but Every Breath You Take I will be watching you. If you are leaving me, please Don't Stand So Close To Me because I Can't Stand Losing You. I will set sail in my hot tub to the other side of the world look out for my Message in a Bottle to you.

So here is to you Izzie because Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.

KOKO all . xxx.

Poldark in Pounland? Waitrose surely. Still its nice to hear you went to a real effort to impress our Izzie by splashing out a whole one pound

Ha ha home another one with the 'fair and equitable* script?

It's like They just hone in on that phrase at their solicitors and blank out everything else isn't it,

Well, he'll get the good news soon enough won't he, but I do understand how stressful it must be for you and your son. KOKO. Xx

I like what

you did there drifted , you is a clever cat, shame it's wasted on izzie
Seems I didn't need to put on the red light after all, and I was so close,

I love me some Poundland action me, I'm the only person that can go there and spend thirty quid!

Felt so much stronger the last 2 days and woken up today feeling like a wreck, got that overwhelming sadness again, about the future, him meeting someone new, my life as a single person, I'm so annoyed with myself I thought I was making some headway with it all, I miss him so much

My husband now has another son. Does that make me a stepmother?

How very surreal it all is. I have to work today, and compile stuff for regional TU. I feel odd. Thinking of him with her makes me want to scream but for the baby, I just feel relieved he is here and safe. How can that be? What a mindfuck to go along with all the other ones.

for you Fuckit that must be so hard to get your head around. Poor little mite with OW and your cheating ex as parents. Your ex won't be having an easy ride we all remember how tough those first months are with a new baby.

It's only natural to feel that way, frizzy honey, you're only weeks in to this situation, you had years with this man, don't beat yourself up about feeling good one day and down the next.

At least the time between feeling better and feeling sad is getting longer, you are still coming to terms with this, it's been a massive shock for you, you are trying to be there for your children as well as dealing with your own hurt, and that's a difficult thing to do.

I think that because you are a nurse as well, you are used to being the strong, capable one that people rely on when they need help, and now you are in need of some help yourself, you feel you are letting yourself down by not coping, and ' getting on ' with it quicker than you would like.

That sounds a bit odd, but do you know what I mean?
I was the same, I've always been a calm, laid back person, and friends would come to me and ask for advice if they had a problem.
So when my shit hit the fan, I couldn't understand why I couldn't take my own advice, couldn't stay calm, couldn't ' move on' and I felt as you do now.

But then WWK came along and said actually you're allowed to feel bad, youve been hit by a ten ton truck, it's not gonna improve overnight.
Give yourself a break, it will take time, it's agonising I know, and in your case there does not seem to be an OW, so his irrational actions are hard to understand. We are all here for each other, x

Pp

frizzy had to see my gynae yesterday so had to update her on my situation - her words are echoing in my head a bit today saying that I am free to do what I want ( pity that I am not sure what that is but not what I have currently...) and that at least I don't have to look at his sorry miserable face every day and plan the whole day around his moods. There is truth in that.

I know that this doesn't apply to everyone here as some people were in " happy marriages" and it all came as a bit of a shock to them. I have had - like some of you on here - several years of trying to mend everything, absorb everything and prop him up with nothing coming back in return from him except his own self centred obsession. So today I tried to think of what she said and instead of thinking - "we could be doing this and that today" I tried to think " well I am not having to do this or that to please him" and to try a different spin on it. So I stayed in bed this morning and read a book. Before I would have shot up to see what he was up to, how his mood was ( oh by the way which he doesn't have - it's just his "anger" - and that I allegedly wasn't even aware of anyway as it wasn't showing) and thinking what can I /we do to divert his mind today?

BTW my doc also recommended Vitamin D3 - 2000 a day - it helps boost your immune system and stops you ruminating. What the heck? Worth a go!

Rozalia where are you? You are quiet....

for you too Frizzy you had two strong days so that's a positive. There'll be more strong days to come but if today isn't one of them that's fine and completely understandable.

Yeah, that's a real headfuck, fuckit my love, sending you love and strength, xx

I think Hobbit got it spot on again... bunch of entitled cunts .

Frizzy...don't beat yourself up about your feelings...we've all been there and no doubt we will visit these devastating feelings again and again as we go through this horrific process.

Drifted...the 'What if's' hurt so much. Again it's because we are reasonable, rationale people and we will question, that's natural. The don't question their own behaviour because they definitely are in denial. The weasel didn't even bother to try to try to defend his adultery. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "well, I've got form". WTF! Yes he did cheat on me in 1998 (didn't find out about the OW for a while) but I didn't expect a repeat performance.
Just watched Jeremy Kyle Show...I don't watch this usually (honest) and someone said 'well he's a cheat and he will always be a cheat'. Yep, so true.

Sukara...that's truly awful and his reaction was disgraceful. You have proved that you are a strong, resourceful woman who deserves such a lot more than he was capable of ever giving.

P.S. Poldark in Poundland - definitely not...but I did see an Olly Murs look alike by the pick and mix.

Fuckit... I just feel relieved he is here and safe. How can that be? that's because you are a lovely caring person who would not have ill thoughts about a baby. It's the cruel parents that are the problem.
I think the weasel will procreate again and it is my worst nightmare so sending you lots of hugs and support. xxx

Hi everyone, literally shaking at what might happen today or tomorrow. I have a feeling he will take dd and I won't be able to do anything. I also found notes where he was calculating my income and counting all the miles he is driving dd ...you know the way I'm so out of it that I can't function either as a mother or a human being. I have realised that even if I end up on a couch in friend's house or in a refuge, it can only be a release from his mental cruelty.
The support of you all is holding me together at the minute but the real fear is still here if he tries to come to the house. Throughout this whole horrible experience I still have not lied at any point but this man who is supposed to have higher standards to reach because of his position within his job has lied through his teeth and as someone who has had to deal with the most vulnerable people at life threatening points in their lives, he uses his knowledge to EA and threaten his own wife and dd. I am battling against him and dd who I truly believe he has brainwashed.
So sorry I am on such a massive downer on the group

Ali you're not a downer. All you can do right now is follow your solicitors advice and stay in the house. It will take months for him to force you out via the proper legal route and it sounds unlikely that he would succeed. Brainwashing his DD for his own benefit will not go in his favour. As for your DD let her go if she wants she's 15 so she can come right back any time she wishes. Let her know she is welcome back at any time. If possible don't let your ex see that you care tell him thats fine because you'll be able to do some social things in the evenings next week. You should see the speed at which my DS backtracked when I suggested he could live with his dad if I he thought I was so bad. As for writing down his mileage who will care about that? He's her dad driving a lot of miles doesn't make him a saint it's what all parents have to do.

Ali...sending hugs and holding your hand.
Again I think he is so twisted he is planting things for you to find. He will know how to push your buttons after all these years.
You are functioning because you are still coming on here.

If you honestly think getting away is the best choice then look into it.

As for the fear of him coming to the house... have you thought of putting up cctv cameras (you can get cheap sets), lock the main doors from the inside (or put the key in the lock, get chains put on the doors and remember to put them on at all times, if you have side access gates put chains and padlocks on them, put up movement sensor outside lights (blind the bugger if he comes near you).

If you're afraid of meeting him out then get a personal attack alarm.

Document every time he comes to the house.

Of course you haven't lied...he is the liar and the bully. The scale of their manipulation is breath taking sometimes.

And remember you are not bringing the group down...we have all experienced huge dips and we are stronger together.

xxxx

Ali don't apologise for being a downer - it's what this group is for. However you need to read what other posters have written who have been/are going through the same shit - Whyme Home

This is a game to him - and one that he wants to win. If you report him and he loses his job, or the expectation of what he can do in the future once he is retired, you will also lose potential support for you. It might be that he knows you know his password and has left these letters for you to see, knowing how much it will upset you. And then he can get all righteous when he asks DD to delete said emails.

Really you need to be collecting info on him and not telling him what you know. As Hobbit said upthread, we are good at seeing this stuff when it happens to others, but not when it happens to us.

Make you own lists - what you do as a mother etc. And yes - start totting up income etc as he is doing.

And when you see him again....do NOT believe anything anything he says - walk away, look bored, whatever - anything to show he is not getting to you

Drifted you're funny and witty . Made me start my day off with a laugh

Anyway when he brings her back I should leave DD to her own devices for a bit. You will probably find that he has "been talking in her ear" and she will be upset by it all. She will want a break from it all. Do not bad mouth him or talk about him at all as this will wind her up. Just be calm and consistent and by doing this it will show here where the best place to be is xx

I hate this, he's just been to pick up dd, insisted on standing outside while she put her shoes on, not that i want in the house but it's his way of insinuating that he's not welcome. Me being unreasonable I suppose.

DD is tired from the sleepover and really wanted to stay at home, he'd planned a walk and she said she was too tired so they've gone, says they'll be back about 7, but no idea where they're going. If he takes her near that slut he won't have her again till a court forces me, hopefully he's got enough sense not to take her anywhere she doesn't want to go, but who knows. I'm thankful she's old enough to say. I need to sort her out with a mobile phone, she had one but it's our of charge and credit.

It's the arrogant attitude, you'd think he was the wronged party, I know it's designed to make me feel bad. I only feel guilty that I encouraged dd to go, I don't want to give him opportunity to say I'm stopping her, turning get against him etc. it probably hurts him she's not enthusiastic about going out with him but he's only got himself to blame.

Anyway the 4x4 is still in his possession he turned up in it, making another point probably but I'm not sure what or he's too embarrassed to come in the other one, dunno.

I helped a friend collect a dog this morning, one of dd's friends is leaving the country today, to leave her mother's dv situation, the dog wouldn't be safe with the man they're leaving, so it's with my friend for now and coming to stay with us while she's away at half term, I'm really trying to avoid taking it on, I've got enough to deal with now, emotionally and financially.