HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

No hope for me then Izzie I don't do make-up on a day to day basis, although I enjoy putting it on when going out

Izzie "Actually a forty something gone to seed" why are you bringing Flooz into it?

Bobs same here, I don't really bother when I go out neither! Izzie is obviously very glam.

bobs some of us need to do make up on a day to day basis. I look totally shite without it. As opposed to just shite with it!

Yep, Ali, he's a complete cunt < retires, that's all that needs to be said>

Haha I didn't say I didn't need it - just cba Obviously makes a difference as I get the odd compliment when I do bother!

I've said for a number of years that I would quite like to be a man because I could get out of bed five minutes before leaving the house, have a quick wash, look at myself in the mirror and tell myself what a handsome "geezer" I was, then go. Obviously I wouldn't be one of those new men shite types, all hair gel and shit.

Yeah, I'm with izzie, full face of slap on just to walk Jess , I'm high maintenance me,

Hobbit so nobody plays guess which one is the dog?

Izzie I look shite without it too but have no interest at all in spending ages getting ready every time I go out!

And of course you do need to look good to do justice to all your animal hats.....

Ali just pointing out the bleedin' obvious (and said it before) - just because he says it, doesn't mean it is true. This should become a mantra for you. It's manipulation to suit his own ends.

Oooooh Izzie

Bobs you sound like me except I don't get the compliments!

Izzie a man who spends ages preening himself in the mirror, yuk no thanks. With you on that one. Sid didn't even bother with aftershave as he liked to smell natural!

Izzie your dog joke - miaow!

Thank you for the lovely support but I'm worried that Dd really believes all these things she's being told
Need to sleep now as my brain is frazzled

Ha - I probably get the compliments because of the vast improvement when I do make the effort

"Hobbit so nobody plays guess which one is the dog?" - Or comments that she looks a bit "ruff"

Oh I know I'm a bitch. I'm also a child beater. That's what the OW claims so it must be true

How very dare you , you cheeky caahhs...
Jess is much cuter than me any day any how, I couldn't possibly compete

Ali try and sleep well. Am off to bed too, night everyone.

I think dogs are generally cure than their owners. But the dog we get reflects how we see ourselves. So you're very lovely, then.

I'm going to bed too and to reflect on what sort of man knowingly shags someone who makes a false allegation to social services involving his wife and son. What a prize pair of cunts they are. May they both rot in hell. Night

just what the fuck do i do now ??
ali Please don't believe these letters. He could have even planted them for you to find.

I spent thousands trying to defend myself against malicious solicitors letters and it didn't actually do any good. I was just throwing my money away. It's only words on paper, he has to prove these things if he wants to take you to court.

Each time I received one of these letters I felt like I had my heart ripped out...I screamed out at the hurtful injustice of it all. He couldn't have hurt me more if he had plunged a knife in my chest.

He said I was a danger to my girls, I was psychologically damaging them etc.
Just keep a diary/records of everything, keep texts, emails etc just in case.

Suffering from depression and post traumatic stress is not a reason to take your children away from you. I've had both and been on anti d's on and off for years. But the difference is that we know we had issues these fuckers don't. They are the twisted bastards who actually need their heads examined.

My eldest cannot see the manipulation either and I know it is so distressing but we have to hold on.

And if you want to take him down I don't think anyone would disagree here. I've had thoughts of reporting the weasel and so far I have held off but just how much do we have to take.

As Izzie has said...when I was taken to court by the weasel they got his number straight away. The CAFCASS officer said he was belligerent and when he introduced himself to the judge as blah blah blah police officer with blah blah blah (sorry can't say here but you know what I mean) the judge said 'we get all sorts in here'. It was only the diazepan that stopped me laughing.

Sending you hugs and hand holding. pm me anytime
xxxx

ALI catching up this morning and just wondering how you would even see these letters? Thinking that as whyme says he is just trying to wind you up further with these deliberately - yes he is a cunt and a desperate one at that. Hope you were able to get some sleep after that upset..?

In addition, can I say that some ladies here are FAB at their excellent summaries and comforting of everyone who posts ( still can't work out how you do it with posts spreading over pages) but agree with whoever said that there is not always a need to acknowledge everything ( what I mean is that I don't expect it) BUT what do I know as I am a late comer to the bar. The bar is my first port of call - actually seldom read much of the rest of it - and I thank everyone who has ever responded to my posts. Yes, people do feel less up to commenting positively at times and others step in to fill the breach as it were. I'm not very good at the positive reinforcement as yet but everyone has their different ways I suppose..OK I am rambling. Have decided to try to stay in bed longer in the mornings - reading this or trying to read a book. I find my concentration has just gone out of the window these past 3 months.
Hope you all have a good day x

wise I knew his password and had guessed he was up to something. I'm a bit scared what today will bring but as I said to my Dad, I'm actually so angry I've become numb and calm again. He will not force ME into doing anything stupid but I will be putting extra internal locks on my door. Apparently I'm allowed to do this ! Off to homebase later for me !!
Going to try and rest again as I think I'm going to need all my strength !
Thank you everyone, I would be lost without this bar ! Shame we weren't all on fb... Could make it a secret group too, in fact if anyone is on fb you could pm me and we could sort that ... Just an idea ?

Ali my STBXH did this. He made DS hand write a letter and also made him send an email to his solicitor saying what a terrible mother I am and how he wanted to stay with his dad. DS just wrote everything that was dictated to him. When I spoke to him he appeared to believe it as well. But the next time he saw his dad he chose to cut the visit short and came home early. His solicitor did absolutely nothing with those letters. No court will be interested in a letter that a child has been coerced into writing by one parent, they do their own independent investigations which in your case doesn't sound necessary or relevant. If the court becomes aware that one parent is trying to alienate a child against another parent they view that as a form of abuse. It is a very serious and damaging thing to do.

This is going to be very hard but try not to take it seriously. He is a bully and yes I do believe the courts and the judges and the solicitors easily recognise that because they see it so often.

My FH is very close and there are offers flying my way. Shit its stressful. As far as he's concerned I'm calm confident and ruthless very happy to go to court. He is clearly terrified of court. not surprising after what a knob he's been. I think I can get better than what he is offering. Such a crazy time. My whole future, where I live, what kind of house I live in all depends on this.