HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

izzie there's a certain pressure about being the OP, or 'caretaker of the bar'. Hobbit felt it, and Green did, and I did too, so we all know it's perfectly okay to take some time out. It sums up the bar in its own way - that it's hard to take on responsibility for the welfare of others, when we are trying to take care of ourselves (and not always finding that so easy). Not unlike parenting! But all of us can take on the responsibility (our lives prove that!), just as all of us can understand that, just sometimes, you need to take some time out.

THIS SHIT IS HARD, and we are all trying to manage it as best we can. We come here for support. This bar is great for that. And the reason I support it is because Hobbit is exactly that kind of person. Can't help but give help, but also needed some help. She's the ethos of the bar.

So, if you want, hand the baton over next thread - but without remorse or regret. This bar is great. But only because we all know this bar is valuable. You're valuable. And we can all manage responsibility. But THIS SHIT IS HARD so if you're feeling the pressure, then it's time for other posters to say...okay I'll give it a go.

'Tis all.

And it doesn't mean you can't be part of the bar...as I am proving!

1 oh wouldn't you just love to say, "actually I've been shagging this shit hot man with a body AND personality to die for. I just thought you would be pleased I now have a focus"

What your date could have done with living up to your username then?

I find this dating lark seems to be totally different now to when I was dating donkeys years ago It's all this talk saying you are free to see someone else unless you have had the "exclusive" chat!!! In my day you went out and you assumed because you were going out together it meant there wasn't anyone else on the scene.

I think I'll stick to my pets.

Thanks WWK. It's true there is a pressure on being the OP, despite what we all say about nobody should feel obliged to comment etc. if you think I should go I will. Actually, I did say I would only do one stint and then bobs could do it. The reason I did two stints is because the thread moves so fast, that it's not actually a long spell as OP. I also have another candidate lined up for after bobs. I shall leave that person to reveal themself when they are ready.

iwas I think I just made a joke of all those insensitive and twattish things he said and did over the years as that was the only way I could deal with them -made excuses for him - he was stressed, tired, worried blah blah blah.... looking back, what was I thinking of?? Love is a complicated thing - and blind (and deaf) in my case.

iwas there are sites for people like you! you prevert [ grin]

izzie

what false advertising. Yes I said that upthread.

I think it's good to take on the thread when in a reasonable frame of mind.

And yes, this thread is a lifesaver for so many of us. And it's great the way we all pull together.

WWK I haven't headed up the bar so I might be incorrect but I don't personally view anyone differently because they are the OP of the thread. I don't expect Izzie or anyone else to give more support because they started this particular thread.

I have felt very much like Izzie very recently. I think because the thread is very fast flowing now there's such a lot of posts that it feels like there is such a lot to respond to so it's quite involved. I feel a little bit awkward just responding to some of the bits that resonate with me or are closer to my own experience or even comments that make me smile because you want to support everyone. But sometimes your own circumstances mean you are not in that frame of mind even if you are further down the line because it's such a long process to even contemplate being happy again.

The great thing is that because there are lots of people posting on here now that someone will always respond so hopefully everyone is still getting much needed support because you are all such a lovely group of women and Drifted

Evening all ... As someone posted "THIS SHIT IS HARD " ... Nights are just awful, too much thinking about things and not enough to be doing !

Izzie - I make my observations without any criticism of how you've run the bar. I'm thinking you are doing a marvellous job of it as it goes.

It's just that THIS SHIT IS HARD, and so if you're not feeling 'up there' and 'on par' then it's perfectly okay to say 'time out' too.

That's what Hobbit asked us to understand. And that's what I did too. You took up the baton from me. But it doesn't exempt you from having your own 'dips' too.

THIS SHIT IS HARD.

WWK I know you're not criticising me

PS is it cos you don't like izzietinis??

1 I think it's perfectly normal to make excuses for them. I used to, didn't think I was making excuses for him at the time but looking back I clearly was.

Sid's use of the telephone developed into functional over the years, to me at any rate. He'd ring to ask me something and if I rang him he'd want me off the phone as soon as I'd said whatever it was I rang him for. That extended to ending the phone call when I was still talking or by talking over me with yeah yeah yeah yeah really quickly until I stopped talking.

I told myself that he was really busy or in the middle of something but really he was just being rude and inconsiderate. He could have just said I'm really busy I've got to go not hung up on me.

What sorry you didn't have a spark with him. But hopefully you had a few smiles along the way with your texting so some positives out of it.

Izzie I think you're the prevert!! Cheeky cow! I'll set Sid on you

iwas at least somebody wants me even if it is a dirty git who takes anything going

Bambino sorry about your situation. I know some people on here find the mornings harder but evenings are harder for me. Especially just before you go to bed, hence why I was frequently on here until the early hours because it was better than lying in the dark in silence with nothing but your thoughts for company. Even though I was still thinking the same things when I was on here, by posting you have a focus for a little bit and you don't feel so alone.

Izzie you are doing a great job with the thread and if you do feel more pressure as OP then please don't. I am happy to take the mick out of you regardless of whether you started the thread or not.

Izzie I think you meant dirty, old, short git with a bad haircut who's an entitled, arrogant, cocky, lying cheat who'll take anything going even someone who was shagging someone else throughout their affair

I wasn't going to put this on but I'm so beyond stressed that I'm beginning to shut down again.
I have just found letters from my h to his solicitor that he didn't send to mine yet. I don't know why but I am in shock. He has written a full page essay on why I shouldn't remain in my home or have custody of dd. apparently I am so physically and psychologically ill ( and have an apparent history of same) and drugged up that I cannot even manage to get my own dd up in the mornings. Also I am completely unfit to look after her and he has been caring for her on his own for some time now and that's why I should vacate my house. Not that he is in serious debt and cannot afford anywhere else. I had a fucking brain tumour and am living with the remains of this on my carotid artery, on top of having some physical disabilities caused by the tumour. Yes I suffered from depression and post traumatic stress disorder from a serious car accident but this man was always happy enough to leave school in my care until he walked out of the house ! He has actually suggested to our dd that she write a letter to his solicitor pointing out that she wants to live with him and just for fun, told the solicitor that I stood and verbally attacked my dd swearing at her about his "vile and disgusting behaviour " I don't even use the word vile !! Please, someone tell me that judges see through this shit ?! I phoned him and asked him why, if I was so unstable that he would be able to leave his dd while he fucked off to Canada, also that if he considered using that same letter I would fucking bury him at work and 1. tell them of his debt ( disciplinary offence ) 2. Make the statement about the night he threatened me and 3. Inform every high profile case independent reviewers about a the secrets he has told me. If he wants to take me down I am damned sure he will be going with me... Out of a job and no fucking reference worth pissing on .
Even now he is out on the piss with his precious work mates. Wonder how long they'll stand by him when the shit hits the fan!!! My poor dd is adamant that her father dies not manipulate her in any way ??? Wtf !
Here sweetheart. Write a wee letter there saying his much you want to live with me but make sure you say you want to stay in Your own bedroom ! I didn't think it was possible for one human being who supposedly loved me so much, to be able to stick the knife in quite so hard. He has been offering to take dd to school purposely so that he could turn around then use it against me saying I'm an unfit parent .... Words just fail me and I swear to God that if he has another woman she's going to need all the money she has to keep him because when I'm done he will be worth fucking nothing. He is the most disgusting, shameful, Lying manipulative, selfish, jumped up evil bastard that ever walked this earth !
Has anyone ever come across this before and do judges actually ever believe them ?
He's so twisted he phoned dd to get her to go delete all his emails so I didn't get copies... Too late wanker, copies taken. I wonder if he's given a second thought to my threat of ruining his precious career ?!
Sorry for the mega rant but had to contend with dd erasing his emails and being more angry that I reac them than the shit her father put in them .... just what the fuck do i do now ??

I agree that there is probably a certain amount of responsibility when heading up a thread but I tend to think like iwas in that it's Hobbit's thread but run by all of us.

Although I agreed to do the one after Izzie I was quite happy for her to do 2 threads as the first one moved so fast, and also it wasn't a good time for me when she started this one. Also 9 is one of my favourite numbers and when it's due to start should be a good time for me...so bring it on.

There's loads we could comment on here but by the time we get round to doing so the thread has moved on (loved the pics Wise btw, especially the 2nd one!)

Hello everyone, welcome back izzbob, I missed ya, you little Rottweiler you,
It does get a bit overwhelming sometimes being the caretaker as wwk says, it did to me, you feel responsible for other posters feelings and identify so much with what they are going through, especially as their distress is palpable on occasion.

But I would just take a day or two out, and then miss everyone, and want to come back to see how everyone was, and I would miss the craic and the fun we have. wise you are the queen of the great quote!

Sorry that the date didn't turn out to be the shag fest you hoped, what my love, can you sue him under the Trades descriptions act ?

For false face representation?
Maybe it was for the best, I think your feelings are still a bit raw, but then I'm an old gimmer, who's lost the plot date wise.

ali he can say what he wants! we all can. But that doesn't mean people will believe us. You know he's a liar and a bully, you know he's done all that psychological torture stuff. Remember, why's ex in court. They saw straight through him. I reckon that as soon as someone questions anything he says, he will reveal his true colours. A,so there is no evidence whatsoever that you are a bad mother. And even if you were, well, hers sat back all those years and done nothing, so what does that make him? Seriously, Ali, in reckon all of this will backfire on him. It's difficult for you to see it as you are the victim, but the rest of us can see straight through him and take his threats with a vat of salt. As for reading them, well as awful as that was, you are prewarned about his game plan, and have time to prove every assertion of his is utter shite. The same as him. Hold on in there

Actually a forty something gone to seed would maybe be a good catch for us 50 something's

For false face representation

Omg imagine them seeing us first thing in the morning, make up left on all night. Alternatively take it off and forget the shag. Maybe this is where a one night stand could be useful. Do the deed and get out before morning!

Ali I am sure that here are those on here who have been through similar. So you now know all the shit he is going to spout you about you, which means you will be well equipped to defend yourself. Eg who actually does all the school stuff - parents evenings, knows the teachers, is first point of contact etc between the two of you?

I would say you are building up a good case for decent spousal support for the foreseeable Re DD, well she might not see it at the moment as he will be painting a pretty crap picture of life with you vs. life with him. however things will become clearer as time goes on.KOKO xx

Ali oh sweetheart he really is a nasty piece of work isn't he. You are a great mum, it comes over loud and clear in all your posts. You are looking after your daughter and have been very capable in doing so. Your ex is writing self serving lies and manipulating your DD in the process.

Did you not spend hours with your daughter very recently trying to get her to sleep one night. That is not the actions of someone unfit to look after her but those of a loving, caring mum.

WWK's judge saw through her ex's lies and so will those involved in your situation. Good that you have copies, keep a record of all the nasty, manipulative things that he does. If you think it will help you keep a record of all the supportive mum things you do.

It is not your ex's decision what happens, he doesn't get to control all of this. When do you see your solicitor next?