HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Of course you could argue that if this pension was paid up before marriage that it is non matrimonial, but then he could argue the same with his!

Bobs I will chase them, but honestly it'll be worth about £100 a year when it matures, it was my first permanent job out of university and I only paid into the pension for a short time. I asked for it so he doesn't have an opportunity to say I'm hiding anything.

You're right braving. Need others to believe it will be ok. It worries me when my parents seem worried - they are naturally very 'unworried' people.

I'm on my own at the moment. Father of the year has rocked up and whisked them off for a pizza. They all wanted me to go - said I was too tired which is in fact true. Having a cry now. God knows why. It's literally like grief this marriage breakdown stuff. Hits in waves.

Well now I'm really miserable - just had a text from a friend in the same pizza restaurant as them, asking why I'm not with my 'lovely family'. What am I supposed to say......Because the tosser who's with them doesn't think his family is lovely enough to actually stay with them.... This shit really is so hard. Need to pull myself together or 'get a grip' which HRT memorably said to me when I was in labour with dd. Funny how some things they say stick with you for years.

1 I seem to be permanently tired, I think it's because my brain is constantly on the go mulling thngs over, this period where I've decided what I want to do but can't act yet is difficult I keep going over things. It makes concentrating at work really hard. Especially while he's up to his fuckwittery (sp?) changing cars and caravans without even acknowledging it.

He was embarrassed by his second hand Citroen this morning though, which I will manage to smile about eventually. Thankfully it doesn't change the deal I'm planning to offer, and if he drags things out it'll make him look an arrogant twat for messing with assets before agreeing a settlement.

1 I'd have ripped H a new one for that comment during labour, the twat.

What Shame, but good practice, and you're getting out there. I joined a site, I'm getting lots of likes and messages no one floats my boat, but as your chap proves you really do need to see them in the flesh. There's one I might meet for practice :) DD is away with school for a few nights quite soon so a bit of freedom for me.

What are you fraternising with MrSW?

You traitor you!

Actually, I take that back. He is a disappointment, isn't he!

1. You don't 'need to get a grip', it's perfectly okay to mourn the marriage (and not necessarily mourn the man) as a very wise MNetter pointed out to me. I didn't realise what she meant at the time, but I do now - and understanding that distinction is really helpful to me.

I do mourn my life as I knew it. I fucking hate the dirty bullying shit wanker bastard though.

See?

Also, please don't underestimate how hard it is to be 'keeping up appearances' - keeping secrets is hard. I understand why you are not telling people right now, I really do, but please don't imagine for one minute that it's easy. It's just 'tough choices' aka divorce.

Thanks wwk I think I'm just over tired too. A busy time of year at work. What's happening on the job front with you? Hope we'll all get to read your book someday

They've just got back and all happy - which I am pleased about but it still hurts....last Friday was the prom and DS2 wanted him here but of course he was no where to be found..... Funny how he thinks it's ok to opt in and out of parenting responsibilities as it suits. Always had done really. Older 2 off again tomorrow or Sunday. I'll miss them, but not the stress of the three of them revising in the same house! It's also quite stressful living this double life with the older two as they are more perceptive and I'm close to them both - they're not fools. I always hoped that as the stresses and strains of family/work life balance lessened, then we'd 'find each other' again and he'd become more like the person I married again. Like for many of us I suspect, the 'loss' is complicated. I won't miss the man he has become - just the man he once was and what I hoped he'd become again. Illusions (or delusions) I guess but I lived in hope and now the hope has gone.

I have sent an email to a local friend to say that things aren't good at the moment and so myself and H aren't socialising. She was kind and asked me to go round if I needed to for a chat but I'm not going to - unless I have a melt down! Our Hs are friends and so it's all so tricky.

This thread has been my sanity. Thank you all xx

1 get a grip during labour??? I would like to get a grip...of his testicles, and rip them off. And say "now you know what labour is like, you arsehole". That comment of his must be THE most twunty thing ever said by a male.

And yes, you are under intolerable strain because of the secret keeping, which I fully understand and agree with. But it's still a massive strain.

all thank you for your support. I fully acknowledge that a number of you are living an absolute nightmare. I know we shouldn't compare, but of course we do. Well, I do. My point being, I'm sorry I felt unable to deal with and encourage some of you. Please be assured that even if I don't reply, I still read the posts and think of you. Sometimes I just can't find the words to express. The good thing about this thread, though, is that there is always someone able to give support when others are unable to, for whatever reason.

what any more updates? Why do people put up photos clearly when they were so much younger? I mean, it's ok if you're never going to meet the people, but on a dating site, surely you would want to avoid that embarrassment when meeting up? I had another look at Telegraph dating site. I wouldn't consider dating for a while. However, I thought it would be good practice to look at a few and try to spot the red flags, the possibilities etc.

I have another project now. The bloody garden. We were talking about more hard planting last year, one of the reasons being there is too much grass to cut. So having cut the grass tonight again, I though fuck this for a joke, I'm going to get it sorted this year. I'm not effectively doing housework in The garden all season looking after the twunt's investment, oh no! Gravel and stuff, here I come. Except it will have to be done to suit my capabilities and time available to do it. So we can forget the sweeping curves, as per now, it's all going to be straight lines. He will hate it. Tough shit. One of his twunty expressions when he buggered off was that the decorating will give me "a focus". Fucking cheek! So therefore, as I enjoy a spot of gardening, I shall finish what we planned, to give me even more focus. And to then focus on sitting out in it!!i feel it is my duty not to bother him with household stuff. Therefore he can have a surprise when he calls round. Which hopefully won't be sometime soon.

"I seem to be permanently tired, I think it's because my brain is constantly on the go mulling things over"

Like you braving I actually cannot believe that my brain is still in one piece due to the CONSTANT agitation going on it - not voluntary ! How many times in a day does it come into your mind again " the situation" ? It is almost like you forget for just a few minutes and then it all comes back - must be hundreds of times in a day.....

I saw last night, things I would want from a man. My list

1. A sense of humour. A good sense of humour
2. Enthusiasm and interest in what I'm doing or saying
3. No kids unless adult
4. Only uses computer for essential stuff
5. Life not governed by work
6. A decent pair of legs to fill shorts
7. No facial hair
8. Doesn't want to see me all the time
9. A gentleman but not a ladies man

10. Erm, someone I would actually want to shag without wanting to throw up. So mingers, grandads, fantasy young men need not apply.

what there are plenty of decent men out there. Tonight wasn't your night. Think of it as a practice run.

I have read some shite on here as spoken by these tossers!!

One of his twunty expressions when he buggered off was that the decorating will give me "a focus" what????????

Yes what a practice run shame you didn't at least get a shag out of it...or did you?

I think the thing about dating after separation is that it can either boost self esteem or just make you feel worse. I think in my case it would make me feel worse. This I feel from an experience when I was much younger. But then again, look at Green, she's happy with her new man

izzie good to hear you sounding feisty again

HRT has never really 'been there' for me at times of greatest need -
labour x 3 included. I'm truly better off without him - as we will all be eventually - you too what. Sorry to hear it wasn't a good experience tonight. I'm sure it's not what your future holds by the way. I know quite a few people who eventually found their partners on line. A case of sorting the wheat from the chaff I guess. Hang on in there.

wise

When you're living in a fucked up world, it's nice to have someone reassure you that it's not me that's lost the plot!

The friend I saw on Wednesday, I reminded her of when she was literally shouting with rage down the phone at me over something he said. She was saying it's absolute nonsense. I told her on Wednesday, I had plenty more of that type of stuff to get her blood pressure boiling.

I guess the lesson for us all here with online dating os always ask then their pic was taken

"What" did you make your excuses and leave early?

What was his personality like?

Izzie pleased you are okay, you've had a lot going on the last few weeks with anniversaries and Birthdays so not surprising you've had a bit of a dip.

1 that "get a grip" comment, words fail me. As you have just said think you are better off without him.

What sorry you're night hasn't gone according to plan. I think you're very brave even going on a date, sorry it's stirred things up a bit for you too.

Bobs as there's been talk about other threads I saw you had been reading that fungus/creature one. Laughed quite a bit with that one at some of the "if OP doesn't update soon we know she's been eaten" comments.

wise - great posters there

izzie
Decorating will you give you 'focus'. It's the kind of thing HRT would say. H asked if I'd thought about playing the piano again, as it would probably 'be good for me' and help 'take my mind off things'. Idiot.