HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
...........................................................................................................

This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

Hi Bambino and welcome. He is the one feeling guilty and he will show that by blaming you and detaching (and crying) It's his way of coping with it. You . Whatever he is saying now, he might not have necessarily been unhappy with you - it's just that he met someone else and his marriage vows went out the window.

You should not feel guilty at all. He is the one that left, not you

Bambino He couldn't tell you he was unhappy because he wasn't that's just what they all say as some sort of retrospective justification for having an affair it's total bull shit. They're just spineless.

H put me through hell, refused to admit he was having an affair even when i asked him straight, more than one, he didn't want to be the bad guy, he wanted me to get fed up of his behaviour, start arguments, maybe look to someone else for comfort, anything but admit he's a liar and a cheat. Apparently there was no good time to tell me!

There was an announcement by text this morning that he's coming to pick up the dog and dd needs to be ready in the morning for 10am. I responded to say she's at a sleepover tonight and won't be home till 10:30, I'm not changing her plans now. I'm working from home this morning to check he's not taking anything he shouldn't be when he picks up the dog. Thought he'd be here by now, typical.

He's just been. Driving a 5 year old Citroen estate, with the dog crate in the back.

I didn't ask if it's the replacement for his fancy car (which I didn't think he'd be able to afford to keep) in case it's her car. I'm assuming it's a replacement for the fancy car, as it's the sort of thing he likes, we had an earlier model a few years ago.

I saw what I thought was his fancy car in a supermarket car park yesterday and assumed she was being allowed to drive it, but maybe it was with it's new owner - good job I didn't even care enough to wait around to see who was driving it :)

I'm assuming the 4x4 has been sold otherwise he's have picked the dog up in that, although he's only got the spare key from me today, he wasn't expecting me to be home so it's not him flaunting her car.

Another asset (or two) disposed off without discussion.

Dunno if any of you read the Daily Wail but there's an article there by a man who had a mid-life crisis, left his wife....went on a sex rampage...

...and regrets it.

and now he would say to others...

"If you think you can save your marriage, then do. Don't just throw it away"

Well, now he knows!

Thank you all.
It is just hard but I guess you all know that having been here! She worked for him, I knew her she regularly saw my children but still continued this tryst - I had to leave my home because it was provided with his work - and start again from scratch and it feels like on paper I've done so well, I've my job, a new house and the children are settling but my heart hurts and I guess mostly I don't understand how leaving a family doesn't have a bigger impact on these men !?

what You go girl

Just checked wikivorce - the price quoted is solicitor's fees. Court costs are extra!!!

Bambino on paper you have done amazingly well. Regards impact, no I don't know either how it can't occur to them the damage and devastation left behind. I always assume that the regret and guilt comes later, and by then we have rebuilt our lives that we don't give a shit.

Good luck at solicitor's what and don't worry about crying your heart out I am sure you are not the first....nor the last.

I didn't use wikivorce but when MrSW first petitioned it cost him 500 but I don't know if that included court costs. I would guess the fees are on top.

Had to laugh at you lot over on that other woman's thread-- the one where the married man still hasn't divorced his wife..
Anyway..

I'm excited to start my new job on Monday. I've checked out the benefits and I will be better off as a single parent working than not working. I still get full child tax credit, I lose some housing benefit but get extra working tax credits will balance that out, so phew..

Still in a bit of trouble with childcare costs until the first wage packet comes in but hopefully (fingers crossed) my brother will manage. I am going to pay him (albeit less than a childminder) and provide transport costs, and leave out his dinner for him so with all of that I'm sure he will a) turn up b) do the job for a few weeks. I am very lucky he has offered to do it otherwise I would have been fucked.

The children and I are still sleeping on mattresses but I've got my fridge now so no more cold water tub out in the garden. Decorating is still half done, but looking v.nice.
Aupair sent me a lovely e-mail last night about her final exams and how excited she is to come to England.

It's funny in this are that I've moved to all the men call you "love". Neighbours, shopkeepers, delivery men. Dunno why it struck me as interesting. Friendly, I suppose. Un-Japanese. I didn't grow up in this area.

Oh, and I'm worried about getting too tired by working full time and getting up with the children for the school run. I went to the chemist looking for some vitamin and iron tonic. The pharmacist lady told me that they shouldn't be relied on and iron can cause digestion problems so I should just eat well and go to bed when the kids do. Sound advice, but I get in from work at 8:45. They will stay awake for me no doubt but hopefully we will all be in bed before nine.

But don't worry about the aupair, guys. I've worked out that with my first paycheck and his child maintenance (if it turns up) I'll be able to kit out the house quite nicely. It was just the 3 months of not being able to claim any benefits at all that has thrown me completely. So it will be a nice home by the time she gets here.

Not coping today, knew the numbness would give way to an avalanche of unwanted emotions of feeling rejected.

That thread is the gift that keeps on giving Sakura she's just posted about our bitterness (ha!) and the fact that the wife looks like a granny. Charming!

Anyway, I suggest we should continue being our 'argumentative bitter selves' here!

You sound like a woman on a serious mission and glad to read that you're taking care of yourself. It'll be a bumpy few months no doubt, but you're really focused on making the most of everything. I'm so impressed with your attitude.

Izzie where are you? I'm missing your zany self.

Ali - those feelings ebb and flow, and they are so hard to contain. I know I'm just coming out of a real downer so enjoying the upswing again this weekend. Firstly, cry your heart out and don't be ashamed about it. How you're feeling right now is not the rest of your life, but you do need time to feel sad about what you're going through and what you've been through. It's hell but it does end. Take care.

I'm sorry to have to admit that he's really annoyed me changing his car, so bloody arrogant. I should be gloating at his come down and him having to part with his pride and joy but I can only manage annoyed. I hope the pension stuff comes soon.

Ali3333, it will get better once you have extricated yourself from him. There are a lot of feelings to be dealt with: we were offered false promises during our wedding. I also feel I have to embrace the bohemian single mother lifestyle because, honestly, I just can't quite believe I am a single mother. It was not in my script. It wasn't supposed to happen. I'm sure that's the case for every single mother out there, but still.

Thanks for the words of encouragement, WWK.

That thread the ex-wives are so funny on there, they're making me laugh.

Izzie where are you? I'm missing your zany self

Me too, WWK and others who've PMd. Well I got out of the hot tub at Llandudno as bloody Drifted insisted I watched repeats of Poldark! He doesn't know how to treat a woman at all, does he, cos Poldark does nowt for me.

I've been a bit busy and a bit urgh and a bit angry, and there was so much going on the thread and I didn't feel equipped or in the right frame of mind to give any constructive advice really. I'm bloody miffed that after 6 months I've hit a dip, as I had that in mind for recovery and Meh meh meh and me me me, impatient cah that I am. I did have a laugh about the hot tub comments though, but too knackered to reply, and in fact overslept today.

Will post some of my stuff later this evening. I've got to cut the grass now. Shit.

I did have a look at that OW thread about the man still maintaining the wife after three years. Regulars will know that the ex and I still run joint finances as before and I'm still an authorised user on his credit card, whilst he cocklodges with nutty drawers, the self financing weirdo. I saw a friend on Wednesday, and she said she would be well pissed off at that situation if she were the weirdo. Good! And it's worth noting here that he refused to enter into negotiations for a financial settlement when I asked him at the end of the year. As long as he has enough money to do as he wants, he seems happy with that. And also it should be noted that when he left, I had a bit of a meltdown in the early days and told him that I wanted to move out, and he could move back in, as I felt I was not in the right frame of mind to deal with our sons. He told me that it was a non starter as "we can't afford for you to rent somewhere".

Catch you all later. If anyone wants Poldark DVDs, please contact Drifted, who clearly does NOT impress me any longer.......PS he looks like a prune from all that time in the hot tub, just saying!

Nice to see you again Izzie It's good to get a break from posting on here every so often - anyway you were otherwise occupied

I'm guessing Drifted's at Hobbit's now

Izzie I think getting dips at six months is perfectly normal - and you've just had an anniversary, so it figures. But you're making huge strides and imagine how fabulous you're going to be in six months' time. Sometimes you need to take a step back before you get going again. So stop being so bloody hard on yourself

That thread has got me right wound up!! I loved seeing some of us on it too Sakura.

Izzie glad to see you back. Don't beat yourself up about having a low. Remember it isn't just a straight line, there will be times where is goes... Wonky. That wasn't a good analogy was it but you know what I mean! I'm a year on and still have moments when I think I can't go on or that I've not improved at all in that time. It's not true though, things that happen now may take me a day or two to deal whereas before I would have been floored for at least a week. Maybe you can identify with that?

Welcome Bambino. You have done amazingly well to get all of that sorted, you should be proud of yourself. It will take time for your heart to catch up though, especially when you were probably distracted making all those changes to your life. The time that is hard is when there is no drama because you're just left with the reality of what is left behind. It is in those moments that you must take care and accept any support you can. And it is all on him - none of this was your doing.

Off to cut the grass now too.

izzie glad you're 'alright'.

Welcome Bambino - you will find great support on here at just the right times.

sakura you've done amazingly well to date. I might have a look at the OW thread!!

The feelings of being ok and then suddenly not being ok are quite hard. The sadness and worry is always just under the surface I find and it doesn't take much for it to resurface. I had a cry driving home tonight just because it was Friday. I used to love Friday evenings so much. The weekend ahead and time with the family. Now it's probably the worst evening of the week for me. I'm also so tired all the time that minor everyday issues seem to be so much more stressful to deal with.

Anyway, the situation is what it is. My mum and dad have been so supportive so far but they seem to be worrying about my future more than me at the moment. They're making me
anxious - I feel that I've been reassuring them this week, not them me. They're concerned that H is going to leave me 'high and dry' and I will just let him..... I hate that they are so worried and it's all his doing. Both sets of parents have been so supportive of us over the years - he's doing this to them as well as me and kids.

Anyway I hope there are some fun things planned for some this weekend?

what Good luck. It's reassuring to get the same legal advice, moving in with someone definitely seems to mean they shoot themselves in the foot financially.

I'm on my own tonight, dd is at a sleepover party and he's got the dog. I'm having a bath and settling in front of the telly with a piece of birthday cake, my reward for helping with party earlier.

I got an email earlier to say I should get a CETV for one of my old pensions from an old employer by the end of the month, no word from the other one or from my current pension. I have some information that proves my other small one is worth virtually nothing so hopefully we can discount that one.

what glad the sol meeting went well and hope you have a great evening

Braving even if small you should still get the CETV of the old pension. My ex tried to argue that his old pension was small. A year later when he finally got his finger out we discovered it wasn't (small!). so for clarity's sake.... get it done

1nogoingback3 I get what you're saying about others worrying for you, my mother and mother in law talk as if I'm going to be destitute when in fact I'll be OK, comfortable enough if I budget and plan which I do anyway.

MIL in particular seems to think I need looking after, offering to go on holiday with me and dd, as if I can't manage it on my own.

They mean well, but I need positive reinforcement not negativity and worrying, luckily I have good friends who tell me I'm strong and getting stronger and build me back up.

In reality I've carried him for the last 25 year in terms of sorting finances, booking holidays, arranging work to be done in the house etc.