HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

I'm planning to remind H, that if we can't agree a settlement between us, he's going to be running us both up some big legal bills and court costs and I'll be applying for him to pay them. I'll offer him a reasonable settlement once I've seen the pension information, which will stand in my favour hopefully if he refuses and drags me into court.

I honestly don't think he'll take me on in a legal fight, but you never know, he may be that stupid.

Luckily H's slut is only just a bit younger than me and has 2 already, I can't see him agreeing to have any more, he's crapping himself about finances already, he'll want her earning not sitting around on mat leave. He may not get a choice in the matter, but when you shack up with an adulterer who thinks it's acceptable to shag married men, you can't expect much in the morals department.

Ha ha , braving with the scratch and sniff twattery, you is funny,

Where's izzie tonight? Has she escaped to Rhyl again with drifted?

hobbit The sense of humour is coming back :)

YEY, go you braving my love, don't let the bastard grind you down,
Scratchy, sniffy, dumb, she's won herself a right prize there hasn't she?

Scratch and sniff oh Braving...
Designer clothes and fancy car...meet his mate the weasel in his brown leather lace up shoes that he wouldn't have been seen dead in before (always a boot man!)

green...yes they are all the same person. The Form E malarky. I believe his will start 'Once upon a time'. They lie continually...I shouldn't be shocked but Iam. They try to destroy you both emotionally and financially...but the question is why? Why do they want to do this to the mother of their children? Why? Why? Why? This question will eventually drive you mad.

wwk...Mr SW's form E. The stuff of legend. He was truly deluded.

My things to look for in a man (not that I will be looking for a long time)...

1. Not a policeman
2. Doesn't drive a white Audi
3. Tall
4. Has hair (on head)
5. Doesn't slag off ex (i.e she was mad, stopped him seeing the children, took all his money, blah, blah,blah)

green... To think I once loved this specimen - actually this is wrong I didn't love the real him it was the fake I loved - because the real person who has shown his true colours is someone I despise more than I can say ...this is so true. I recognise the weasels skin but not who's in it.

Mine's emergency services (not police) so I'm ruling them all out, in fact I'm tempted to say no shift workers at all.

all evening from Llandudno. Tired of Rhyl so hot tub is touring Wales. Coming soon to Cardiff via " arse end of nowhere " ?

Hope everyone is good, I think as the journey continues, the bounce up from a blip is better.

Anyway that does not detract from the s*t we are all facing at different stages of the steeplechase called divorce. Hurdle after fking hurdle of obstacles by those No6 ( cts for the less experienced ) & I like the fact that they suffer from issues now - yeah like when we suffered too when you f*ked off.

That was a ranting broadcast on behalf of Izzie who is currently engaged in my hot tub. Sipping those hideous Izzietini drinks whilst watching Poldark repeats .

I know how to treat a woman . So one at a time .

KOKO xxx.

Llandudno, eh drifted gone up in the world, ain't ya?
Must be Izzie's influence, classy bird her, < apart from her drinks choice>

You can call in on me on the way back home, mines the house with the red light on outside,

Or shaved walnut whips!

Fully Functioning would be a nice change.

Hello all, caught up with most posts. what I'm so impressed with the date and flirty texts. I want to know what site you used! I've signed up to one, but don't have a photo up yet, and I'm still too cut up emotionally so a bad idea.

1 I was struck by your post that yours had "no options". I had exactly that as well, didn't want to come back, but didn't want the life he was choosing. How about grow some and face up to your own inadequacies which allowed our marriage to get to where it did and see if we could work through them, but no easier to be entitled and run for it.

oldwiseone no OW in my case either, but he still wasn't the man I thought he was.

I'm still sad and it's so hard day to day. Saw him this morning and told him he'd taken everything from me, all my happy memories of our time together are too painful, and my future looks bleak as everything I had planned and hoped for and thought I would have has been ruined. Its hard to know how to keep going, I have often wished I didn't have to keep dealing with the pain, but then I think of my DCs.

Well, what does he want cassa my love?
A good, hard, kick up the arse in my opinion, and I'm always right,

Sorry you're having a tough day, it's a nightmare roller coaster ride this divorce shit, one day you're up, the next day feels like the last circle of hell, sometimes both sets of emotions in one day.

I've felt a bit like that this week, the realisation that my marriage will be ending soon, after such a long time together, is a bit of a headfuck tbh, and I've shed some tears, it's quite scary as well, to be responsible for everything.

Ah braving fully functioning
At least we don't have to worry about getting it up eh?

Just have to lie there and look inviting,
Well, hopeful, and keen as mustard, < in my case>

If you're going through Hell, keep going...

Easier to say than do.

Thinking of you all. Night night xx

Yup I echo Fully Functioning!
Just really want someone who will cherish me and care for me...but still let me have my independence (ie not controlling)

Just watched CH 4 program on Tinder - eeeuuuuwww! Best bit was when someone texted "I'd like to paint you green and spank you like a disobedient avocado" no thank you very much - cruelty to avocados and I like them

Hobbit fear not Drifted will be there soon

Tee HEE , bobs I'll leave the light on then.....

Oh no, braving he's not a fireman I hope,
Got a bit of a thing for firemen, personally, all that rescuing shit, I once saw a totally gorgeous one in his turnout gear, with a bare chest under his jacket, , that was about twenty years ago, and I can still picture him now sad cow

Things I will look for in a man

1 no moobs
2 not have his tackle blocked from view by his beer gut
3 honest. Now that would be a luxury that might mean I'd actually be able to sleep instead of worrying about everything the manipulative deceitful bastard has done to try to keep all our assets for himself.

morning ladies & drifted - you have made me laugh this morning with your post - sense of humour coming through loud & clear - how far does the hot tub travel as I am no where near wales- think there will be a queue forming after your *I know how to treat a woman" comment.

I am starting the birthday celebrations today and looking forward to my trip down memory lane tomorrow.

good day everyone XX

Just here for a little bit of handholding.
4 months on from being left out of the blue for OW, I'm still struggling to understand how a man just leaves a family with no looking back.
It's been hard and I'm full of guilt that he left the children because of me, that he couldn't tell me he was so unhappy and that he took comfort in the OW - I family to him isn't worth fighting for or wasn't, perhaps now he is crying every time he drops the kids off he is beginning to see what he has done or maybe the smell of his bull shit is finally getting to him!!

hello Bambino - glad you have joined us but sorry about the circumstances- you will get lots of handholding here.

we have all been where you are now. First thing you need to hear - is its not you - he left the children because of him -all of it is him.

may i suggest you read some of the old threads - you will find us going through all this questioning - some still are - but like most of us I think you will have to come to terms with getting no answers from him- this must be some sort of self protection for them - the longer they remain in denial about their behaviour the longer they dont have to face up to it - one day it will all catch up with them.

Feel free to let out whatever you need to - this is what this thread is all about

big hugs xx

Hello Bambino the period around four - six months after is a real low period because nothing makes any sense and all you do is struggle with the loss, the waste and the dread of the future. The shock has gone and the reality is stark.

So how you're feeling is perfectly normal. None of us know how they can just run away without so much as a backward glance, and you can send yourself doollally trying to reason the unreasonable. The simple reason is because he's a cunt.

So you have nothing to feel guilty about there - it was his choice and his actions. He didn't give you the choice or ask your opinion. And if he was having an affair, I bet he put you through the mill before he left just to make sure he could skip of 'guilt free'. So your esteem is through the floor and every day is long and hard. However, the fact that you're still managing to look after your family and keep them okay says a huge amount about you.