HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on ...part 8

[Izzie595]

Nobody understands the fully devastating impact of the ending of a marriage unless and until they experience it themselves

Welcome to Hobbit's Bar. Thread number 8.

The previous thread has been filled in less than a fortnight. Therefore, I've included below the post I did for Thread number 7. Links to all the threads in this series are below.
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This is the place where we meet to let it all out, to share experiences, to get support, and maybe give support if and when we feel able. And also to sometimes have a good laugh about things, because Hell, we've earned the right to laugh!

The bar is owned by Hobbit. She is adorable, kind, and bonkers. And lazy. So we take turns in running the bar for her ladyship.

I'm the latest proprietor of the bar. Izzie Age 54. Married 30 years. Two young adult sons living with me. Husband left to live with OW on Halloween last year. Very appropriate! No moves towards divorce or financial settlement at present. I started posting my own stuff on MN at the start of the year. Best thing I ever did. Well, I've had better successes in life, but you get my point, yes? I've been through the whole range of emotions, backwards, forwards, round and round: It's not a linear process by any means. And it does seem common to have a huge crash at 4 to 6 months in. Today I'm meh. Mostly.

There are a range of experiences in the Bar, generally at any one time. Examples: the early stages of separation; negotiating; legal matters; abuse in all forms; feeling stronger; having a major crash again; dealing with fuckwittery from the exes; financial worries; issues involving both young and adult children; moving towards the Mecca that is "meh". Basically, the whole works. Believe me, whatever you are currently experiencing, you are not alone.

My advice to any newbies: just jump in, but if you have the time and inclination, try reading all of the threads. You will see real women experiencing their bleakest moments, their progress, their dips, their innermost thoughts.

Rules of The Bar

1. Don't ask to join just come in
2. The phrase Party Pooper is banned. We may be having a good old giggle sometimes but someone in need must interrupt whatever is going on. We can't all be in sync, but someone in need ALWAYS takes priority
3. You are not obliged to give advice, reply to any posts, there are no expectations of you. Take what you want from the thread.

And just to ease you in, here are a few things you may wish to know:

1. An Izzietini is the bar drink.
2. A number 6 refers to rule number 6 in Hobbit's Twunts list. Reasons why they do things. Because they are....... Erm, no, the answer is not "misguided"
3. Mother, WellWhoKnew or WWK. Recently divorced, previous proprietor of the Bar and a legend of MN to those who followed her own threads. Also a legend on here for her straightforward advice. And keeps us in order.
4. Some of the posters also have their own threads. I hope they will do a link for you
5. There's a bad case of exclamationitis on here. Occurs when trying to put in a comma on ipad, but it auto corrects to an exclamation mark. So if you post and get a dodgy comment back, eg "Have you thought about counselling! sounds like you need help!".....please believe us that we are not sarky cows. Because the rule of exclamationitis is that we only spot it after we have posted!
6. Our sayings are "Shit, this is hard" and "KOKO", keep on keeping on
7. Our theme tune, to keep us going, is below

At the beginning of this year Fontella posted this on the first thread:

"Can I just say as more of a reader rather than a participant on this thread (I got shot of my lying, conniving, controlling ex 10 years ago) that this is fast turning into my favourite thread. Lots of powerful, courageous and funny (in a good way) women all coming together and supporting each other through an incredibly painful time. You are all fabulous!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

my mood has just plummeted - how can a human be so full of hate that they need to destroy others to feel better about themselves. He has created a good story on his Form E still suffering from depression - this was guilt induced and a reaction to his DM death - not work related so he told me- work is the only thing he lives for as his whole persona is defined by his work image.

we have "debts" that need to be cleared and it appears I stole £6000! only way to do this is sell the house - as he is too ill to generate the level of income he has in the past. i think i am going to be fighting this all the way - am going to need those steel balls- has anyone heard of a judge telling a man to live in a one bed flat so that wife & kids can stay in Family home rather than let him continue to live in his luxury rental accommodation.

I have said right from the start that he is out to destroy me emotionally and financially - he has had a bloody good attempt emotionally and I have only survived due to the support I have had professionally and on here - now he is going for the financial hit- i have just told my DD never to fall for a man who is motivated by money - the kids can see it all in my face - wants house sold and clean break - alright for him his depression can disappear once its all done & dusted and no doubt the business will be back to previous levels of income whilst I can just be thrown out on the slag heap!

Whoops I meant lik, not attachment

Btw if anyone's interested (and as dating seems to be on the agenda today) there is a programme about Tinder at 10pm tonight on Channel 4 I thought it was just another blogging site till a couple of weeks ago

link even!!!

green hopefully all the manipulation on his Form E will get found out. Just make a list of questions.

Re accommodation he could argue that he needs somewhere big enough for the DC when they stay over. It can be shown that his income was higher in the past and he would be asked to explain this. I'm sure courts see this all the time. It could be that you get to stay in the house till the DC are 18.

green I reckon that's why my h is in debt up to his eyeballs... He's the same cunt that's married to all you ladies ... Same story, same shit... We ruined their lives and they love their jobs more than life.
Blah blah blah Meh !

bobs - thank you & ali you made me laugh - perhaps we should do a collective book - the twunts guide to getting divorced

greenberet think we were married to the same cunt, just completed my form E and obviously fat bastard has got to do his so I'm expecting the same poor me story, its seems everyday I find out he has done somethingelse to make me more financially screwed whilst he prances about living his life, not paying a penny but still wanting his fucking share, and yes, I am slightly looking forward to having a laugh/cry at his form as it will be lies lies and more fucking lies, apparently its costly to fight but hopefully worth it to see him squirm THE BASTARDS

Green you have my sympathy. That is truly disgusting. How these men live with themselves is beyond me. Spending that amount on rent a month is ridiculous - I can't imagine a judge would be impressed with that. It's all so tiring though isn't it. Why can't they just accept responsibility for what they have done and leave us all alone. If I had done this I would have walked away with nothing because I would have known that is what I deserve. But not only do they not care what they have done, they try and get the absolute maximum they can possibly get!! Arrrrrggggghhh!!

Mine is causing trouble again. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm posting some outrageous thing he's done because he's definitely up to something. I want someone to say to him in a really calm way 'don't you think you've done enough?'

sem I hope they see through the lies. It is maddening isn't it. I wouldn't dare lie. And when they must know that we know that they're lying!!

I'm hoping to avoid form E it would be too much of an insight into his new life.

Ours is a fairly straightforward financial situation so fingers crossed we can barter physical assets and just agree an equity split and pension share if that's appropriate. H thinks my pension will be worth more than his (I will eat my hat if it is) he also thinks this will mean I'll agree more of a share of the equity, dream on. I'd rather take a pension hit than give him more cash to set up home with that slut. I'll have to hope my mother doesn't leave her house to the dogs home :)

He has very high expectations of me and my morals, unfortunately for him I have no emotional bond with him now and I don't care if he has to live in a hovel.

What My solicitor said form E is for when your settlement is going to court for a decision, so you can avoid it if you can come to an agreement yourselves.

braving I would have loved to have avoided court, forms trauma etc but am dealing with a terrorist, so only route really, been to one mediation, waste of time, separate rooms then ridicule from him after, mediator suggested I crack on with the divorce, so I did

what Form E is completely avoidable if you're negotiating out of court, however, if you mediate you'll be asked to complete either Form E or Form E lite (a mediation self-generated one).

As much as they are a chore to complete, they are illuminating. They are mostly a work of fiction...until you read the bank accounts info, which proves very telling.

But they are good for a laugh...

Q: What special contributes did you make the marriage?
A: I was the marriage. My spouse contributed nothing.

Q: What special considerations do you require the court to take into consideration (can't remember the exact question)
A: I am about to drop down dead from an imaginary heart condition and also my employers are about to sack me. And also, my wife was useless. I deserve happiness having suffered for X no. of years.

Q:What are your income needs?
A: About four times what I currently earn/have ever earnt.

Q:What is your current income?
About 1/8 of what is written in my bank account.

Q: What is the value of your current capital
A: a made up figure, and no, I'm afraid I can't supply any proof. Soz about hat.

Living Like I said, I'm hoping to avoid all that, and I'm hoping he'll also want to avoid it, but you never know how these things are going to go, considering he's a twat.

wwk thats just what I'm expecting

H will never cope complex legal forms and processes without me doing it for him. I can't imagine she's very bright or she'd be advising him better.

braving weird eh, mines a twat too

my ex twat, well he still is a twat but hopefully will be ex soon, couldnt even make a phone call but all of a sudden he can cancel bills, take his name off accounts and all sorts but think the Form E may just have pushed him over the edge, they are so bloody predictable its sad

H would claim to have paid for everything, not hard to disprove I have monthly budget plans going back years. He's never valued my financial contribution. But strangely now he has no problem leaving me to pay for everything out of my pay with only minimum maintenance for dd.

He said the other day he doesn't know what I've been spending my wages on because he was transferring so much money into my account every month (less than 1/3 of his pay) - from which I paid the household bills, the mortgage, food, holidays, Christmas, clothes for me and dd etc. etc. He has no idea how much it costs to run a home.

Twat. He's the one with the designer clothes and the fancy car.

I'll add that to the list of attributes required in any future partner;

1. Not a twat.
2. Doesn't scratch himself and then sniff his hand.
3. Must be able to complete forms unaided.

Braving number 2 on your list!!! Eeewww!!!

My three are:

1. Tall
2. Funny
3. Lives elsewhere

No 2 , No. 6 and why do they always play with their bits whilst on the phone, or is it just my stb ex bastard

Less scratching generally would be nice.

What My solicitor was very clear that H's choice to live with his slut and her children is just that his choice and doesn't impact on our financial settlement. In fact as there are two of them paying towards the household expenses H actually needs less money than if he was living on his own, so it works in my favour financially.

Also he has no legal financial responsibility for her dc so he can't reduce maintenance for dd on the basis of there being dc in his household, as slut and her unfortunately ex have financial responsibility for them and her ex will be paying maintenance. It would be like me moving some man and his dc in with me (shudder) and asking H to increase maintenance payments because there are more children in my household.

So don't take any shit.