OP
I think it was a big mistake staring this thread. I'm sure everything will be fine.
It really wasn't a mistake. And it doesn't sound like you are "fine" right now. The partner swapping incident obviously seriously traumatised you (unsurpisingly) and it souns very much like it will 100% NOT be fine unless you address it. That is obviously going to be difficult and scary and if you don't feel ready or ever want to, that is of course your right. But please, please don't just brush it all under the mental carpet of "it will be fine" without seriously giving thought to finding some therapy or counselling that works for you. Maybe not right now, maybe after you've had time to digest what's on this thread.
But please leave it as an option to reconsider and not rule out. You maybe storing up a lot of psychological damage for yourself in future that just gets packed upon and packed upon and becomes fixed like a fossil in coal.
Just because he said a couple or horrible things does not make him emotionally abusive.
I agree that people say hurtful things to each other all the time in anger. I agree that saying "a couple of horrible things" does not make someone emotionally abusive.
But that's not what you've posted about. You've posted about someone who said something more than horrible ("too fat to fuck") on YOUR WEDDING NIGHT. You've posted about someone who has let you know they hate your weight. You've posted about someone who ignored your refusal and unwillingness to participate in a foursome swap and continued to pressure you. You've posted about someone who - knowing full well that this was something the idea of which did not turn you on and which you were against - had sex with another woman in your hearing. You've posted about someone who after that wouldn't even stand up to a man groping you whenever he choose.
You haven't painted a picture of someone who has said a couple of mean things. It's a much deeper and broader picture of someone who is being opressive and cruel to you than a couple of horrible things.
And saying "horrible things" alone can be emotional abuse if it is repeated and targeted enough. If you want to view being told you are too fat to fuck as just saying a horrible thing, that is your entitlement - but it is so personal and so unpleasant, that at the very least it should alert you the possibility there is a problem here - however you want to class it - and even if you don't want to call it abuse.
Please re-read yummymummy's post above where she says i also thought such things were normal.but it shows how bad it actually is
The longer you are in a relationship where poor treatment is meted out, the more you become conditioned to think it is acceptable.
If your daughter or a close friend told you all of this what would you say to them??
I was not raped either, if you read what I wrote you will see that I consented.
Fine if you don't want to view it as rape. Fine if you truely believe you consented. (Althought as I said above, consent under duress is no true consent.)
But even on your view, you really must see that this was sailing very close to the wind of sexual assault and your DH's approach to you was pressurising and took no real account of your wishes and views. Is that kind? Or nice? Or loving?
Name change fail there
You may want to ask MNHQ to delete your name change posts. I searched for posts under that user name and I doubt I'm the only one. There is a lot on here that is highly personal.
Please don't leave and do keep posting. No one here is right or wrong. No one here is judging you. Everyone is trying to help and maybe get you to think about your situation in a way you haven't. You can accept or reject comments or advice. It's your choice but please don't feel you need to abandon this as a support life line.