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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive?

188 replies

TooFatToFuck · 08/05/2015 21:02

Yesterday I was verbally abused about my weight by 2 kids (both about 11/12 years old) as I walked home. Its was horrible, I was so embarrassed and upset. Today whilst walking home with my toddler the same 2 kids were pointing at me and then started to come towards us. I was scared and thought they were going to shout stuff at me or throw stones or something, but thankfully they passed us without incident.

Anyway, I told my DH about it today, how scared I felt and he just laughed Sad. I feel so shit. I was scared because I wouldn't have been able to do very much if they did throw stones at me or something. I don't want my toddler to witness me getting abuse.
I snapped at DH that I don't think its anything to laugh about but he hasn't apologised and thinks I just took his laughing the wrong way.

So, was I oversensitive about DH laughing?

OP posts:
Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 09/05/2015 11:04

I do take responsibility for the weight gain, I know no one shoved cakes in my mouth. I'm also aware that a gastric sleeve only works if I put the effort in. I've had some therapy for my weight already and I do feel able and positive about losing the weight.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 09/05/2015 11:12

God, I've just read that back to myself and I sound pathetic.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/05/2015 11:14

OP would you say that you recognise that you were sexually assaulted that night? That saying "yes" because saying "no" isn't working isn't actually consent?

cedricsneer · 09/05/2015 11:15

Ok good. I wasn't attempting to shame you further - I have experience of eating disorders and I believe it's really important to not blame external forces as then we can believe we don't have the resources to change.

Having said all that omg - how utterly horrendous. I cannot for a second believe you are still with this man. Until you leave him I don't see how you can begin to sort out your self-esteem. I am so sorry that you don't feel you deserve more - you sound fabulous and I hope you find the strength to find someone to treat you like a worthy human being. Thanks

cedricsneer · 09/05/2015 11:15

You are not pathetic. He is.

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 11:16

You don't sound pathetic. You sound as though you need support. Would you consider getting in touch with your GP? Or www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ ?

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 11:18

Ok good.

What the actual fuck?

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 11:28

Are you ok OP?

dangerrabbit · 09/05/2015 11:28

What a bastard.

Dump the motherfucker already.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 09/05/2015 11:28

I'm not sure if it was sexual assault, after all I did give in and consent in the end. I wasn't beaten into doing it, I should have just stuck to my guns. I mostly just feel like a whore about it all tbh.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/05/2015 11:32

OP sexual assault does not require you to be hit.

I think you need to talk to your doctor, rather urgently.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/05/2015 11:33

Good lord. No wonder you expected a chorus of LTBs. That really was pretty disgusting and so, so totally not your fault. You may feel you have got past that incident and he may never do anything quite so heinous again (!) but to what extent has his attitude towards you, as an equal human being with your own emotions, really changed? The laughing suggests it hasn't.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 09/05/2015 11:55

I wish I'd never wrote it all down, the night keeps replaying now. I just wanted to forget it.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/05/2015 11:57
Flowers

You've tried to suppress and you've tried to make yourself unattractive. Perhaps that worked for a time, but it's not working now. This is why I think you need to talk to someone. It's time to try something else.

Blue2014 · 09/05/2015 12:28

OP, please please discuss this with a therapist, this is trauma. Please trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

For now, just focus on getting through the moment. Visit someone you trust for distraction, focus on counting your breath, ground yourself in this moment, look around the room you are in now and describe it in your head in the smallest possible detail, take your mind away from that day for now.

I know it's hard to hear others speak so directly about your life and partner on this thread. But they all speak the truth. You deserve better than this, I'm sorry if that breaks your heart but it is, unquestionably, the truth. You deserve better.

maz210 · 09/05/2015 12:53

Just caught up with this thread, op I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I really do feel you'd be better off away from your husband but ultimately that's your decision to make.

I do think you should seek counselling for what's happened, it could be really helpful for you. Keep talking here in the meantime, we're here for you.

Glittery, it was me who put in four stone in a year, not the op, so turn your condemnation on me instead of her. She needs support right now, not someone telling her she's to blame for the situation she's in.

SelfLoathing · 09/05/2015 13:50

This caused a lot of arguments and I decided to just say fuck it, I'm getting fat. I just didn't want any man to find me attractive. So I did. It seemed the only way to protect myself.

Oh my God OP (I also am in the club of not wanting to call you by your username) - you need a big hug, lots of love and support.

That story of the partner swapping is actually horrific in itself but I am not surprised you ended up feeling that you want to be overweight to repel men. I know what you mean and I've been there myself. There is something that feels very safe about being overweight and not making any effort so men aren't interested. It's hard to explain to people who haven't been there but a move from being very attractive and being hit on constantly to being overweight suddenly feels like a very "safe" space. But it's all illusory - because unless you are massively obese - most of it is in your head and to do with how you act/flirt/dress interact with people.

Anyway - to go back to the partner swapping incident - this really strengthens my view that this man is no good for you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to sexually experiment or partner swap in the abstract. But there is A LOT wrong in persisting in this if your partner is not interested or says no SO what you are left with is

  • a man who knew you didn't want to do this but pressured you to do it anyway (doesn't care about you/puts his own needs/wants above yours at all costs)
  • a man who in the face of your resistance had sex with another woman in circumstances where you saw/heard a lot of it (again - some people might find that a turn on but where you don't consent it is cruel and disrespectful)
  • a man who put you into a position of feeling that you had to have sex with a man you clearly didn't want to have sex with. (He could have said to the others - fine she doesn't want to, let's have our own fun but he didn't. Probably because he thought that if he didn't palm you off on the other man, the other man wouldn't be interested and he would lose his chance for no strings attached sex).
  • a man who left you in that situation in which you are obviously vulnerable (no sense of care or protection for you)
  • a man who by his behaviour some how lead this other man to think that it was OK for you (his partner) to be groped/treated like a piece of meat after the event.

It's all so far off the scale of what should take place in a loving, caring, mutually supportive relationship that it's difficult to know where to start really.

You know that old saying "the one who cares the least has the most power". My assessment of it is that you love (or are infuated with) your partner to such a degree that you will put up with anything to keep him; he doesn't care and knows that you will put up with anything. At the root of this is low self esteem.

You need to get out of this relationship before what is left of your own strength, self esttem and identity is pulverised into nothing. Your challenge is to get to the point where you can really see this AND have the strength to act on it and get out.

SelfLoathing · 09/05/2015 13:52

*infatuated with your partner

AyeAmarok · 09/05/2015 14:04

He really is not a very nice person. He basically wanted to cheat on you and basically sold you to his flatmate to enable himself to do it.

TonyThePony · 09/05/2015 15:19

Jesus Christ, LTB.

I don't even know you but I guarantee you're worth a million of him; what an utterly despicable scumbag.

There are nice people out there, please don't stay with him.

Smorgasboard · 09/05/2015 15:22

He's a cheat, and used you in the most horrendous way to do it. You could hear him having sex in the next room! Where are your boundaries?
You have much to sort out through therapy. Ditching him would prove to be a better way of losing the constant reminder.

Jengnr · 09/05/2015 15:31

He is disgusting. Really disgusting. He has enabled you being raped, refused to help you when you asked for it against repeated sexual assaults, verbally abuses you and laughs when others do the same? That isn't lovely.

The verbal abuse by two teenage gobshites is the good part of this story.

ashtrayheart · 09/05/2015 15:43

this is awful op Sad I suspect away from this man the weight issue would resolve itself with some help, he is the real problem here.

AlpacaMyBags · 09/05/2015 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 09/05/2015 16:37

In tears here Sad

I have BED (binge eating disorder).

I was raped by a previous partner, didn't even admit to myself that it was rape.

My fat is my protective mantle. When I'm fat and feeling confident I l se the weight until I start getting attention from people and don't feel anonymous. I then get panicked and eat again.

Eating serves me 2 purposes though, another purpose is that when I'm on a binge it's like going I to zombie mode, I can't feel anything and I don't remember it.

Lastly it's like a punishment, like I don't deserve to be slim and healthy. I didn't realise I'd been raped at first as I made excuses for him and didn't report it. He's gone on to mistreat others in subsiquent relationships but I don't know if he's raped them.

It's only since realising that my eating is reaction to what happened that things have improved. Even so my weight still fluctuates by 6.5 stone but it takes more time to go back on now.

I'm currently on the waiting list for help having been assessed as medium risk.