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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive?

188 replies

TooFatToFuck · 08/05/2015 21:02

Yesterday I was verbally abused about my weight by 2 kids (both about 11/12 years old) as I walked home. Its was horrible, I was so embarrassed and upset. Today whilst walking home with my toddler the same 2 kids were pointing at me and then started to come towards us. I was scared and thought they were going to shout stuff at me or throw stones or something, but thankfully they passed us without incident.

Anyway, I told my DH about it today, how scared I felt and he just laughed Sad. I feel so shit. I was scared because I wouldn't have been able to do very much if they did throw stones at me or something. I don't want my toddler to witness me getting abuse.
I snapped at DH that I don't think its anything to laugh about but he hasn't apologised and thinks I just took his laughing the wrong way.

So, was I oversensitive about DH laughing?

OP posts:
StaceyAndTracey · 11/05/2015 13:34

Walter - I ve read posts from Catholic musnetters who've had their marriages annulled because of their husbands abuse . So I hope attitudes might be changing

And I agree about the " devout Christian who is into partner swapping " Hmm . Less about devotion to God and more about his own selfish desires

Waltermittythesequel · 11/05/2015 13:52

YY Stacey.

I don't want to derail the thread as some clever person will come along and start being hilarious about the 'sky fairy' but I do think hope the church is making progress in general under Pope Francis.

But I know for sure that no decent, moral person be he religious or not would treat someone so contemptibly and then claim to be a good Christian!

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 11/05/2015 14:07

No one is perfect, people change.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 11/05/2015 14:09

Nobody is perfect. But then, most men aren't abusive like him either.

People change but not in essentials, I don't think.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 11/05/2015 14:12

He isn't abusive.

OP posts:
StaceyAndTracey · 11/05/2015 14:14

Indeed, OP. But we can only change ourselves , not others . However much we want to , love them or are committed to them . Your husband has the right to hold his own beliefs , attitudes and values and behave the way he wants . To laugh at your distress and hate you .

You have the right to decide if you want to stay and for you and your toddler to live like that .

But perhaps that decision is a long way off for you . In the meantime, I hope you can get some therapy or counselling that you find helpful about the assault and your eating disorder / weight problems .

StaceyAndTracey · 11/05/2015 14:16

I think you'll find that your husbands current behaviour would meet most definitions of emotional abuse

That's disregarding what happened some years ago when you were assaulted

MrNoseybonk · 11/05/2015 14:22

You think you've fucked up your life but in reality your husband's actions and treatment of you have fucked up your life.
And yet you still think he isn't abusive.
All of your weight and happiness problems are caused by him.
No doubt he'd have a good laugh about that.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 11/05/2015 14:38

Just because he said a couple or horrible things does not make him emotionally abusive. I was not raped either, if you read what I wrote you will see that I consented.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 11/05/2015 14:39

And no, he wouldn't have a good laugh about it all either.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 11/05/2015 14:45

OP, I don't want you to stop posting so I'll bow out. I wish you the best.

pocketsaviour · 11/05/2015 14:47

OP, I can sense that the reactions from some posters here (actually all posters here) have shocked you in how negatively we view your H.

Bear in mind that we're only going on what you've told us. I get the sense that you're so far under, you've come to believe that the way he treats you and speaks to you is normal.

Regarding your previous trauma: it's up to you, as the individual who was there, how you term what happened. "Rape" is a very emotive word and you don't have to use it to describe what happened. You obviously know that it was very traumatic for you and that it has affected you deeply.

What's important now is that you get some help around that. And that's your private business, and you don't have to tell your H if you don't want to.

When you started this thread, the title was "Am I over-sensitive?" I think everyone on here can agree that you're not over-sensitive at all - I think you've been under-sensitive for many years and been used to putting your own feelings after everyone else's.

BTW I am having gastric bypass 3 weeks on Weds (eek!) and I have a history of binge eating following sexual assault. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk further Flowers

Vivacia · 11/05/2015 14:54

OP I agree with Pocket regarding the use of emotive words and having to choose our own language.

But I think you should also reflect upon why so many of us are labelling his behaviour as abusive and the "hiccup" as rape.

Vivacia · 11/05/2015 14:55

(And for what it's worth it took me years to recognise that what happened to me was rape but I don't want to dismiss your experience by telling you something was X when you feel it was Y).

educatingarti · 11/05/2015 15:23

OP - I have been having counselling for quite a while although I am of course no expert. What you describe below sounds, in my opinion, like the sessions you had were actually re-traumatising you and that is not at all helpful. A skilled therapist would help you to tread a better line between working through your experiences but without getting very re-traumatised by the session. I'd try some more counselling but perhaps of a different type and definitely with a different person. I 've heard what you said about the cost. Even if you don't consider what happened to you as rape, a counsellor trained in helping rape victims might be a good fit for helping you so you could try rape crisis (it was obviously a crisis for you and no wonder). Alternatively, there are organisations that offer counselling on a "pay what you can afford" basis - we have one in our city which has christian counsellors too.

When you do start with a new counsellor, you could aim for giving them a matter of fact description of what happened (cut and paste what you wrote on this thread for example), but also what you have quoted below ( again you could cut and paste). This will help them to understand very quickly what has been happening and put them in the best place to help.

PS - you make lots of sense and what you have written should be eminently understandable by counsellors/pycotherapists

I find it near impossible to talk when recounting such horrible things. I think the problem is that I don't remember as such but instead its like the situations are happening again ( if that makes sense?) . Like several realities happening at once is the best way I can describe it.after each session I was left reliving several horrible things at once and it would take several days for me to calm them and put the away. (I bet I've made no sense whatsoever). The sessions I had were on the NHS and unfortunately I'm not in the position to pay privately at the moment for alternative help but it is something I will look into when I have the means.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 11/05/2015 16:00

I'm sorry I've been defensive. Thank you everyone but I think it was a big mistake staring this thread. I'm sure everything will be fine.

OP posts:
RedKite1985 · 11/05/2015 16:15

Wow, he has obviously destroyed all your self esteem and confidence for you to allow your husband to get away with saying the things he has.

My DP has put on a lot of weight since we have been together but you know what? I still fancy the fuck out of her and tell her same (not in such a crude manner). Your husband is a wanker. Leave him and work on yourself

CharlotteCollins · 11/05/2015 16:41

How do you think your voice sounded when you described the incident on the street, OP? I would've thought you sounded upset - how come he didn't tune into that?

How come once you explained to him how upset you were, his response was to tell you you were overreacting, rather than to comfort you and help you feel better?

Abuse is another emotive word, and it is very misunderstood by a lot of people. But it appears to me that your DH is dismissive of your opinions and feelings. He was not sympathetic about the kids shouting at you. He did not listen to your reluctance during the hiccup. Do you think there is any truth in what I'm saying?

It wasn't consent, because it wasn't freely given. You were coerced.

Laladeepsouth · 11/05/2015 20:08

When I started reading this thread yesterday, I was at first so concerned and infuriated but after going back through and rereading to clarify some confusing time issues, something just began to feel "off." I then reread from the beginning and, yeah, it seemed that a plethora of stereotypical hot buttons were being pushed. Just read OP's latest "everything will be fine" response not really surprised and not really worried any more. Am I allowed to say this on Mumsnet? I don't plan on going into detail about all my reasons for feeling this way (because it wouldn't be appropriate, right?), but I could.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 11/05/2015 20:26

What on earth makes you think I'm a troll Laladeepsouth? I said "fine" because it all just got a bit upsetting for me and I thought it best to leave it. If there is anything that is not clear to you I will explain if you want me to. I will gladly hear your concerns.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 11/05/2015 20:28

(Name change fail there Blush)

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 11/05/2015 20:28

Oh OP don't go Flowers

It must be so hard hearing all of these opinions, please don't let it push you away from your positive steps forward. If you're not ready to deal with what happened to you then you shouldn't feel pressured or forced.

You're making fantastic positive steps to take more care of your health and that is great.

You deserve love, care and affection and all the posters can see that; it feels like pressure and like you have to defend your DH but it's only people's reactions to your pain.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone reading this, how would you want to react to the woman saying these things?

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 11/05/2015 20:47

I do understand people reactions Vanitas but they are still hard to hear. I keep deciding I will do something then changing my mind. Just feeling a bit muddled. Thank you though

OP posts:
Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 11/05/2015 20:48

Still waiting to hear your reasons lala

OP posts:
Joysmum · 11/05/2015 21:03

I too took a long time to realise what had happened to me as I'd minimised it for self preservation reasons.

As I said earlier, my experience also manifested itself in eating. I'm 26 years on and fell apart at 25 years post event.

If I hadn't buried it, I'd have begun the process of understanding and coming to terms with it sooner without fucking up my body for long.

What's really sad here is you making excuses for him. A husband who respected you would said what he has or pushed you into doing what you did. He'd hurt when he saw you hurting and he'd do everything in his power to help you heal.

But then, you've never had that with him so you wouldn't know how damaging he is to you.

I hope one day you'll gave the strength to see what women in happy marriages have and how lacking he is.

You deserve better Flowers

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