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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive?

188 replies

TooFatToFuck · 08/05/2015 21:02

Yesterday I was verbally abused about my weight by 2 kids (both about 11/12 years old) as I walked home. Its was horrible, I was so embarrassed and upset. Today whilst walking home with my toddler the same 2 kids were pointing at me and then started to come towards us. I was scared and thought they were going to shout stuff at me or throw stones or something, but thankfully they passed us without incident.

Anyway, I told my DH about it today, how scared I felt and he just laughed Sad. I feel so shit. I was scared because I wouldn't have been able to do very much if they did throw stones at me or something. I don't want my toddler to witness me getting abuse.
I snapped at DH that I don't think its anything to laugh about but he hasn't apologised and thinks I just took his laughing the wrong way.

So, was I oversensitive about DH laughing?

OP posts:
Blue2014 · 09/05/2015 20:13

OP, your post was heartbreaking, so much so (and I never do this) I told my husband. His eyes welled with tears at the things you have been through. He sees a lot of difficult things in his job and yet your situation still moved him. I tell you this because I want you to know that a good man doesn't think this is ok either. It's not just a woman's view.

I'm thinking of you OP, I really think therapy is the first step, to help you recognise what good things you deserve. You can do this, as un-MN as this is much love to you.

Jackieharris · 09/05/2015 20:14

Ltb.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 09/05/2015 20:20

Feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the support, thank you all.

OP posts:
dangerrabbit · 09/05/2015 20:52

Seriously, you need to dump him. What a nasty piece of work.

Thinking of you Flowers

bearleftmonkeyright · 09/05/2015 21:24

Your post has broken my heart. I really hope you find comfort and support here. I have nothing helpful to add, no wise words of wisdom but I do believe you were raped by that man and that he continued to sexually assault you and your husband did nothing to stop him. I think you are courageous to set out here just what has happened to you. Wishing you strength.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 09/05/2015 21:51

I don't think I could just leave him, I want to try and work things out. My faith and vows are very important to me so I have to try.

OP posts:
StaceyAndTracey · 09/05/2015 22:00

What faith do you follow , OP?

BifsWif · 09/05/2015 22:16

Oh OP, I have no words. Flowers

Please ring RapeCrisis as others have suggested, they won't think you're wasting their time I promise. You may be surprised how different you feel after talking this through with them.

You sound like such a lovely, warm person, you do not deserve to be treated the way you are being treated. You mention you have a DS, please ask yourself honestly - if he goes on to treat his future wife the way your husband treats you, would that be acceptable?

I'm sending you lots of love and strength, you deserve better. You really do.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 09/05/2015 22:28

We are christian.

OP posts:
Jackw · 09/05/2015 23:02

Sweetheart, there's nothing to work out here. You have been most horrendously abused both by your husband and the other man. You say we are Christian. Do you mean your husband too? No decent, Christian man would do what he has done to you. If he still thinks himself a man of God he is an appalling hypocrite.

WyrdByrd · 10/05/2015 01:41

Totally agree with JackW.

FWIW my DH and I were practising CofE when we went through a very bad patch a few years ago. At one point I was seriously considering leaving and I spoke to our priest who treated the conversation in confidence and was nothing but supportive.

I am pretty certain that God would not want this life for you.

Vivacia · 10/05/2015 07:18

Or your children.

Footle · 10/05/2015 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dangerrabbit · 10/05/2015 08:24

Your husband doesn't sound a particularly devout Christian considering he fucked his neighbours wife and didn't even bother to do it out of your earshot. Does he see himself as religious or are you the only practicing one?

dangerrabbit · 10/05/2015 08:31

Sorry if my post sounds harsh, his behaviour has just made me so angry. I hope you find the best solution for you Flowers

Vivacia · 10/05/2015 08:37

It's almost as if religion is being used by the man to keep the woman under control.

OP I can't believe for a second that your god would want your faith to keep you in this relationship, modelling this to your children.

karinmaria · 10/05/2015 08:43

Feeling very sad for you OP - you deserve better than this. Your DH had a huge part in creating an eating disorder in you and I hope you can find the strength to reach out to rapecrisis or some counselling to help you find your self worth Thanks

StaceyAndTracey · 10/05/2015 09:07

Vivacia , you are completely right . Christian teaching is that abuse is not a relational problem, it's a pattern of behaviour in the abuser that's about establishing dominance and control over the other person . And abusers frequently try to mis use the Bible or God to perpetuate the abuse

AFAIK all mainstream Christina churches advise a women to leave an abusive marriage and for the man to get Professional help to help him adress his behaviour and bring him to repentance (not just remorse ) .

Repentance is about seeing clearly where you have gone wrong , why you did it , taking responsibility for it and and working hard to change it . to turn round and go in the oposite direction if you like . Christians see that as something that we need Gods help with

Remorse is about feeling sorry for yourself , that you are suffering the consequences of your actions . And regretting what you have done.

Sadly most abusers never get past remorse , which is why they go on abusing people

I'm not any kind of expert BTW so hope ive got that right

StaceyAndTracey · 10/05/2015 09:17

OP , I can see that there is a lot of new information on this thread for you , and it must be quite shocking

You came on here believing that you were fat , perhaps because you are greedy or lazy . And now you've been told that you probably have an eating disorder . This is an illness and it's not your fault , any more than Asthma is. Yes it can be tricky to treat, but there is help out there and others who can support you , who have been there and understand .

And you came here thinking that you had suffered a little " hiccup" in your marriage, and posters are telling you that it's emotional abuse . Not just a one off, but the way your husband treats you all the time . And I suspect you know they are right .

So I can understand if you are feeling confused and a bit shocked now . That's ok . Keep posting , there is lots of help and understanding here for you .

Blue2014 · 10/05/2015 10:02

I agree with what Stacey says, this is so much to process and so overwhelming for you. im not even asking you to walk out the door from him now, all I ask if that you get some support, either from the church or a therapist. Work on rebuilding you, you are the focus now

I also wonder if you should think about changing your username! Thanks

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 10/05/2015 10:55

Yes, I am finding it all a bit overwhelming. I think Ive given the impression that my DH is awful and abusive but he isn't. We rarely argue, we laugh a lot, DH was amazing during my PND after our child was born and he is a great father. He does feel really bad about the hiccup and has changed a lot since then.
We are both christian ( and not perfect), DH practices it more than me. I am taking on board what everyone is saying but divorce really would have to be an absolute last resort for me. I don't think the marriage is that awful.

OP posts:
popalot · 10/05/2015 11:07

It wasn't a 'hiccup'. It was a major traumatic experience (I am trying not to call it what it was because that might put you off talking to someone about it) that was ongoing and your husband encouraged it and failed to protect you from it. Just like he did when the boys verbally insulted you in the street.

You are upset because he is failing to protect you, then trying to dismiss what has happened to you as something irrelevant. It's not irrelevant. It's horrific.

My goodness, I'm surprised you have managed to stay so strong for so long. Please speak to someone regarding the attack re.housemate and next time the boys harass you, take their photo with your phone (you might want to do it without them seeing) and go to the local police.

Don't think about your marriage or him. Go and get some support for what you have been through. You can think about the marriage later.

SelfLoathing · 10/05/2015 11:34

If you were my daughter I would not rest until you and your child were away from this man.

What is your relationship like with your mother OP? Have you discussed any of this with her? (I understand that the partner swapping incident may not be something that you want to share with her) But generally, your marriage and the way your husband treats you. Do you have any close friends you have or could confide in?

and he is a great father

What does exactly do you mean by this?

I've noticed that 99.9% of women posting here say this about their partners - even if the men are vile and emotionally abusive or general wastrels. Seems to me that a lot of women mean by this "he obviously adores these small people he has created and enjoys playing with them". That is not a great father; that's just someone who enjoys an ego trip of the worship of little children who are his.

A great father is someone who puts their childrens interests above their own; who will muck in with all the day-to-day boring functionality of running a family (nappy changing/feeding/taking child to football/ballet lessons/dealing with middle of the night incidents etc); ensures the children have a stable family environment (where were your children during the partner swapping incident btw???) but most of all is a good role model in they way he treats their mother with kindness and respect.

I think Ive given the impression that my DH is awful and abusive but he isn't. We rarely argue, we laugh a lot, DH was amazing during my PND after our child was born

I think you are confusing issues here.

Abusive men are frequently charming, particularly publicly, it's how they get away with it. Think about it, if he'd say to you "you're too fat to fuck" on your first date, would there have been a second one? I don't think so.

Laughing a lot is trivial -if you want a laugh, watch some comedy. Feeling utterly sh*t about yourself on a fundamental level because of what he has said to you and how he has behaved towards you is not trivial. It affects the core of your being.

The fact that you still think he is a good husband speaks volumes about your own self-esteem and (probably) his control over you. Let's face it - he's doing pretty well to force a four way partner swap when his own wife was seriously objecting - that's pretty good control I'm afraid to say.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 10/05/2015 12:09

The hiccup happened about 6 months into the relationship, way before we married and had a child.

He does actually do all the day to day stuff for our child and has done since birth. He is her primary carer. Our roles are quite reversed in that respect.

I could never speak about such things with my mother, we don't have that sort of relationship at all. All my friends live in different cities to me and are friends with my DH also, I would not feel OK talking to them.

Our day to day life is quite happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 10/05/2015 12:12

I'm not really sure I need to speak to anyone either, I don't see him as controlling at all.

OP posts: