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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being over sensitive?

188 replies

TooFatToFuck · 08/05/2015 21:02

Yesterday I was verbally abused about my weight by 2 kids (both about 11/12 years old) as I walked home. Its was horrible, I was so embarrassed and upset. Today whilst walking home with my toddler the same 2 kids were pointing at me and then started to come towards us. I was scared and thought they were going to shout stuff at me or throw stones or something, but thankfully they passed us without incident.

Anyway, I told my DH about it today, how scared I felt and he just laughed Sad. I feel so shit. I was scared because I wouldn't have been able to do very much if they did throw stones at me or something. I don't want my toddler to witness me getting abuse.
I snapped at DH that I don't think its anything to laugh about but he hasn't apologised and thinks I just took his laughing the wrong way.

So, was I oversensitive about DH laughing?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/05/2015 17:17

Flowers Joy. I think that was very brave of you to share, I hope your words reach the OP.

Filthyandgorgeous · 09/05/2015 17:26

That is so awful op. What an absolute pig. I know it's hard but don't defend him. We can all see what he is.

cedricsneer · 09/05/2015 17:30

Vivacia, maybe read what I put at the bottom of that post before you clutch your pearls. I have said I have personal experience of this.

Op, I really hope you are listening. Scrape that self-worth off the floor, get some help to stop minimising all of this and you may find your self-esteem recovers enough to sort the food stuff and leave this man. I really hope so.

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 17:44

I did read further cedricsneer. I really don't understand how you can read that disclosure from a woman and reply with "oh good" and a reiteration of your "don't blame others, self-worth on the floor" position. I seriously don't know how you can lack so much compassion.

cedricsneer · 09/05/2015 17:50

I have plenty of empathy thanks. In fact it is the main constituent of my job. I have also been in exactly - I mean exactly (apart from a few different details of the sexual assault) in her shoes - including binge eating to make myself invisible and because I despised myself.

Binge eating disorder needs to be addressed not as a symptom, but by getting proper help to address the self-worth issues that are at the root of it. That involves working hard in self esteem - which is all I was suggesting. I truly don't believe that getting a gastric sleeve without therapy will work. Which is what the op said she is doing. Which is why I said "oh good".

Joysmum · 09/05/2015 17:56

Vivacia, maybe read what I put at the bottom of that post before you clutch your pearls. I have said I have personal experience of this

I'm sure many of us have personal experience of this which means we might understand some of our own issues and attitudes but doesn't make us experts on ourselves, let alone anyone else.

Luckily I'm far enough on for your judgements about blame to wash over me, but earlier on in my experiences it would have been damaging to read.

This is a sensitive subject. By all means share your experience to see if those reading can draw any parallels if you feel you want to, but fuck off with the judgements as you know jack shit about anyone else. Your judgements based on your self proclaimed expertise could hurt those you'd like to think you are helping. Sad

cedricsneer · 09/05/2015 17:56

Oh, and I've also practised what I preach - including 15 years (on and off) of therapy to process all this stuff.

Joysmum · 09/05/2015 17:58

Cross posted.

I think you need to work on your writing skills because I didn't see an ounce of empathy in your posts.

cedricsneer · 09/05/2015 17:59

I'm not judging anyone. You have misunderstood me if you think I am. I won't say any more as I may out myself but actually whilst nobody is an expert on this stuff I do work in this field now.

cedricsneer · 09/05/2015 18:00

You are in danger of invalidating my experiences actually joysmum, so let's leave it there.

Joysmum · 09/05/2015 18:08

Good idea. I don't want to derail the thread.

Rosieliveson · 09/05/2015 18:14

Shock Your now husband allowed you to be raped so he could cheat on you in the next room?! That's horrific!

Have you considered talking to a professional about that night? I can't imagine how terrible if must have been for you. Your self confidence must be at rock bottom if you still have a man who allowed you to be treated like that in your life.

I am so so sorry for you OP.

SelfLoathing · 09/05/2015 18:20

You are in danger of invalidating my experiences actually joysmum,

This is psychobabble gibberish. In danger?? of invalidating?!? experiences? You can't "invalidate" an experience because it either is a true fact or untrue. Dismissing or discounting would be a better word; but really so what? Joysmum is entitled to her opinion and is not "in danger" of anything.

How about getting back to the OP's issue instead of making it all about you?

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 09/05/2015 18:22

Sorry, I had to step away from the thread for a bit.
Joysmum thank you for sharing, I can relate to almost all of it. I know I have done this to punish myself as much as I have done it to repel men. I'm so sorry you went through that, you come across as such a lovely person. I hope you get the help you need to beat your demons

Thank you everyone else too. I sort of know that what happened was unacceptable but in a strange way it seems acceptable too ( if you know what I mean). DH really is very nice day to day, though I have wondered if he sees me as a full human being as he does tend to treat me like a child.
I don't really feel its appropriate for me to contact rapecrisis as I'm not sure that what happened was a sexual assault and I wouldn't want to take the place of someone who needs it more.
Im not sure what I want/ should be doing at the moment. Despite all that has happened I do love him.

OP posts:
cedricsneer · 09/05/2015 18:24

Happily. It was getting personal, I reacted. Sorry op - hope you find some peace with it all.

SelfLoathing · 09/05/2015 18:30

as I'm not sure that what happened was a sexual assault

Yes it was.

You said no repeatedly. He should have listened.

If a man said to a woman "have sex with me otherwise I'm going to beat you up" and she says "OK then", you'd think that was sexual assault wouldn't you? Even if she notionally is consenting. Your situation is not dissimilar - the point is that "consent" is not freely given and therefore not true consent.

But even if you think it wasn't assault because you consented, him groping you afterwards etc definitely is.

More importantly, even if you think it wasn't assault (which I disagree with) it has clearly caused you a lot of trauma, upset and psychological fall out. You probably would benefit from some kind of therapy/treatment for this - and rape crisis centres probably aren't a bad place to start.

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 18:30

but in a strange way it seems acceptable too ( if you know what I mean)

Yes, because we have to rationalise our experiences. Your husband is sometimes nice because everyone is capable of behaving nicely.

Im not sure what I want/ should be doing at the moment.

I think you should prepare to make an appointment with your doctor on Monday. Perhaps print out some of your posts from this thread to show your doctor?

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 18:32

You could just ring Rape Crisis and run it past them - let them decide whether they have support you can/should access?

Joysmum · 09/05/2015 18:34

It's funny (well, you know what I mean) because even though I can now admit to myself what happened, and I've told my parents, I still don't feel like it's serious enough to call rape crisis.

I self sabotage in other ways too. It just seems the happier I feel, the more guilt and punishment that will eventually kick in and the harder my fall will be.

As I said before, I've come a long way, much of it thanks to women on here who shared their stories and so I was able to realise I was 'normal' in my reactions and in minimising what happened.

Of course I couldn't identify with everything anyone wrote but it was comforting knowing that however unique I am, nothing I feel is anything new.

I'd seriously recommend talking to somebody because your experience has affected you and your were coerced.

Google for Italk as an initial possible start point when you feel ready.

I felt so relieved when I finally spoke to somebody, was assessed and referred on. I have hope again because things couldn't have continued as they were and I know things will change for the better. I want that for you too Flowers

ThatsMyOnlyShirt · 09/05/2015 18:42

This thread has made me cry.

OP, please forgive yourself and not your husband.

Original poster
TooFatToFuck · 09/05/2015 19:01

I will have a think about contacting someone, I think the suggestion of phoning rapecrisis and letting them decide might be the best. My GP surgery is like a chocolate teapot.
Thank you everyone, I do feel my eyes have been opened a little. I suppose I have to have a think.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/05/2015 19:21

I hope you'll keep talking to us for as long as it's helpful OP.

WyrdByrd · 09/05/2015 19:27

He did say on our wedding night that I was too fat to fuck but other than that he is quite loving.

WTAF??!!! Shock Angry

He sounds less 'quite loving' and more 'quite a bell end' to me.

No YANBU. I can see that an adult being scared of a couple of kids might seem strange to some people (kids terrified me until I had one!), but the point is, you are perfectly entitled to your feelings an your DH should support you.

Regardless of that he sounds bloody awful though. I've put on 7st since my DH and I got together. It's nothing to proud of admittedly, but he has never, ever made me feel unloved, undesirable or ashamed about it, and he is probably the fittest, sportiest bloke I know so 'on paper' you would think he'd be more likely than average to have a moan.

WyrdByrd · 09/05/2015 19:36

I've just read the rest of your posts...bell-end doesn't really even scratch the surface does it?

Please get yourself whatever help/therapy you feel would be useful in dealing with what happened to you alongside having the gastric sleeve. You deserve so much better than this - rebuild your life and kick this fuckwit to the kerb Flowers.

CrazyCatLady13 · 09/05/2015 20:10

Please, please, please get help, look after yourself. You deserve so much better than this.