Am I being over sensitive?

[TooFatToFuck]

Yesterday I was verbally abused about my weight by 2 kids (both about 11/12 years old) as I walked home. Its was horrible, I was so embarrassed and upset. Today whilst walking home with my toddler the same 2 kids were pointing at me and then started to come towards us. I was scared and thought they were going to shout stuff at me or throw stones or something, but thankfully they passed us without incident.

Anyway, I told my DH about it today, how scared I felt and he just laughed . I feel so shit. I was scared because I wouldn't have been able to do very much if they did throw stones at me or something. I don't want my toddler to witness me getting abuse.
I snapped at DH that I don't think its anything to laugh about but he hasn't apologised and thinks I just took his laughing the wrong way.

So, was I oversensitive about DH laughing?

When I am queen of the world I will hunt down every man that hurts people this way and castrate them. I am so sorry OP. Your God doesn't want this for you. Please see someone about this.

Whatever way you want to describe him and his attitude to you, let's not split hairs about this, it's affected who you are now and has been responsible for shaping you into behaving as somebody you didn't want to be.

OP, please just focus on you. My worry isn't your marriage right now, if you feel and say you are happy with him I will trust you, but you don't seem to be happy with you.
And that's the most important thing, find someone you trust and speak with them and start being kinder to yourself.

I hear you speak about your husband with such kindness, understanding and forgiveness and yet you don't speak to yourself in the same way at all. Please check the way you treat yourself, for you it's ok that he's apologised and said he made a mistake, you say you have forgiven that, then why is it you can't forgive yourself, why are you talking about yourself is such a hard way? Your username still says it all, that cruel thing that he said that you say you have forgiven has become so much a part of you that it is literally your online identity. That's not who you are, it isn't the core of your identity. Find yourself again and start treating her well

The reason you need to speak to someone is the difficulty you have in believing the "hiccup" was unacceptable even though in your head you know it is. You were put into a horrible situation in which you had no control over what happened to your body - no wonder you have tried, rather successfully, to convince yourself that it wasn't that bad.

In short, your view of what is acceptable has been seriously skewed by this. You need to speak to someone to get your head back into a healthy place.

Look at what you have written about this man:

• He hates . . . the way I look

• I told my DH about it today, how scared I felt and he just laughed

• He hates my weight (Strong word that - hate - and you've used it twice.)

• I have wondered if he sees me as a full human being as he does tend to treat me like a child.

• Its was horrible, truly horrible. My DH begging me to let him do it and saying I should go with his housemate.

• I was so confused and heart broken that I ended up going to housemates room with him whilst my DH was fucking the other girl.

• Its was awful, I felt so numb throughout it all, I could actually hear my DH fucking in the next room.

Yet you still say you don't see him as controlling? I hope you find a way to address the traumatic experience you had. Please stop describing it as a hiccup; it is unhelpful to you to try minimise something that has had such a devastating effect on your psychological wellbeing and your health.

You say above that you aren't sure why you didn't leave him after the partner swapping incident. Have you really thought about why that was? Why did you stay with him then if it was only a few months in?

I'm sorry if I'm frustrating anyone on this thread. I am listening but its just hard to hear. I've fucked up my life tremendously but I will make it right somehow.

Don't worry about people's reactions. Most of us aren't frustrated with you, and even if we were, that would be our problem, not yours.

You have not fucked up your life AT ALL. What makes you think that, OP?

I've fucked up my life tremendously but I will make it right somehow.

God NO! You haven't done anything at all. You are a victim of some appalling treatment. How is that your fault?

When are you getting your bariatric surgery - are you on the waiting list? There might be a cousellor or psychologist attached to your clinic - could you phone uo and ask ?

Or you could ask your Gp to refer you . It's really inportant that you look at the reasons behind your over eating ,this will help ensure your operation is a success in the long term and you regain your health .

Is there a patient support group ?

About your husband - I'm sure he is sorry for what happened - that's remorse . I don't see any sign of repentance . If he was repentant he would

• accept full repsonsibility for his part in what happened
• Confess that to God, you and others and ask for forgiveness
• look at his own behaviour and work to change it , with the support of others
• Understand why its affected you the way it has
• support you in dealing with it

I don't see any of that in what you say of him . He's verbally abusive, unsympathetic and" hates your weight " . He should be hating what happened and his own part in it . The bible says to love our body and care for it, not hate it !

I'm sure he makes you laugh but it's really not enough

( BTW I realise that most other posters on this thread won't be Christian or of any other faith, so I hope you don't mind me putting this in religious terms and I hope it doesn't offend anyone . I trust it will make sense to the OP , as she says her faith is important to her )

Please don't think you are frustrating anyone. Nor think you have fucked up your life. It just isn't true. You sound like an amazing woman with a generous spirit. I really hope you can get your life back. There are so many people on here that can help. I don't comment much on threads but your story has touched me so deeply. You deserve so much more.

I've seen a psychologist as part of the bariatric pathway, surgery in a few months. I will be attending the support groups soon.
I've tried counselling before I met my DH but found it made me feel a hell of a lot worse. I'm not prepared to put myself through that again. I will get over what happened eventually.

Oh OP this is such a terribly sad thread.I found it very moving.

If your counselling made it worse, it is likely you weren't seeing someone good or who suited you. There are many other people here who can give you specialist advice and guidance about finding a good counsellor - hopefully someone will chip in.

People don't "just get over" traumatic experiences. That's a very old fashioned way of thinking - it's what they said about people with PTSD in WWI and WWII. Things have moved on. You can get help that will make you feel better - it does exist.

If you do want therapy, and you can tell me what you found hard about the counsellor I can try to recommend something else that might work? . If you didn't like talking a lot about things, EMDR might help? It's a therapy specifically for processing trauma and involves less talking? Or CBT is more structured too?

Councilling will usually make you feel worse before you feel better, you're bringing things to the surface that you've kept buried and you're having to face them full on. That's hard. It's not for everybody, but if you don't think you can go down that route again then please look at another form of therapy.

Ultimately, whether or not you stay in your marriage is your decision. You've heard a lot of things on this thread you probably weren't ready to hear, but therapy can help you work on yourself before you take a long, hard look at your relationship. Not one bit of anything that has happened has been your fault. Remember that.

I wish you well OP

I find it near impossible to talk when recounting such horrible things. I think the problem is that I don't remember as such but instead its like the situations are happening again ( if that makes sense?) . Like several realities happening at once is the best way I can describe it.after each session I was left reliving several horrible things at once and it would take several days for me to calm them and put the away. (I bet I've made no sense whatsoever). The sessions I had were on the NHS and unfortunately I'm not in the position to pay privately at the moment for alternative help but it is something I will look into when I have the means.

This thread is a bit of a mind wobble for me but it helps.

The reality is that it is very difficult to take on board this new interpretation of you and your relationship. Do a lot of reading- there are many threads on here, or books - and little by little the way you perceive things changes. It takes time. And can't really be rushed. Good counsellors are hard to find. But as you find it hard to talk about write it all down. Then if you do go to counseling you can ask them to read it first.
Self awareness is a voyage that last a lifetime.

OP, your post makes perfect sense, that's how the mind holds trauma memories, how you describe it is a very common way of describing it.

If you choose therapy, you can tell your therapist up front that going deep into these things causes that reaction. If you choose to do it, maybe Google emdr and then if that seems right for you ask your GP for a specific referral for that.

But mostly, remember to be kind to yourself whenever you can, I really think that's the fist step

OP I think that we bury things like this because we just can't talk about them. It's too difficult.

I think that this is a great short term strategy, but in the long term suppressing them leads to illness and distress.

I also think that when we need to move to next phase and talk about them, the thoughts come bubbling up to the surface and you we end up doing things like starting threads on the internet about them... I'd take the fact that you created this thread as a sign that at some level you are ready to move on to the next phase.

Your right. I think I should maybe ignore anything to do with my marriage for the moment and concentrate on getting some real life help for the hiccup. I've been looking into things and there is a local woman only therapy service in my city that I think I will try first. I don't know if I should tell DH about it though?

If you're not sure, then don't for now. I think that's a sensible instinct.

I agree with Charlotte (great username btw). Find out more first, so you know what you would or wouldn't be telling your husband.

I don't know if I should tell DH about it though?

I don't think you should, but I'd be interested to hear what you think his reaction would be if you did?

I just think if i told him then he might feel upset that I hadn't fully gotten over it yet, but on the other hand he doesn't find lying acceptable so that might be worse.

op i am so so sorry to hear how cruel your husband has been. its a horrible comment. its what my exh used to say to me all the time. like you i never thought the things he said were that bad. even now i am surprised by this thread that so many people are so shocked by that comment. i also thought such things were normal.but it shows how bad it actually is. no one should say that to you especially not your partner who is meant to care for you the most. i really hope you can access help in whatever way you feel comfortable.

its only now i realise that i wasnt even actually fat when he said it even not now around size 10 but inside i feel enormous like i dont deserve to eat and i still believe even though i am single that i will always be too fat to so i just cant believe another man would genuinely want me intimately. please dont let this happen to you its horrible.

its only i think when you come across someone nice that you can see how bad this treatment is. i know you mentioned religion etc but surely one part of any marriage vows is treating each other kindly. he hasnt maintained those vows to you has he?

He doesn't find lying acceptable and he's a devout Christian but he has no problem with his gf being raped in another room so he can cheat?

I'm thrilled you're getting therapy. I think you will benefit massively from it. And I hope you benefit enough to see how much you are worth and how worthless this waste of space hypocrit really is.

FWIW I'm a practising Catholic (probably more 'lapsed' than practising). I don't give a shiny shit what my religion thinks I should do in these situations.

Abuse = divorce.

Do you think an all loving God, who sacrificed Himself for our eternal happiness intended for women to stay in marriages like this?

Don't let man made rules guilt you into thinking there's anything wrong with dumping this prick from a great height.