Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

Well done Ophelia.

How dare he sit there and lie to everyone about this. I'm not quite sure if I would be seething with rage or aghast at his stupidity in thinking you would never find out.

I agree with those who are against posting publicly on Facebook, however, I think you situation is unique in that he is STILL fibbing about what actually happened. Hopefully speaking to your mutual friend tonight has done the trick. If it doesn't I don't think it would be unreasonable to make a status to clear it up, keeping it factual and straight to the point.

Ophelia hope you're ok.

I just want to say that having been through this situation, please try not to get too bogged down about what H and WF are doing, and how, what, if or when you should post / text others announcing what he's done.

It doesn't change what he has done.

It doesn't change the situation.

It doesn't really matter what people think, and ultimately I know this might sound harsh - but it is true - ultimately it doesn't matter what he has told people- because in the end all that matters is that you get through this as quickly and healthily as possible.

In everything that you do keep your recovery as your main goal and intention and only do things that will move you forward with that.

Mutual friends? I personally wouldn't want anything to do with anybody who wanted to stay friends with us both.
Be careful about taking comfort from these mutual friends Ophelia - in the long term can you see them in your life as a genuine means of support?
It might make you feel a little better in the short term when they seem shocked by the reality of his behaviour - people will and do offer support in the early stages when there is gossip to be had and it can give a false sense of support.
Build up your resilience and self reliance and be careful about what you give or take from these people.

DO maintain your dignity - DONT post on FB because people will judge you by it and it could make things more upsetting for you.

At the end of the day Ophelia what does it matter what people think or don't think because of what he has or hasn't told them.
What he tells others is a reflection on him- not you.

This is all about you now. Your life. Your life with the twins. Sod the lot of them and get planning the rest of your life. You have some beautifully happy times ahead of you with your children - that I can assure you. You have moments to come Ophelia where you won't be crying tears of sadness you will be crying tears of happiness.

OpheliaRose, you only told the truth.

He is lying. You are not.

Really insightful post blessed.
In the future these people could be a potential pain / hindrance to your recovering.

Keep focus on you and children.

Wishing you a peaceful day. Xxx

Morning Phee, hope you got some well needed sleep last night.

Blessed's post is right and so is WinkyWinkola's. You've told the truth, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about, but if it turns out these 'mutual' friends are not the friends you thought they were (and it kind of sounds that way from your posts) then that's fine too.

Unfortunately you can't control their reactions to the truth and if it turns out they still don't care/mind then I would personally be re-evaluating my 'friends'.

It sounds as if you have some wonderful support in reality (some of it from unexpected quarters too!) so if these friends don't meet that high standard you're well within your rights to bin them. Your well being and that of your twins is what matters most in all of this. Xx

Thank you for a great postblessed

No messages from H so far so that's good.

Feeling very run down still and another very early start with the twins. It's looking like it will be a lovely day today as well so I guess we should go out and make the most of it. I feel really bad for not feeling motivated enough to go out and enjoy a sunny day.

In reality I just want to curl up on the sofa not speak to anyone and have a good old cry

Morning, well done, you have got your point across without having to put a cringy status, good stuff. It will take a while to get back to him I'd imagine this will be gossip for a while and eventually get back to him. Don't worry, you still kept your dignity, if you happen to get a chance to tell the same thing to another mouthy friend be sure to take it. It's Sunday, relax, whilst it may be sunny perhaps stay in the garden with some toys? Don't pressure yourself to make every day amazing, the twins will really enjoy the mundane ones where they get to play and use their imaginations.

Can you do a bit of both Phee? Day outside in the park and then an evening of peace and quiet and some TLC to look forward to?

I wonder if it would be worth planning some support for the medium term - e.g. people who can have the children for an hour on your Sunday afternoon?

How about a lazy morning followed by a picnic lunch at the park stay till 2, have an ice cream and then home again. Can play in garden or watch TV during pm. I admire you. If this were me, I'd be virtually living at my parents.

Also whilst they are not at school and you're not working weekends are not really any different. Can they stay at your parents some Saturdays?

I am so glad you are getting the truth out there now Ophelia.
Has it really been a week since H last saw the twins? Does he even enquire after them at all?
It does look like a lovely day - I hope you can enjoy it Phee.

Well done ophelia!

I would not have been able to stop posting a status, but the way you have done it is way more dignified....How very dare he paint himself as the wounded solider.

blessed post was good. In times like this you find out who your true friends really are, you also get the true measure of the person.....are they there to support or gain gossip!

Well done Phee, you definitely did the right thing, word will get out now and you don't have to be the one telling everyone. He will continue to carry on making himself look the victim, while everyone talks behind his back, but eventually someone will tell him they know, he'll be furious. It's actually good that they've been out together claiming to be just friends, because their behaviour has already raised suspicions, so he looks ridiculous.

You should take some comfort in the fact that he's lying about what's happened. I know that sounds weird, because it's a terrible thing for him to do. But, it shows that he knows deep down he's done wrong. You no longer need to feel like you're living in a strange parallel universe, where he thinks this is all normal, he's confirmed that he knows none of this is normal. He may never show this to your face, he's putting on an act to you, maybe he's a little in denial, but deep down, he knows.

I suspect when all this is over, many of your mutual friends will forgive him. Try not to let that hurt you, it's more of a reflection of them than of you. You're very young still and I doubt any of them has experienced anything even close to what you're going through, so they lack capacity to truly understand.

Please don't put yourself under pressure with the DTs. It's still early days. They're fed, they're clean, they're clothed and they're happy. You don't have to make plans to entertain them all day every day or enjoy the sunny day, they're fine.

Viv my only issue is they get up at 5 seem to have decided napping is a thing of the past and they've been a bit difficult to get to actually get to bed and sleep (8 most nights) that I'm exhausted by the one I get any time to myself and I'm often asleep again before 10 but I don't feel like I'm getting any quality TLC time or anything thing because I just end up thinking I need to be up again in x hours and the cycle begins again I know I sound like an ungrateful terrible mother

At least you know he has to lie to make what he did to you appear 'acceptable'.He has had to introduce the OW as a friend which highlights she is a dirty secret...she must feel very special..not.

This is the issue with people having affairs, the new relationship can never start on a solid footing,the lies and deception it will always been part of their joint past.

I know its incredibly painful to lose friends and my very best friend choose to stay mutual friends when I separated from my ex.It hurt like hell as we were childhood friends and shared everything together plus our children were close.I broke away from her and a while later she was desparate to repair our friendship but I had moved on and had got over her.

Mutual friends don't really exist in my opinion, they tend to be superficial friends who just want to maintain a large social circle. Hard to believe now but your life will be immeasurable better in a few years, I would not go back to where I was with ex for anything BUT the transition was painful however so worth it.

Keep the faith,your life will be so much better and it will get easier (especially with the children as age 2-3 was one of the difficult stages as they are so active but with little concentration)

You sound like a bloody hero. I have so much sympathy for you Phee. (And as a life-long early bird I feel a bit guilty).

Part of me thinks that this situation isn't tenable and is there anyone who could have the children for a night? The other part of me thinks how infuriating my opinion must be for single parents who manage so capably.

Good morning, Phee.

I've read this suggestion on another thread - pop into a biggish supermarket and buy yourself a tonic - think it's called 'ferraglobin' - packed with nutrients and iron. You just a take a spoonful a day and it's meant to put your zing back in God I should go into marketing You're only in the very earliest of stages of getting over a huge shock, you're not sleeping properly, your appetite is possibly not the greatest - all these will factor negatively on your immune system. Have a look for this stuff so at least you'll physically start feeling a little steadier.

I agree with the other ladies about staying over at your parents, or even having your parents have the DT's for a night a week. As much as you want to just curl up at the moment, you'll be surprised how an evening at the cinema with a friend or a walk followed by a coffee etc will lift you just the tiniest of bits. It takes effort to get dressed and go, but it's these small, baby steps that you need to make Phee. Small alternations that will start shaping your new life. Nothing big - far too soon - but start small.

Not sure what your progress is re FB, so forgive me if I'm pushing the wrong issue here, but start spring cleaning your FB today. For your own sanity.

Strength to you.

Blessed is right - don't waste your energy worrying about what STBXH is doing and saying.

You are your first priority now. Your twins need you to be well, so do good, nice things for yourself as often as possible.

Can you go for a walk in the sunshine to see the bluebells today? Are your parents free? Do they want to go for a picnic or pub lunch? Maybe with your DB too?

Try to think of something good you will do for yourself each day, even if it's just small things like putting on some nail varnish or trying a new type of tea or coffee.

Phee you don't sound like a terrible mother.
I'm going through a similar thing with my two and it's truly exhausting. I often go to bed with them just to survive the next day.

It's really hard and going through it with a broken heart takes even more energy out of you.

Being able to get up (even if the TV is used like it currently is here), feed them anything and put one foot in front of the other is a win.

You are doing so well. For all the support you've had here try and remember that there are hundreds more women caring for you at this time.

Good luck with today

You are not a terrible mother!

You need to treat yourself kindly. You need to utilise the support you have from your parents friends. Go visit them and let them help you.

Also, you mention that the DT are not napping (my DC stopped naps at 2 1/2), are waking early/sleeping late. Could they be over tired? After a certain point at night my DC gets her second wind and if we try to put her to sleep then, she is just too hyper. What worked with us, was doing everything earlier. Bath at 6.15 (for 20 mins half an hour), stories and then milk. DC would then fall asleep within five minutes at 7-7.15.

Also, when DC goes through a phase of waking early I tend to go to bed at 9ish, just so I can function.

viv I just worry I look pathetic and whingey Comapred to all single parents that cope every day! I also feel such an idiot for not realising how tough it is doing it all
Alone and being a big smug about how much I enjoyed and found being a SAHM easy. My experience since doing it alone is a lot different.

Twins want me to play with them or watch them all the time. I've tired putting the TV on sitting on the sofa while they play near by but they constantly want me and I can't handle the crying or tantrums that follow when I say mummy needs a rest.

Ninety and Getri thank you for your posts

You're not a terrible mother. Sorry to be blunt but your ex is a terrible father. He does not think about anyone but himself.

I think that the label "smug married" is very unhelpful. It seems to be creating a real sense of shame in you. It's not accurate and it's not kind.