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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 16/05/2015 22:00

Private group or a great idea. You can say also that you understand this puts them in a difficult position but you felt it was fruit on them and you to have the facts.

MerryMarigold · 16/05/2015 22:01

Fruit?????- FAIR

Stinkersmum · 16/05/2015 22:01

Sorry, I have to be honest and say I think putting anything like that as a status on FB is Jeremy Kyle worthy.

Jackw · 16/05/2015 22:03

Well, I think we knew he was trying to hide the truth with all that "the marriage was rocky" nonsense. He obviously can see that the truth is not going to paint him in a good light so, insensitive as he seems to be, at least we know that he does have a guilty conscience.

Well done for contacting the friend and telling the real story. Yes, hopefully that will get around now.

I do understand how you would feel so much better if everyone would cut him out and be on your side but unfortunately, people other than close friends and family, generally choose not to get too involved and remain neutral. Also, people are often afraid of causing a scene/ bad feeling so even if they disapprove they don't do anything about it in order to maintain civilised relationships. So if he is putting himself and her out and about while you hide yourself away and lick your wounds, it will look as if they are choosing him over you but it's only social politeness.

You have family who love and support you and your lovely best friend and the people from your old job sound like they really value you. He is desperately and shamelessly trying to validate his despicable behaviour and new relationship. Like everyone is saying, the people who are worth having in your life will be there when the fog clears.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 16/05/2015 22:03

Hooty that was my thoughts as well but maybe if I include all my friends as well. It's really hard to know what's beats. I thought not airing my laundry would leave me looking less pathetic and petty. I was going for dignified but it's just allowing H to unerplay OW part in the breakdown and destruction of our marriage

Stinkers see this links back to me feeling like a right idiot for being a smug married perviously as I have also cringed at people putting personal stuff like that over Facebook.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 16/05/2015 22:05

Nothing wrong with going for dignified Phee.

Rosieliveson · 16/05/2015 22:05

Could you not just text a few mutual friends (the mouthy ones) with a brief message along the lines of...

Some of you may know that I discovered H has been having an affair with his colleague (name). When I found out, he left us for her. I'm sure you'll understand that this is a difficult time but I hope to stay in touch and be back on the social scene once the dust has settled.

I think people deserve to have the option of the truth. It's not right that he is out there touting for sympathy but secretly flaunting his adultery. You are right though. Facebook is not the place.

Vivacia · 16/05/2015 22:06

(Stinkers you are probably right, but as I say, I can't stand FB and don't use it).

MerryMarigold · 16/05/2015 22:07

I think it depend on your relationship with Fb. Some people post a lot and is their main form of communication so it's fine. I do think a group is better idea so you're not announcing it to that random person you met on holiday or your ex boss. But it could be construed as trying to win friends so I would acknowledge that your intention is just to give the facts.

Wristy · 16/05/2015 22:08

In the end it's what you would feel happy with, and not just a brief, take that you bastards, and then feel like an arse.

It's what you're comfortable with. If you decide to let them all know the truth just be prepared for more of his snivelling me, me, me, why did you tell my friends bollocks.

Xx

HootyMcTooty · 16/05/2015 22:09

I wouldn't normally do relationship posts on FB, it's a bit cringy, but my concern here is he's surreptitiously getting all your friends support by being dishonest about the facts.

By doing it on a status, brief, to the point, factual, it's out there, it's just you telling your friends what's gone on. A private group would be better, but don't just include your mutual friends or it will look like you're the one trying to get the friends. Ultimately Phee, do whatever makes you more comfortable, but I really think you should do something IMO.

MerryMarigold · 16/05/2015 22:12

Yeah I can imagine a text. You should have mentioned you were going to tell people the truth, especially when I'm going through such a DARK TIME.

HootyMcTooty · 16/05/2015 22:15

Yes he will text. "Why did you have to tell people the truth? Why are you trying to make me a bad guy? Why didn't you warn me about the letter? Why? Why? Why?"

He doesn't want/expect you to take any control over this situation at all. He expects to get away with it all.

BalloonSlayer · 16/05/2015 22:22

You can send a photo to "custom" in which you name particular people whom you ONLY want to see it. Can you do the same with a message?

If not you could either send an innocuous photo or a pic of you and the twins to selected people and add the explanation to that.

CaveMum · 16/05/2015 22:26

On my Facebook app (iPad) you have the option of sharing your status with "Friends except.." Where you deliberately select the people you don't want to see it. Could you post a status update where the "except" is soon to be exDH?

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 16/05/2015 22:28

Ok I sort of went for it. I had Facebook open and another mutual friend who was also at this party wedding thing was online so I said hi.

We had a bit of a chat (they asked how I was) I said I wasn't great especially today as I'd seen they'd all been partying last night with H and the woman he cheated on me with then left me for. This was news to the mutual friend. She said obviously everyone knows you've split up and the rumour is that he was cheating but he's not confirmed that and she confirmed he's letting people believe I kicked him out. I asked how he explained OW presence and she said she was told when he arrived with OW that H had come with a really good friend from work who was helping him trough the dark time. It wasn't until they where both drunk that they started to kiss qnd act a bit more coupley. Apparent it caused a few comments last night and today when the photos where posted the girl I was chatting to said a few people had been gossiping about them but they didn't think he'd have the balls to bring the woman he cheated with to a party like that! They assumed they where friends and drunk.

I said I didn't want to look like the pretty crazy ex wife but I'd been really hurt by the pictures and also the other friend who's posted them. I understand A lot of them are friends with both of us so i don't expect people to take sides but I was genuinely shocked people would open the OW who destroyed yes my marriage with open arms.

We finished the chat with her saying we should meet for coffee etc (although I expect she just wants the gossip) however she is a bit of a loud mouth and I'm sure will tell whoever she was gossiping with earlier the new Intel she's learned!

Possibly not my most dignified moment but I feel it's a way of getting it out there without making some crazy dramatic status

OP posts:
BifsWif · 16/05/2015 22:29

Do you have one or two 'gossipy' mutual friends Ophellia? So that if you or your brother/friend told them, they would 'accidentally' let it slip out to a few more people, who in turn would tell a few more..?

BifsWif · 16/05/2015 22:30

Xpost!! Well done for telling her the truth. How dare he?!

Vivacia · 16/05/2015 22:33

"Tough times" Angry

Well done OP.

Wristy · 16/05/2015 22:34

I would've embarrassed myself umpteen times over in your position. Let the loudmouth loose!!!

Like I said just brace yourself for his self indulgent 'how could you, the least you could have done' type message.

I'm off to bed, hugs Phee. Xx

MerryMarigold · 16/05/2015 22:34

Well done ophelia

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 16/05/2015 22:36

wristy I'm expecting those text but my response in my head right now is"how dare you take your Trollope to a party with out friends and publicly humiliate me"

OP posts:
Wristy · 16/05/2015 22:42

Good response!!! Xx

Akifden · 16/05/2015 22:47

Great job Ophelia well done for taking control! Hope she's s really really loud loud mouth Grin

Joysmum · 16/05/2015 22:54

By just inviting your mutual friends it will look like you're trying to win the friends

Totally agree.