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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 16/05/2015 14:40

Sorry Ophelia that sounds hectoring. I don't blame you for not doing that, just trying to give some of your friends the benefit of the doubt.

Ledkr · 16/05/2015 14:47

oph I think my heart would have broken if I'd been on fb when my split happened as ex and ow are very "facebooky" it was enough when people told me stuff without seeing it.

Remember that they are in the Honeymoon period right now. They have not formed their relationship on normal terms, so far it's been sordid and exciting and they have had illicit meetings.
Now it's all in the open and they are living a "normal life" it will be pretty hard to keep this up.
The fact that they are so completely blinkered to your feelings and how their actions have hurt people, shows me that they are still in that heady, pheromone phase which simply cannot last, real life will bite them on the arse as they do not have the foundations to cope.

You have turned a corner this week, the pictures are a blow but only a minor set back, keep on keeping on.

My funny friend said this to me once, soon after my break up.

"Of course you can bloody cope, you have arms and legs don't you?!"

sumbodi · 16/05/2015 14:50

Agree with Viv.
You know he is rewriting history. The only question you need to ask yourself is do you care about what other people think.
Yes? Then get the truth out there.
No? Delete them from facebook and concentrate on the things you do care about.

There is no right or wrong here...just your decision and your feelings.

LucieMay88 · 16/05/2015 15:26

Ophelia I totally understand how you feel about the Facebook photos. It's a horrible feeling.

When my DP left me suddenly for someone else, he had a night out at one of our favourite restaurants with the woman and all our mutual friends. I felt they were really rubbing my nose in it. Tons of group selfies with him and her smiling, pictures of them hugging together, everyone looking happy etc and it really hurt. One of the mutual friends even put the group selfie as a cover photo on Facebook knowing I'd see it.

These were people I trusted and regarded as friends. People I'd known for years and they were all over this new woman and not one of them contacted me to ask how I was. You learn who your friends are in situations like this. I blocked them all and found new friends who were worth my time.

It will get easier.

alwaysstaytoolong · 16/05/2015 15:36

Ophelia - you can't understand the reactions of others and you can't control them either.

It hurts but they won't be social pariahs. It seems unjust but that is the way of the world.

Try not to be upset about people who don't really matter. Because those people on FB don't matter. You'll know who your friends are and they're the people to concentrate on.

You're still doing really well. You'll just keep getting better and better too.

bjrce · 16/05/2015 16:15

I remember working in a company years ago, one of my best friends "fat arse" at the time started an affair with a married man "pizza face", he had two DDs.
They thought no one understood them. She fell out with everyone at work, no one had any time for them, even through we were all still civil. They put on such a brave face.
It finally got so bad for them they decided to still work for the company in a different country.

I will never forget their going away drinks night.
Pizza face ( obviously had bad acne as a teenager) had been drinking quite a bit and was obviously annoyed about something someone said to him. He decided to take it out on "Fat Arse", they were about to leave and as he stood up, she asked him to pass her jacket, I will never forget what he did next, he stood up picked, up the jacket and fired it straight at her face, it was such a humiliating thing to do.
She looked straight at me and I looked straight at her and neither of us said a word, but she knew exactly what I was thinking " You really got your prize now". He was an arrogant arsehole, she was going to have a miserable life with him.

HootyMcTooty · 16/05/2015 18:19

I'm going to go a little against the grain and say don't be too upset that some mutual friends have befriended her. I think you're right to block them on FB, you don't need to see them being happy amongst your friends, but you don't know what they've been told.

I'm also going to get flamed for this, but if a really good friend of mine did what he did, I wouldn't necessarily cut them out of my life. However, I wouldn't befriend his new shag-piece, I'd tell him exactly what I thought and I would have reached out to you to tell you I didn't approve. This is what makes me think his friends don't know the truth.

Wristy · 16/05/2015 18:41

Of course they don't know the truth, which of them would own up to that? Unfortunately the truth will only come from you and only if you wish to share it.

If that had been my wedding/party and I knew the truth I'd have simply asked them to leave such is the extent of my disapproval!

Like I said earlier I'm not on Facebook so don't understand all the timeline, notification and tagging nonsense (and from the sound of it I'd have no wish to), but if I was faced with that every day when I'm trying to get over what you are then I'd be wanting a break too.

Hugs for you Phee Xx

TakemeforwhatIam · 16/05/2015 19:56

i think you did the right thing blocking them, and no I don't think anyone has been to the truth. He wouldn't have the balls to be honest, why start now? I can also see how hard and infuriating it is to know that they don't know the truth. I had an ex who used to lie about me all the time and make me out to be crazy but I couldn't say anything because no matter what I said I'd look petty and quite possibly crazy, damned if you do damned if you don't. Just keep blocking the ones who come up as being her friend or putting up insensitive photos, the message will come across loud and clear without a word leaving your mouth.

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 16/05/2015 21:37

Thanks for all the support.

I know I should put my side out there but I feel like airing it in such a public way just makes me look a bit crazy and pathetic with some desperate and petty on top.

I messaged the friend who put it up saying very basically that I was really hurt they would have OW and H at a party so soon after he cheated and left me. They said they knew he'd cheated and we'd split because of it (although the assumption seems to be I kicked him out not that he left me for her) but he hasn't confirmed OW was the girl he's cheated with he just said when he said when asked who she was that she was the one who was helping him get through this dark time. She did say she was sorry for putting the pictures up and that if she'd realised she would have not included those. And that she was sorry we'd split.

I clarified he left me for her and that I was grateful it hadn't been done on purpose. Unfortunately she replied very nicely that she would like to stay friend with H and Me so would also support me and welcome anyone I choose to move onto or spend my life with.

So it's clear not all the facts are out there and he's prob using the she kicked me out for pity / cover for the OW being his support but hopefully this mutual friend will low set the record straight. It does show however that some of our friends intend to stay on the fence and just except new people in ... I guess I can't ask more than that and it's not like they're picking H ...

OP posts:

HoggleHoggle · 16/05/2015 21:43

These people are so very strange. I would really, truly judge a friend who cheated even if I wasn't also friends with the person they cheated on. When you're also mutual friends it's just incredible that you could be so blasé about this type of behaviour. And as for this 'open door' policy for new partners, fuck that quite frankly.

These people are all as bad as each other. I'm glad the pictures weren't put up on purpose but the lack of foresight that this would be hurtful is almost as bad. It's been a month for god sake! What's wrong with these people????

Well done you for being in touch with her though, glad you're sticking up for yourself. You're doing so well.

HoggleHoggle · 16/05/2015 21:44

Also I can't believe he has the fall to refer to his 'dark times'. He's really just beyond deluded and doesn't have an ounce of awareness that HE has caused all this.

HoggleHoggle · 16/05/2015 21:45

The first sentence should read the gall!

Wristy · 16/05/2015 21:47

DARK TIMES??!!!!

They wouldn't be so dark if you didn't spend them in a cupboard getting blowjobs!!!

HootyMcTooty · 16/05/2015 21:48

"this dark time"? "THIS DARK TIME"???? Fucking hell. This is all his own fucking doing, this is your dark time not his!

It's time to get the truth out there. Maybe a brief FB status update "some of you will have heard on the grapevine, DH left me for the woman he has been having an affair with at work. This has been a difficult time for me, but DTs and I will be fine. Please bear with us while we get used to our new life."

Vivacia · 16/05/2015 21:48

hopefully this mutual friend will low set the record straight.

I think that there's a better chance she'll keep your confidence.

SignoraStronza · 16/05/2015 21:51

You can do a lot better than this 'friend' Phee. She should be outraged at his behaviour and sounds rather immature, dressed up as being all 'right on'.
I'm wondering if perhaps you were one of the first couples in your friendship group to marry and have kids? I have far less tolerance for shitty behaviour like this as I've got older and could not remain friends with someone who treated another human being like that.
Delete and block. Might be worth having similar conversations with other friends and spring the wheat from the chaff so to speak. You don't really want to run the risk of your life from hereafter being picked over and dissected by the 'group'.

MerryMarigold · 16/05/2015 21:54

I think you need to get it out in the open Ophelia. Not in a crazy way, just factual. He's deceiving people and painting you in a dark light. The sheer cheek of it astounds me. I would include how long it has been going on and that you discovered it by accident. Then that's a line drawn under it. Finito. No need to express drama on a daily basis but i gel is only fair to other people and top yourself to get the truth out there in a calm and dignified way.

Stinkersmum · 16/05/2015 21:54

Ophelia 'I know I should put my side out there but I feel like airing it in such a public way just makes me look a bit crazy and pathetic with some desperate and petty on top.'

You're right, it would, unfairly but still, make you look all those things. Please don't make any statuses out of terrible situation. Facebook is not the platform for it. I cringe when FB friends of mine plaster such personal things over a social networking site.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/05/2015 21:55

I would also put the truth out there as hooty suggested. Or something like:
'As you know it was a shock when dh left me and the twins to be with the woman he'd been having an affair with at work but I just want to thank all my lovely and supportive friends who've got me through this horrible time. xxx"

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 16/05/2015 21:56

My friend suggested I start a private group invite all our mutual friends and just make a post there with the facts

OP posts:

Wristy · 16/05/2015 21:56

Phee, I'm bloody raging here (could be the) I cannot believe the cheek of this man and this woman who have so willingly hurt you.

I'd have to agree with HoggleHoggle in never understanding these 'friends' who sit on the fence and just shrug at this behaviour. I'd be giving them a piece of my mind (but I'm a gobby bitch with equally gobby friends!!).

Hugs and

HootyMcTooty · 16/05/2015 21:58

By just inviting your mutual friends it will look like you're trying to win the friends.

Stinkersmum · 16/05/2015 21:58

Phee, that sounds like a better idea. Make it a private group message, or whatsapp etc.

Vivacia · 16/05/2015 21:59

I think that the one off, dignified status with mention of taking a break from FB is the way to go, rather than messing about with a group.

(Saying that, I wouldn't even be on FB).

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