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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 16/05/2015 09:24

Please block him and her on Facebook - then those pics won't be visible to you.

HexBramble · 16/05/2015 09:24

Sorry - probably not helpful. I'm ranting.

But again, WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?

BathtimeFunkster · 16/05/2015 09:26

Do you use Facebook yourself as a way of keeping up with friends (in particular, groups of friends) who you would like to stay in contact with?

If so, don't isolate yourself by cutting yourself off from a way of contacting them that is convenient and habitual.

You might as well get rid of your phone because someone phoned and gave you bad news.

You are only seeing these things because of shit people who are doing them and publicising them.

You can cut yourself off from those people without making it harder to have low level contact with people you value.

If you don't care for Facebook much, then come off it. But if you use it a lot I'm not sure now is the time to make it harder to keep in touch with friends.

Lilacflower · 16/05/2015 09:51

That's awful to see. Agree with PP - don't come off Facebook just block him and her and delete the "friends" who added her on Facebook or invite them to events because they're not your friends.

You're doing really well don't let this set you back they deserve each other. Just have a lovely weekend with your twins x

Weebirdie · 16/05/2015 09:52

Ophelia pls remember there is a difference between a fb friend and a real friend and you real friend is the person helping you through this.

Please use her as an example of a friend and anyone in your life who isn't like her - get rid of them. Especially the ones on FB.

We have suggested leaving FB for a while but it's something you have taken on board.

Pls do it now.

Xx

Weebirdie · 16/05/2015 09:53

Haven't taken on board.

Not have

bjrce · 16/05/2015 10:01

I am sorry, but as a matter of interest, do you know who posted the pictures on FB, some people can be very cruel.

Its as if he wanted you to see them. You really do need to come off FB, don't let him know you saw them. That's disgusting. Obviously showing you he wasn't too upset last night.
Care, he's going to get nasty.
The next thing will be he'll be demanding to see the kids and complaining about the finances, he will look to give you as little as possible. He is pissed off right now.

I know its hard for you right now, but you are seriously better off without him.

On the DCs, one thing I find brilliant, empty cardboard boxes, just put them on the kitchen floor, keeps mine entertained for hours, drawing, coloring, sometimes I cut in windows and doors and the have a great time. I just sit back and drink my coffee in peace.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/05/2015 10:11

In many cases there is no difference between a "real" friend and a Facebook friend.

People use FB as a way to keep in touch with their "real" friends.

Hectoring Ophelia over and over again to remove herself from a possible source of real life support and fun is really quite suspect.

It is not only possible, but very easy, to excise the ex and WF from her feed.

It's a valid option if Facebook is something she uses regularly to keep in touch with people who know her in real life.

Smooshface · 16/05/2015 10:13

I think there is a setting to 'unsubscribe' from people, if you don't want to totally leave, I would go onto any mutual friends and unsubscribe from them for now (if you don't want to see pics). Jellyfish again :(

Smooshface · 16/05/2015 10:15

If you click on their profile and untick 'follow' that should hopefully get them off your feed for now?

TheFormidableMrsC · 16/05/2015 10:17

Insensitive bastards. I couldn't have coped with that at all, bless you. Block them all or do what I did and have a break from it all. They are not your friends, otherwise they wouldn't post shit like that. Please get rid of these people darling, for your own sanity x

Cherryapple1 · 16/05/2015 10:22

If you block them then you won't see any pics of him or her but you can still keep your existing friends.

Charley50 · 16/05/2015 10:26

It might be that he's told friends your split was mutual amicable etc. It seems hurtful but I don't think it's deliberate. A couple of parents at my DS school split up and the exDW immediately introduced new DP to everyone and involved him in activities / social events etc. It seemed a bit weird to me but as I didn't know them very well it wasn't for me to judge. Maybe there is a bit of that going on?
We are big on balloon tennis with bat n ball bats, giant cardboard boxes, marble run, play dough.

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 16/05/2015 10:29

Morning Ophelia.

Thinking of you and sending a hug.

One of the silver linings of this situation ( there are some I promise it can just take a real long time for them to come to light) is that you actually realise who are the decent human beings in your life, the ones worthy of your loving kindness and energies.

The unlikeliest of people will step forward to rally for you , they may not stay in your life longer than a short while, but those sorts of people and their compassionate actions really DO leave a lasting impression , a comforting memory one that restores your faith in people.

Other people, who you may have invested in over the years just won't step up - I sadly realised that my cousin had befriended OW on FB after very similar circumstances to you. They had also known of his affair for a long time.

It really made me reevaluate where I channel my energies and love in life.
I really don't stretch myself thin anymore trying to make time for people unless they are my close loved ones. I became more focussed- I really live in the present moment now- and my user name "blessed&grateful" was created during the time of Hs departure because I eventually realised that I was , blessed&grateful for my DC, for my values , and for the way that I had kept my dignity throughout.

Keep going Ophelia your doing it, your coping, you are recovering and WILL be happy again x

GERTI · 16/05/2015 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BathtimeFunkster · 16/05/2015 10:40

Unfriending them or unsubscribing from their activity will work for insensitive mutual friends.

But you need to block both your ex and WF to stop them appearing in your feed or friend suggestions. It means you will be virtually invisible to them on FB.

Weebirdie · 16/05/2015 12:21

Hectoring Ophelia over and over again to remove herself from a possible source of real life support and fun is really quite suspect.

Who has done this Bathtime? And why is it suspect?

sumbodi · 16/05/2015 13:13

Hope you are ok today Phee...
You know that FB is just like a film trailer....they just show the best bits. The actual film is just a straight to dvd pile of shite. Not worth watching at all.
Hugs xx

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 16/05/2015 13:38

Sorry we've been out to the park and into twin to get a few bits for the house.

I have blocked him on FB he was just in a few of the pictures this mutual friend put up it didn't appear in my feed because he was tagged. I've now blocked this mural friend and a few others that where also at the event. It may seem a bit harsh but i don't want people who think it's ok to have him and his OW there acting like a normal happy family especially as a month ago we where a happy married couple so it feels like she is just taking my place Sad I can't te if it was a wedding or some other kind of party but it's not one I was invited to so either H was invited originally and didn't tell me or he and WF were invited after.
It's not just the hurt of seeing them together in pictures it's the fact that he is obviously having fun and also that prolly jobwere our friends for years that I thought were my friends are happy to accept the situation into their lives!

I guess maybe that's unfair but none of them have reached out to me to show any level of support so they were maybe never my friends which is very hard and painful to deal with honestly. People you shared tons of memories with and though we're friends ...

I spoke with my friend earlier about it as her and her DC came to the park with us and she said she had a similar thing when her relationship ended. People she thought were good friends didn't get in contact but told other mutual friends they thought she didn't like them because she didn't talk to them but her thoughts where if you cooks my even be bothered to text and say are you on or I know yo and x have slept hut just son you know we're still here for you / your friends then why would she go chasing them

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 16/05/2015 13:40

Sorry the typing in that messages is awful. I'm rather tired and feeling a bit upset

OP posts:
GERTI · 16/05/2015 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sumbodi · 16/05/2015 13:44

Doesn't sound harsh at all. I think you are being very dignified by simply blocking them. I would have been sending them very straight to the point messages first...but I know that your response is better. Blush

TurnipCake · 16/05/2015 13:46

Well done on blocking him and the flaky friends; you're taking positive steps in setting your boundaries and protecting yourself. You'll look back on this and post yourself on the back, because it's a hard thing to do.

Anything nice planned for the day?

Rosieliveson · 16/05/2015 13:48

You are doing the right thing. Just remember, her presence doesn't always mean acceptance. Once people know the circumstances of their start up, men will always think she's easy and women will always see that she's a home wrecker!
You have been do much more dignified than I. Maybe once the divorce has gone through favourably you could take a full page ad in the local paper. Cheating bastard and cheap home wrecker, you deserve each other Wink
Stay strong Flowers

Vivacia · 16/05/2015 14:36

I guess maybe that's unfair but none of them have reached out to me to show any level of support so they were maybe never my friends which is very hard and painful to deal with honestly. People you shared tons of memories with and though we're friends

You don't know what story they've been told. This is why people were suggesting that you put up a simple, factual status on FB before he got his version out there.