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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 15/05/2015 21:53

Thanks again for all the great advice

Had a very chilled out evening watching dirty dancing with my candles lit! I think it's the first time I've actually enjoyed something and laughed properly since H left if I'm honest.

A girl I worked with perviously popped round tonight with a box of chocolates and an orchid for me. She said shed tears what had happened through some people at work and had toyed with the idea of coming round for a few days but wasn't sure if I'd be offended but then decided to do it anyway because she hated the idea I thought no one cares. It was very sweet we knew each other but I wouldn't say we're great friends so I was really touched. She said she couldn't stay long as had to meet her boyfriend but said when i haven't got the twins I should let her know and we could go out or something.

OP posts:

Rosieliveson · 15/05/2015 22:00

How lovely of your colleague. It's nice to know people are on your side and rooting for you. It's even nicer when those people being chocolate So glad you have had a nice evening too. Hope you can sleep well tonight x

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/05/2015 22:02

My God, I can't believe the cheek of this man I can, I had one like that. Don't respond at all to the "could have", as many others have said, he "could have" warned you he was going to get his cock out in the office and then let you find out about his grubby little affair in a more dignified manner. He's not worth responding to. I agree with others, OW may well be thinking "holy shit"...you're a wife on a mission and he deserves no mercy and neither does she. I am coming from a position where I KNOW what you're going through because I still am...and I wish I had done and said some things differently. I have lost my dignity terribly along the way, as can be expected, but you are doing ALL the right things my darling.

In terms of your little ones. My DS was 2 1/2 when H left, he is now 4. He also has Aspergers. Indeed, he loves his (very limited) time with his father BUT he knows who his Mum is and who is there 24/7. I remember one of the nursery assistants assuring me when DS was crying for daddy that he would be doing exactly the same with him and crying for mummy. Obviously you don't want them to cry, but what I am saying is, you are the 100% constant in their lives and they will know that. If I told you of the amount of people I know whose kids have totally lost interest in their Disney dad's within a few years, you'd be surprised. I can't lie and say these situations don't affect them, they do, but it is down to you how much. You are doing brilliantly. I hope you are getting as much comfort as I did from MN in these early days and continue to do so (as I do too!). I still rant away on my thread. Sending hugs and and xx

Vivacia · 15/05/2015 22:09

It was very sweet we knew each other but I wouldn't say we're great friends so I was really touched.

This really makes you think, doesn't it? All the times we have an idea but don't go with it just in case.

I'd be so tempted to ask fuckwit, "The least you could expect based upon what? Can you explain that to me?".

Mrsbird311 · 15/05/2015 22:14

A friend of mine got together after a one night stand at work Xmas party, he was her boss and married, everyone at work was disgusted by what they did so they closed ranks and he left his wife for her, they are now married and she spends her whole time panicking when he's even ten mins late from work as she is now home with their kids and knows exactly what the man she married is capable of. She is miserable and wishes she'd never got with him but feels she got what she deserves !! And he's a dick!!!

crapfatbanana · 15/05/2015 22:41

Your twins will always think you're a wonderful mum. It's the little day to day things they will remember when they grow up. Things that become part of their fabric.

Things my twins liked at 2/3:

'Dusting' - ie letting them loose with a pack of wipes.
Playing with dough. Just plain pastry dough.
Bringing the little tikes slide and see saw indoors to play on as a treat.
Taking all the cushions off the sofa to clamber on.
Feeding the pigs at a local farm shop.
Watering plants/planting seeds
Threading pasta tubes
Sitting in big cardboard boxes or the laundry basket and being pulled around
Play fighting and tickle monsters
Stickers, bubbles and balloons

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 15/05/2015 22:49

Two things

Firstly, you are their mum, your twins will never ever prefer their now part time dad to the person who is the one constant in their life.

Secondly, give it time but I think you may find you really dodged a bullet by this knob revealing himself when he did.

Good luck OW.

TurnipCake · 16/05/2015 00:13

Gosh, do I detect a hint of him being a little rattled?

Film and candles sounds lovely. Sometimes I like to have dinner by candlelight (sounding v Mrs Bucket there!)

Weebirdie · 16/05/2015 03:58

Had a very chilled out evening watching dirty dancing with my candles lit! I think it's the first time I've actually enjoyed something and laughed properly since H left if I'm honest.

You will start to have more and more of these moments and though you may not like to hear this - you will start to realise that a lot of your previous life had gone on making someone else happy whilst not getting much out of it yourself.

BlisterFace · 16/05/2015 04:12

Another one de-lurking to give you a virtual hug. I know you won't see it now Ophelia but you really have dodged a massive bullet. My parents split when I was the same age as your DT's now and I never really forgave my DF (now dead) for his twattish cheating behaviour. I am sure when DT's are grown they will look back on this time and wonder where you got all your amazing strength and dignity from.

Dumdedumdedum · 16/05/2015 05:31

Good morning, Phee! I do hope you slept a bit better last night. Delighted to read about your lovely colleague and your dirty dancing yesterday!
You know you are doing the right thing, taking charge of your life, painful as it is, and dealing with your STBXH's behaviour straightforwardly. He still doesn't appear to realise that he set the ball rolling with his behaviour and anything legitimate you do to protect yourself and your children is purely a result of his own actions. You are allowed to take things at your own pace, not at any pace he tries to dictate now he's walked out on you. If that makes sense?
I tend to agree that WF got one hell of a shock when he left you - I'm betting she saw him as a bit of fun, and never expected it to get so serious, so quickly. I don't think they'll still be together for that wedding in September. He's completely in lust, and she - who knows, who cares? Either way, you have seen his true colours. On the other hand, if he comes crawling back to you when it's over, no one will blame you if you agree to take him back.
I'm sorry, I can't advise on entertaining the twins - mine is an only and I took her to nursery very early on so that she would have other children to interact with. Our lives consisted also of a lot of play dates. I'm another who believed in "down time" for her, not that she ever enjoyed reading or being read to - at least until she was old enough for Harry Potter!
I hope you have a very good day with the children today. And find another film that makes you laugh, this evening!
{{{{{Virtual hugs}}}}}

Losingmyreligion · 16/05/2015 05:40

Omg Ophelia. He really has convinced himself this was a mutual separation hasn't he. What a deluded tosspot. The man lacks any moral compass.

Weebirdie · 16/05/2015 05:51

Ophelia, have you ever watched Dirty Rotten Scoundrels?

Its a film that never fails to make me laugh even though Ive watched it about 17 times. Its not a romance, its just bloody good fun.

The Banger Sister's is another one.

And if you fancy a bit of murder type stuff the Double Jeopardy is great.

GERTI · 16/05/2015 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HexBramble · 16/05/2015 07:40

Hi Phee

Yes, that lady sounds lovely. I hope you're a little reassured that people are shocked and saddened for you and think badly of him and WF?

GERTI's post at 18:37 - I agree with her. It's going to come. Be prepared for your Mum or Dad or DBro to perhaps act as buffer and read first or at least be with you to read it together. This idiot man-child is getting rattled.

My DD's loved den building indoors - blankets draped over chairs and duvets underneath for them to crawl in and out of.

Hugs to you Phee.
KOKO.

HexBramble · 16/05/2015 07:41

GERTI's post at 18:27

Original poster

OpheliaRose · 16/05/2015 07:52

Twins where up every early today. I had the weirdest dream about H. He came round to tell me a secret that he'd already cheated on OW 3 times and admitted to other people on our marriage. When I woke up I was very confused I couldn't work out if it was real or not. I know that sounds silly!

I definitely need to come off Facebook. I haven't really checked it since the other day but had s notification today of something someone posted on my wall but as I was scrolling through the news feed H came up in some mutual friends pictures from a party by the looks of it a wedding he's obviously been to last night. The first pictures were just of him having a laugh and looking a bit drunk but then I could see in the background him dancing with OW and kissing her and the final picture was him and the OW sat at a table her kissing his cheek him looking very happy. I feel sick now

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 16/05/2015 08:11

You don't need to come off Facebook if you enjoy using it.

It's not Facebook that is hurting you here, it's the prick of a man you were married to and his disloyal, wanker mates.

If you block him and them you can still use it and not have to see your replacement with that cheap piece of crap rubbed in your face.

Unlike others I don't think OW is freaked out by what has happened since D Day. I suspect she is loving her triumph over you.

The person most likely to (eventually) get rattled by the speed at which his life has come apart and been replaced with a similar one except being a daddy to someone else's kid, is him.

But who knows.

Rosieliveson · 16/05/2015 08:12

What a horrible thing to see. This is why brain bleach should be invented. Try to put them out of your mind. Happiness gained through so much hurt simply cannot last.
Today is a new day. Do you have plans?

GERTI · 16/05/2015 08:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eminthebigsmoke · 16/05/2015 09:13

You should ditch the mutual 'friends' who think it's okay to a) friend WF b) invite her to events with h or c) post pics of the two of them together, presumably knowing you will see them.

They have either bought into the crap he's telling then about your split, or don't care about your feelings. Sounds like his mates are as emotionally dead as he is.

Have a good purge, then your news feed will be full of people you care about, who care about you.

Phoenix0x0 · 16/05/2015 09:15

Get off FB. Now.

It will save you seeing crap like this.

SuffolkNWhat · 16/05/2015 09:17

I agree with PP a FB holiday is needed.

But do you know what the best thing is? He is, for the first time, on the back foot! He didn't think you'd actually go through with it and divorce him. That will have shaken him up no end.

You have the power back now Phee and are doing brilliantly.

LastNightADJSavedMyLife · 16/05/2015 09:22

We had friends where he cheated on her with the OW and because the groom was a cock was his friend he insisted the cheater come, and he brought OW.

It was dreadful, she was trying to smile and be friendly - just ignored by all the women, and the blokes avoided them both generally. this cloud of discomfort followed them all evening.

So it doesn't mean they had a great time just because they were there.

HexBramble · 16/05/2015 09:23

Please, before you have a FB holiday (and you really must - please spare yourself) please friend someone from this thread and someone can leave a message to your fucking emotionally dead 'friends'.

I want to to pop their morally redundant bubbles. WTF is wrong with these people? Angry isn't the word.

(((Phee))). I want to wrap you up in cotton wool, my lovely

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