Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

Sorry, I think this man is missing a screw or two in the emotional intelligence department. Ignore him. And there is absolutely no contest about the twins. You put their best interests first. He doesn't. You win hands down, no question.
Sorry to hear you are feeling low, you are going so well, breathing, taking baby steps, and looking after your twins. Hope you sleep better tonight.

Good suggestion about balloons, notquite.

Also: bubbles!

Everyone loves bubbles. They are so magical floating about waiting to be popped.

This is a good sign, it shows the letter has hurt him. You could text back "the least you could have done was not get a blow job in a cupboard from someone at work behind my back"

Well, he has been dragging you through hell at one hundred miles an hour with revelations about his affair, feeding you titbits about how wonderful, charismatic and reasonable the OW is and forcing the pace with access to the DTs.

He doesn't like it when you take the reins and surprise him with something nasty. Hope it gave him a real fright and a reality check.

The excitement of canoodling in cupboards may already be wearing off - who knows?

My friends children are older than yours, 8 and 6, when they were younger and she split from her man-child he could do no wrong by them. Now they're older he bores them, he never plays with them or takes them anywhere, he plants them in front of the telly and they hate it.

Of course he now has the cheek to claim my friend is poisoning them against him!!

From your post it sounds as if your always planning/thinking of fun things for your twins. You can bet your life he's not. As for his message I'm not sure I could resist a cheeky 'really??? What were you expecting?'in reply, but you do the best thing by ignoring him. Did the letter go to his workplace by any chance?

You're doing amazing!! Xx

They always prefer mum. My Dh is a great dad. Fun, affectionate, oh and faithful. And they still come to me for hugs, for sadness, to tell me news. Because I'm here all the time for them.

Activities. Bubble disco. Blue bubbles with some really dancey music.
Puddling. Dirty clothes on and jumping in puddles followed by long bath, with you!

So pleased you rattled the idiotic manchild.

Now he knows it's final. And he doesn't like it...

Mine used to love 'washing up' plasticky ikea cups and plates at the sink.
At 3 they enjoy 'helping' getting the laundry from the machine, making Nutella sandwiches, 'painting' in the garden with a bucket of water & real paintbrushes.
Tea parties with teddies biscuits, fruit, & water in the tea pot (mine were crazy about this!)
I used to 'teach' them dance, simple moves where I was the instructor, turn around, clap hands, touch the floor type moves.
When they were older they used to 'instruct' me.

At only three years old they also need lots of rest, cuddles, quiet time, stories.

You are doing a sterling job!
You could be forgiven for putting the TV on and leaving some bread out.

How do you manage indoor bubbles without leaving little detergenty circles on the sofa/carpet etc?

Yy to Orchard Toy games. Tummy Ache was our favourite - putting together your favourite meal and avoiding the bugs and worms cards (or choosing them, if you are ds2)

We also dug out the old set of stacking cups at about this age, built a huge tower then used plastic boules, to roll towards it and try to knock it down. Ah! Happy days

Well done Phee I bet WF's shitting herself at how fast this is moving. What did the letter actually say? When are the DTs 3? My memory of buying toys for toddlers is that the range of suitable toys really broadens when they get to 3.
I used to do mini sports days when mine were tiny - little hurdles, obstacle courses, egg and spoon races etc. And lots of soft play, I hate the places but found them a Godsend with toddlers. Will they go to nursery when they turn 3?

I agree with other that you should take some comfort in the fact he is rattled.....he really is a control freak isn't he?

Ophelia, I was like you. I met my husband when I was very young. I was 16. We married when I was 18 and separated when I was 55. Im now 57. Its what I knew we had to do. Please believe me when I say you'll be ok. You really will.

xxxx

Your twins will adore you ophelia, there is no question about it.

My ds is younger than your dc but I also worry about not doing enough. I found it helped to stick a note on the fridge of what groups are on each day, plus general outings that we could do (soft play, woods, nearby animal park etc) so that every day it was easy to pick an activity, depending on what else we had going on or what mood my ds is in!

At home we do lots of dancing, try playing with Duplo, reading, sweeping up, playing with a tea set. And cbeebies of course!

Well done for everything you've achieved this week

Blow not blue

Oh, wooden floor and leather sofa. (also bit oblivious to things like that!

What a fool that man is! Did he really think you were going to sit twiddling your thumbs and pining whilst he pulled the strings?
My only retort would be ... "Let's not get started on the 'least' we could have done you cheating arsehole"

I understand the worry for your children but please don't. You are home, you are comfort, you are the best ever just by being present. I grew up with both parents but when I'm ill (and I'm almost 35) I still really just want my mummy. Dad can be as Disney as he likes but that never replaces mummy

Marble run. Hours of fun. Got it out todayto for say and they were back on it!

Im going to go against the grain her and say that children don't always need to be doing things, or having things planned. It is entirely possible for them to be happy doing nothing much whilst just being at home.

Oh dear. I think I just heard a very loud POP

I have 4 yr old twins. Im not great at 'fun'. Their daddy plays with them more than me, but it's me they shout for everything, even if daddy is sat right there and they tell me they love me 'the most'. (Not encouraged, it's from watching tangled)

I would try not to always be involved in playing. They should really learn to play together. It is better for them IMO.

Trust your instincts, I know it's hard but you're doing a fantastic job. You don't need to compete, keep things simple, he will become over compensating and it will show. I also agree that kids need to get bored to develop imagination and independence in play.

Also just to say, what the hell did he expect? You to sit there waiting for him?! You owe him nothing, Jesus it's just a letter, not like you gave anyone a blow job in a cupboard?!?

On a practical note Phee, Courts are not interested in household goods, so don't let him take a single thing unless it is his personal belongings. They don't care about cars either.
Unfortunately they don't seem to care much for money missing, except in high value cases, so make sure you are "Tenants in Common". If your Sol hasn't already done this, ask why? He could otherwise charge a huge loan against the property and you end up homeless. State your ownership to stop him.
I would change the locks. Yes I know the arguments, but I still would. You have a right to privacy, He has made it clear that he has left to start a new life elsewhere. Have a lock on your bedroom door where you keep your documents. Letters to Sol etc. and keep it locked whenever you leave the house.
I don't think the WF is driving him on.
This isn't " We have received a letter from the solicitor" As in missy mistress taking over. She seems to me discarding him. She doesn't even offer him a room in her three bed house, preferring instead he stays in a flat all alone.

I think right now, he's feeling isolated. Good.

If you let them be bored they will develop great imaginations. I used to supply lots of toys for 'imaginative play' e.g pretend food and cooker and leave them to it.

Also, water with lots of bubbles in two big plastic tubs outside front door (when weather is nice) and lots of things to pour with. Cheap paintbrushes from Wilko, big tub of gloppy glue and lots of things to stick - old sea shells, pom poms. When I was little I used to spend hours cutting diamond rings out of catalogues!

Well done Ophelia,

In not naming the OW in the divorce, they can't even use that against you, its all about him on his own, agree with PP, he is isolated.
By your not having any contact with him, he has no idea how you are feeling right now, that will really piss him off, take a bit of strength from that, expect a couple more nasty texts though.
A bit of cold reality today won't do him any harm, you have the upper hand at the moment. Let him stew.
Its not his/her illicit affair any more, the secrecy and excitement has been taken away from them.
It will be interesting to see how he reacts over the coming weeks. He didn't see this coming.
Take care of yourself.