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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 15/05/2015 07:43

Good morning ophelia, sounds like you had a good day yesterday.
One day the brave face won't be a brave face anymore and you'll be happy I promise.
One step at a time you're doing great x

Stinkersmum · 15/05/2015 08:23

Shuang what 'harrassment'??

Stinkersmum · 15/05/2015 08:24

Pardon me - what 'hassle'???

stolemyusername · 15/05/2015 11:17

GERTI I never actually thought of that Blush

MerryMarigold · 15/05/2015 14:07

Ophelia, hope you're having an ok day putting up pics or whatever...it's certainly a blanket day - brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Hope those twinsters are behaving for you...I guess maybe the change is hitting them too. Are they 2 or 3? I think I've seen both from other posters and can't remember what you actually posted. Can they go to a playgroup for a couple of mornings a week? Mine actually got into school nursery aged 3 (just, a week after their birthday). It was a bit of surprise so I asked if they could just go 3 mornings until the next term. Then they went every morning from 3 yrs and 2 months. It was a lovely break and they loved it, as they had each other and quickly made friends. In fact, many of dd's friends from nursery are still her friends in Y1 even though they are all in Y2! How about lighting some of your candles tonight...(as long as you remember to blow them out!).

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 15/05/2015 17:36

He messages me to say that he feels the least I could have done was told him to expect the letter.

Sorry i didn't realise I owed him any niceties after the way he treated me and behaved.

Today has been a bit of a down day for me I'll really feeling a bit out of balance and questioning what I should be doing with the twins. As in activities etc since now I'm worrying maybe I'm not "fun enough" and they will prefer daddy and his treats...
My twins are 2 almost 3

OP posts:
Akifden · 15/05/2015 17:38

The least you could have done? Angry

Justusemyname · 15/05/2015 17:38

There is no least he could expect! Fucker!

magoria · 15/05/2015 17:40

Why did he not already expect the letter?

He seems to think you will what? Sit around and wait for him to decide your life still?

Stupid man.

OliviaBenson · 15/05/2015 17:41

I'd be telling him that! The least he could have done is to respect your marriage vows.

Jesus- the entitlement of his is astonishing!

notquitegrownup2 · 15/05/2015 17:43

Honestly Ophelia, he is a piece of work isn't he? The least he could have done is tell you to expect the end of your marriage, but that didn't seem to occur to him did it??! Guess that he is now getting the idea that you ain't going to be all friendly and pally and do everything his way!

Don't worry about the twins comparing you to their daddy. They know the difference. Mummies are squishy and cuddly and tickly and watch cbeebies with you and see you every day and run your bath and make bubble beards on your face with bubble bath etc. etc. Daddies do fun things too, but you may not see them as often when they decide to go and live elsewhere.

Sometimes your twins may say, as they grow up, that Daddy doesn't do that, or I prefer it when Daddy does X, or even when they are being grumpy, I don't like you anymore, you tell me off and Daddy doesn't etc. But they won't mean it. It is just their way of making sense of having two households, two slightly different ways of doing things, and of checking that you love them whatever happens, and whatever they say to you.

HTH

FriendofBill · 15/05/2015 17:43

Soooo tempting to retaliate. The least he could have done was keep his cock in his pants.

You are plenty 'fun' for your children. What they need at the moment is stability and love, which you are providing.

Dont mentally compete with him. (Anyway, you win. He is a selfish entitled arse)

Akifden · 15/05/2015 17:44

My two are 5 and 3 and both love walks in the woods especially ones with adventure playground type things, any weather at all. Sometimes the muddier the better. Water in the garden, watering plants and soaking each other with the hose. Read to them and cuddle them, will distract you as much as them. I had a difficult time when my oldest was about 18 months and I didn't know what to do with her so I just read a lot it didn't do any harm.
They will love you because they know you're a constant person I their lives, we all have ups and downs and we all feel guilty at times that we're not doing enough but you really shouldn't you're doing great. Take care of yourself that will filter down to them too. X

eminthebigsmoke · 15/05/2015 17:44

That is outrageous Angry. What did he expect?!

It sounds like you do a wonderful range of activities with your twins and have loads of fun so please try and put those thoughts out of your mind. You don't need to compare your parenting skills to his. Ffs he hasn't even asked if he can see them.

That's a big hurdle you've got over, well done! Flowers

eminthebigsmoke · 15/05/2015 17:46

PS Don't have twins but at nearly 3 my lo was all about the orchard toys games - shopping list in particular. Over and over and over again.......

Akifden · 15/05/2015 17:47

Oh and I wouldn't respond to his stupid email, other than to perhaps say all direct communications should be about the children everything else through solicitor Angry

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 17:53

Don't respond to his ridiculous message.

Did he message you to tell you he was getting his cock sucked by some random at work?

What a knob.

But good to know it rattled him.

notquitegrownup2 · 15/05/2015 17:54

Just a thought - when mine were little I found that keeping a packet of balloons in the cupboard was invaluable. When anyone is getting fractious, the appearance of a new balloon seems to cheer everyone up no end. (As long as they aren't afraid of them when they burst.)

Don't forget that you can put the twins in the bath at anytime of the day too - it provides at least 30 minutes fun and splashing - and a 30 minute break for tired mums - and kids don't shrink, if you bath them twice a day!

Thinking of you

sumbodi · 15/05/2015 17:54

Knob head. Angry
Not helpful I know..just had to say it.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 15/05/2015 17:55

I think he thought id just sit around waiting for him. I don't really know what he's thinking it expecting .... Right now I don't care honestly

Thanks for the suggestions and encouraging words. I know it's a silly worry but sometimes I just think "am I doing enough or the right things"

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 15/05/2015 17:57

It looks like he doesn't like surprises then and he also doesn't like it that you are taking control....he's not able to dictate what you do.

keep it up phee. Don't respond. Only message/email if it about the DT and anything go through mediation or SHL.

Re: the twins they will prefer you....my DC loves spending time with DH but after a short time come back wanting to play etc with me (DD is only three so only a little older than your two).

Ideas:

Woodland walk, trip to the park collecting things to create a picture with, swimming (although mor difficult with two).

Also have a look at this website for ideas
nurturestore.co.uk

BalloonSlayer · 15/05/2015 17:57

Agree you shouldn't reply but, as magoria has already said, "But why did you not expect it?" would be the perfect answer.

magoria · 15/05/2015 17:58

You are doing the best you can at a time of devastation.

Keep up with the NC. It is the best for you. Even if it feels like you are 'letting' him get away with stuff it will help you learn he is not there as a part of your life any more.

BessieBumptious · 15/05/2015 18:00

Totally unsurprised by that response from him. Ophelia, you've been living with a man-child I'm afraid.

Daisychain5 · 15/05/2015 18:00

Ha, I think you should enjoy the day.....he's obviously rattled now, shame! Suspect things won't be quite so cosy in the love nest tonight.....reality is hitting, at last!