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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Akifden · 14/05/2015 20:01

Glad you've had such a positive day. I hope it leads to a lovely restful evening too. X

GERTI · 14/05/2015 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FriendofBill · 14/05/2015 20:23

Give him the new number next contact with DC. Just on a scrap of paper.
New number. 654568899
Don't get chatty. fuck him
It is tempting / easy to slip back into that but as has been highlighted, he needs to know he has lost you.

Finally, and never forget this Ophelia you are awesome!_

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 14/05/2015 20:32

Thanks for all The support.

I'm very tired tonight he twins where a little hard work before bed. It's the hardest part for me when your alone and know there is no one to help you out. Lying on the sofa under my new blanket, I think I'll go to bed soon I feel exhausted and also have another headache.

Not sure what to do with the twins this weekend I guess it depends on the weather

OP posts:
Vivacia · 14/05/2015 20:34

My friend suggested I set up a gmail account or something specifically on that phone and give that to him as a contact email.

I was thinking about this last week and I'm afraid I came up with all sorts of spiteful email addresses. Perhaps something like "mumofDTs" although probably best to just go with OpheliaRose.

You are great, I think you're doing so well. And I hope you don't feel bad for any time that you've shown him a less than dignified side. We've all done it.

FriendofBill · 14/05/2015 20:37

Check out childcare.co.uk
You could get a sitter while you rest or dust or dance!

Weebirdie · 14/05/2015 20:42

Ophelia, I have my 10 year old granddaughter staying here with me tonight and she's tucked up in my bed under a fleecy blanket. We both have one and something that we like to do is spray perfume on it as Mama mentioned except we go further and spray it over the pillows and sheets as well. Its our little 'thing' that we do together.

I love perfume and it really helps when you wake up in the night to smell something nice that can take your mind off the kind of sad thoughts that can be first and foremost in your mind. Its really pleasant diversionary tactic - when its not about me and my granddaughter being all ooh lala.

Rosieliveson · 14/05/2015 20:47

I only half one little boy and struggle when DH is away. It's normal. You will find your rhythm and come to appreciate the quiet times once they are in bed.
Could you take a couple of paracetamol and a large glass of water before bed. Try to stave off the headache.
My DS isn't yet 2 but when it rains we paint, bake, make long pasta chains on string, fill the bath with toys and bubbles and have a splash, go swimming, soft play, pets at home to see the animals. Sometimes I just put our wet weather gear on and we go puddle stomping! The toys in the bath is best kept for after that! I can't think what else but will update if I do. Nice weather is always easier. Park + picnic + ball =good times!

Rosieliveson · 14/05/2015 20:47

I have one little boy, not halve him!!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 14/05/2015 20:54

Thanks for all the ideas everyone.

I hope it gets easier one day ... It's rather hard putting in a Bave face all day. I do feel I've done a lot to be productive but still now I'm all alone it feels different.

Haven't had a single world from H after the other day not even a request to see the twins even tho he mentioned doing tea one night that week. I guess moving was just too exciting for him

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 14/05/2015 20:57

He's punishing you for not allowing him to control the situation. I'd expect his interest in the Twins to dwindle for a while at least.

TakemeforwhatIam · 14/05/2015 20:58

So glad to see you moving forward Grin screw him

Love the candles and fairy lights they make a room feel cosy. Good for you Ophelia Grin you sound so much stronger Flowers

glitteranddust · 14/05/2015 21:01

rie94 t

TheFormidableMrsC · 14/05/2015 21:21

Ophelia, sending you huge hugs, love. It's early days, I was nowhere near as coherent as you are at the moment when I was in your shoes, you are amazingly strong and resilient. I hope he's sat in his "flat" realising that his penis has cost him his entire life. Make your home your own, I have done much the same, even swapped bedrooms with DD so I could have my "own" space. It's been liberating. You will feel the same, I promise xxx

Rosieliveson · 14/05/2015 21:22

I think he's hoping to play you. Hoping to force you into contacting him. Don't!
A brave face will get easier. Fake it till you make it. One day you'll realise it isn't fake anymore Smile

FriendofBill · 14/05/2015 21:23

One day the brave face won't be a put-on.

It's fine to crumble in the eves, you have been through so much.
You only have to get through this night. Just live a day at a time. If you go to past/future it can be overwhelming. Try to stay in the moment.

Shuang · 14/05/2015 22:07

Ophelia I am no legal expert at all butwwondering if it's possible to do this:

  • go to the Gp to get medical advice on the stress you have been subject to due to your ex's constant hassle. Yes it was hassle.
  • ask your solicitor to send them a letter asking them to not mention/discuss anything not directly related to your DTs. Such as what the WF said etc. Reiterate contact strictly via said number and email address
  • failing this you have the right to take legal action I guess?
Again I am sure we have people with professional knowledge around. But he has no right to hassle you like this. And please don't tell him he has hurt you. Anything related to divorce through solicitors; related to children he knows the number and address. This pair makes me so shocked and angry.
sadwidow28 · 14/05/2015 22:31

Ophelia, 'feeling alone' is a state of mind. That means you hanker for your previous life. You aren't going to get it back with your STBXH my lovely.

You will never be alone whilst you have the DTs. However much they are hard work, they are still a huge blessing. Try not to focus on how much energy it takes to manage the DTs alone - enjoy every minute that you have with them when your STBXH misses out.

Have you established intermediary contact arrangements informally? Try EOW and one evening mid-week. I think, at the moment, you are waiting for contact and a request. Get it established properly. Try to see his weekend as all the hours he would have normally helped with bath/bedtime and playing to give you a break - you just get it now in a 36 hour consolidated period. So you are entitled to do something for yourself.

KOK Ophelia.

You are doing so well - and growing stronger day by day.

bjrce · 14/05/2015 22:56

Ophelia,

As everyone says, You are doing so well, be proud of yourself.

You should try and look at the positives in your life right now. you could be in a worse situation.

Imagine the scenario a month ago when you found out all the mails and texts and he continued to live in the house claiming nothing was going on, or he would end the affair. Then continued on doing as he pleased, you would be tortured, trying to find out what he was at and how the two of them were together at work.
This would go on for months and you would still have to go through what you are going through now. At least, you know what you have to do, even though the shock, devastation and the sadness you are experiencing now is so difficult.

Try to focus on things you are grateful for in your life and keep a list, Every now and again go back to it and continue to add to your list, you will be surprised and how much you have. It will give you strength

You will get through this.

MilesHuntsWig · 14/05/2015 22:59

Super impressive. Should have got the fairy lights (but if I had my way our patio would look like Blackpool illuminations).

Sleep well!

stolemyusername · 14/05/2015 23:03

OR, could you possibly put the sim for your current phone into the new phone and give your new sim number to the people you want to be able to contact you? I don't think that the twat would respect you enough to only text the new number and would be calling the old number when you didn't answer his texts

GERTI · 15/05/2015 05:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vivacia · 15/05/2015 05:57

Have some of you confusing this story with someone else's? Confused

Dumdedumdedum · 15/05/2015 06:52

Good morning, OpheliaRose. Just checking in to wish you well and say I'm glad you had a good day yesterday. Could you perhaps spend time with your parents over the week-end? That would mean you were not completely on your own with the twins all the time.
I've been pondering your STBXH's silence since you refused to comply with his demands and ignored his messages the other day. Was he trying to contact you BECAUSE he'd received your SHL's letter? Did he stop because he has finally understood he is not the boss of you? Or did he stop because he subsequently received your SHL's letter? I wonder where his protestations that he wanted to have 50:50 custody (to suit him and WF) are now, given he hasn't asked to see the twins this week? Questions, questions!
Anyway, congratulations on putting one foot in front of the other and breathing. Actually, you have accomplished MUCH more than just that in a very short space of time and I remain in complete admiration of your strength. A Steel Rose Grin FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers and {{{{{virtual hugs}}}}} as usual.

Dumdedumdedum · 15/05/2015 06:53

Sorry, Vivacia, I've no idea what you're talking about!