Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

Good morning, OpheliaRose. So glad you slept a little bit better last night. Do keep channelling your anger defiantly (that predictive txt so right!) and use it positively to look after your own and the twins' interests rather than letting your STBXH call the shots.
I hope you have a lovely day out with your friend. What's the weather like there? Living where I do, in the sandpit, I get very down when the sun isn't shining, let alone if it rains, so I hope the skies are sunny and blue for you today!
Can't give any interior design advice as we have been living here 5 years and still have opened half-unpacked boxes strewn around the house and marks on the walls where we intend to put up photos/pictures.. Not a good look.
I've nothing else to add, as usual. Still not sure about whether you should make it clear in an email that the only communication you want with your STBXH is about the children and spell it out why and that the split is not mutual - he walked out on you from one day to the next, completely unexpectedly, so he has no right to tell you what to do. Or just do Ice Queen with new phone number and email addy?
Anyhow, {{{{{virtual hugs}}}}} and lots of

Friends don't lie and betray other friends in this scale.

He is not your friend.

You do not have to have anything to do with him apart from DC.

He lost any claim to friendship the minute he did what he did.

No one gives a shiny shit about WF and her ex.

You are not her.

You are better you don't spend your life on your knees blowing other people's husbands.

Hi Phee

So glad you got some sleep.

Can I also suggest TX Maxx if you have one near you? They have a home section and its all very lovely stuff at a very reasonable price. They have candles etc too.

Have a totally brilliant day today with your friend!

Have a good time today.
We have woodwick candles. They are £20ish for the large hard so a bit pricier than others but they smell glorious when lit and the wick crackles as they burn. I find that sound really comforting.

I would be tempted to post something on Facebook pointing out the 'hilarity' of Facebook suggesting you friend the home wrecker. And definitely purge anyone that has friended her and isn't essential.

Weird how technology can be the 'jellyfish' (a la bridget jones), stinging you with unexpected facts about their life when you are trying not to participate. I thank god all my stuff happened pre-facebook, some of it did play out on the internet but only with him and not her.

Very good not engaging with him. Just keep it clear, all contact is only about kids and only over email, thank you very much. I'm busy having my life with my kids and WITHOUT YOU.

Definitely ignore ignore ignore. How dare he have the audacity to want you to appease his feelings. At some point he will start to get unnerved by your distance. GOOD !

Get angry, stay angry.

Glad you are making plans for the house. Definitely agree that you should go for the things you always wanted that he didn't like.

If you're thinking about getting some canvas prints done I've used this company several times and they're really good quality, quick delivery and, best of all, cheap!

Gosh you sound positive. How wonderful.
I'm so glad you have come off face book, I've never done it but it's still managed to piss me off occasionally via other people.
More recently yesterday and it's been 10 years

Phee, please do not tell him how hurt you are.
It won't get through as he's drunk on love at present. If you do tell him, I think you'll regret it later down the line. He will just take it and dissect with the WF who couldn't care less. In my opinion she doesn't give a care about him. (Quick F, now bitten off more than she could suck.)

You have I hope, secured your interest in the home via your solicitor.

I've had a really productive day today just about to drive home after dinner out with the twins and my friend proper update later

Fab stuff ophelia.

xxx

Quick F, now bitten off more than she could suck.

Its a pity she didn't bite it off.

I agree with Weebirdie - fab stuff Phee.

Looking forward to hearing all about it.

I agree with Wee -
Happy for you Phee!
Your X does not like candles. I think I understand why: they can light a fire in his 'romantic' places (stationery cupboards! Very inflammable!)
But that is wonderful. Because candles at home will make it Phee's home!My H bought some that make lights (changing colours) when they burn. They were made by people with disabilities. All the monies go to them. They sell them in big home stuff shops- like Homebase etc. The kids love them and they love the idea that they are made by special people.
You know you might even consider building some Ophelia's family traditions: every week-end the kids spend with you eat dinner at candle lights . Kids will love it- they also love blowing the candles off .

I am impatient to read the list of what you bought!
(Hey if you feel a bit sad after your friend leaves it is OK- Hug yourself- and connect to your inner self via the pain the sadness- Otherwise just be happy! Step by step you are getting closer to healing!)
Big Hugs! Good Night!

Thank you for all your fab advice for what I could get for the house.

I ended up buying some new bedding and a really cosy fleece blanket for the sofa so I can snuggle up on there again nice and warm (so I don't need H cuddles!) I also got myself some candles and the weird big glass jar things they can sit unfit decoration in the living room I think they will look really pretty.

I got some new photo frames to fill with pictures of me and the twins and friends post H leaving and also my friend brought me (what I think is Christmas are displayed) to put up in my room so I can put photos up on that she said it's cute and quirky

She almost convinced me fairy lights where a good idea ...

Brought myself a very cheap PAYG phone so just put the sim in and charged it up. Will be texting H from it in a bit to say ybisnisbgettubg number o prefer he contact me on via text. Although it's a cheap PAYG it also has some "smart phone" functions so can get email on it. My friend suggested I set up a gmail account or something specifically on that phone and give that to him as a contact email. Then following some advice on here we agreed is check it twice a day once in the morning and once in the late afternoon / evening. Otherwise it will be just left in a draw in the utilities room out the way (with all the other useless junk)

I still feel very sad but I've realised that I need to do something as he's not coming back and I started to lose my fight which is not what my twins need right now they need mummy to be strong and show them what a decent living human is like!

Sounds like a very productive day and you sound so much stronger, it's lovely to read!
New bedding, cosy blankets and candles sounds perfect! I'd Snuggle up with a hot choc!

Cosy blanket fleece...I love those. I always use them to snuggle into.

So so glad you had a productive day.

The setting of a new h only email is a great idea too.

You say you will check it twice a day....will that be when he has the DT or everyday?

If it were me (only advice, just an opinion) I would obviously do that when he has them, but any other time maybe once a day. I say that as you shouldn't be inclined to anwser (like you have been) when he has contacted you.....

You are the boss of you now!

Well done!

I meant to anwser straight away if he has contacted you (like you have been doing).....

However, I suppose if you do see it you could let it absorb before anwsering....forget what I said......!

(I'm feeling unwell...need to go to bed!)

So glad today has been productive. Your last post reads like you are getting your spirit back which is fantastic.
The new touches for the home sound lovely too. Out with the old and in with the new and improved.
Unless he has twins maybe give yourself a minimum 2 hour read to response time to any text or email you find? Gives him time to wonder why you aren't bothered and you time to formulate any replies. Also, could you make his email address for you one in your maiden name? Properly show him that he is erased?

Brilliant idea about the phone and only looking at it twice a day. You sound a lot more positive which is lovely to read

Well done you

Yep, keeping the phone in the useless junk drawer sounds like a good idea. Candles are a lovely addition to the home.

Lovely Phee!
I love to snuggle in cosy fleece blankets, when I drink my morning coffeeS and my evening herbal teas (not easy to manage that- I do drop a bit of whatever I drink in them every so often)! And after my few morning coffees I doze a bit underneath them. I had a cosy blanket for years- my daughters identified it with me so much so that one of them took it with her to Uni (in a different town) and snuggle in it every morning on her student sofa just to feel 'me' when she gets up in the morning! I have a lovely new one- and on week ends, if we are at home then as soon as the little ones get up they snuggle with me under it! Even my daughters still do that when they come home from Uni. Another one of our family traditions. Could that become Phee's family tradition as well?
Oh Phee it is OK to be sad and to feel down! Accept all your feelings- sad and happy ones. All of them contribute to create a richer life!
Good Night dear! (Hug tight yourself under the new cozy blanket- maybe add to it a few drops of the perfume you like?)