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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
storytopper · 13/05/2015 19:15

It's more likely that she has come up as someone you may know on Facebook because you have 10 mutual friends. www.facebook.com/notes/facebook/people-you-may-know/15610312130

BathtimeFunkster · 13/05/2015 19:15

Facebook don't make their algorithms public, and they change frequently, but it seems unlikely that somebody with 10 recent mutual friends AND who was looking at your profile wouldn't trigger a suggestion.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 13/05/2015 19:19

I'm half expecting a friend request from her it's the sort of fucked yo thing she seems cable of!

I'm guessing he must be all moved in now Sad

OP posts:
Rosieliveson · 13/05/2015 19:21

Well, it's her date night with ex DP so I should imagine he's sat in an empty house all alone! Boo frickin hoo!!

Rosieliveson · 13/05/2015 19:23

I once had a FB request from a violent, abusive ex. I replied "not if you were the last potential friend on earth" and blocked him. I enjoyed that!

ELIANASGRANNY · 13/05/2015 19:26

I'm convinced that WF is the one pulling his strings - when she isn't in the cupboard pulling everything else! Feeding the idiot all the guff about her perfect separation and divorce, and explaining how it all should be done. He's swallowing it all - make up your own jokes - and believes you should just roll over and follow her script. Time to disabuse him - and her - of that Phee.

MaMaof04 · 13/05/2015 19:35

Phee Please hug the twins! I would have liked to hug you right now.
So Rosie do you think he is bombarding Phee with calls and texts because he want also to have his evenings out with his ex on Wednesdays? How Sad of him! Hey he might be babysitting her child when she is meeting her ex? That would be so Grin!
Eliana she swallowed his s* and he swallows her s.
F s* these two!
Good night love! Please smile just a bit for us here! They say that faked smiles are as effective as real ones!

inabeautifulplace · 13/05/2015 19:39

In time, maybe mediation would be good. At least then a third party expert could explain to him that NO, it is not fucking normal to deliver advice from the OW on how to integrate her in the kids lives. Not after 3 years, so after 3 weeks it is the action of an utter cretin.

My parents do have that amicable relationship after divorce. In fact, my dad and his wife (ow) have actually stayed at my mums when on holiday! I was older, but didn't see my dad much for a while, did not meet ow for at least 6 months. From what my mum said, my dad felt horribly guilty and tried to limit the damage. He has certainly told me many times how much he regrets what happened, even though both of them were better off in different relationships. I think it took me until my mid 20s to understand, not that there can really be total foregiveness.

From my perspective, if he continues to hurt you by insisting on amicability, he is throwing away any chance of this in the far future. Thus it falls on you to be the responsible adult once again and minimal contact may be the best way for now.

Wristy · 13/05/2015 19:40

I'm not on Facebook so have no idea about friends, mutual friends or people you might know. But if she sends you a friends request she is clearly off her tits crazy mental!!

I'd have to second to previous poster who mentioned 'real' friends vs acquaintances. If they're only the latter then just block and carry on.

And that wedding invite bonkers: my mind is blown by his entitlement!!! Just ignore the arsewipe, it does sound as if he's a bit rattled now for whatever reason- GOOD.

Phee you're doing awesome!! Xx

MrsFring · 13/05/2015 19:41

Bathtimes post at 17:03 was acutely perceptive; you were so instrinsic to his life up to this point, having grown up together. He is heading for an almighty shock when he realises that he has destroyed the very foundations of his own life.

AbitSceptical · 13/05/2015 20:26

Still following your story Phee, and like others I'm glad - almost relieved - so see your anger coming through.

I also agree that what Bathtime said at 17.03 was very perceptive.

Still walking alongside you Flowers

laurierf · 13/05/2015 21:34

Whilst I fully support the NC except for contact arrangements/through solicitors via email (and getting a new PAYG mobile)… have you actually spelt it out to him that this is the way it's going to be from here on, Phee? Otherwise, for sure, ignoring his messages is going to upset him and I really, really don't think you should engage and feed his ridiculous tragic love hero storyline... but he's going to keep bugging you unless you (or your parents or brother if you prefer) send him a brief and businesslike email telling him that due to his disgraceful behaviour towards your family, you have no interest in any communication with him other than arranging contact with the twins and that all communication should be via email or - if he has the children - via your new number in case of emergencies only.

As far as Facebook goes… maybe you should consider coming off it for a while? Just a temporary suspension of your account? Your real friends are those you will not need Facebook for, and I'm not sure I could resist the torture of looking to see which of your acquaintances she has added next etc…. in reality it really means very little, but in the dark moments, it's the sort of thing that could send your mind and heart racing. Those who need to know the truth should. If you haven't told them already, then you could send them a brief message along the lines already suggested: "I discovered H had been having an affair at work and he left us 3 weeks ago for his mistress. The kids and I will be ok eventually but of course it is still a huge shock for us right now."

You need to work out what's best for you now, Phee, in light of what's happened, and then you need to start telling people the way things are going to work for you from here on.

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 13/05/2015 21:49

Wow. Unbelievable.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 13/05/2015 22:02

Mumsnet keeps playing up for me.

Thank you for the really great advice on how to handle the situation. I think I plan to come off Facebook for a while as I don't really use it' is becoming too painful right now and it won't help me get over this situation.

Tomorrow my friend has a day off work so we've arranged to go into town so she can help me do some shopping while I have the twins. I plan to get a pay as you go phone to communicate with H. I think is time I followed some of the excellent advice on here. I also want to get some new stuff for the house. I'm loathed to re decorate completely as I spent ages working hard to get this house how I want it but I want to make it more about me and not us

OP posts:
Rosieliveson · 13/05/2015 22:11

That sounds like a good idea. You can text him the new number then shove the phone away. You don't even have to mention it's just for him at all.
While you are out you should all get lunch somewhere nice too
Sleep well tonight

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 13/05/2015 23:49

thank you Flowers

OP posts:
laurierf · 13/05/2015 23:52

Hope you sleep/slept well Phee - glad to hear you have a shopping trip lined up with a friend as your plan sounds a good one, not least the phone - and no need to fully redecorate at all, just takes a few changes here and there to make it yours - it's amazing what a difference what the odd touch around the home can make, both aesthetically and psychologically x

Vivacia · 14/05/2015 05:28

I agree just a few small changes are needed. Perhaps a new toolbox? Even if empty at his stage.

I do think you need to tell him about the communication arrangements if you haven't already. And I agree with those saying to spell out why - the hurt he has caused.

temperamentalamongcorvids · 14/05/2015 06:04

Morning Ophelia,

How about some new vases and fresh flowers all over the place?
Or a mirror with a beautiful frame so you can check your fab new hair as you leave the house?
Enjoy your shopping trip
X

GERTI · 14/05/2015 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 14/05/2015 07:50

I've always wanted candles but H didn't really like them or see the point so we never had any.

Slept a bit better last night although I'm still feeling very drained and fed up with this whole situation. I'm defiantly feeling a lot more anger towards him

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 14/05/2015 07:54

Great idea to come off FB and buying a new sim/pay as you go phone!

For the house:

Prints in frames (to replace photos)

canvases of nice pics of your twins (maybe put a filter on it to make it a nice black and White one)

Candles/flowers

Cushion covers/throws/rugs

New curtains?

More new bedding

Maybe you could change the layout of the living area? (Although you may need help of DB/Dad to do this)

MerryMarigold · 14/05/2015 08:01

I'd go for some fresh flowers and a nice vase if you don't have one. I love flowers, something so uplifting about them.

Vivacia · 14/05/2015 08:07

Candles are a great idea.

I wish I could send you one.

But probably not a Jo Malone because I'd have to go without food for a week or something.

BathtimeFunkster · 14/05/2015 08:24

If you haven't already told him how to contact you, then do that.

Just that.

Don't explain why.

Definitely don't outline to him the hurt he has caused.

He knows that.

He thinks his big love story is so important that the (temporary, in his mind) hurt he is inflicting now is justified and will be worth it when you learn to be happy for him and he can come over for cosy dinners with his "best friend".

Every time you give him anything of your feelings, you are helping him and ceding control.

The only thing that will put you in a stronger position is to refuse what he wants - your engagement with his big love story.

So if he doesn't already know that he should contact you re: contact with the children at this e-mail address, then say that.

But don't try to teach him any lessons or punish him by shaming him with what he's done.

He knows. He just thinks it's OK and that it will all work out for the best in the end.

He has to figure out for himself that he has completely lost you by choosing to do this.

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