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Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 13/05/2015 15:57

Gerti Grin

gerti I would have to add the name wank fodder in there also!

Dumdedumdedum · 13/05/2015 15:58

There are some really Wicked Women on here GrinEnvy

eminthebigsmoke · 13/05/2015 16:00

I guess they might be FB friends from before he left, and they maybe aren't aware?

Perhaps 'For those of you who don't know WF is the 'lady' H walked out on me and the kids for. Just thought I'd make you aware as she's now popping up on peoples' facebook as 'someone you might know' - now you do.'

Hope bin bag day has gone as well as can be expected x

SignoraStronza · 13/05/2015 16:01

And don't forget to keep leaving the doors locked in a way that he can't enter the house while you're out. Hate to say it, but this sudden bombardment could mean you've rattled him and he's about to get nasty (well, nastier if that were possible).

TinLizzie · 13/05/2015 16:20

Lack of response will be killing him. He has a need to know that you're upset and your silence will be very disquieting for him. Keep it up Ophelia. He may have been expecting much drama from you and will be getting to a place of anti-climax pretty damned soon. He'll come crashing down at that point.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/05/2015 16:30

He has a need to know that you're upset and your silence will be very disquieting for him.

Precisely, TinLizzie.

Just don't respond.

That's why he called 3 times when he didn't get an answer.

In his head you are still a character in the drama in which he's playing the romantic hero.

Refuse to play your part.

That means you give him nothing.

Telling him how sad and upset you are is basically reading from his script.

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 16:44

He has a need to know that you're upset and your silence will be very disquieting for him.

I don't know if this is necessarily true (though it could be). I suspect it's more likely that in his head he's convinced himself that everyone should be happy for him and his great new love and that you are simply being difficult (why WOULDN'T you be happy for him, after all?).

Total arsehole. Not sure what the answer is re: contact. I'd still be tempted to email simply reiterating you have already informed him contact will only be via email and repeating the bit about his stuff.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/05/2015 16:56

Why reiterate with yet more needless contact?

He knows everything he needs to know.

The loudest way to reiterate that message to to ignore all other attempts at contact.

Dumdedumdedum · 13/05/2015 17:00

I think my might be changing my mind about your sending him a clarifying email, as I suggested above, Phee. You may well be better off sitting tight and letting him stew. He obviously thinks he is the puppet-master here and can't stand your not being at his beck and call and falling into line with his wishes immediately, in the way he thinks you should. Your being anything but an Ice Queen seems to make him think he is in control of you. It's actually quite funny that he seems to be getting frustrated because he is realising you are no longer going to let him boss you around! Good for you!
Re: FB - I'd block WF and if any of the 10 mutual friends are newly mutual since he got together with WF, perhaps consider blocking them, too?
Chin up, chuck. You will survive (now there's one to dance round your handbag to whilst throwing his stuff out Wink )!

BathtimeFunkster · 13/05/2015 17:03

And of course he thinks everyone should be happy for him and his exciting new love story, but he craves that attention from the girl he's been with since he was a teenager, and that he's grown up sharing everything with.

He wants to talk about it with you, Ophelia. That's why he keeps adding in hurtful little nuggets.

He has not disengaged from you yet. And his love story is going to look a lot less romantic when he has no way to force you to witness it.

That's why he's rubbing it in your face all the time.

He'd prefer to see you upset by what he's done that have you closed off from him entirely.

goshhhhhh · 13/05/2015 17:15

Ignore him.
He deserves no attention from you. He is a knob.
Was he high maintenance but very charming? ( I suspect you might have had a lucky escape).

RedKite1985 · 13/05/2015 17:18

*And of course he thinks everyone should be happy for him and his exciting new love story, but he craves that attention from the girl he's been with since he was a teenager, and that he's grown up sharing everything with.

He wants to talk about it with you, Ophelia. That's why he keeps adding in hurtful little nuggets.

He has not disengaged from you yet. And his love story is going to look a lot less romantic when he has no way to force you to witness it.

That's why he's rubbing it in your face all the time.

He'd prefer to see you upset by what he's done that have you closed off from him entirely*

THIS

amazingly put

bjrce · 13/05/2015 17:56

if you can, Please do not respond to him.

It is really going to get to him, he won't have any idea what you're thinking ,this will annoy him.

Ophelia, even if it doesn't feel like it, you are doing so well, its easy to get really angry and email him how you feel , butt he really doesn't care, he wants to get a reaction from you, hence the mail about the DCs beds and the wedding, don't fall for it.

He may call over to you, try and avoid him if you can. If you speak to him you are just going to lose it.

Is there any chance he has received the mail from the solicitor?

Ledkr · 13/05/2015 17:58

Yes I think the lack of drama irritates the fuckers.
In fact ow was so desperate for my reaction that she told my h that I had been into her work and threatened her!
I really hadnt, I didn't even know who she was Shock

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/05/2015 18:16

Ledkr, good God! I never fail to be astounded by the fuckwittery of these vile women. I am absolutely sure they thrive on the drama because once they have nothing else to focus on and have to get on with the banality of day to day life, it doesn't seem so much fun does it? They have to stand united while destroying the other persons life because it stops them having to focus on their own shortcomings.

TurnipCake · 13/05/2015 18:17

Good, you're in the angry phase. Channel it - it can be very powerful.

Write a list of your 'inner circle' i.e. good friends, your brother, parents etc. anyone else beyond that doesn't matter. Not his colleagues, not him or her, not the flaky friends who are going to have dull dinner parties with them, or politely add her on FB. They don't matter, they really don't.

Continue to purge him. If you haven't got a separate phone and email account for contact with him - set it up and tell him that's how communication is going to be from now on. Check your phone once a day - think of it as Wanker O' Clock. Anything urgent can go through your DB or parents.

No discussions beyond your children. Anything else via the legal people. Nada. Disengage. He wants to tell you about his happy new life because in a fucked up way, he's trying to hurt you - because it's easier to disengage from you if your hurt. It's more confusing for him if you give a steely ice queen who won't allow him the control. People like this do not like not having control.

Sending out that message that he no longer has access to your personal phone, email account etc will shake him up. And you will heal in a healthier way - it will still hurt like hell at times - any grieving process does, but you're looking after one of the most important people in the matter, and that's a good place to start.

PleaseGetWell · 13/05/2015 18:18

Your silence speaks louder than any words, OP.

KOKO.

SuffolkNWhat · 13/05/2015 18:19

Ignore him. They'll be thriving on the drama, after all it's all they have left after the secrecy of their affair. If you don't give them ammo the drama goes away and in the light of day they may find they are not suited at all.

Good. Fuck them. You look after you and the DT. Fuck them to high hell.

Akifden · 13/05/2015 18:22

I think everyone is right don't give them any drama to fuel their pathetic love story. Keep doing what you're doing it's obviously pissing him off no end. He'd have loved nothing more than to have had you begging for him back and he would probably be going on about WF even more to hurt you more.
Stay strong Ophelia, you're doing so well.

MaMaof04 · 13/05/2015 18:51

PPs above are right. You said what you had to say.
Let us ignore what he might or might not think this bastard and focus on what is best for Ophelie.
Ophelie Please find time to go to a counselor. Maybe you need to write him a letter that put an accent on how he behaved and not on how you felt. The letter might sound very accusative, so you might wait until the divorce is pronounced and the maintenance agreed (via a mediator and sooner than later as advised by TheFormidable) . You might then write something like: You started having the affair behind my back- you let me believe that we can make plans for the future (another kid) when you were already planning to leave- You did not disclose the affair: I had to confront you- You did not bother elaborating and You just left- You were fascinated by how the OW dealt with her own divorce and You wanted me to behave accordingly. As you see up to now it was all about you. But I want to thank you because the divorce liberated my Me from the We (that was all you.) From now on, I would like you to limit contacts only to etc etc
Like many PPs suggested above you might discreetly announce on FB that you are staying off FB for a while because of unexpected circumstances in your life and that you will return when you have sorted everything out. (No indication about your feelings- but still hinting that it was not an amicable and discussed at length divorce). BTW I like very much Wee distinction between acquaintances and friends especially on FB.
Ah if I could be in one of these bins and wait for him to enter the garage- I would have leapt out of it and beat him like the dirty mat he became. (Some here know how 'violent' I can be. I was not very strong when I kicked my H but now I have nice muscles thanks to kickboxing and boxing and what not classes!!... Ophelia please sort out some child-minding and find out some classes you might like or just go out for a romantic stroll on your own- It is great to release the anger that affairs build up in betrayed people. Maybe salon dancing might suit better?) Big Hugs Love!

sumbodi · 13/05/2015 18:52

I would set up a new email address immediately and have it ready next time he emails about the dts. I wouldn't even go to the expense of buying a cheap phone....everyone I know has an old Nokia brick floating around. Free pay as you go sim.
He is not worth your time, energy or your money! Angry

SignoraStronza · 13/05/2015 18:52

TurnipCake Love the phrase Wanker o'clock Grin

Fluffycloudland77 · 13/05/2015 19:02

If they come up as someone you know doesn't that mean she's looked at your Facebook profile?.

Vivacia · 13/05/2015 19:11

No.

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 19:12

No fluffy, that's a rumour but not actually true.

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