Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 13/05/2015 14:01

I've had a few missed calls from him and a text saying can we talk about my stuff etc.

I've not answered the phone and haven't responded to the text. I don't want to speak to him I've made it clear of he wants his stuff he knows where it is and how to collect it.

OW came up on Facebook as someone you may know. We now have 10 mutual friends ConfusedHmm

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 13/05/2015 14:04

Block her and keep on ignoring him.

He still wants to be able to talk to you. Don't give him that.

JugglingLife · 13/05/2015 14:04

Can you block her? I think you've already blocked him haven't you? The whole situation just beggars belief Phee.......

HobartPaving · 13/05/2015 14:06

I'd be very tempted to make that 10 ex mutual friends..

Weebirdie · 13/05/2015 14:08

Well done Ophelia. Keep it up. You're not being cruel or heartless. You are taking control of your life and not letting your husband call the shots. Do not talk to him about 'his' stuff. In fact now might be the time to tell him that you have started divorce proceedings and he will be hearing from your lawyer this week.

Re the other woman - please don't use facebook as a barometer of whats going on. It really is a load of shite for the most part and people add others just because. Crikey some people dont even know who it is they are adding, they just add them.

Ledkr · 13/05/2015 14:11

Wow. He is slightly more keen to communicate now it's not going all his way.
can't believe he wants furniture when he's wLked out, tell him to go to bloody ikea.
What a moron this guy is.

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 14:12

Phee just want to say well done, you are doing amazingly well.

Rosieliveson · 13/05/2015 14:12

Definitely block her. I'd be blocking those mutual friends too!

I would email him and tell him to stop calling. You have made it clear that you will only communicate via email unless urgent about the children. Repeat that his personal stuff is ready, all furniture remains in the house until arrangement are made regarding marital assets and you have nothing further to discuss.

Could it be time for the email which tells him that he's hurt you, you aren't friends and to piss off?

BathtimeFunkster · 13/05/2015 14:16

He is desperate for any communication at all from you.

Give him nothing.

Don't respond. You've already told him where to get his stuff.

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 14:17

also who are the mutual friends, are they people you actually consider friends?

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 14:18

PS I would second Rosieliveson. To-the-point email reiterating communication is only to be done via email, and you have already informed him as to where his stuff will be, so there is nothing to discuss.

When will he get your solicitor's letter?

BathtimeFunkster · 13/05/2015 14:52

No e-mails, no nothing.

He already knows what he needs to know.

He just wants to be able to get a response from you.

Phoenix0x0 · 13/05/2015 14:55

Don't respond to him at all.

Either send him an email or get your dad or bro too, saying something along the lines of 'I only want to communicate via email/dad and brother about the children and anything can go through my SHL. I have nothing to say to you. You know where your stuff is. Get it and stop bothering me you made your bed now lie in it and fuck right off'

These 10 mutual friends. How friendly are you with them? I mean if they are close....I would be blocking them.

FriendofBill · 13/05/2015 14:56

He really thinks you are a doormat!
that he can swan in and start dismantling the DT's home! Angry

Chiming in to Rosie's suggestion, tell him you will only be communicating via email.
He wants to give you shit that's why he's phoning....to vent.

He lost all his 'rights' when he abandoned his wife and children.

It's going to be a rocky road, but we are here with you. Hold tight.

FriendofBill · 13/05/2015 14:57

I like that Phoenix- 'stop bothering me'

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 13/05/2015 15:00

Some of them I'd consider good friends as in people we've spent a lot of time with had dinners with parties etc others are just people I know fairly well through various things.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 13/05/2015 15:05

Just block them all.

You can always remove the block later, but really what kind of friends could these possibly be?

Weebirdie · 13/05/2015 15:06

Those people are acquaintances Phee, or even just people you know. They are not friends. A friend is the lovely person who's been there for you throughout this.

Im very careful about how I use the word friend and many a time my mum for instance has said to me, is she a friend of yours? And my reply has been - no mum, just someone I know.

There is a big difference in the two.

Phoenix0x0 · 13/05/2015 15:08

I also really think it's time you bought a pay as you go phone.....

Do you think he would pop round if you continue not anwsering the phone etc? Could you get anyone over as backup......? Or better still go out/stay over at your mums for the night?

Just saying.

Rosieliveson · 13/05/2015 15:23

Actually, with regards blocking the friends maybe it isn't the right thing. Just block her so she won't come up.
A bit spiteful but could you let a few friends know that you "are taking some time after discovering h's affair and him leaving te family home but hope to be in touch again soon"
Just so he doesn't get to tell everyone how you drifted apart. If he's upset with you for telling the truth then maybe he shouldn't have behaved in a way he would be ashamed of!

TheFormidableMrsC · 13/05/2015 15:28

What Rosieliveson said. Make sure you get your side in first because you can bet your bottom dollar he will be making up plenty of fairy stories about how "unhappy" he was, how you "drifted" apart. Mine said "I knew I had made a mistake after 2 years". His mother said to him "oh OK, so you stayed for 14 and had a baby". He couldn't really answer that. I also had the "if it wasn't for OW, I'd be a broken man". Oh do fuck off you manchild. I took my FB down actually for quite a long time. When I started to find my feet, I put it back up again and was overwhelmed with support. I have barely mentioned what has happened. There is no need, it's my fun, friendly place that I go to when I want some company in the evenings :-). Please do block her, that is vital.

RedKite1985 · 13/05/2015 15:44

I would text him, I would text him to please have the decency to respect that you are very upset by him destroying your family, and although he mught not give a fucking toss, you do.

Weebirdie · 13/05/2015 15:52

Red, it has been said and her husband would see it as a weakness.

GERTI · 13/05/2015 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

addstudentdinners2 · 13/05/2015 15:53

yes agree with weebirdie.

if you have to contact him at all do so completely neutrally (no need to be nice, just barely civil), simply reiterating you will only communicate via email regarding the children, and you have already informed him where he will find his belongings.