Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

Good Morning Ophelie:
Ophelie do I read you correctly? This is what I read - and it makes me and made me chant Dum de dum
1- You slept throughout the night-
2- You have been using the F word in the last posts - not to hint at how fantastic he is or she is - but to show that your heart is finally rejecting him as the abject and f* f*oreign (to you) bastard he became.
You pulled him up to you and she is dragging him down.
You had the best he could have become and she will be left with a rotten divorcee.
ROAR ROAR as the clever ladies said above and let the sewage drown them down.
Ophelie you still have a few weeks of deep pain but you are at a good turning point! Have faith.
Did you get these black bin bags?
How to reach the CLOSURE so needed to heal from painful break-ups?
Did your solicitor send the letter. If so maybe you should make it follow by an e-mail where you clearly tell him that the divorce is not on amicable terms because:
1- you were still discussing having another child together and, you were happy to be his wife and on the face of it he was still happily married
2- just days before you discovered the affair you were on a nice happy family holidays
3- you were shocked when you discovered the affair (and their dirty little rendez-vous in stationery cupboards)
4- you were deeply hurt and confused when he chose to leave you for her the following day of the discovery day. He did not disclose you the affair on his own and never explained or was honest about his emotional detachment.
5- after he left he never looked back.
Maybe go to a counselor to help draw such letter. It will prevent him from rewriting the divorce. More importantly it might bring some CLOSURE that you deserve so much. CLOSURE is very important in the healing process.

He's probably seen a lawyer who is advising him to be "friendly and reasonable." Beware.

I forgot to hug you and to wish you a better day in my previous post. So I will ramble a bit again if you do not mind. (I need to ramble before I get on with my daily business- your pain became my pain and our pain Ophelia).
Most posters have wiser posts than mine (and more entertaining as well - to name but a few: LEDKR BLESSED GERTI ...)
I just want to add something about him and OW: some suggest that it is likely that WF is just toying a bit with him and will soon get rid of him because 'everyone in the office sings her praises'. I doubt it. It would have implied some self-esteem in her and this does not sit well with going down on her knees to give him a BJ in the stationery cupboard. Besides we have only him to hear about how wonderful she is- and he speaks from his dick- so from all we know she might be a desperate divorcee who is happy to have taken him from Ophelie. Hang on you might be right ladies: H was an attractive man when he was with Ophelie but now he is a wimpy boneless heartless man in a rented 3-bedroom flat, who will also have to juggle with twins (who can play up the oppositional defiant behavior as Ophelie attested yesterday) - so maybe just maybe you are right. He is not good anymore at boosting her self-esteem.
Anyway I am just rambling. Who cares of her? The most important is that you Ophelie- our Phee (Phee sounds like the French word 'fille' that means daughter) - is getting tired of him and you started tearing him off your heart.
The hardest steps forward have been made and you are starting the recovery path by roaring. Please go to a counselor to discuss your feelings and clear your heart and head of them. Please take advice about how to reach closure.
Have a better day Ophelie! Have faith in he future Phee! Big Hugs to you and your little ones.

Your anger is completely reasonable (a lot more reasonable than what many pps and myself would probably have done in your situation!). Use the anger and make sure you protect yourself.

De lurking to say Hello Phee, you are magnificent, you might not feel it, but you are xx

Keep contact as dispassionate as possible. Do not engage with this fuckwit.

Offload on here.

Basically, be a swan...appear to glide smoothly whilst paddling frantically underneath.

Much love xxx

You bloody go girl!!

I totally back emailed B&G and letting them know how the land lies

With regards to your H, you need to put your foot down and let him know how things are going to be

How flaming dare he email you to say how things will be. He gave up the right to have a say in how your life progresses when he shacked up with WF

He can collect his personally belongings, everything else stays with you until the divorce happens.

You need to embrace this anger, Phee.

He is playing it all light and nice because it suits him. I have no idea how you have kept your cool for so long. He isnt the man you married, you need to stop protecting him. He doesnt think for you.

So proud of you, you keep going, you are bloody amazing!

Of course he's being 'reasonable' and 'friendly'. He bloody needs to be because if he's not? you, my dear, would have started fighting back before now and he can't afford for you to do that. He needs to keep you sweet, you see, because you can take him to the cleaners. He doesn't want that, the little toad.

And yy to however said he's probably had a solicitor tell him to keep it 'nice'. Twat.

*whoever

nope, right first time! however

Whatever

Listen, you have every right to feel how you feel...anger, love, hate, fear.

Your anger, bubbling to the surface is now going to make you not consider what he thinks of you....before you probably worried what he thought.

He is a deluded, self centred coward.

Your mantra's should be

'He doesn't have the right to minimise how I feel by being Mr nicey'

'He cannot treat me like a child or even as his mother/sister because I am not'

'He cannot dictate what will happen 'I'll pick up the DT on x at this time'

'He can just fuck off'

Just another adding my voice to say what a delusion, self serving fucker

Ophelia, I have wanted to post for a long time but have been caught up in my own very similar nightmare. I am nearly 2 years ahead of you though. I would like to give you some advice based on my own experiences. Firstly, your H is using your shock, grief and disbelief to walk all over you and your children. Mine did the same. Please do not believe any financial promises. Indeed it would be better if you can get in front of a mediator as soon as possible and get a legal document sealed by the court. I have unfortunately had to take my husband to court, he did exactly the same but reneged on every financial promise he made and I now find myself benefit dependent in middle age, with an autistic child while my husband and the OW live the life of riley. That is another story (which is here in full on MN if you want to have a look). Regarding the OW...my God, what an absolute self-righteous bitch. Please don't be taken in by the "reasonable woman" act. She will be wanting to portray how wonderful she is. She isn't. She's a c*. How DARE she. I had all of this, "I promise I will always do right by you and your children". She didn't/hasn't/makes mine and my children's lives an absolute misery. She couldn't keep up with the pretence for very long and when I found my feet and stood up to them, the attitude changed. She didn't like it one bit. I have had her in court twice now, she is vile about my children, vile to me and to this day, I am still fighting to keep my little boy away from her and he doesn't have overnights, only seeing his father twice a week during the day. She dismissed my son's autism out of hand and accused me of "attention seeking and only having him assessed to claim DLA". I am quite interested in the fact that your OW has suggested meeting you....goodness me, the ego's these women have. "My" OW did the same...because, she said, she wanted to offer me "support and somebody to shout at"...while shagging my husband. Please don't be taken in. Whether you take up that offer is up to you of course, but please tread very carefully, her motives will not be what you think. With regards to the children meeting her? I don't bloody think so. Most solicitors will advise a minimum of 6 months before meeting new partners mainly because affairs usually fail early on. Do not allow your kids to be dragged into this new set up now. It is WAY too soon and I am utterly disgusted at your husband and his OW. They are all so deluded and only consider themselves, not the impact on anybody around them. I haven't read all three threads through completely, so I don't know what help you have sought. I had counselling, 17 weeks worth, to help me cope. I have to say I am recovering, but not there yet. I still feel a lot of pain and we are still in the midst of the family courts. If I can be of any help at all, please feel free to PM me,I I have seen it all, I really have. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can, however, promise you that it does get better. Sending love and hugs xx

Actually, also, fuck being polite. Tell him to fuck right off, what an arsehole he is. He can't dictate anything, he's lost his right to do that. You call the shots, you tell him what suits you, you get the ball rolling with finances. My blood is boiling on your behalf. I am off for a run now, I do that lot, it is anger management!! You know, real life will catch up with them. If it's any comfort, my ex was a good looking man, looked after himself, he is now a hugely overweight, bloated, yellow mess. The teetotal health freak is now a raging alcoholic, the OW looks like his mother (she is a lot older than both of us). They are a pair of messes. Anybody who thinks they sail off into the sunset in these circumstances are mistaken. Also, I didn't name OW on divorce papers, I bloody well wish I had now. I really do. When my H realised I was divorcing him for adultery, he tried to get it stopped as he couldn't have the "slight" on OW's "business and reputation". It DOES matter being named on somebody's divorce papers. I wouldn't give it a second thought, I really wouldn't. She deserves to be named for shacking up with the married man, she KNEW he was married, she KNEW he had children yet she went ahead anyway. She does not deserve anything other than your complete contempt.

I would suggest only contacting solicitors once you're calmer about the situation or once mediation has taken place. I'm not condoning your H's actions for one minute and of course he has responsibilities he has to step up to but try to be realistic about what is reasonable going forward. The only person winning when arguments go back and forth through solicitors is the solicitor. £££££

Totally agree stinkers which is why I mentioned mediation. I have to say it was an epic fail for me, my H refused to mediate, it was a total waste of time and money. However, if you get him NOW while he's feeling guilty and wanting to "do right" by you and the children, you've got a better chance of getting a sealed order and the financial settlement you want rather than going through what I have and the courts. I think you need to get mediation in place immediately. You can also do "shuttle" mediation if you wish ie : you're seen in different rooms. Some find this easier, personally I wanted to look the POS in the eyes. He was trembling. It gave me some comfort!

Anger is not irrational in this situation. It is protection.

The minute you start getting angry, is the minute you have decided to not take his shit anymore.

It is definitely your friend here. You need to embrace and channel it very wisely.

And by that I mean, not cutting up all his shirts, but going for everything that suits you and your twins; regardless of whether it inconveniences him or puts him in less favourable position.

If he moans say- "have you found her yet?

And when he says -who?

That woman who gives a shit

I'm glad you are angry Ophelia, and well you should be. I don't buy this:
I think he's acting as though this is an amicable separation because it's the only scenario his brain can accept. I don't think he is behaving all the time like it's an amicable split actually. He knows from your requests about OW and the fact you don't want to be around on him when he picks twins up that it's not amicable. If it was amicable you could ALL go to the wedding, couldn't you?

If it was so amicable, why would he be deciding that you don't want to come to the wedding because he's decided to take OW? I just CAN'T GET OVER THE NERVE OF THIS MAN. He should be asking if you want to go first. If you don't want to go, that's fine, he can take who he likes.

It's like he wants you to be his friend, but understands you don't like OW, so hey, you can be HIS friend, but not her friend. Of course you must still love him because isn't he just SO awesome, right? Whatever he's done, you must want to be his friend. Of course, you must be devastated not to be with him, but you must want to leap on every crumb of friendship he offers you, right. Because he is SO awesome.

He's really got something coming to him. And I hope it comes fast.

PS> Well done for telling him that his stuff is in the garage. That was great.

MerryMarigold, the man is a total narcissist. I remember my husband leaving me on my knees and saying "I really hope we'll be lifelong friends" before swanning off with OW. They are just beyond belief. You hit the nail on the head with the last line of your post....I bloody hope so too. He needs a huge reality check.

Ophelia, I just saw you left everything in the garage...good for you girl. Your strength is growing .

I think you're right MrsC. I said a similar thing on the very first thread. That Ophelia would look back and be glad not to be with him. I don't like how often 'narc' is shouted on MN, but I think in this case it may be right.

Ophelia, you really are going to be so so much better off than OW in the long run, being free of him.

MrsC
Phee I get the impression that you're such a lovely person that rage and hatred are not 'natural' emotions for you. But they are completely rational and natural in your situation. Anger can feel frightening but, if you channel it, rather than randomly lashing out, it can actually be a powerful catalyst and part of the healing process. What can be corrosive and destructive is bitterness which comes about when people get stuck in the angry stage and can't get to the acceptance stage or they try to keep a lid on everything and try to suppress their anger.
You wouldn't be human if you weren't raging at what this sorry sack of shit has done to you and your beautiful children. What are you up to today?

I think the trouble with Ophelia having very brief/ no contact is that she can't see him for who he is. The contact really reveals his character. I remember the first thread, Ophelia, when you were first finding out. The kinds of things he said/ did were so extremely shocking to us. This is yet another example. Yes, please use the anger productively. He is not a nice man.

I agree that a message along the lines of what have already been suggested might be needed. He seems utterly deluded and it seems like he needs it spelt out for him.

'Dear (Bastard), you have betrayed me and torn mine and the childrens' lives apart. Your actions have been sordid, selfish and deceitful.

There seems to be a misunderstanding on your part that we can now have an amicable relationship. Your actions have made this impossible.

I want no contact with you unless it is specifically about the children. I need time and space to heal and rebuild my life without you.'

So good to see you are embracing your anger, it's a good sign. Also well done on the bin bags in the garage. I suspect that he was hoping for a chat at this time again so good for you. He really does need a reality check if he thinks you are going to be friends with either him or WF. You may not feel it but you are doing amazing, and you have an army of angry MN to call on anytime. Oh also if you want to say things to him but worry of the ramifications then write him a letter, vent your anger, just writing it down helps. Once you are done go into your garden and burn it, maybe with some of the sentimental crap that angers you now. It's a really good letting go process and it may sound a little like a crazy lady thing to do but my psychologist recommended it as an exercise and it really helped. its like letting it go up in smoke really gets it out of you.