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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
temperamentalamongcorvids · 12/05/2015 22:10

I'm delurking to say how much I loathe this utter arse of a man.

You, on the other hand Ophelia, are fabulous.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 12/05/2015 22:14

Thank you for all your support. I'm just utterly fed up tonight. I won't lie the twins were hard work today just one of those days when they both decided to play up not listen and think it was funny when I told them no or asked them to stop doing something then all I need is his stupid bloody emails!

I convinced myself I could never hate him but right now I hate him so damn much and that stupid white who dropped to her knees for him! Seriously shy couldn't he just have the balls to tell me he's fallen in love with someone else damn it. Not only did he not have the decency not to cheat on me but he also seems to think we can be "friends" well he can just fuck right off as far as I'm concerned I've had all that I can take if his ridiculous behaviour

I'm very tired and emotional so
I'm going to get into bed cuddle a pillow and hopefully fall asleep. I'd really like a peaceful nights sleep.

Again thank you - the advice and support you give helpsd through my darkens hours

OP posts:
Ledkr · 12/05/2015 22:18

Night night love.

Keep reminding yourself that many many of us have been the same as you and are here happy again and living.
That will be you soon.

AndyWarholsOrange · 12/05/2015 22:21

Goodnight Ophelia. It's fine to be honest about parenting (It's one of the things I love about MN). I found one 2 year old hard enough to cope with, I can't imagine what it's like coping with two of them on your own. Sending peaceful nights sleep vibes your way xx

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 12/05/2015 22:22

That's it Ophelia let it roar !!
Seriously your last post is a really healthy sign I'm so pleased to see.
Hoping you will keep off thread now until morning and just focus on settling your thoughts/mind x

FriendofBill · 12/05/2015 22:27

My DS used to be very hard work always after spending time with his dad.
It still happens a bit now, less so, 4 years on...be prepared.

inabeautifulplace · 12/05/2015 22:56

Great last post. I don't think you're tired and emotional. That rage is the natural response to someone who has flipped your life upside down and then carried on as if nothing had happened! He is definitely trying to pretend to himself and others that his behaviour has somehow been reasonable.
Agreed on the boundaries, he has to learn that you are only interested in the DTs. And he can buy his own fucking furniture Angry

LucyBabs · 12/05/2015 23:23

Yes I agree let it ROAR Ophelia Get angry at this stupid bastard! how dare he break up your family, break your heart and then have the absolute cheek to try and seem justified in what he did. Oh poor him he fell in love (hahaha!) With someone else, "Why can't my wife just be reasonable and accept it"
Arsehole!!

I would gladly kick him in the balls and enjoy it. Keep going lovely, you're doing great xx

HoggleHoggle · 13/05/2015 06:41

He is just the absolute pits.

Yes to bin bags in the shed. No to any furniture at this point! Who the hell does he think he is?

As for the wedding invitation, I'm speechless. Quite apart from the fact that it's outrageous of him to disinvite you, if the b&g have any sense they will be furious too. This isn't a party he can bring anyone he wants to, it's a wedding. Why on earth would they want a stranger there?

I think you really need to put him in his place on that. Hideous man.

I hope you managed to get a decent night's sleep. Use this much deserved anger towards him to put this bastard in his place.

Dumdedumdedum · 13/05/2015 06:56

it has to be spelt out to him that you are not friends because he has done something incredibly cruel and shameful, and that the only communication between you should be about the children. Strong, dignified and not letting him off the hook.
This^^

and this:
I agree that he is acting as though this was an amicable mutual split - he needs reminding that he completely omitted to discuss it with you.

and most of all, this: ROAR

Thank God, the anger is kicking in. Use it to your benefit. I hope you are feeling a bit better today and ready to fight to stop him rewriting your history.

All I can offer are {{{{{virtual hugs}}}}} and FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 13/05/2015 07:29

The twins slept through so I woke up about 5 am really confused because I'm so used to being woken up at least a once. Unfortunately I couldn't go back to sleep because my mind was swimming with all sorts of thoughts and feelings.

I'm still really angry I just can't get past the nerve of him. He's not the man I married or fell in love with. I can't believe he thinks he an just rewrite history and pretend that this is some mutual split!

If he wants OW in his life so damn bad then he can own up to what he did and say this is yeh woman I lied and cheated on my wife with.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 13/05/2015 07:34

That's the anger kicking in phee it's like a boiling rage but it's the beginning of your healing pathway.
Embrace it. You are right to be angry, his behaviour is disgusting and cruel.

Phoenix0x0 · 13/05/2015 07:40

You do have every right to be Angry.

Don't be afraid of it and don't keep it bottled up. Not good for you.

Flowers
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 13/05/2015 07:41

It's just the way he's so friendly and reasonable makes me feel like my anger is unreasonable which is stupid I know!!!

OP posts:
Phoenix0x0 · 13/05/2015 07:44

Your anger is not unreasonable. AT ALL

He is deluded and needs a sharp decent to reality.

Mama1980 · 13/05/2015 07:51

Your anger is not unreasonable at all. Your anger is healthy. His behaviour has been totally appalling by any sane/aware persons standards.
He is seriously deluded, you cannot behave the way he has and face no consequences.

Rosieliveson · 13/05/2015 07:53

So sorry you were up so early.
This is how you should feel about a man who has done this to you. You have every right to be angry. He is minimising by being so friendly, trying to make out that his disgusting behaviour was 'for the best'. Well screw him! Screw his happily ever after! Good on you!

winkywinkola · 13/05/2015 07:53

I wouldn't be able to resist saying to him, "Are you stupid? Do you really think you can behave like a dog in heat with some slapped in a stationery cupboard and think everything is just dandy? And don't you ever date tell me where I can and cannot go. If I am invited to that wedding, I shall decide for myself if I want to go. Not you. Now piss off."

winkywinkola · 13/05/2015 07:53

Slapped

winkywinkola · 13/05/2015 07:54

SlappER. BLOODY autocorrect.

Dumdedumdedum · 13/05/2015 07:55

I'm another one who is glad you are angry and thinks you are not at all unreasonable. I think I agree that although Ice Queen is the way to go in general, with only discussion about the children between you, preferably via email, and the rest via solicitors, you first need to send him just one email which explains how badly he has behaved and that he needs to understand the split was not mutual and he cannot expect you to behave as if it was amicable when it was foisted on you out of the blue. I think Rosieliveson suggested a good one last night.
Dear H, you seem to be under the illusion that you and I are friends. We were husband and wife, partners and best friends. However, after your shameful actions and blatant disregard for our marriage vows, we are now nothing more than co parents. Please cease any further contact that is not directly about the children. I simply do not wish to hear it! Phee
Perhaps you could elaborate on it to mention the wedding? Or not.

laurierf · 13/05/2015 08:02

It's just the way he's so friendly and reasonable makes me feel like my anger is unreasonable which is stupid I know!!!

He wasn't so friendly when you simply told someone the truth (without even going into the sordid details) about him and WF though was he?

HootyMcTooty · 13/05/2015 08:05

I'm glad to see you getting angry Phee. One day you will have to let go of the anger or it will eat you up, but it is an essential part of the recovery process when something like this happens. Your anger is your first line of defence against his twattery.

AndyWarholsOrange · 13/05/2015 08:05

Ophelia Your anger is NOT irrational! Everyone who has posted here is incandescent with rage on your behalf. Sadly, there are hundreds of threads on here about cheating husbands but yours is one of the worst I've read due to him brazenly swanning round trying to be mates with you and sharing the wisdom of WF's parenting advice like he's done nothing wrong. He needs to be confronted with the reality of his behaviour.
Keep roaring!!!!

FriendofBill · 13/05/2015 08:09

And if you email B&G and send you apologies, that H has left you for another woman, he will be a prick about that as well.
And anytime he doesn't get his own way.

I think it's no coincidence the DT's were up in the night, my DS was unsettled everytime after seeing his father. Sometimes it would take all week to settle him then would be visiting and the whole thing would be upset again.

Start looking at other childcare options to help you out so you are not relying on him.

Fuck him!

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