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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Akifden · 12/05/2015 20:13

Is it possible he's trying to goad Ophelia so that he can divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour? I hope he gets his letter from the lawyer soon Angry

BlessedAndGr8fulNoInLaws4Xmas · 12/05/2015 20:13

GERTI is spot on.

He is being friendly because you have been such a significant part of his life- my H did exactly the same - and behaved exactly the same afterwards - telling me all sorts of intricate detail about their lives together that really made me howl inside - he turned round and said that we had been through so much together that he felt he could talk to me about anything and everything.

I told him that the boundaries were different now.

Ophelia congratulate yourself for telling him about the plans for his belongings.

And Ophelia , this will hit him at some point. You may not see it , or hear it , but this is NOT happy ever for him x

SuffolkNWhat · 12/05/2015 20:17

Hooty's email to the B&G is a good one, lands him in the shit if they didn't know he was bringing WF to their wedding.

HootyMcTooty · 12/05/2015 20:17

I think lots of people who do what Phee's husband has done are too stupid to realise that in starting a new relationship they have in fact ended another, and all that that entails.

It seems they often have to be told that the relationship is over and they don't get to continue to be a consideration in your life, you don't have to give a shit about what he wants let alone what he thinks and he forfeited his right to chat when he left you for WF.

Vivacia · 12/05/2015 20:18

I think he's acting as though this is an amicable separation because it's the only scenario his brain can accept. It can't possibly be conscientious.

He needs to learn that communication can only be about the children. All else through your solicitor. Have you explained this to him? In the meantime, I agree with those saying not to respond to any chatty shit. He's lost that.

Lilacflower · 12/05/2015 20:18

What Ubik said to email him.

He needs his bubble burst. This is not an amicable mutual split but entirely down to his lying and cheating.

Ledkr · 12/05/2015 20:22

That makes sense vivacia looking back I can see my ex behaved the same.
I got home once and there was a boat on my drive, yes a boat.

I asked why and he said he'd got nowhere to keep it.

At this point I was working my arse off to keep the house going while he went on lots of exotic holidays with ow.

He was flabbergasted when I told him exactly where he could put his boat.

He obviously thought we were all pally despite his despicable behaviour.

I understand now after all this time.

Thanks.

Phoenix0x0 · 12/05/2015 20:31

He needs his bubble burst. And quickly!

He needs to be put straight that YOU make decisions for yourself thank you; meaning that he needs to stop making assumptions.

Who the fuck is to say wether a) will they still be together by said wedding and b) HE DOES NOT DECIDE! Angry

Well done on bagging his possessions in black bin liners. Yes I agree, it does send a strong message.

In regard to the three bedroom place. Most three bed places I know have two reasonable bedrooms and a box room..did he often work from home? Could this be used as an office? Just saying.

Please,,please let him communicate via DB/DF for now.....it may stop this overly pally correspondence, which in turn is causing more upset.

Wanker.

She is a piece of work.

bjrce · 12/05/2015 20:33

What HootymcTooty said, but I would add in, "following the discovery of his affair, he left me and DC and he will be bring OW

paddymcgintysmum · 12/05/2015 20:35

Well done so far Phee.
Your parents must be so caring of you, and I despise your spineless in-laws as must your dear parents, though they wouldn't say so.

The relationship between him and OW is going nowhere.(Though he's kidding himself.)
Since when did an independent woman, "admired by all" and with her own home, chance her future on a blow job and sex over an office desk with someone else's husband, father to twins and nowhere to live?

Did they date or declare undying love? Have they got to know one another? Did they holiday or spend weekends together?

Doubt it, and I bet she is privately horrified at how some much needed raw sex on her behalf, has morphed into an invite to a wedding as a couple.

I daresay it will last for six months, limping along as she has to face it out, but it won't last.
If there was any future from her side, he wouldn't be renting.

Bag his belongings, don't resort to losing or spoiling things, that's petty.

My worry for you Phee is when he comes limping home.

DayLillie · 12/05/2015 20:37

I think he's acting as though this is an amicable separation because it's the only scenario his brain can accept and appears to be having this reinforced by WF (at least this seems to be his interpretation) whose marriage was a different marriage that broke up in completely different circumstances of which we know nothing. He seems to be treading his own path in his own world.

Charley50 · 12/05/2015 20:38

I agree with you letting him know how much he has hurt you, and with ubik too. I don't know, I'm no expert but I feel that if you are too Ice Queen he will feel justified in saying that neither of you cared anymore, and that you were fine about the whole thing. Obv generally be Ice Queen but he should be told the damage he has done to you and the twins, by destroying your family life, as he seems too thick or insensitive to work it out for himself.

And sorry, he's such a wanker Ophelia, don't let him take your furniture.

Rosieliveson · 12/05/2015 20:39

I know people have advised not letting him see the hurt but maybe that is what he needs to shatter this ridiculous illusion of happy ever afters all around! If you feel he has stomped on your heart the tell him so.

Dear H, for some reason you do not seem content with the hurt that you have caused with your shameful adulterous behaviour which has broken apart our family. You seem determined to pour salt into the wounds by regaling me with tales of the rosy future you have planned with the other woman (essential she is called this here I think). Even you must see how truly despicable this is. It is essential that you understand that we will never be friends. I no longer want to hear a single thing about any aspect of your life other than the children we share. After the way you have stomped on our marriage and my heart I feel you owe me this one courtesy. Regards, Phee.

I would not respond to anything he says after this that is not directly related to the children. In fact, I would be tempted to reply by email, blanking out any sentences that so not refer directly to the children.

He has behaved like a prize twat and he has broken your heart. He should know this!

Ubik1 · 12/05/2015 20:44

I bet she is privately horrified at how some much needed raw sex on her behalf, has morphed into an invite to a wedding as a couple.

Yy to this

GERTI · 12/05/2015 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HootyMcTooty · 12/05/2015 20:46

That's not a bad suggestion. It leaves him no room to claim you didn't care, but it is not begging or pleading so still dignity is maintained.

When will he get the letter from your lawyer?

laurierf · 12/05/2015 20:57

Oh, Phee Flowers

I agree with the response to him suggested above - it has to be spelt out to him that you are not friends because he has done something incredibly cruel and shameful, and that the only communication between you should be about the children. Strong, dignified and not letting him off the hook. I also agree with the suggested response with regard to the wedding couple "He had an affair at work and left us for the OW 3 weeks ago. I understand he will now be taking the OW to your wedding and I'm terribly sad to miss out on your big day and would love to see the photos" sort of thing.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 12/05/2015 20:58

I just want him to go away! Why can't he just disappear off with stupid slutty OW and just go away!

OP posts:
HiImBarryScott · 12/05/2015 21:00

Everyone has said everything better than me, but just another voice to say do not let him remove any of the marital assets from the house!

As for the wedding invitation...I assume it was to Mr & Mrs and not to Mr & date? I would certainly be telling him that his mistress was not invited and that you planned to attend. Whether you go or not would be academic, but do not agree with him that to WF can take your place.

If I was the bride & groom I would be disgusted if I had invited a couple I had been friendly with for years and the one of them brought along a new partner from an adulterous relationship who wasn't even invited!

I agree with the others that you may have to spell out to him how hurtful, insensitive and disrespectful he is being. He clearly has no idea.

Rosieliveson · 12/05/2015 21:00

Gradually it will hurt less. One way or another he will become a part of your history and you will feel better Flowers

FriendofBill · 12/05/2015 21:01

Compose that email Ophelia, get those boundaries in place.

Sending mountains of strength to you.

SignoraStronza · 12/05/2015 21:02

I like Rosieliveson's message too. Gets the point across in a succint and dignified manner. It leaves no room to imagine that you will play along with this ridiculous 'friends' charade and that you are anything other than heartbroken.
On another note, please don't let him in to start pilfering the assets/chattels of marriage i.e. your household furniture. ShockStuff his possessions only in binbags outside, or garage/shed if you're feeling kind.

Ledkr · 12/05/2015 21:06

I just want him to go away! Why can't he just disappear off with stupid slutty OW and just go away

He pretty much can darling if you cut contact as much as possible.

Aim to know sod all about what they are up to, it's the only way.

It will speed up the healing no end.

I will eat my hat if it doesn't work.

And yes a frigging boat was in my driveway, for him to enjoy his new single life while I raised our children.

This was around a week after he had destroyed mine and the children's current lives.

A BOAT

AndyWarholsOrange · 12/05/2015 21:36

Phee I agree that he needs to know how much he's hurt you and how unforgivable his behaviour is. You can do that in a dignified way ie not begging and pleading but I think it's important that he hears it, whether it comes from you or your family. Otherwise, he can carry on telling himself that you're cool with it.
It's as though he's totally rewriting history in his head, you can almost hear him telling people 'Well, you know, things hadn't been right for a while, we decided to go our separate ways and WF was helping me through it and things just kind of happened'. Sometimes, if people tell themselves a lie often enough, they begin to believe it. Maybe he hadn't been happy for a while (although I doubt that's true) but, rather than do what decent people do and talk to their partner about it, he just went off and got his dick sucked at work. I agree that he is acting as though this was an amicable mutual split - he needs reminding that he completely omitted to discuss it with you.
All this detail he's giving you about his plans to invite WF for dinner with his parents, what the sex was like, mentioning a wedding that's not happening for 4 months - he's either delusional or incredibly cruel or both.
And I totally reckon that this is not what WF had in mind when she was on her knees in the stationery cupboard.
You are amazing and I am in total awe of you. Channel that anger.

Mama1980 · 12/05/2015 21:45

Ledkr Talks sense in her above post.
Keep Contact to a minimum, always have someone there at handover, communicate only via email and only when absolutely necessary.
Don't get sucked into conversation, into mind games, be the ice queen as much as you can.
It hurts like hell I know but it will help no end in the long run.
With the eating thing I suffered a trauma a few years ago, and could barely eat I was advised to try lots of toast and full sugar squash plus complan (I recommend banana flavour) which you can get on prescription if you speak to your gp. Fluids are more important than food I used to mark a jug a few mouthfuls every hour or two and before you know it you've drunk pints.
His words and actions are beneath contempt. Angry