Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

Ophelia,

Its obviously a bit of both, he in his deluded mind, thinks he really hasn't done any wrong ( as he is in such a happy state), and she is coaching him all the way, he listens and agrees with everything she says.

I would be very clear with anyone who asks, "he committed adultery and left me and the DCs", not the "We've separated" bullshit, he'll try to spin to everyone.

He obviously hasn't received the letter from the solicitor yet.

It's not his invitation to take back. Why does he get to decide you aren't going to the wedding, Ophelia?

Just when you think he can stoop no lower, he turns into a contortionist! Sorry, words fail me. Everyone else has expressed themselves so well. I agree that you should send a polite email to the bride and groom saying you're sorry you can't attend because of the separation, along the lines of what Gerti said.
It's all about him, still, isn't it? I am reeling at the way he thinks he can just casually introduce WF to the children and get her to play Happy Families with them immediately, which is seriously what I think he thinks is going to happen, without it having any effect on the children. I'm sorry, he is an utter prat. I do hope you are beginning to wonder what you ever saw in him and that you are starting to become as outraged about his behaviour as a lot of us are on your behalf.

Ophelia, i would send balloonslayers message to the happy couple because you never know - they might just tell your husband he is no longer welcome!

What GERTI just said. His apparent 'friendliness' is all about making HIMSELF feel better - it is not for your benefit unfortunately. It assuages his guilt somewhat if he thinks that you're not affected by this disgusting behaviour of his and he can convince himself that you might have separated one day anyway.

Believe me - he does NOT want to hear that you're hurting, or angry because he can pretend in his own feeble little pea-brained (sorry, that's an insult to peas) mind that it's all ok.

He'll keep acting as though his behaviour is ok, and it will become worse and more demanding of you over time. Start pushing back now and set the scene for how things are going to be. You don't have to take his shit Ophelia, you really don't.

You are worth 100 of him and 10000 of her, whatever you feel right now.

Make that more than 100000 of the pair of them.

I second GERTI's assertion that he still feels he wants you as part of his life as you have been for such a long time. He just doesn't seem to understand that he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it.

Maybe you need to make it clear. Ie Dear H, you seem to be under the illusion that you and I are friends. We were husband and wife, partners and best friends. However, after your shameful actions and blatant disregard for our marriage vows, we are now nothing more than co parents. Please cease any further contact that is not directly about the children. I simply do not wish to hear it! Phee

And Ophelia, I think that if you're ever confused about what action to take next, you should probably listen to GERTI. She speaks much common sense and has, so far, been very level headed. You could do much worse than listen to her...

Ophelia:
Wee said he has a stunted growth- stuck in school years (maybe still in the reception- having fun doing a wee in the stationery cupboard)- I agree
GERTI says that he is still connected to you I agree
RosieLevinson suggested a good letter to the bride and groom.
And as PPs said maybe you might send him a letter reminding him that you your divorce is not amicable but following adultery and you choosing to leave to go to the OW.

Oh Ophelie! How much more will we have to put up with before your heart completely heals ? because it will heal- have faith-
Big Hugs love- (He is deluded and he took big leaps to join her in her deluded world. Do you know this couple from Tate's gallery that get so high hyper excited by the platitude they say to each other?)

It's not his invitation to take back.

Quite. I'd phone the bride or groom and say that you're sorry to hear that they've uninvited you and although you wish they'd done it personally, you understand their decision.

I'm just so fed up of his shit! It's like he has to keep saying ha ha ha I've moved on and I just want to remind you constantly and rub your nose in it! Ok I get it you've rented a place you've got a new go yuure planning on being a couple ... Stop bloody well stomping over my heart! Can't you just be fuckinh satisfied with the first wave of hurt and destruction you caused

You've been so outwardly strong I'm sure he's needling you for a reaction because his sizeable ego cannot cope with the idea that you haven't lost your shit yet. There is no way he isn't trying to piss you off over the wedding - no need to bring it up now, no need to uninvited you, no need to cast aspersions about the strength if your friendship with the couple.

This is one sadistic wanker who presumably is clutching for anything at all to allow him to suggest that you're unreasonable.

Thank god you're brilliant . Stay strong

I'm having such trouble getting my head round this. Your husband moved out just over three weeks ago. Yet he is behaving as if you are being abnormal to not have immediately accepted him turning your world upside down nor to have adapted immediately to all the changes to your world which have come about all because of his behaviour, not yours. His behaviour is not normal, yours is - he has to understand that he can't have a "coup de foudre" (lightning strike/falling in love) and just bugger off and leave you to deal with the mess he's left behind. All the rubbish about the WF making him feel better because everything had been such a terrible struggle for him at work and at home, when actually, he was advancing his career and was happy to be a father to both your children until he got involved with WF.
I'm not clear, here - you ARE only going to let him take his own stuff, not the furniture and things from the house you've owned jointly for the past 12 years? Somebody mentioned telling him you're not discussing division of assets until divorce proceedings have started, I think? That surely has to be the way to go?
I do hope you are starting to get really angry with him. Why he expects to be able to put you in the wrong is beyond me, when he must know he himself has behaved extraordinarily badly.
More hugs and lots of

He really is a special kind of dickhead isn't he?! In the end that might be better for you ironically, cos you will start to hate him sooner rather than later. I can see how hard it must be for someone like you to not only lose your man, but have to put up with someone else playing mummy with your babies, especially as it is so soon.

As others have said, he obviously thinks he can go from married, family man, to separated, living with OW and having the kids whenever it suits him. Anybody with an ounce of compassion would take his time with all this stuff. I'm almost 100 % sure that at some point he'll decide he's made a mistake and want to come back, and I just hope and pray you'll have moved on by then.

I know you're supposed to channel your inner ice queen etc

But I would tell him emphatically what you have just told us - that he is behaving as if this is a mutual separation - and it isn't. He lied and cheated. This isn't a 'conscious uncoupling' scenario. Tell him that he is being deeply disrespectful to your marriage in constantly telling you how he wants things to be., telling you WF's thoughts on raising your children. He is not the 'good guy' he thinks he is and is behaving like an infatuated teenager.

Short and sharp.

The fucker.

Long time lurker who has read this horrendous thread and has felt so sad for you but 'this' has made me explode with anger on your behalf. if I were you I would respond to his univite with ' the invitation was to us both and I will be attending with my date' ...in my experience wankers like your ex are happy to leave without a backwards look as long as they have no competition. As soon as you tell him you are not pining and HE can be replaced in weeks, it will put a hand grenade in paradise... he will go ballistic. Light the touch paper , sit back and ignore all questions about who , how , what.. You may decide not to do this , but I couldn't resist !! Take that tosspot !! He will not be able to cope with the idea of your DT having a new' daddy 'figure and even if you don't follow through, it will piss him off big time, which in itself will be worth EVERY second.

It sounds to me like others have said, that he checked out emotionally some time ago, I would not engage and only respond when you absolutely have to if he contacts you about something in particular. Tortuous as it is IGNORE all the other shit. He is living in cloud cuckoo land and refusing to face your hurt. I would however get your family to have a word with him about having a bit of fucking sensitivity when dealing with you from now on and that you really do not need to hear anything about OW at all and he should just stick to contact details. I'd also make sure any future pick ups for anything you are not alone until you start to feel stronger. What an absolute heartless man he is.

the invitation was to us both and I will be attending with my date

"The twins may have mentioned him? They've started calling him Daddy One, bless".

I see you ophelia he needs to back right off, yet he doesn't.

Its like you are a target dummy for him to stab stab stab...

The other ladies here are right, please don't let him see how this is hurting you and we all know it is.

There are a lot of good posts on your threads, scroll through them, copy and paste bits that suit your thinking on to a seperate word document, take from them what you need and put together your email, with dignity.

Maybe one day you should tell him that by his actions he has hurt you more than anyone ever has, and that is not what friends do.

But until then, ignore.

I would however get your family to have a word with him about having a bit of fucking sensitivity when dealing with you from now on and that you really do not need to hear anything about OW at all and he should just stick to contact details.

Yy to this.

Honestly he is going beyond out of order with this and you need someone to tell him so. Your dad or brother need to have a word on the phone or via email.

I'm so sorry he is such a heartless bastard.

What an abysmal prick he is!

Do not let him take furniture. He is only entitled to his personal effects, anything else is a joint asset of the marriage and will be included in the financial agreement. He needs to hear this before he comes tomorrow thinking he can take what he wants. He has no right to remove furniture from your home!

As for the wedding. I would email the couple and say

"Dear B&G, as you have probably heard, stbxh and I are no longer together following my discovery of his affair and, as I understand it, he will be bringing OW to your wedding. I'm sorry I cannot be there for your wonderful day, I will be thinking of you and wishing you all the best on the day. I'd love to see the photographs."

You retain dignity whilst letting them know how you feel. I bet they don't even know he's planning on bringing OW.

Don't understand his nastiness and lack of compassiona for you at all.
It's as if he's got a score to settle with you.

I think he will probably look a bit of a cunt at the wedding too. I'd be thoroughly unimpressed with an attendee at my wedding doing that.

Remember phee, at the moment it's all rosy for him but in I time you will move on with your life and he will be mightily surprised at how he feels.
My ex was all fine and dandy with his new life and the ow, gadding about the place and being smug.

When I was dating again he was bloody furious and rang me up to have a rant which made him seem like a right knob as he'd been cheating.

"Didn't take you long to get your knickers off" he said crassly.

"Well at least I waited untill we weren't together anymore" I replied cockily.

"You can do much better" he retorted.

"What like you?" I replied.

Seriously honey, your day will come, I promise.

In the meantime, cut any communication now. He's always going to piss you off so cut it out.

Remember that scab needs to heal before it drops off to reveal new skin.

Oh yes and big brother tonigh, will you be joining the PWB thread?