Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

Totally agree with blessed and that website sounds fab too.
I packed up my ex's stuff whilst listening to "black street" I like the way you work it.
I then painted my bedroom bright pink and strung fairy lights every where.

Ledkr-that sounds amazing. How cathartic would that be? Literally binning him. I'm amazed at how you've coped Ophelia. You're doing amazingly well.

I agree - get it all packed up in binbags. Bung it in shed or garage. Then when he collects you can just leave it on the doorstep.

I redecorated the whole house and rearranged furniture - new bedding, bright colours, snazzy second hand furniture - was fab. It doesn't have to cost a bomb, and it is all about reclaiming your space and choosing what you want. Invaluable and empowering.

My mate got fed up with Her exs tuxedo hanging around in her wardrobe after two years so she gave it to the charity shop opposite her work.
A couple of days later he asked for it so she denied all knowledge of it but spent her working days looking at it in the window of the charity shop.
How we laughed

Bin bags sounds perfect. Don't pack it all beautifully as if you were moving house. He really doesn't deserve your time. He deserves to feel some disdain from you.

Hope you're OK. I think this phase is really hard. The shock and 'survival mode' is now going deeper. It's painful and there's a lot of grief. As Ledkr said though. A. New very, very proud of yourself and B. Let yourself enjoy some things and go out of your way to make them happen. You need it for your sanity.

Enjoy the sun today (we had train and now sun). My cat is sitting in a patch of sunlight on the floor and clearly loving it.

Actually, clearing out people's stuff when they have passed away is an important part of the grieving process. It helps you start your new life. It is probably well worth taking charge of it yourself when your DH has decided to move out, rather than making yourself scarce and letting him do it. They have moved on - just in a different manner.

I was going to add that at least you don't have the hassle of taking it to charity shops until I read Ledkr's post

LOL Ledkr!
Ophelie, I will just paraphrase all other posters:
Bin all - absolutely all- his stuff- (including his pictures); well you might 'forget' something that he really likes or that is really expensive and take it to the charity next to your house . If he asks for it ask him to look for it in this cupboard. No just joking. Take inspiration from Ledkr's post: you do not know where it is. Just Little acts to settle scores are really liberating (childish and good fun as well). And this act has the advantage of doing some kind of charity!
Start redecorating your house- without HIM in mind (how liberating)- just YOU and your kids will define how the house will look like now. Move around the furniture- add some cool colorful beany bags in the living room- change the bedcovers- the wallpaper- the curtains- add some soft lights - add a shelf with nice books you like in the living room- new colorful pillows etc mix modern and classical styles and clash colors if you like- make it all as it suits you-
Renew your wardrobe and bin all the things that remind you of him (this old comfy jumpers you used to wear to cuddle next to him on the sofa in the evening: bin them or give them to the charity)- same for pajamas or nightdresses etc.
You really can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of yourself ! Your mum can be proud of you! We are here with you. (I write a lot in the hope that just reading our posts might be a beneficial past-time and might even put some flesh and blood in our anonymous posts- that way you might feel less lonely and your mind might push the evil ones out to make space for us who do really care for you.)
Hugs!

Ophelia Rose, it is not possible for someone to just walk off from a marriage and children like your h has done and never ever consider and evaluate what they have done.

He won't be doing any evaluation right now but it will come. I don't know how long it will take - maybe years - but one day it will belt him right between the eyes.

I really hope that meanwhile you have made plans and have moved on in your life and world.

Your dts will have to know one day what their dad did when they are grown up. It will colour their view of him.

You simply cannot cause such damage and skip off merrily from an established relationship without some consequences.

But don't you waste your time waiting for this to happen. He has missed his chance of life with Ophelia Rose.

Pack up his stuff. Bin bags are ideal. Leave them for him to pick up. You owe him noting. Give him nothing.

The man is a prize loser.

Bin bags = great message!

I think bin bags is a great message too.

And just like you didn't want him to block you on fb 1st, I would suggest you tell him to come get his stuff before he even asks for it. Make sure he knows it is already packed too.

I remember I used v cheap binbags which may have torn and leaked a bit when it rained - whoops ;)

I'll bet he thinks all should be sweetness and light and that he's being wonderfully kind and understanding and Phee is being completely unreasonable. All this being polite and talking as if he was a friend or a brother is just so wrong.

Phee, I am in the binbag camp but think you should just do all the sorting yourself and have them ready for him when you tell him he can come to pick them up, rather than throwing them on the doorstep or sending them to charity. But if you can't face packing his bags yourself, then I think you should make sure you can be out when he comes to pick his stuff up.
Good luck. He is a real piece of work. Uggghhh.

I agree Dum - these men think they can treat you like shite on their shoes - but the minute you stand up for yourself they are not only affronted but appalled that you could possibly be fighting back and treating them with the disdain they deserve.

I had to get solicitor involvement and they stated his items needed to be collected within 14 days and if that didn't happen I could dispose of them as I saw fit. You also need sufficient notice of when they will be collected.

Like the bin bag idea. I'd also add anything of sentimental value (framed photos, gifts etc, but keep copies in the form of your wedding album - tucked away in the loft for the twins to have a look at one day if they want to) so that it hits him.
Toss everything in. Maybe have your mum looking after the dts and your friend and brother over to help.
Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the name of" is a very therapeutic track to listen to - especially the 'chorus' part
I'd really recommend not letting him in - have it all ready in the garage if you have one.
If he has a treasured cd/DVD collection though, I'd definitely let the toddlers 'help' with those. A nice wooden floor with a smattering of grit is the ideal surface on which to sort them.
Small steps Phee, you're doing brilliantly.x

Oo yes totally agree when I suggested the bin bags I left in one room ready for collection - certainly wouldn't leave them on doorstep.

Thinking of you Ophelia x

Really wise empowering messages this morning ladies
Ophelia keep an eye on your weight my lovely - keep an eye on how much you have lost - while you're not managing to eat much try to eat high calories food when your tummy can tolerate them. Even if it's simple things like "milky coffee" "hot chocolate" , full fat ice cream etc.

I like the bin-bags idea, but while I agree you should fuck his stuff into bags any old way, don't give them any ammunition by breaking or damaging his stuff, no matter what temptation you have to do so.

Crumpled shirts shows your disdain for him, broken stuff gives him the excuse that you were already unhinged and therefore he was right to leave you. He would absolutely love any opportunity to claim that you are crazy so don't give it to him. You've kept the higher moral ground this far, dont hand it to him on a plate.

Bag up everything, put it out of sight, redecorate and when he contacts you to arrange getting his things, you can tell him that its been bagged up for ages and he has X days to collect it or its going in a skip.

oh no don't break anything - don't give him the satisfaction.

Yes to bin bags. Don't allow him to wander through your sanctuary picking what he wants. Put his personal effects into bin bags and leave them on the doorstep. Also, one bin bag with items he might think you have a sentimental attachment to relating to your relationship, with a note "do what you want with these, I have no use for them".

It will be hard, but it's better than having him in the house for a long period of time sifting through your joint belongings.

Sorry I've been very quiet today ice had a lot on my mind and just have felt a bit broken down since then weekend.

I finally read his email which was as I expected about the fact he was getting his new place tomorrow so he wanted to organise a time with me so he could come get the remaining stuff he has here clothes wise etc but also all his bigger items of furniture and things like books DVDs etc.

I've inky just responded by saying that I'll leave all his stuff out in the shed in bin bags he can come through the back gate and pick it up tomorrow evening or Thursday evening there's no need to come into the house.

He said that's he's rented a 3 bed place and that he wanted me to know he'll be using some of his funds to buy stuff for the twins room. He said he'd like to get them bunk beds but thinks they're too you so will be getting them a single bed each. He told me not to worry as he's getting proper single beds not junior beds like they have at home so he won't need any of their bedding from me. He's also getting bed guards so said he'll want his tool box as well so he can put the room together.

He makes it sound like they will be sharing so I'm not sure if that means the 3rd bedroom is for OW child?!

Ah old school rows of his (ours) is getting married in September he mentioned that He plans to take OW as his date as he doesn't think I'd want to go anymore since they where more of his friends than mine. Great

Tell the bastard that he thought wrong and you have already planned to go! The cheek of him deciding what you will be doing!!

2 beds can be quite small, usually a main and a box room so that may be shy a 3 bed. Do the DT's have separate rooms at home?

I would state that email is for the arrangements of the children only.

Don't be talkative, with whys or wherefores as it just encourages his drivel.

Something like 'stuff in garage Thursday, pick up DT's Saturday @ 12.' Ophelia.

The chatty tone of his email means he is still looking for emotional support/friendship from you. As has been said before, don't give him an inch of your soul.
Ice queen.
Write to him as if you were taking an inventory.

Well . . . hope they enjoy hearing all the vows they've jointly pissed on.