Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

Ophelie- This is what I ate, drank and how I slept the days I went through hell :
1- I also hate drinking water. I just do not like the taste of plain water. I discovered sparkling mineral water last summer when I went through rough times. I love its thickness and I drink it slowly because of its gaz and it is just as good as a nice herbal tea! Herbal tea is also good.
Buy a nice coffee-maker if you can and love coffee.
2- I lived on sparkling mineral water, digestives and McDonald's (grilled chicken) wraps or home-salads or plain pasts with good cheese for many weeks (+ good coffee in the morning and a nice glass of wine with my evening meal).

3- I also swallowed a few de-stressing over the counter pills that I bought in Paris.
4- I slept in my little ones' (twins) room in the extra bed for sleepovers- I hugged my boys or their fluffy animals. It is really good. I have fond memories for this period, despite the fact that I felt the pain drilling my heart when I was trying to sleep and when I got up in the morning. I soothed myself by softly tapping my foot on the floor - the sleepover bed is the low bed you get when you draw the lower part of my boys' bunker bed. I also hugged myself a lot (fetal position when I did not hug my boys) I reconnected to myself in my kids room (I learnt from them to fight against my 'monsters' and I hugged them and that was so good!)
5- If sleep did not visit me within the hour I was at bed, I got up, went to living room with a nice blanket, a nice book of painters (I love the impressionists) with beautiful paintings, and I switched on some nice music and I relaxed.
6- Bad feelings and thoughts, regrets, yearnings, bygone memories of love and hope and the pain the immense pain that no-one that has never been betrayed can understand : I did not fight with any of them as the time went by. They became my companions during my white nights.

7- Of course there is the OW presence that might be the eternal trigger of our big trauma.
a- Well you must be convinced that you can avoid her for ever. You do not have to play the happy-crappy families with him and her. Of course she might be a big presence in your kids life. But do not worry: your kids will give you their conditional love and they will understand who she is. I have daughters that are past their twenties: it is incredible how much they love each of us (me and their dad) intensely as individuals. (No they were not easy teens but they were wonderful kids and they are wonderful adults.)
b- because of her, your kids are not growing with their dad in the same house; but your kids gained a wonderful auntie (your friend) and a tightened their bonds with a wonderful uncle.
c- it is good that she came around and revealed his unpleasant side when you are still young. Ophelie life is just starting- you will soon say:
'Au revoir Sadness' and 'Bonjour joie de vivre'. Have faith.

errors above (comme d'habitude! as usual):
your kids will give you their unconditional love
there are others such as
and -a- tightened their bonds
my apologies!

"I guess part of me was hoping he's realise what a huge mistake he has made and is carrying on making"

He may never realise, and also may never be able to admit it even if he did. I hope that you will come to realise through independence that the mistakes he made say nothing about you and everything about him. I say mistakes because it is possible for people to have affairs and yet retain a bit of decency, by having empathy for the person they shared a life with. I can't see any evidence of this in your posts yet, we should all be hoping that it begins soon.

If you are having trouble with his emails, could you filter them through your dad or brother? That would ensure that any important info gets through and gets rid of anything inappropriate. If you could also use family for handovers for the next few weeks that may also help to protect you.

I felt like that for a bit but it went off quite quickly. I was surprised.
Much of my healing came from having fun.
I had a group of friends who had all recently become single and we partied a bit, had day trips together with the kids, sleepovers and stuff.
It was a great time for me, I'll never forget it, we just had so many laughs and adventures.
Id recommend it.

I almost feel like i shouldn't be able to have fun or laugh or anything right now. Obviously he doesn't regret what he's done and hasn't wasted any time mourning out marriage and life together but i feel like its so disrespectful. Like if someone died and then you threw a party

It sounds as though you need to mourn the end of your marriage and the latest phase of your life. I think that's perfectly natural and normal. But please don't ignore your body if it needs some joy too as you move on to the next phase.

(Hope that doesn't sound too woo).

It is so, so disrespectful Ophelia.
I think he is surrounded by 'yes' people, his parents, OW, her ex, all minimising and normalising his
behaviour. He doesn't regret it yet.
Unless he is a psychopath, one day he will regret this.

trust in the process of life.

(Even more woo)

You will need time to mourn. H made his decision a few months ago by embarking on the affair. He simply transferred his attention from his wife to OW. It's a bit like a rebound relationship after a breakup. He isn't facing or dealing with what has happened. He's found a new focus.
You on the other hand have had this foisted upon you and have time to mourn while you find your new focus. Although it hurts now, you will feel better for it and be more emotionally ready for your next steps.

Just go slow, try a funny movie and get carried away with the giggles, read a few of the classics on here about silly things toddlers say etc. A good laugh can be quite cathartic

Remember the process of grieving, Phee.
You are in the throes of it, and despite us walking by your side, you are the one having to grieve. You are giving the loss of your marriage its final respects and that speaks volumes for the person that you are. You are very right about your H - his disrespect of everything that was, is nothing short of abhorrant. In a way, I hope that his Mum is on MN to witness your heartache and to witness our support for you. I find it deplorable that his parents haven't taken you aside to tell you how sorry that they are.
Shame on them all.

Just a quick thought. If he wants to come by to collect his stuff, be out. Have your dad at the house with instructions on what can and can't go but try not to be there. It will be upsetting and it may be easier to deal with without him around

You do need to mourn and because it is exactly like a bereavement (though I found a bit harder to be honest because there's always the idea at the back of your head that things might change) there will be ups and downs along the way… but note that there are ups as well as downs - you have to laugh and have fun when you can as part of the healing process because you are so young, and your DC are so young, and there is a whole new life ahead of you.

Don't feel obliged to laugh and have fun before you are ready (a lot of the healing process involves faking it until you make it but that does NOT involve fake laughter!) but equally please don't feel guilty, disrespectful, negligent or in any way culpable for having a laugh as and when the opportunity arises… no one with half a brain cell is going to think it minimises his and her awful behaviour, nor that you don't care enough, nor 'well she's fine then'… I promise you that x

Good morning, OpheliaRose Just checking in to echo all the congratulations, support and words of wisdon above. I hope you slept well and that the contents of that email don't throw you off course.
{{{{{virtual hugs}}}}}

Thinking of you Ophelia.

Stay strong.

My friend used the phrase 'If you ever think I want to share the same air with your whore, you've got another thing coming.'

Good Morning Ophelie
Did you sleep a bit?
How is the headache?
You are dismayed that he does not show any respect any consideration: it is normal. You still think about him as part of you and time will come when you will realize that he became a prick, completely foreign to your delicate (and strong) and so human personality. You can't be heartbroken if you do not have a heart (he dumped his as an unnecessary accessory in the stationery cupboard), can you? Believe me both these people are having a narcissist bond: they love the image they reflect (and market) in other people' s eyes.
You can't yet have joy or fun. Of course love you are a decent being and you have heart. Just focus on reconnecting to yourself by appreciating the little things in life (flowers, wind, leaves, a nice cup of coffee etc) and the big ones as well (twins- family- friend- health- roof on your head- future job). Salvage the ME out of the wrecked WE you have nurtured for so long in your heart. Joy and fun will follow. Have faith in yourself. Remember also that time is a healer.
Is your mum still with you?
Can you ask her to help you put all his stuff in big bin bags?
Maybe, when he comes to fetch his stuff, instead of meeting him you just put beforehand the bin bags outdoors for him to collect.
Hugs Ophelia!

The sad fact is he might not regret what he has done and that is no reflection in you, Ophelia, or your lovely children.

Good morning Ophelia,

What are your plans for the day?

Thinking of you

Find your pride as well.

Look at you still here, looking after your twins and coping on your own.
Many would fall to bits.
You haven't. You've risen to the challenge. You'd never leave them.
Be proud, hold your head up high.
This weekend or before. Go to the beach, or the zoo, or farm park.
Eat a picnic or chips and an ice cream. Play and laugh with them.
Allow small shreds of enjoyment to seep in.
Be proud of yourself at how you are still here despite being treated in the worst way possible.

What Ledkr said, with bells on.
Phee, is your head any better or are you still stressed? Have you got anywhere nice you can go to have an aromatherapy massage? Even if it's just head, neck, and shoulders, you might find it helps alleviate the strain a bit.

phee big brother starts tonight. You can come on the thread to pass comments on it, it's hilarious. You might find that a good distraction cis it's on every night. I used to get into bed ready for it each night after my knobhead left. It really helped.

Thinking of you lots Phee -- you are doing so well. And getting stronger every day, the way you're handling this for your DTs is amazing and I am in awe.

Brilliant words from Ledkr -- can't say it better myself but wanted to check in and say I'm still thinking of you and willing you onwards.

Ophelia there is a website called "Single With Kids" - it's great. They do holidays for singe parents and they are brilliant. So much support there.
When H left I booked a New Year's Eve holiday so that I could bring the new year in feeling that I was embracing change for the 3 of us. There were so many parents there with similar situations it was the least intimidating holiday ever.
There is a lot of re-discovery to be had in this situation - go with it- it will boost your confidence no end.
With your tax credits believe me you will be comfortable enough to treat yourself ...
I never forget going out and buying a killer pair of boots ,some Chanel and lovely lingerie

Ps take control Ophelia of the packing business - bag it all up -EVERYTHING in black bin bags ready to go - I did that before he had chance to ask for his stuff - I put some really loud music on and found it really cathartic to just bung it all in big bags - for me it was like looking at what his life had amounted to - a collection of black bin bags because he had screwed up in so many other ways.
Give him the impression you don't WANT his stuff there - tell him he needs to come and collect it because it's all sat in bags getting in your way.