Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

Found you, Phee.
The poem that Naice has posted is good.
You are very, very dignified in the face of this trauma.
Sending lots of strength your way.
Read email tomorrow and not a moment too soon.

Aw, I'm not surprised they were pleased to be back with you. You are their one and only mum, and you always will be, and you are an absolutely lovely mum at that. I know it must feel so hard to think of time without them as "time off" but you do need to recharge your batteries every now and then and put yourself first because that's what will help you continue to be the lovely mum that you always have been. It's not going to come easy at first, but eventually you will be able to take advantage of this time so that you don't feel so stressed and you look and feel happier because - when the time is right for you - then eow will allow you some freedom and r&r. This was a mega big challenge this weekend. You've survived it so well given how horrendously hard it must have been.

Don't let him hurry you with regard to contact arrangements - you've had your first overnight and that will enable you to work out what suits the twins and you best for the next week or so. One step at a time. X

Ophelie
Good Morning dear!
I will not speak about your pain- It hurts so much- It hurts me just to read and write about it so I can imagine how terrible it must be for you. But do remember: time is a healer. I am sure you know better that I do how to fully appreciate the joys of your life (the twins to start with- having a roof on your head- having your wonderful F and DB- being yourself- the spring in its glory!!!) despite the nagging pain in your heart and he confusion in your mind.
I wish I could help and not just make suggestions.
1- Can you hire someone (or ask some relative) to be with the babies for few hours every day whilst you just sleep? (You might want to find some nice nursery by your home- to start with they can go just a few days a week and then if they settle well you can increase the number of days. It is good if they get used to it before you resume working.)
2- How about having the twins sleep with you- in your bed (great comfort and pleasure to hug them in the night- they say that just 10 hugs a day are a great boost to the general well-being and happiness of people); or just in your room (it can be soothing to hear them breathing)? It will also be less disruptive to get up in the night and tend to their needs when they wake up.
What are your plans for today dear?
We are close to a month after the break up- breath deep and compliment yourself. Look at the mirror and smile- A SMUG smile- you are lucky to be yourself you were dignified throughout these most difficult days! Every day is a day closer to healing (with all your dignity kept intact and even magnified!)
Big Hugs!

Lovely post Ma- making plans to sleep in the day though is the worst possible thing Ophelia can do - it will really mess up her circadian rhythm and in the long term lead to disturbed sleep pattern.

Best to stick to routine and yes consider having the twins in with you for a wee while.

All the OTC remedies suggested are worth a try, plus absolutely no caffeine after 6pm while you're struggling to sleep -I know it's hard but try to link your bedroom as a place where you ONLY sleep.

And when you get into bed ... No more Mumsnetting! The light from tablets/ phones is a stimulant for the brain so you really need to be strict with yourself about putting your phone down when you get into bed x

Just wanted to say I have been lurking and you are doing an amazing job. I'm utterly speechless at how you have been treated.

Blessed I fully agree with you.
There is a little problem: Ophelie said that she can't take pills in the night because she wants to be able to hear and tend to her babies if they wake up. Maybe the ones you suggested will allow her to stay tuned to her babies' needs in the night? I am not an expert but you are I think. I am on no coffee after 17:00 pm! I totally agree that it helps. As you said Blessed the night and the bedroom must become synonymous with rest and relaxation. Just music and nice books (maybe arts books of painters you like Ophelie - with plenty of nice pictures of his paintings ? they are not very taxing and might help you 'tidying up' the confusion in your mind and heart?)- no to tablets/computers/mobiles/phones in them in the bedroom. (Ophelie: think about some nice lighting by your bed. Bluish? Pinkish?)
Have a nice day Ophelie!

www.beh-mht.nhs.uk/Downloads/GP%20and%20referrers/Primary%20Care%20Academy/BEHMHT%20Resources%20Sleep%20Hygiene%20Leaflet1.pdf

Leaflet about sleep hygiene.

I remember feeling so scared alone at night after separating.
As with most things, have to give it time.
You have been through a dreadful shock, I think inner turmoil and disrupted sleep is par for the course.

What happened regarding the email Ophelia, did you open it or pass to DM/DBro?

Sending my best to you once more, thinking of you.

Ophelia, have you read the email yet? It might be about mid-week contact.

How did the teddy bears work for the twins?

Now, don't begrudge the twins from having a happy time when they are with Dad - and them being suitably fed is a bonus! Even if Grandparents help, at least he is not being 'Disney Dad' and taking them to fast food places with play areas.

It's your EOW this week - what are you planning? Nothing out of the ordinary because it is not a competition.

Ask the twins if they want to take the special teddies with them - teddies enjoy new experiences to chat about in bed.

I'll check back later.

You're quiet today Phee, hope you are ok.

Sorry I still felt very ill this morning from my headache I was at the stage I thought my head would explode and I would be sick if I moved my head too Much. My mum came over for a bit to help with the twins so I could take some painkillers and sleep a bit more again. She thinks it's caused by extreme stress and sleep deprivation.

I haven't read his email yet - if its that important he will tell me he's sent it so he can wait for now. He was a coward for not saying whatever it is before he left on Sunday in front of DB
Weather has been nice so once we got past my headache earlier we went to the shop and got a small paddling pool for the twins. Lots of fun this afternoon however I still don't feel 100% but the painkillers are helping.

She thinks it's caused by extreme stress and sleep deprivation.

I think she's bloody right. Are you drinking plenty of water and getting food in you?

I don't really drink much water I seem to forget and I haven't really managed to eat much recently. Everything tastes off even when I know it's in date

Ophelia, I have absolutely been there after a horrific breakup and lost a massive amount of weight and developed severe bronchitis out of nowhere from being so run down. I'm concerned about you. Do you own a blender? Could you make yourself smoothies? I survived on smoothies for a month or so when I was so upset I could barely swallow anything. You need some ripe bananas (good for potassium), packages of frozen berries, whatever are your favorites, and I would recommend some pea protein powder, whey protein powder or similar as an addition so that you get protein. You can even add in a handful or two of raw baby spinach (washed) and you won't even be able to taste it under the berries. There are tonnes of recipes for smoothies on Pinterest.

Staying hydrated is also crucial. Black tea and coffee don't "count" to rehydrate you since they have enough caffeine that they are diuretics. But rooibos tea has no caffeine and is so satisfying, and excellent for the times when you want a comforting warm drink.

Honestly, just eating anything at a time like this is an accomplishment.

I don't really drink much water I seem to forget

I know just what you mean. I keep 3x 750ml bottles in the fridge with slices of lemon in them. It's the only way I hit my water goal.

And I won't give you any eating advice because it's always "eat what you fancy, so long as you eat" and for me that means living on Chinese and Kit Kats or the like

Yes, ice cream isn't the worst thing in the world to eat, either.

Soup. Maybe your mum could make a batch for you?

Or you could try build up/complan. Both are a meal supplement that is often prescribed if you have been off colour et (has all the essential vitamins, minerals and is equivalent of a small meal). You bascially just mix with milk and it has falvours like banana, strawberry, choclate.

Re: the email. I agree with you ophelia he is a coward.....he probably wants to rail road you into something.....

Persoanlly, I would only let him communicate with you via your dad/DB for a while.

There's a real pattern emerging here,

Every time, he comes over to pick up the Dcs you always seem to receive a mail from him fairly promptly.

Its obvious, he really doesn't like your family involved in the pick up/drop off. He doesn't get the opportunity to start his "chats" and mind games with you.

It is a good tactic for you to maintain for the next few weeks, particularly when he receives the letter from the solicitor, I would advise you to have absolutely no contact with him for a few days after that and do not read his emails. They will only upset you.
Keep your family close when he has to collect the DC.

Thanks for the food / eating advice my main issue with smoothies and soup is that i gag when trying to drink a lot of thick liquid. I really don't eat soup or anything very often.

I've had some toast today so not starving and have made the effort to put some water in a sports bottles so i can sip it all day.

That's a good idea. Grapes are quite a good snack for a bit of sugar and they have quite a lot of fluid. Frozen grapes are pretty tasty too.
Well done for avoiding the email. It sends the message that you are not at his beck and call.
Thinking of you x

The sports bottle idea is a really good one.

Also, cereal if you can manage it? Really filling and totally non fuss. I eat way more of it than I should.

Sorry if I've missed this but have you got some strong painkillers for your headaches? Could be an idea to get some if not, to keep on standby. A bad headache is really hard to shift. Hope yours is subsiding now.

Could you nibble snacks like nuts and raisins?

I know you don't have much of an appetite, but you need to take good care of yourself. X

Oh yes. Nuts are amazing. So good for you. Whatever your fav is. If you don't want anything too strong, get the unsalted, unroasted ones.

Keep looking after yourself to look after the twin-eenies.

Thanks for all the advice i really really appreciate it.

This is all very hard adjusting to life without my H. I'm starting to think his email will be about wednesday when he plans to move into his rented place. A lot of his stuff is still here so he will be expecting to come get it i guess. I haven't really made much effort to pack up all his stuff because part of me felt like it was too final ... i know i'm going for a divorce but once his stuff is gone that feels like he is very serious about all this.

I guess part of me was hoping he's realise what a huge mistake he has made and is carrying on making