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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 10/05/2015 19:06

It's still early days Phee and from what others have said there's no need for you to rush in to eow.

Izzy24 · 10/05/2015 19:07

It is heartbreaking.

Please , as many others have said, see if you can find a way to do the handovers without seeing him for a while.

This is by Wendy Cope

'I can't forgive you. Even if I could
You wouldn't pardon mr for seeing through you.
And yet I cannot cure myself
of love
For what I thought you were
before I knew you.'

But you will, Ophelia. You will.

Izzy24 · 10/05/2015 19:08

Durr! Me, not mr!

FriendofBill · 10/05/2015 19:16

You could do it for the DT's though?
For their welfare.
If it stops working for them you alter contact.

You have kept their welfare paramount and that is commendable.

You are an amazing person.

HoggleHoggle · 10/05/2015 19:17

It is unfair ophelia. I'm really sorry.

I guess if nothing else, once things settle down a bit you may look forward to the 'off duty' weekend as some precious time to yourself, but I also agree that it is heartbreakingly unfair that this decision has been made for you and that you didn't want any of this.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 10/05/2015 19:26

It feels so bad thinking about it as time off when they're not here but I hadn't realised how hard it can be to raise two kids alone with no one else in the house to even give to a two minute break.

I have an email from H he must of sent it when he got back. Can't muster the strength to read it now.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 10/05/2015 19:26

I've always thought this is unfair too.
You do nothing wrong then have to go for long periods without your kids.
Maybe you should see how they are this week, if clingy or act disturbed maybe you should say no to overnights for a while.
ID hate to be without mine for long, the benefits of having an ex who couldn't give a toss Hmm
It's so unfair, I really feel for you darling.

Ledkr · 10/05/2015 19:36

I guess as your life becomes fuller with new friends, work and a social life, you will be more in need of a nice break.
It's very hard tho and I think he needs to bear with you as you and the kids get used to it.

Rosieliveson · 10/05/2015 19:37

It is so unfair that through no fault of your own you are separated from them.
I second pp in saying that you don't need to rush the contact arrangements. You could start having an overnight on every other of 'his' weekends. So a day out week A and a sleepover week C with a regular evening for tea each week. I know he is their father but you owe him nothing anymore.

Mini05 · 10/05/2015 19:42

It's only week 1, the novelty swill wear off trust me! He's trying to plat the devoted dad! The excuses will start further down the line
Er I can't have them for tea this week, ive good a really important meeting

You don't have to do it every other week if you don't want to!!!
YOU call the shots, if you can handle just the TEA thing then do that

Don't be frightened of him, what can he do to you?

inlectorecumbit · 10/05/2015 19:45

You owe him nothing.
Don't rush to read his email. Put it off until you feel ready tomorrow/next day/next year. After all he has not given you and your feelings any consideration so why should you.

bjrce · 10/05/2015 19:49

I agree with inlectore, if you can at all, try not to read his mail tonight.
You've been through enough this week-end and it will probably really upset you and then you won't sleep well.

Spend time with your DCs and face what ever tomorrow.

He really is a coward to mail you like this, this evening and not say what he had to say in front of your DB.

I suspect its another bomb and it really won't do you wany good to read it this evening.

Take care.

HoggleHoggle · 10/05/2015 19:50

Don't feel guilty ophelia it is incredibly hard work looking after two very young dc alone. It is one of the main reasons why I consider your ex an utter bastard. On top of all his other selfishness, he has also knowingly put so much pressure on you by leaving you to do this alone. He is the lowest of the low.

Don't read the email today if you can help it. I hate that he's already contacted you, the man is so fucking impatient. No doubt it will be all about his wants.

elslil79 · 10/05/2015 20:23

I'm so sorry for you. Take comfort that you are a strong woman and a great mama to your babies. It WILL get easier and you have a great support system of people who obviously love you very very much. Be gentle on yourself, this is the hardest time but you are doing so well.

TakemeforwhatIam · 10/05/2015 20:29

I imagine your exhausted from all the emotion, read his email when you're ready. It is unfair, this wasn't the life you had planned and it's not your fault. Try to slow the process down a bit, hes moving very fast with this as he has adjusted to this ages ago, this is all still very new to you. For now snuggle up with your little ones and deal with him later.

MerryMarigold · 10/05/2015 20:40

Ophelia, I know it's all so new and difficult right now for you. I think in time it will become normal and you will very definitely need the 'off' time in order to recharge yourself to be able to give yourself fully to your kids.

I used to crave time away from them sometimes but rarely had it even when dh around (3 under 3 at one point!), but now they are school, I have that time off. I really missed them the first year they went, and found it difficult, but now I find the holidays difficult towards the end especially!!! So full-on in comparison. My point being: you need some time to yourself, to be yourself (not mum).

Weebirdie · 10/05/2015 20:47

Ophelia is it this week the letter goes out to him from the solicitor?

GERTI · 10/05/2015 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 10/05/2015 21:19

Yes weebirdie

My head is pounding. I've had a dull headache all day (not a hang over a I swear) but now it's pounding and I feel sick from me. I guess it could be stress Sad

OP posts:
Berrie1 · 10/05/2015 21:41

We are all rooting for you Ophelia.

Why don't you take some paracetamol, get tucked up in bed and watch a film to take your mind off things.

You have been through the very worst of it and you have come out fighting. It might not feel like it but you have.

The welfare of your children have been your paramount consideration in this mess, which has a lot to be said of you as a person, both of your character and your strength.

Keep on keeping on. Tomorrow is new day.

AndyWarholsOrange · 10/05/2015 21:42

Ophelia It's so unfair, I know. But him being a selfish cheating bastard means that he only gets to see them Eow. This weekend has been really tough but you got through it. Your H sounds completely deluded- he seriously seems to think that, give it a week or two, and he, you, WF, WF's ex and his GF are all going to be friends. What planet is he on?!
You have so many followers on here because a) His behaviour is beyond appalling and has shocked people and b) You just come across as such a lovely person. I hope you manage to sleep ok. You have come so far x

Ubik1 · 10/05/2015 21:46

Headache is exhaustion and anxiety. Get some really early nights.

Ledkr · 10/05/2015 22:15

Sounds like a stress headache.
Poor you.
Yes snuggle up in bed ready for a nice day with the twins tomorrow.

CheesyDibbles · 10/05/2015 22:41

Painkillers, plenty of water and into bed as soon as you can.

I agree with everyone at how unfair this is for you.

What also strikes me is that he is not going to be the kind of person who is overwhelmed with remorse any time soon. You will need to be selfish for yourself and your twins and look to the people who DO care about you.

Be very kind to yourself and make sure you conserve your energy as much as possible.

Ubik1 · 10/05/2015 22:53

Just a note about sleep: I worked nightshifts fir a while and would get the sort of headaches you describe. Lack of sleep also contributes to anxiety and depression.

I found some gentle sleep aids helped - one was the Nytol herbal tablets which are very gentle but enough to get you over into sleep.

Another is 'This Works' deep sleep pillow spray ( google it) which is very soothing.

It won't solve anything but a few nights of reasonable sleep may help you through this time. X

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