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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpheliaRose · 09/05/2015 13:13

Sorry it took me a while to compose myself after try where gone.

H turned up and he looked so good less stressed and just happy. He looks more handsome of that's possible Sad it was very hard for me to see. I had the twins already to go. He said I looked good and my hair was different and that it suited me.

The twins where over the moon to see him and he was obviously very happy and relieved to see them. I hand to dig my nails into my palm to stop me cry and sobbing. Part of me just wanted to get down and beg him not to do this to our beautiful family. He didn't say much else just that've hoped I had a nice weekend and that he would be back with them at 5 tomorrow. He said if I wanted he'd text me later to let me know how they are ... Then they where gone

Just pulling myself together to go meet my friend for shopping

OP posts:
chocolatedrops31 · 09/05/2015 13:18

So Sorry Ophelia-it sounds horrendously difficult..you know what, at some point, maybe tomorrow when he drops them off, it's going to dawn on him what he's done..if he has any decency inside him, he must currently be in denial at what he's destroyed..please go out and meet your friend ..it'll be a tiny distraction. Thinking of you

glintwithpersperation · 09/05/2015 13:26

Thinking of you. That sounds really hard xx

Ledkr · 09/05/2015 13:54

And that is precisely why I didn't do handovers for a bit.
No mater what is said or done it will not be what you want to hear so will wind you up.
Can someone be there to recieve them tomorrow.
Trust me please, no contact will really help. Psychologists have written papers on this.
Be kind to yourself.
Don't forget to temporarily delete his number tonight to avoid drunk texts!!

HootyMcTooty · 09/05/2015 13:57

Oh Phee, it must have been so hard, but it's done now. Keep occupied and try to have some fun. You're doing great

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 14:01

Could you arrange for someone else to be there tomorrow, to do as much of the 'receiving' as possible?

AbitSceptical · 09/05/2015 14:05

The handover must have been so hard, I can almost feel your pain.

You handled yourself really well. Huge hug and hope by now you're with your friend.

JugglingLife · 09/05/2015 14:55

Well done Phee. The hardest time is the first time and you've done it now. Try and make the most of having this little bit of time to yourself, you deserve a bit of pampering. Go get those skinny jeans and a fab new top.

whereismagic · 09/05/2015 14:58

You are doing the right thing for your kids even though it's so hard for you. Be kind to yourself!

Rosieliveson · 09/05/2015 15:01

That's one massive step taken. Well done. Well done for not crying too.
Hope you can enjoy your day and evening out.

HoggleHoggle · 09/05/2015 15:50

Well done you, that must have been so difficult. Congratulate yourself on a being a wonderful mum and very strong woman.

MaMaof04 · 09/05/2015 16:19

I am feeling your pain!
I do not want how I would have handled the situation.
I know some will fulminate at me but I am so angry at WF. She stole him. She behaved the way she behaved to show everybody i n the office how well she handles her divorce but when she saw a nice (and handsome?) married father started getting infatuated with her, she probably started playing the amazing divorcee, performing just for the audience of one- him- she then slowly caught him in her net (the last pull on his neck was in the stationery cupboard).
I HATE HER
Please ask your friend or DB to be with you tomorrow when he brings back the twins. Please do take some pills and sleep deep.
I hope you did amazing shopping!
Hugs!

ELIANASGRANNY · 09/05/2015 16:20

That was hard to read Phee, so can only imagine how it actually felt to experience it.

You are so so brave, whilst he on the other hand appears to have completely lost all sense of reality. Does he truly imagine you want to hear how your hair looks, when your bloody heart is breaking? The c**k sucking slapper has addled his brain, and it will not end well.

I hope you find a little fun tonight, surrounded by those who care.

derxa · 09/05/2015 17:20

Your husband has clearly lost his mind. Keep strong. Don't beg or cry even though it's almost impossible not to. The OW is a cock sucking bastard. She is not fit to polish your shoes. You are so much more than her in every way. DH will eventually realise this but you will have moved on by then to someone who appreciates you. Don't do the pick me dance.
Love Dx

GERTI · 09/05/2015 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Akifden · 09/05/2015 18:16

I hope you're managing to enjoy your afternoon Ophelia and relaxing a little. Well done this morning.

BifsWif · 09/05/2015 19:25

That was really hard to read, I can't imagine how much harder it was to do but you did it.

I hope you have a lovely night Flowers

AndyWarholsOrange · 09/05/2015 19:46

Well done Phee* I can't imagine how hard that was. Can someone else do the handover tomorrow or be with you when you do it? Are you still going out tonight? Be kind to yourself, you are amazing. I so wish I could give you a hug xx

dangerrabbit · 09/05/2015 21:21

Well done Ophelia

I am in awe of your strength and dignity. Well done for keeping in together.

And what a horrible little pair your STBXH and WF are. Poor you, we are all rooting for you here while you wait for DTs to return x

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 09/05/2015 21:51

So I've just got some from being out. I tired my harder to have fun and I think I did sort of but my heart wasn't really in it. I think everyone understood and I'm glad I went because I needed to get my self out of the house for the afternoon and evening but I'm glad to be home.

Feels very empty and quiet without the twins. I know they where away with my mum for a few days so it's not like I've not been without them since but this feels different Sad H text me earlier to say they had had a lovely afternoon and the twins where safely tucked up in bed. He said they sent me lots of hugs and kisses. I haven't responded because it's too hard and I'm not sure what response he expected.

Went shopping and brought some new clothes ... Still not 1000% sure they look good but my friend told me I looked great. Went out in some black skinny jeans a nice top and some nude ballet flats tonight with a deep blue blazer on top. My fried tried to combine me to get so nice (but rather high) looking black and nude pumps to go with the jeans but I'm not quite ready for that yet! I haven't worn heels since before the twins Confused

My brother is coming over tomorrow to be here at hand over because it's all too much for me at the moment. I'm very grateful for that he is really bring excellent

OP posts:
WhereIsMYJonathanSmith · 09/05/2015 22:04

Been lurking :) I have to add that you are doing really well! I understand that it is hard for you but you have been so controlled and dignified.

Keep on keeping on :) I only know from what I have read on similar threads, that it will get better. It really will, and that applies to everything really. I guess time is a healer. Flowers and I bet you look gorgeous in those jeans :)

sumbodi · 09/05/2015 22:09

Glad you had a good time and got out of the house. Now you should probably try and get some rest. They will be back before you know it.

How about planning something nice for when they get back....some new bubbles for bath time or a new book for bedtime story. Keep busy tomorrow.

What a lovely db you have....x

BifsWif · 09/05/2015 22:18

I bet you looked stunning Smile

Try and rest now, and have a lazy day tomorrow if you can. Pamper yourself, laze around - just be good to yourself and it'll be 5pm before you know it.

Berrie1 · 09/05/2015 22:29

Glad you had a semi good day Ophelia.

It's okay to feel the way you feel right now and I'm glad the people you were with understood.

The new clothes sound nice, don't worry about the heels you can't wait until you feel a bit more confident.

No need to reply to his text really, let him wonder. It's good that you will have your bother there tomorrow for support, you can hide away in the bedroom if you don't want to face him.

Did you go to one of the make-up counters? I highly recommend them, they are great. I was very self conscious to start with (felt like I didn't look the right way to be there in the first place) but I feel much more confident now. It really is all in our heads! My faves are Mac, Bare Minerals, Clarins and Benefit. I'm not sure if you have Instagram, but there are loads of pages to follow that give make-up tutorials too.

sadwidow28 · 09/05/2015 22:29

Well done Ophelia. You have done so well for your first time without the twins. I guess you must feel that you don't deserve to be without them because you did nothing wrong. That is part of the pain now.

I loved your idea about the special teddies - what a brilliant Mum you are.

Try to have a sleep-in tomorrow and do things you don't usually have time for. Your brother is a super-star!

Take care

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