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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 09/05/2015 08:54

It's a big step Mrs, just do it but by bit x

I wouldn't drink much either

Phoenix0x0 · 09/05/2015 09:10

Another one here wishing you well.

Flowers
venetiaswirl · 09/05/2015 09:16

Another lurker delurking to wish you well today (and every day!) Have read all your threads and am horrified at the callous way in which you are being treated. As everyone has commented, you are doing fantastically. This is a bereavement and you will no doubt experience the myriad of feelings of loss disbelief, despair, fury etc that goes with such a shocking experience.
It's a painful long process. I'm 3 years down the line and have just this morning looked at a photo of the OW and thought...'i don't feel anything' - that's the first time that I've really not cared or had any feelings of loss / pain etc. You will get there but do be gentle with yourself and perhaps try not to expect too much?
Wishing you well...

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 09/05/2015 09:16

Thinking of you Flowers
Try and make the best out of today, I know it'll be hard but you could do with some time for yourself. Xx

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 09/05/2015 09:51

Morning everyone

Thank you for all your well wishes and kind words. I haven't slept very well lots of dreams about my twins not being able to get back to mummy or having dreams of them ow her child and H all being one big happy family.

Twins are very very excited to see Daddy which if i'm honest does sting a lot they keep asking when he'll be here and running round yelling daddy daddy.

I don;t think i will drink at all tonight because I worry all that will happen is i'll spend all night crying.

OP posts:
FriendofBill · 09/05/2015 10:01

They wouldn't be running round cheering for their father if they were at an age where they had understanding about the issue.

Thank God for small mercies.

Try to think matter of factly, and take emotions out. He had an affair, you are getting divorced, it hurts a lot but you are doing all you can to continue to be a good parent and keep the focus on what's best for you DC.

The truth is, you deserve better than him. I predict, you will come out of this happier than you have ever been. Until then, one foot in front of the other.

BalloonSlayer · 09/05/2015 10:08

The twins being excited to see Daddy is because

a) you have not poisoned their minds against him

b) you have facilitated them seeing him this weekend

c) you are determined, despite your own heartbreak, that they must have a good relationship with their father

All these things show what a wonderful mother you are. Remember that, when it hurts.

Flowers
Vivacia · 09/05/2015 10:15

You are a wonderful mum Phee. Are they back at 5 tomorrow?

AndyWarholsOrange · 09/05/2015 10:34

Morning Ophelia What time are the DTs going? Totally echo what Balloon says, you are a wonderful mother and a wonderful person. For every person posting on here, there will be many more lurking and willing you on. Today will be tough but you will get through it. Try to have a nice time tonight, God knows you deserve it. Will be thinking of you ??????

AndyWarholsOrange · 09/05/2015 10:36

Sorry, those weird boxes were meant to be flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 09/05/2015 11:08

HE's due to pick them up at 12:00 Sad and yes they will be back with me at 5 tomorrow. I know its not very long and they are so excited to see him so they will be happy i just feel very very lost

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 09/05/2015 11:14

Is there going to be anyone else with you when he picks them up, Ophelia?

GERTI · 09/05/2015 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isthereeverarightime1 · 09/05/2015 11:16

Sending hugs and Flowers x

Vivacia · 09/05/2015 11:25

The best you can hope for is that they stay as happy as this for the whole time.

Will you need to actually see him for the handover?

Ledkr · 09/05/2015 11:26

Good luck.
Keep it short and sweet.
Remember this is for your children not anyone else. Particularly him.
Nurturing their relationship with their dad will result in happy well adjusted chikdren which will make your life a whole lot easier as they get older.

HootyMcTooty · 09/05/2015 11:27

Have the DTs ready to go so he has no excuse to hang around and talk. If he tries to draw you into conversation do not fall for it, you won't come out of it well and you need to be in a good place for your night out!

All topics you reply "we're not in a relationship, I'm not discussing this with you."

HootyMcTooty · 09/05/2015 11:27

And obviously big unmumsnetty hugs for you

Ledkr · 09/05/2015 11:28

If handover is too painful, next time get someobe else to do it.

I had to do this for a bit and it really helped.

MaMaof04 · 09/05/2015 11:32

As Balloon said it: the twins being excited to see dad is a credit to your wonderful parenting. They are lucky to have you as a mum and you are lucky to be yourself (and also to be rid of him sooner than later).
I think that one glass of wine can do you good- fill you with some good warm feeling inside. But make sure to drink and eat at the same time. No more than one glass of some nice wine (I love Merlot and steak), I would think.
I hope you have some pills to help you sleep well this night.
Can your friend or some relative of yours be with you when he comes to pick up the kids and stay with you until/when he returns them?
What you are going through this week end is a giant leap toward acceptance- which will eventually lead you to healing.
Please enjoy your shopping- I have not had time to do shopping for like a million of years. So enjoy it for me as well Wink.
You are just great! Hugs.

laurierf · 09/05/2015 11:52

Have you got anything planned for tomorrow? Enjoy a lie-in and get some rest, and if you haven't got anything planned, then maybe think about doing something that you can't normally do when you have the kids… go for a run, brunch or lunch with a friend, go to the cinema and watch a grown up film with a big bucket of popcorn or something like that… we are all thinking of you this weekend Flowers

Akifden · 09/05/2015 11:59

Hope the handover goes ok and you manage to enjoy your time to yourself.

finallymadeupmymind · 09/05/2015 12:00

Just another voice adding that I'm thinking of you too, OP. It really is a testament to your parenting that your twins are looking forward to seeing him. And the dignity, thoughtfulness and courage that allows you to still parent well are qualities will get you through today and the future.

Smooshface · 09/05/2015 12:51

Hope you have a fun day today, try to rest when you aren't out having fun! Try and make the most of 'your' time, they will be back before you know it. Flowers

Phoenix0x0 · 09/05/2015 12:53

Hope the handover went ok.

I second what ledkr says, if it is too difficult let someone else do it (or at least ask someone to be with you.

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