Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

984 replies

OpheliaRose · 07/05/2015 19:05

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

OP posts:
inabeautifulplace · 08/05/2015 18:24

"Ok some have brought my twins a special teddy each and explained that they are for them while they are away from mummy and if they miss me and want a cuddle all they have to do is cuddle the teddy who will let me know and I will send them a massive cuddle through the bear."

You are going to be so great at handling this transition. Even if it takes a while for your ex to grow up and remember how a decent person behaves, your kids will be protected by your strength of character.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 08/05/2015 18:49

inabeautifulplace awwww thank you that is so kind

OK so twins are in bed. I'm feeling very calm but i'm not sure thats a good thing or whether its like when people go into shock.

I'm going to brave trying on some new styles of clothes tomorrow and my friend agrees with you all i should definitely go talk to the make up counters. nothing too big maybe just some advice on what i can wear to looks glam but natural at the same time. Also we are going to go see DB and go out with him and his friends so I can keep my mind off the twins being away.

Sorry I have been so quiet today just an awful lot going on and wanted to spend every minute possible with my darling twins to make sure they know how much mummy loves them.

I still don't understand OW but she is living in a dream world if she thinks i'll ever want to see or speak to her let alone play at friends in this weird was she does with her ex

OP posts:
CalmItKermit · 08/05/2015 18:52

Ophelia, Not read this whole thread but saw that tosspot has agreed to pay more than the guidelines, how gentlemanly of him (guilt money/being the good guy)!

If he is using the CSA guidelines he will know that his maintenance to you could/would change when/if he moves in with WF. CSA guidelines deduct x amount to you if tosspot has a resident child, regardless if he is the father or if bio father pays maintenance for this child.

Vivacia · 08/05/2015 18:53

I'm feeling very calm but i'm not sure thats a good thing or whether its like when people go into shock.

I firmly believe we do what we need to do in order to survive. I am wishing you so much strength for the weekend. I hope you manage to enjoy yourself and recharge your adult/social batteries at some points.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 08/05/2015 19:18

CalmItKermit my friend had mentioned this possibility to me. I'm assuming if we go through a private arrangement as part of the divorce and not CSA then he wont get a reduction when he move sin OW and her child?

OP posts:
sassandfaff · 08/05/2015 19:25

I know that she knows she had sex with him and i agree that she is not a nice person.

I was just thinking that in order to brazenly offer to meet Ophelia she must think that Ophelia doesn't know the glory details.

If she does know, then she does indeed have a brass neck. Either that, or she has romanticised how they are star crossed lovers who tried really hard to resist and they were destined.....yadda yadda yadda.

CalmItKermit · 08/05/2015 19:29

Ophelia, good to hear you are on this. Rooting for you all the way....YOU ROCK!

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 08/05/2015 19:30

sassandfaff I don;t even know if she's romanticised it. I think she just is the kind of person who can be shagging a married man and act completely like nothing is happening. The way she could just switch off ...

OP posts:
sassandfaff · 08/05/2015 19:33

If that is the case Ophelia then she is one cold hearted woman. And sooner or later your dh will be on the receiving end of that.

GERTI · 08/05/2015 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosieliveson · 08/05/2015 20:15

The twins will be ok Phee. It might do H some good of they are a bit unsettled and missing you. Show him what he has caused.
I hope you can have a relax and some fun this weekend.

GERTI, that's a great saying. I wonder if it comes in greeting card form???

mamaneedsamojito · 08/05/2015 20:41

I'm a bit late to the jeans party but I'm early 30s (older than you, Phee!) and LOVE my Eva jeans from Oasis. They're slightly flared and slim fit but not proper skinnies. They look awesome Grin

DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 08/05/2015 21:03

Amazed at how quickly this has moved.

Have you got plans for tomorrow evening? Dr Who marathon would get my nod.

Original poster
OpheliaRose · 08/05/2015 21:17

down planning to see my DB and some of his friends if only to keeo me frm lying in my twisn rooms crying because they're really going to be staying away for a night with there dad.

Makes it all so much more real

OP posts:
laurierf · 08/05/2015 23:35

Phee - I'm so glad you're going to give it a go, going out with DB and co… everyone is going to be pleased to see you and no one is going to be hoping anything other than that you have a good time… but if you just have an 'ok' time, that's fine... it's important that you go to a) as you've said to prevent you from lying in the twins' room crying and b) because it's the start of a new social life for you… it's not going to be the best night of your life but it is going to be an important stepping stone for you getting a life back, so don't place too much expectation (positive or negative) on it and just take it as it comes. I remember my first night out with friends after I split with my very LTR ex… it felt like there was a screen of glass between me and everyone else at the table… I was there but I was distant and couldn't quite connect… but it was so important that I got out and did it because the more I did, the more natural it become and then eventually I really was 'in the room' and having fun.

mkz10 · 09/05/2015 05:00

I just read your posts and I am so so sorry you are going through this, a whole life changing event in 3 short weeks. ((((hugs))).

I know you are getting legal advice, but I just want to ask you not to rush into anything with regards divorce or agreeing to maintenance yet, take your time to make sure you get the best possible financial and custody outcome for you and your kids.

I don't know anything about the legalities of divorce in the UK, but my friend has just gone through a divorce in the UK (H cheating with a work colleague, same old cliche) and her H was railroading her into accepting his 'very generous' offer of maintenance and living arrangement (nice new 2 bedroom apartment in her name, from the proceeds of their house).

In the end, she actually got a higher maintenance agreement than his 'generous' offer, a life insurance policy, private healthcare for herself and her child, the car, and she gets to stay in their current home until the child is 18, and he has to fund the mortgage, until then, when they either sell the house or she can buy him out.

It took a long time, more than a year to trash it out, and in the meantime he had to cover all her and their DC costs.

My friend and her ex were together 7 years in total, 4 of which were married, 1 DC.

He is a high earner, with a lucrative career ahead of him, so there was a high earnings potential to base the agreement on. While not knowing your DH's earning power, you should try make sure your solicitor works to get you the very best deal for you now, as there will be no going back once it is signed.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your evening out.

Dumdedumdedum · 09/05/2015 05:15

Phee, you are getting so many wise words, so much support and encouragement and (sometimes conflictingGrin) advice from all these lovely MN women, I feel I have very little to contribute, but I just want to do my usual good morning, how are you, hope you slept well, virtual hugs and Flowers.
Today is going to be a momentous one for you, I hope the handover goes as well as it can and that you find some great clothes and have a little bit of fun this evening and the night is not too long without your twins. At least maybe you can take something to help you sleep tonight as you won't have to keep an ear out for them?
Please don't put yourself down, as mkz10 says above, you have had so much to contend with and you have come so far in 3 short weeks, please be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. You really are coping - and if at some point, you find you're not coping, well, there's no shame or harm in that, either.
More {{{{{virtual hugs}}}}} and FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers from thousands of miles away.

HoggleHoggle · 09/05/2015 06:48

Thinking of you today.

Akifden · 09/05/2015 06:57

Thinking of you today Ophelia, what a tough day. Flowers

SuffolkNWhat · 09/05/2015 07:19

Ophelia can I just say I think you are handling this brilliantly, so dignified and you really have your DTs best interests at heart.

Have a good time shopping, I'm the same age as you and I recommend you try the Benefit counter, always had brilliant advice from them.

Thanks
Mama1980 · 09/05/2015 07:42

Thinking of you ophelia x

FriendofBill · 09/05/2015 07:57

Dropping in with my thoughts and prayers.
We are here for you OP.

Flowers
Vivacia · 09/05/2015 08:26

I really liked what laurierf said last night about just expecting an OK night. I think you focus on little steps along the lines of new hair colour, one night out etc and before you know you'll have walked miles. Also, it's ok to leave early if you want to.

This is just me, but I wouldn't aim to drink much either.

HootyMcTooty · 09/05/2015 08:43

Morning Phee. I hope today is ok for you. I know it will be hard, but your DTs will miss you too and they'll soon be back .
Try to enjoy tonight and I agree with Vivacia, if you need to leave early that's fine and try not to drink too much, it won't help you achieve what you want from tonight.

Rosieliveson · 09/05/2015 08:49

Good morning, just another person who will be thinking of you today.
You will miss the twins and the day may just be ok but by tomorrow evening this will be another milestone passed.

It's good to test the waters. Remember if this is too much for you and/or the twins you don't need to agree to an overnight again.

Let us know what you buy today Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread