Affair - Learning to Cope Part 4

[OpheliaRose]

Many you will have read my threads 1 2 3

I found out almost 3 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with a girl from his work. Not only where they exchanging flirty messages but had also had blow jobs and sex at the office when confronted my Husband told me he had feelings for the OW and would be leaving me for her.

3 weeks on and the pain I feel is still unbearable, he has been spending time with OW and her child, wants to have our Twins EoW and is planning on introducing the Twins sooner rather than later as the OW will be a big part of his and their life. Heart broken doesn't even cover what I am currently feeling and experiencing

I have decided to file for divorce on grounds of adultery but as its currently stands will not be naming the OW. This is not an easy choice for me to make however I do not think it will make me feel any better because apart from the courts, me Husband and OW no one will know. They appear to feel no shame at their actions anyway so what good would it do.

I want to thank all you wonderful ladies for your continued support at this very hard time for me.

I think the WF is probably not a psychopath/sociopath, but that, sadly, she was swept along by the excitement of a devoted family man suddenly going crazy for her and being willing to give up everything for wonderful her. And that the ExH has transferred his romantic feelings to her, but now sees Ophelia as a sort of mother figure. He wants Ophelia to like his new girlfriend just like he wants mummy to like his new girlfriend. He can't understand why Ophelia isn't pleased about his new romance? She loves him, doesn't she? So why can't she be happy for him and accept his leaving his marriage with an eye-roll and a ruffle of his hair like his Mum did?

I expect the OW did say to him that the twins shouldn't meet her because it would hurt Ophelia more. And she's quite right, it would. (Just because she has behaved despicably in the recent past does not mean she will never do the right thing ever again, nor of course does this one instance of care and consideration counterbalance even one gram the enormity of the wrong she has done.) What the problem is that the ExH saw fit to tell Ophelia this, as if it would make Ophelia warm to the OW. The fact that he did so, and thinks it will work, gives a good insight into his state of mind - which is totally irrational and infatuated. A cunt-struck idiot, as they say.

What the problem is that the ExH saw fit to tell Ophelia this, as if it would make Ophelia warm to the OW.

Exactly. Who does this?!?

What is it with men?? A friend is going through a very similar nightmare and to her utter disbelief her STBXH has been treating her in the same way, like an aunt who should be happy for him.

Agree with Balloon-
had that in mind since the start - especially that they know each other from their teens and have been always living close to each other- Since he is with WF he transposed Ophelia into the sister department.
When Ophilia will start dressing as the lovely young woman she is- he might change a bit his mind

And then the truth might hit him-
Ophelia: This narration to the painful events does not diminish his responsibility but is probably closer to the truth and might, hopefully, speed up your healing by bringing you closer to acceptance.
Anyway, I hope you will find time to browse through shopping sites and getting ready for tomorrow.
I will pop over the site again later on to check on you!
Bye for now!

whereismagic
What is it with men??
similarly What is it with WOMEN??
Too many desperate Blow Jobbers women are walking in offices preying on nice married men?

well if "nice" men are after blow jobbers and pursue them to stationery cupboards then they are not nice anymore!!!

I've been thinking about the bizarre proposal of meeting. Something doesn't quite fit. And the only things I can think of are;
WF is totally oblivious and therefore has a personality disorder
Or
She is in the dark as to how much Ophelia knows. Perhaps dh has told WF that Ophelia knows they've developed feelings for each other, and he left her accordingly.

She HAS to be oblivious to Ophelia knowing about the computer sex/photos and the stationary cupboard surely? I can't think of any other explanation apart from having a very thick brass neck.

MaMa with all due respect I don't think it's helpful to suggest that if Ophelia dresses up more her STBXH will change his mind. That comes perilously close to the misogynistic, wife-blaming script about how the man "naturally" had his head turned by the glamorous single woman because the wife was somehow "letting herself go."

that was not my intention something
I just say that as at now he might be seeing her as a sister.
Ophelia will vamp up herself not to try to get him but just to rebuild her self-confidence, and as the first step toward rebuilding her life without him. I just said that maybe as a consequence (not an aim) he might suddenly realize that she is not the sister he had in his mind and whom he could have counted on to bless him in his new love story. If anything I think that Ophelie is lucky to see him for who he is when she is still young and can rebuild her life. It looks as if he is weak and quite shallow now that he is smitten with WF and as if no intelligent discourse will make him realize how devastating on his original family his new behavior is; maybe some concrete transformation of Ophelia might force him to rethink the sister role he is trying to impose upon her. No and No. It is not because Ophelia did not dress up that he is leaving her. He s leaving her because he is weak and shallow and infatuated with WF that is willing to give blow job at work and to market herself very strongly after her divorce. Noting to do with Ophelia at all. The good nature of Ophelia made it easy for him to be absorbed in his infatuation. That is all

I agree with somethingmorepositive in principle but the reality is that it's hugely bloody satisfying to swan round knowing you look shit hot and watching their eyes on stalks. I lost 3 stone in a matter of months and discovered skinny jeans too.....

I think it's that feeling of coming out of the shadows and rediscovering yourself when you've been made to feel a bit worthless.

I agree with you Sass and I feel she's a bit in the dark, hence my thoughts yesterday about sending a letter with some truth-telling, including the happy family holiday, the knowledge of the photos, the sexual favours at work at the term "wank fodder".

Ophelia, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. There is a group thread on here called "Hobbit's bar" which is quite nice and useful in a practical way. It is frequented by women who have been through something similar to you, including myself.

MaMao, I don't really like your advice! Too focused on Ophelia, how she should look, how she should be--- in the eyes of this prick who has left her.

I thought the fashion advice above was cute and appropriate. I too went for a make over at a department store to get over the shock. I found the woman who did my makeover to be soothing and I felt I absorbed some of her glamour just by being with her. She was good at her job of making me feel beautiful so I would buy stuff. It was worth doing.

But I don't like this idea of advising the OP to be self-absorbed and self-involved with fashion and projections of beauty in the direction of someone who is not worth anything. She is worth a million, or a billion of him. Why are you advising her to do things that might affect him in any way whatsoever?? Please don't!

sassandfaff I agree, WF can't possibly know the extent of Ophelia's knowledge on the subject of their affair, either that or that's one heck of a brass neck!!!

I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be best pleased to find out what her super new, cool boyf has been saying about her either.

Sakura
Are you sure that these are my advices?
Are you sure you read me correctly?
But I don't like this idea of advising the OP to be self-absorbed and self-involved with fashion and projections of beauty in the direction of someone who is not worth anything. She is worth a million, or a billion of him. Why are you advising her to do things that might affect him in any way whatsoever?? Please don't!

Hard to know what wf knows because it all comes through his doe- eyed filter. However, we know that she knew op and dh were still sleeping together and that didn't bother/stop her. We can safely assume she is not very nice.

She knew he was married and and two dcs, that's tells me all I need to know

My instinct says, like pp, that he is way more into this that her. She is getting her thrill/ kicks at having won at the moment.

I think she knows I know about the sex and blow jobs and the dirty talk that he admitted to buy not that I've seen the chat or pictures.

Agree with JFK (nice acronym JohnF) and Christina.
WF does not know that Ophelie knows a lot and have pics: maybe. That does not make her nice at all. She knew what she had to know not to make him chase her to the stationery cupboard and not to sexually tease him when he was on holidays with Ophelia (and maybe even discussing having another child together- my God how deluded, weak and heartless they are!!)
However if it was me with such pics and docs Oh my God I would have waited until the divorce is pronounced and then for the fun of it - to settle some scores - I would have shown them to some of their colleagues, before eventually sending her some copies 'anonymously'. Of course I would not do that if the solicitor can use them to get more monies out of him. Ophelie I hope you are dosing now and recuperating from the hard 3 weeks you went through.

Ophelie you are not sleeping dear?
Are you with the twins?
Do you think my posts come across as if I am advising you to become a shallow bitch obsessed by looks and superficial behavior like WF (as some suggested above?)
So he played the honest guy who disclosed everything to his wife? OMG!

No not sleeping just having a busy afternoon trying to make sure the twins are ok etc

I don't think your posts are like that ma I think everyone's posts are wonderful full of advice and different perspectives

Oh my God I would have waited until the divorce is pronounced and then for the fun of it - to settle some scores - I would have shown them to some of their colleagues, before eventually sending her some copies 'anonymously'. Of course I would not do that if the solicitor can use them to get more monies out of him.

For goodness sake, when will the madness stop? 04 this would be illegal. You are advising Phee to do something that could get her in serious trouble with the police.

Thanks love!
Is someone with you?